


It's Always Been You

by kayla2011



Category: The Princess Diaries - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-03-12 04:30:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 138,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3343715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayla2011/pseuds/kayla2011
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The love Clarisse and Joseph have for each other are put to the ultimate test when they are kidnapped and tortured.  This story primarily deals with their journey through the darkness and pain to find each other again.<br/>If you’re looking for fluff, you’re going to find precious little of it as angst is the primary theme, sprinkled with moments of tenderness, hope and love.  Their character is tested and their struggles very real in the world in which they exist.<br/>A story that captures the courage, sacrifice and love of two people (and the people who love them) as they learn about the depth of the love when they admit to each other, “It’s always been you” on their search for happily ever after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beach House

**Author's Note:**

> This story, It’s Always Been You, has been carefully planned, crafted and written over the course of more than a year. It has been done with love and great attention to detail. As such, its authors would be remiss not to provide you with adequate warnings regarding what you are about to read. Though rated “T”, the subject content deals with some very delicate and difficult adult scenarios. The authors are neither psychologists nor medical doctors, but have tried very hard to provide a realistic picture as possible. Having said that, it is not our intent to minimize the suffering and trauma real life victims of violent crimes and acts endure or to propose to fully understand the nightmares such acts cause. We have tried to determine, through careful thought and consideration, how our characters might react given their unique situation.  
> As you read, keep in mind, that this is a work of fiction – to be construed as nothing more, nothing less.

**_Chapter One: The Beach House_ **

**_Friday Morning – Early October_ **

 

A Queen was never late, everyone else was simply early.

 

Joseph allowed himself a small smile as he remembered Clarisse uttering those words, her delicate lips turned up in the smallest of smiles, as she reminded Charlotte or him on more than one occasion of this very important rule.

 

Though it was one of her favorite sayings, it wasn’t like Clarisse to be late.

 

Today, though, his Queen was late…very late. It wasn’t her lateness that bothered him rather the reason WHY she was late. He knew he would find his beautiful queen in her suite, completely withdrawn from the world. Today marked the three year anniversary of the death of her beloved son, Philippe.

 

He had given her all the time and privacy he could manage.  He needed to check on her—needed to make sure she was alright—needed to be with her. 

 

**

 

The gaping hole in her heart, though not as large as it used to be, held her motionless in front of the window.  Staring at everything and nothing at the same time. The call of duty lingered on the edge of her mind, calling to her through the shadows.  But today… Today she couldn’t answer as her own needs and the pain one can only feel when you lose a child wrenched the very core of her being, suffocating her from the inside out. Perhaps if she didn’t move, it would hurt less.

 

 

A quiet knock on her door echoed through the stillness in her mind, jarring her from thoughts of her son and the man—the King—he would have become. Everyone in the palace knew what today was. Everyone would leave her alone, even though she never asked.  Everyone…but Joseph.  Her dear, dear Joseph. He was the only one who would brave the wrath of the Queen to tend to the needs of the woman hidden so carefully beneath the controlled exterior.  “Come in.” The words spoken with only the slightest movement of her mouth, the rest of her body remained immobile, lost in the past.

 

Joseph stepped quietly inside, pushing the door closed and made his way to her. “Clarisse?” He positioned his body close enough to allow her to lean back for support should she so desire, but not too close.  He understood her emotional state was fragile during this time.  She held everything together for everyone else three hundred sixty days a year. The remaining five she indulged herself in the very human emotion of grief as she mourned the loss of her family members gone before her: King Rupert, may he rest in peace, Philippe, her mother and father and a younger brother whose life was claimed by illness when he was only five.

 

Her hand reached out, seeking his and he moved close to accept the precious gift.  His other hand ran along her shoulder causing her to turn in his embrace as the tears silently escaped from the sapphire depths of her pain.

 

His heart shared in her grief, so much loss for one woman to endure. Her body shook as he pulled her tighter within his comforting embrace. An idea had come to him last night as he lay in the darkness, trying to sleep—knowing today was going to be difficult for her and wanting to somehow ease the difficulty.  “Let me take you away to the beach house for a couple of days, just the two of us, no other guards. What do you say?”    
   
Her watery eyes found his as her hand cupped his cheek warming him deep within his soul. “You always know exactly what I need. You’ve always known.”

 

His free hand slid to return the gesture, wiping the errant tears from her damp cheeks. “I want to be the one to ease your pain, to help you through these dark days.”

 

Clarisse rested her forehead against his, grateful for the human touch.  For too long, she’d isolated herself from others – wanting to be strong, needing to be in control.  Her soul had paid a price.  But Joseph had found a way in, burrowing deep within the chambers of her heart.  His words, gestures and the way he intuitively knew how to handle her was always exactly what she needed. “You’ve been the only one, Joseph.  It’s always been you.”

 

Joseph kissed her on the forehead. “I’ll send Olivia up to help you pack while I get with Charlotte to make all the necessary arrangements.”

 

His words were cut off by the gentle press of soft lips against his. He stopped talking, stopped moving to focus solely on their connection.  Little by little, she was opening herself up to a more intimate relationship with him. He was enjoying every moment of the journey and looked forward to the day when he could make love to her as she deserved…unlocking the passionate woman behind layer after layer of control. He knew without a doubt it would be the most beautiful sight his aging eyes had ever seen.

 

For now, though, the soft pressure of her lips against his reminded him of rose petals in spring. They had plenty of time to explore such things…all the time in the world.

 

^^C&J^^ 

 

Arriving at the beach house a little before noon, Clarisse stepped out of the car, allowing the last bit of warmth from the fall sun to soak into her pores as her lungs expanded, inhaling the salty air. 

 

"I always loved bringing the boys here." She turned to smile at Joseph, her heart already feeling a little lighter with the change of scenery. 

 

"I remember. If I recall correctly, they loved it as much as you, my dear." He carried their bags into the house.

 

Standing at the edge of the water, she stared out into the deep blue abyss while Joseph’s gaze burned her skin even warmer. She could feel the intensity of his stare even from the porch. The breeze ruffled her hair as the water lapped gently at her bare feet. This was as close to heaven as she came here on earth, her favorite place in the world. 

 

Actually, her favorite place was here with Joseph. No longer wanting to stand alone, she turned and found him leaning against the banister smiling. "Are you coming down?" 

 

He returned her smile and nodded before joining her on the beach. They stood in companionable silence as Clarisse's back rested firmly against Joseph's chest, his arms circling her body to hold her hands. Tilting her head to look at him, she smiled. "Thank you for bringing me here." 

 

Her eyes closed as he placed a kiss on her forehead. "Anything for you dear. Would you fancy a walk?" 

 

"I'd love one." She pressed her lips to his cheek while lacing her fingers with his.

 

The breeze from the ocean cooled her skin and intensified the smell of leather mixed with aftershave as Joseph draped his jacket around her shoulders.  Mostly they were silent, occasionally reminiscing about the good times they’d shared here with Philippe and Pierre when they were boys. As was tradition, she wanted to add to the vase of shells she collected each time she was able to get away for a visit here. Her eyes darted from the sand, to the ocean, to Joseph’s smiling face. When she happened to see a beautiful shell, she would stop to pick it up.

“Are you getting hungry?” Joseph asked as they turned to walk back toward the house.

“Mmm, perhaps a little, the fresh air always increases my appetite. And,” She looked toward the heavens. “The sky is darkening. I think Mother Nature has decided our walk should end as well.”

He winked as he slipped his arm around to pull her close. “Well, you’re in luck since I packed some meat, cheese and crackers to tide us over until we decide where you’d like to go for dinner.”

Clarisse stopped and turned toward him, circling her arms around his waist, ignoring the raindrops, holding him tightly. “I was thinking we might order in? I’m not much for company, besides you, and…” Her dark blue eyes locked onto his, drowning in the depths of emotion and feelings she could see there. Neither of them had verbalized those secrets…yet, but she hoped someday soon they would both find the courage to do so. “I was looking forward to an evening alone with you in front of the fire.”

Her lips found his in a gentle kiss…a kiss that held the promise of more. Whether tonight, a month from now or years from now, she didn’t know.  His hands threaded through her hair, down to her lower back, holding her body close to his.  The hardness of his body a stark contrast to her soft curves, yet a perfect complement initiating tingles of sensation throughout her body. Those sensations were getting harder and harder to ignore and reaffirmed a more intimate relationship with Joseph would definitely be something she wanted to explore.

Breaking away from the kiss, he whispered. “Eating in it is.”

Clarisse was no longer cold.  The possessive way Joseph held her body against his put her entire body on notice…this self-imposed isolation was nearing an end. Very soon she would find a way to tell him how she felt – that she’d like a long term relationship with him – and, how much pleasure she felt each time he touched her…even if, up to this point, most of it had been in the course of his job. Moments like the ones they’d just shared were increasing in frequency and tonight she could see them moving forward even a little further.

**

Seeing the rain droplets on her face, he took her hand as they hastened back to the beach house. Neither spoke. He suspected, even hoped, they were both lost in their own thoughts and hopes of what the evening might bring – might mean to their relationship. As they neared the steps, Joseph’s senses went on high alert. Though the door was shut, it was obvious something had been used to pry it open. Joseph motioned for her to stand back.  Reaching into the pocket of his coat, still draped over Clarisse’s shoulders, he pulled out his gun.  He also grabbed a loose board propped against the bench on the porch – a bench obviously in need of repair.

Edging quietly into the house, he willed his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Just as he thought he saw a moving shadow, the sound of shells hitting the porch diverted his attention for a split second – but that was all it took. His eyes took in the nightmarish sight of Clarisse being held at gun point, the gleaming instrument of death pressed against her forehead – the fear registering in the blue depths. Before he could say or do anything, he heard the click of a gun being cocked right behind him. “Drop your weapons or the Queen gets a bullet.”

In a moment of perfect clarity, he realized without a doubt… He had failed.

There wasn’t much time to contemplate his failure as he saw the white cloth covering the beautiful lips he’d kissed only fifteen minutes before. Moments later, he smelled the sickly sweet fragrance of chloroform and then there was darkness.

^^C/J^^


	2. Searching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hunt for Clarisse and Joseph begins...
> 
> Please note the timeline for this story is set in Year 4 between PD1 and PD2. The event occurs the October before Amelia will take the throne the following June.

**_Chapter Two: Searching_ **

 

**_Saturday Evening_ **

“Shades, I’ve tried ten times on both of their cell phones. There’s no answer.” The stress level in Charlotte’s voice reached a pinnacle. “Maybe once or twice, they might ignore me wanting to be alone, but her Majesty would NEVER disregard ten calls from me. She knows I wouldn’t call that many times if it weren’t urgent.” 

She moved over to kneel next to him at his desk. “Please, Scott.  I know something is wrong.” 

Joseph’s second in command looked down at the beautiful blonde whose eyes were filled with unshed tears. Her use of his name rather than the nickname told him that, Joseph’s wrath be damned, they had to go check on them.  If he caught them in a compromising position, he’d deal with that later. “Okay Charlotte, I’ll get Felix to assume watch and you and I will drive out to their location.” 

She rose and placed a quick kiss on his cheek, “Thank you.” She hesitated. “Can we…” 

He nodded. “I’ll have the royal guard follow us and wait a mile or so away so if this turns out to be a false alarm…” 

“I’ll apologize to them – and you – personally, and find a way to make it up to all of you.” 

 “Alright, meet me in the car in ten.” 

 ** 

“There!  That’s the house.” Charlotte’s senses had been tingling as they got closer to the house. Her gut was rarely wrong, if ever. It was part of the reason the Queen trusted her implicitly.  She hoped this time she was wrong as the churning in her stomach indicated something had gone horribly wrong.

Shades killed the lights on the car during their final approach. “No sense in alerting anyone to our presence. You wait here while I go check it out.” 

“Like hell I will.  I’m coming with you.” 

“Charlotte…” 

You’re entrusted with protecting the Princess and will someday be protecting the Queen. Are you really going to try to convince me you can’t protect little ol’ me?” 

He rubbed his face with his hands – this woman was impossible.  He loved her, but she was impossible. “Fine. Stay behind me. Stay quiet. Do exactly what I say.” 

“Yes sir!” She smiled. 

“This isn’t a joke, Charlotte. If something has gone wrong and the bad guys are still there, I need to be sure you’ll follow my orders so I can protect you. Understood?” 

“Yes, I’m sorry. I promise.” 

They crept quietly through the sand and up onto the porch using only the light from the moon and a small penlight. Shades noticed the door was ajar and shells were scattered all over the porch.  _Not a good sign._  Two white handkerchiefs and Joseph’s gun lay on the floor.  His adrenalin kicked into full gear. He quickly moved through each of the rooms to clear them.

Nothing.

They were gone.

He pressed the piece in his ear to connect him to the head of the royal guard. “This is Shades. The Eagle and Wolf are missing. Signs of a struggle and…” He sniffed one of the white handkerchiefs. “Chloroform was used. Mobilize a team, set up a search grid and let’s find them. We don’t know how long they have been missing.” 

“Shades!!”  Charlotte called to him from the next room. 

“Get on it, I’ll be back in a minute.” He hastened to the room Charlotte had called him from. “What is it?” 

“I’ve checked her clothes – only one outfit is missing. Oh my God, that means they were taken sometime Friday after they arrived.” 

Her words spurred him into action. The button activated again, he shouted. “I want mobile support and someone better find and wake the person who can track Joseph’s chip.” 

Charlotte wiped the tears from her eyes. “Chip? What chip?” 

“Joseph was part of an elite military organization prior to coming to work at the palace. In order to track their team members, something like a GPS tracking chip was inserted into his body.  He mentioned it to me one time over beers when we were talking about his life before the palace. I’m hoping if it worked then, it will still work now and we can at least narrow the search area down.” 

Charlotte pulled him into a hug.  “You’re brilliant!  Get me to a computer and give me some place to start. I’ll go from there.”

**

**_Sunday afternoon_ **

Clarisse felt another body move onto the bed next to her. She dreaded to open her eyes to see who had joined her and feared what they might want. Despite the aches and pains filling every pore of her body, both inside and out, the trauma of the night had become too much and she had passed out, the blissful darkness of unconsciousness rescuing her. There was no concept of time. She only prayed Monday would be here soon and her trusted team could find them quickly.

Her will to fight and keep the evil out of her head was dwindling rapidly. After hearing the beatings go on for who knows how long, she wasn’t even certain Joseph was still alive. Despair clutched at her heart and filled her with a sadness that left her cold and despondent. Though she loved the thousands of people in her country, it was one person’s love for her that had kept her going all these years.  If he was gone, she wasn’t sure she could continue. 

The need to make sure he was alive outweighed the dread of who had joined her on the bed. Slowly opening her eyes she saw Lester laying there, watching her.  She propped herself up enough to look over him and saw a badly beaten Joseph in the chair next to the bed.  His shoulders moved up and down in a rhythmic manner signifying, to her at least, he was alive. Laying back she turned to the man who had been responsible for this living hell. “Thank you for putting him in the chair last night rather than leaving him standing.”  She hated each word as they came out, but she was grateful and knew he could’ve left him there. Had he still been chained and standing when he passed out, it probably would’ve pulled his shoulder joints or God knows what else out as the weight of his entire body would’ve only been supported by the cuffs. 

His fingers traced her cheek and jaw. “I’m not entirely heartless, besides, he’s no use to me if he can’t move his arms. I want you to know I punished Rich after I brought you to bed. He’s left Joseph in such a mess, he’ll be no use to me today.” 

Unsure whether to feel happy, relieved or worried she simply nodded. “So what do you have planned for me today?” 

His hand slid lower and cupped her breast. “Oh I intend to have you, brand you as my own. Rich had his turn, Jason has had his fun. Now it’s my turn.” He leaned in and kissed her fully on the lips. She didn’t return the kiss but somehow remained in position in an effort not to anger him. Her body couldn’t take the penalty for any more acts of defiance. The last one had cost her far more than she cared to count.

“You intrigue me, unlike any of my other playmates.” 

_Dear God, how many had there been?_

“How so?” The longer she talked, the longer she delayed the inevitable. 

He reached up and secured her other wrist to the bedpost then turned his attention back to her face. “Each time I thought I had broken you, there would be a moment—either a subtle one, a flash of defiance in your eyes—or a bold one, the move with Jason last night.” 

“A move which I paid dearly for as I recall.” 

His eyes became more animated, “But that’s what I mean. You had to know there would be retribution and yet you still did it.” His hand moved lower to caress as Clarisse closed her eyes to escape, she knew what was going to happen next. “You are my biggest challenge.” 

Her escape from the horror of Lester’s body over hers was interrupted as shouts from the other room broke into her retreat. Jason came to the door, “Father, they’re here!  They found us.” 

A loud thud followed by the sound of footfall sent him running. Moments later, another thud. Clarisse started to feel relief. They were being rescued!  For the first time in days she had hope. 

The now familiar grip around her neck stifled any hope as her airway was cut off. Wide eyed, she clawed at Les but to no avail.  She managed to turn her head slightly to see Joseph slowly rousing to consciousness.  _They’re going to be too late._

The blackness surrounded and swallowed her whole. 

** 

Joseph found his voice and screamed, “Shades, in here!  The Queen!!” 

Shades ran into the room and saw Joseph cuffed to a chair looking like hell had better days and then followed his eyes to the bed. A man’s hand was around his Queen’s throat; his body on top of hers. He wouldn’t be able to get a clean shot and not risk hitting the precious woman trapped under his target. 

Sprinting forward, he dropped the gun and pulled the knife from its sheath on his waist. He aimed for the lung/heart area, but at the last moment the man moved, his hands still gripping the Queen's throat tightly. The movement made him miss his target, hitting the man in his side near his stomach. It was enough, though, to break his hold on Clarisse. Shades pulled the knife out and went for another thrust when the assailant rolled off the bed and to the floor, falling right at Joseph's feet.

As he made his way around the bed, he saw Joseph using what small amount of chain he had for his ankles to kick the crap out of the man. He scrambled to his feet and started to run. Joseph yelled. “Shoot that bastard!” 

With lightning reflexes, Shades reached down and pulled out his ankle gun, aimed and fired. The man dropped hard and with finality to the cold floor.  Since this gun didn’t have a silencer, the other guards started to run in. “Stop! Wait outside. Send Charlotte in with some blankets.” 

Realizing Shades was trying to protect them, especially his Queen, Joseph nodded in thanks. “Think you can get me out of these? Keys are on the bottom shelf of the table over there.” 

Scott moved quickly and released him just before Charlotte arrived. Taking in the scene in front of her, she dropped the blankets, “Oh my God…” 

“Char, the blankets please.  Give me one for Joseph. You put this one over the Queen.” 

She nodded and did as he asked. Averting her eyes the moment she realized Joseph was naked, she kept her gaze on Scott and handed him the blanket.  Though, in all truthfulness, his body was so bruised and battered, she wasn’t sure how he was even still alive. Her heart broke as she witnessed the bruises and lash marks on the body of her friend. She covered her with a blanket and sat carefully next to her on the bed, holding her hand. “Please be alright,” she whispered. 

“Can you walk?” Shades helped Joseph to a standing position. 

“Slowly, but I can. You take care of her. She needs medical assistance and oxygen. That bastard loved choking her.” 

Shades pressed the piece in his ear to get the connection. “I need the medevac helicopter at my coordinates.  NOW!” 

He moved over to where Charlotte was sitting. “I’m going to roll her towards me, you tuck the blanket in behind her and then I’ll carry her out.” 

The young woman nodded, moved to the other side of the bed and waited for Scott to move her. She gasped at the welts and gashes all over her back. “Merde, Scott. They beat her badly too.” 

“It’s good those bastards are dead or I’d kill them again, slowly and painfully.” 

Charlotte carefully tucked the blanket around the older woman’s body, trying hard not to hurt her any more than she was already. “Okay, let’s get her out of here.” 

Shades carefully lifted his precious package and carried her toward the exit lifting a silent prayer to God they’d gotten there in time. 

^^C&J^^

**_Sunday evening_ **

Lionel pounded on the door, his heart matching the loud thudding.  Shades had entrusted him with this special task and he would not fail. Finally, the door opened.

“Can I help you, young man?”

“Sir, my name is Lionel and I’m with the Royal Guard. I’ve been sent to escort you to the palace.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m not at liberty to say at the moment, sir, but it’s a medical emergency. Please grab whatever items you need and let’s go.”

“I should call my nurse…”

“Sir! Please. My orders are to bring you and only you. This is a matter of the highest confidentiality and urgency. I would rather not bring you by force, but if I must.”

“Son, my family is out at a movie. I need to leave them a note.”

Desperation filled the young security guard, every second counted.  He stepped into the man’s personal space and leaned in, his voice barely above a whisper. “The Queen of Genovia requires your assistance. There isn’t a moment to lose. Please, sir. I’ll send someone to fill your family in later.”

Dr. Weston saw the fear in the young man’s face. If he was here, demanding this type of response – the Queen’s life must be in danger. “Let me grab my bag.”

Lionel breathed a sigh of relief. With any luck, they’d beat the helicopter. If not, Shades was going to kill him too.

_ Palace Grounds – Rear Entrance _

“Here they come!” Lionel shouted over the noisy rotors.

“She was medivac’d in? How bad is she?”

Lionel stopped staring at the incoming chopper long enough to turn toward the doc, his gaze grim and sad. “I don’t know. All they told me was they were hurt very badly.”

They?”

"Her Majesty and Joseph.”

“Dear God, what happened?”

Lionel’s face drained of any remaining color, “Kidnapped and tortured.”

Before Dr. Weston could say anything further, the helicopter landed. Men dressed in black poured out of the back and carefully lifted a stretcher onto a gurney. The moment the blades stopped rotating, he ran forward to assess and perform triage.  What he saw made the late afternoon snack he’d eaten threaten to make a reverse trip.  Years of medical training kicked in and he began shouting orders.  “Get them inside and onto beds, separate rooms.”

He turned to Lionel.  “You go to the storage room in the infirmary and retrieve several packets of O negative blood.  I’ll grab some additional supplies and then perform my initial triage.”

Charlotte emerged from the helicopter and immediately grabbed her phone, hitting number three on the speed dial. After a few rings, the voice she’d hoped for picked up. “Prime Minister, we need you at the palace immediately. Please tell no one and come through the rear entrance.  Thank you.”

She cut the connection and moved into the corridor outside the infirmary to wait, her mind beginning to sort through all the contingencies she would need to plan for. It felt like only minutes later, Sebastian was escorted by Lionel to where she and Shades were waiting.

“Charlotte, what’s going on?” Sebastian’s rotund face was clouded with confusion and concern.

She touched his elbow and moved him away from the general commotion in that end of the hall. “What I’m about to tell you is highly confidential. I’m sharing this with you because I know Her Majesty trusts you implicitly and she needs your help.”

He nodded solemnly. “I would do anything for her. What has happened?”

Charlotte inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, praying for the emotional control she’d seen in her queen time and time again. “She and Joseph were kidnapped on Friday and over the past couple days were tortured by three men.”

Disbelief colored his features…that type of thing didn’t happen in Genovia.  “Tortured how?  Why?”

Tears threatened, “I’m not entirely sure. Dr. Weston is in there now doing an initial assessment. Joseph was beaten badly and Her Majesty…” She shook her head unable to say out loud her greatest fear.  She had seen the restraints and their mutual state of undress. “The full extent of her injuries is still unknown. But I do know neither of them will be suitable for a public appearance for at least a few weeks.  Which is why I need your help.”

"What do you need me to do?”

“I need you to make a statement to the press.  Something to the effect they both contracted a highly contagious virus…I’ll get Dr. Weston to provide you with an appropriate name, and they will be unavailable for contact with the public until he can give them a clean bill of health.”

“I’ll arrange for it first thing in the morning.”

“And Parliament.  You’ll need to handle them for a while.”

Sebastian nodded again.  “How bad is she?  Really.”

Thoughts of bruises, lash marks, and an unconscious queen flooded Charlotte’s mind.   She dare not even think what might be implied by the other sights she’d witnessed. Scott’s face had told her it was far worse than it even appeared. It was too horrifying to even consider. Her eyes found his telling him more than she could ever say aloud. “Very bad, Sebastian. Very bad.”

**


	3. Assessment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The loyal staff at the palace begin the hard work of restoring their Queen and Joseph.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter details many of the horrors the Queen and Joseph endured, though we didn't share those days with you, the result of the torture they endured is discovered after their rescue. Please don't lose heart or stop reading here as the next chapter starts the beautiful road to recovery and you don't want to miss that, I promise!

**_Chapter Three: The Assessment_ **

 

**_Sunday Night_ **

Dr. Weston exhaled quickly and got to work. The images he saw in the light were far worse than he’d initially thought at the helicopter. After a quick assessment, he determined Joseph’s condition was far more serious than Clarisse’s at the moment. Starting an IV containing medicine to help ease the pain and to help with dehydration, Dr. Weston charted his injuries.  He cleaned the wounds on his face and upper body before placing a nasal cannula in his nose to aid in his breathing.

Once satisfied he’d done the best he could for Joseph without further testing, he turned his attention to Clarisse.  Closing his eyes, his chest constricted. _Who could ever harm her in such a violent way? Why did this happen? She is a giving Queen, going out of her way to help her people…Bastards that’s what they were._

Shaking his head, Dr. Weston started an IV for Clarisse containing the same combination he’d dispensed for Joseph earlier. Shades had given him some preliminary information: Joseph passed out the moment he knew the Queen was safe on the helicopter and receiving medical attention; and, Her Majesty had been choked repeatedly. Though the bruises on her neck would have provided him the same information, he appreciated the young man’s attention to detail.

He opted to leave on the full face mask supplying his queen with oxygen. A quick visual survey of her body led him to decide he would need help in treating both patients. Content both were stable for the time being, Dr. Weston stepped into the corridor, drawing the door closed behind him. He was confronted with three sets of worried eyes.

Charlotte was first to notice the doctor emerged and stopped pacing, causing the others to do the same.  “How are they?”

 “Stable. For now. Scott, I need you to send someone over to my office to retrieve my portable ultrasound machine. I would like to check them both for internal bleeding, especially Joseph, he sustained a great deal of trauma to his torso.  
  
“I’ll see to it straightaway, sir. Will you need anything else?”

 “Just some supplies and ointments but I’ll call my nurse and have her gather everything I might need and I’ll let her know to expect someone.”

“Dr. Weston you can’t tell her who…”

“I understand what is at stake here and I assure you I will continue to serve Her Majesty as I always have. Her secrets are safe with me.”

“Do we know what type of torture they endured?” Sebastian asked  
 

“Joseph appears to have been beaten multiple times and possibly whipped.  The bruising is so bad, however, it’s truly hard to tell. Her Majesty, as you already know was repeatedly choked and there is evidence she was whipped and suffered numerous lacerations with what I guess to be a very sharp knife.  I’ll know the full extent once I’ve completed my evaluation.”

He looked directly at Charlotte “I’m going to need some assistance and I think the presence of a woman might be comforting should Clarisse wake during my exam. Since I don’t have a nurse and there are two patients, having an extra set of hands would be most helpful.”  
   
“I’m at your complete disposal doctor, anything you need just let me know and I’ll see to it.” The line of Charlotte’s mouth and the fierce look on her face demonstrated her level of determination.   

 “I hate to be the one to ask,” Sebastian said “but was Her Majesty sexually assaulted?”

Before Dr. Weston could say anything, Shades pain-filled voice got their attention. “She was.”

Charlotte turned to him, her hand resting on his upper arm. “Scott?”

His eyes took on a faraway look, as though he were back in that hell hole they’d found them in. “When I entered the room, that bastard was on top of her. I’d planned on shooting him, but I was afraid she’d be hit. So I grabbed my knife with every intention of planting it in his heart.  He moved enough so I missed any vital organs. He tried to escape so I shot the bastard in the back.”

Tears swelled in Charlotte’s eyes as his raw words confirmed her worst fears.  Drawing her into his arms, Shades offered a shoulder to cry on as he fought to keep his own emotions intact, each drawing strength from the other.  
   
“Have I mentioned that I’m thankful you found and killed those bastards?” Sebastian added.

 “I wish I could kill them again…only slower this time.” Shades admitted as he continued to console Charlotte.

Her emotions back in check, Charlotte turned her attention back to Dr. Weston. “I’m sorry about that…I’m ready when you are doctor.”

**_Monday Morning approx. 1 am_ **

 

“Charlotte, what you’re about to see isn’t pretty. Are you sure you want to do this?” Dr. Weston felt compelled to give her one last opportunity to back out.  Seeing bodies badly bruised and allowing yourself to consider the evil people do to each other would be with her forever. He touched her arm gently, “She won’t think any less of you if you decide not to be this close to the action. It could forever change your relationship. Do you understand?” He hoped she understood what he was trying to say.

Nodding her head slowly, she recalled the brief sight of Clarisse’s bloody back as well as the damage to the front of her body. Taking in mind what Shades had also seen, the horror reached deep into her heart and she knew a small part would always remain with her. You couldn’t un-see such things. But deep within that same heart was the strength Clarisse had so carefully crafted within her over the years they’d been together. She didn’t doubt for one second the older woman would be there for her in a time of need.

Charlotte took a deep breath for courage. “I would do anything for Her Majesty, you need not have to ask.” She looked at the men standing in the room with them. “We all would.” 

“Very well.”

As the door opened, Charlotte’s heart constricted at the sight before her. She knew it would be bad but she truly was not prepared for this. Her sovereign…her friend was lying on her side supported by a large pillow, an oxygen mask concealing her identity, not that she was readily recognizable anyway. Those monsters had made sure the vivacious, strong woman appeared to only be a shell of her former self.  _What had they done to her?_

Sensing her hesitation, Dr. Weston continued. “I know it looks bad, but the swelling and bruises on her face will fade in time. Her back will take much longer… He didn’t even mention the deep emotional scars he knew she’d have to deal with. “Can you slowly remove the pillow so we can lay her on her stomach?” 

Swallowing the ever present lump in her throat, Charlotte did as she was asked.

“Due to the unusual circumstances surrounding this…situation, would you be willing to stay with Clarisse through the night? These lacerations are the most worrisome of her physical wounds, although I will need to do a complete examination.  Joseph is also going to require my attention.”

“Of course, I’ll stay.  If you show me how, I can also change the dressing for you when needed.”

“That would be very helpful, Charlotte. Thank you.”

Charlotte watched as Dr. Weston carefully cleaned the wounds.  The desire to give in to the tears threatening nearly overwhelmed her, but she stayed strong - would stay strong for the woman who needed her so desperately right now. "There, all done.  If you will gently rub this ointment over the wounds, making sure the lacerated area is sufficiently covered and then carefully lay the sterile pad over her back to protect them."

“I don't want to hurt her. She has to be in so much pain already."  Charlotte tried not to think about how she would've reacted had a whip been brought across her back as many times as it had Clarisse's nor what other circumstances were surrounding such a beating.

“Her Majesty is sedated with the pain medicine and is receiving a healthy dose of antibiotics to help fight infection. She shouldn't feel the dressings being administered." He looked at her with sincere empathy. "Are you certain you can handle this task?”

“Yes.” Her answer was simple, but all she could manage as fought to keep her emotions in check while in front of the doctor.

Taking ointment from the jar, Charlotte applied a liberal amount across Clarisse's wounds being extra gentle as you would with a small child. She focused hard on the task, barely blinking for fear the precious woman would vanish from her sight again. Once the wounds were completely covered, she placed a large dressing pad across the expanse of her back taping it along the edges. 

At that moment, Dr. Weston walked back into the room. Together, they eased Clarisse onto her back so he could continue his exam. “Charlotte, will you please make the proper notes in the file?”

Her hand trembled slightly as she picked up the pen and prepared to make the notes. In her distress, a rational thought entered, “These records will be sealed, correct?”

“No one but us will ever know, I promise.”

Charlotte nodded and began to transcribe his comments. She also made mental notes to consistently check other areas such as Clarisse’s wrists and ankles to insure infection did not occur.

“Multiple cuts, from what appears to be a very sharp knife, the most prominent is the six inch laceration from the tip of the breastbone to mid abdomen. Additional smaller cuts on the right breast, shoulder and abdomen.”

“Dear God…” Charlotte blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay, unable to imagine someone using a knife on her friend.

“Are you alright to continue?”

Another slow breath, “Yes.”

“We need to prepare her for the internal exam.”

The lump in her throat expanded until she could barely breathe. Shades account of what he saw upon entering the room where they were being held removed any doubt her friend had been raped. She prayed for strength to help Clarisse not only today, but in the days to come. She put her own fears aside and helped him bend her legs and drape the sheet over her lower body.

Once Dr. Weston started his exam, a perplexed look crossed his face.  Putting the chart down, Charlotte moved a little closer to the bed. “What is it?” Worry about what those bastards had done settled deeper into her bones.

“There are distinct markings on her inner thighs. Fatigue is preventing me from identifying them at the present moment.”

“May I see?” Charlotte’s voice trembled 

Moving the sheet to reveal Clarisse’s thigh, Charlotte gasped in horror.  Small square red marks covered her inner thighs, the outline a deep red, almost purple. Though no idea what could’ve caused such bruising on the delicate skin, there was no doubt the pain from such repeated blows had to have been excruciating. Unable to hold back any longer, the tears streamed down her face as her hand covered her mouth. “I’m sorry. Please excuse me a moment.” 

In the on-suite bathroom Charlotte’s chest heaved up and down as she fought to catch her breath. Questions raced through her head _Why? Why would anyone do that to another person? A person who was obviously defenseless… Under no circumstances would someone take such a beating willingly – especially not there of all places. What type of sick person was capable of such repeated cruelty?_

She heard a soft knock on the door “Charlotte, are you alright?” Dr. Weston’s understanding voice reached into her chaotic thoughts. 

Checking herself in the mirror, she squared her shoulders like she'd seen Clarisse do a thousand times. “I’m fine. I just needed a minute to collect myself. I apologize.”

“You’ve seen a lot of trauma in the last several hours; I would expect nothing less from a compassionate person and a friend of hers.”

Charlotte stepped from behind the door and nodded, brushing away the remaining tears. "She is a friend. One of my closest and dearest friends—one of the kindest and giving people I know. It's hard to imagine someone hating her so much that they could inflict that kind of…personal damage."

Dr. Weston touched her arm gently, bringing her back to the present trauma. “It’s almost time for her next round of medicine, so let’s finish this up quickly shall we? I would like to be through before she wakes.”

“Agreed.”

**

Clarisse’s mind felt heavy with a dark, ominous fog. Her eyes refused to open.  Had they drugged her again?  Her face felt swollen and restricted. Not the same inability to breathe as when they choked her, but something covering her face…something she would not be able to tolerate for much longer. Her attention was directed lower as panic started to seep in to her heart. The feel of hands on her inner thighs, exploring, examining… different than the touches she’d been enduring from the vile men holding them captive, yet still very much unwanted.

Despite her desire to keep still and not anger them and bring on additional punishment, she couldn’t help the wince as fingers grazed the juncture between her legs. Though an unwelcomed touch, she felt it best not to fight this intruder as it did not serve her well the last time. She prayed, yet again, that help would come soon.

Hearing a familiar voice changed everything. She and Joseph being captured was bad enough but… Charlotte!!  Those bastards had somehow found Charlotte. Tears slipped from the corner of her eyes. No matter the cost, she had to protect the young woman.  Her hands went to her face, encountering some type of mask. She fought to remove it and uttered only two words as loud as her ravaged throat would allow. “Run! Charlotte.” 

A smaller hand gripped hers tighter. “It’s alright ma’am. You’re safe.”

Clarisse’s eyes fluttered open at the small grasp of hope she’d just been given. _Could she really have been rescued?_

Stepping closer to the bed, Charlotte leaned directly over Clarisse’s fragile body. “You’re safe now.”

“But?”  She tried to move away from the hands now resting on her inner thighs, sending a fresh wave of pain over her back. She arched her back, desperate to ease the pressure.

Charlotte put a comforting hand on her shoulder and knee. “That’s just Dr. Weston, he’s finishing up. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

“Are they…?”

“Yes, they’re dead. Shades…Scott made sure of that.”  She couldn’t hide the pride in her voice.

Clarisse wanted to ask about Joseph, but a small part of her knew she couldn’t handle any potential bad news just yet. Dr. Weston’s familiar face appeared above the sheet over her knees. “Your Majesty, I’m sorry.  I’m almost finished…just a few minutes more.”  He turned to Charlotte, “Could you excuse us for a few moments?”

Charlotte nodded and started to walk away, but Clarisse tightened the grip on her hand. “No, please stay. Whatever you need to ask or say, Doctor, Charlotte can hear.”

“As you wish. There appears to be tearing and evidence of trauma. To spare you from any further violation and since your captors are dead, can you tell me how many?”  He couldn’t think of any more delicate way to ask the question.

“Three.”

“Protection?”

“No.”

“I assumed not and started you on a broad spectrum of antibiotics but will add additional medicines to prevent or treat any possible STDs as well as have your blood tested.”

Clarisse’s eyes closed as the violations played through her mind on repeat. “Yes, thank you.”

“I’m going to check on Joseph and get the meds for your IV.”

_He’s alive._ She turned to see tears brimming in Charlotte’s eyes. “I’m sorry I upset you.”

The young woman shook her head brandishing a look of bewilderment. “I’m sorry you… Three times… Dear God, Your Majesty.”

Clarisse couldn’t bring herself to clarify that it was three separate men, much more than three times. She would also let her assume the three kidnappers were the offenders.  It was a detail that didn’t matter anymore now. _They’re dead. Scott took them down._ Looking up at Charlotte through heavy lids, her mouth felt suddenly parched. "Water?" 

“Of course.” Walking to the small sink, Charlotte retrieved the water, holding the glass as Clarisse took small sips through the straw.  The slight movement caused ripples of pain throughout her body.

“Are you alright, Your Majesty?”

Clarisse inhaled and exhaled slowly, trying to control the pain. “I’m afraid everything hurts at the moment.”  She closed her eyes and tried to focus.

“I’ll be right back.”

True to her word a few moments later, Charlotte returned. “Dr. Weston will be back in a few moments and he will help me move you up further on the bed and get you adjusted for more comfort.  In the meantime, I can apply some ointment to your…well your legs to ease the discomfort there.”

The horror of that night blanketed Clarisse and her entire body shivered. Her hands gripped the sheets tightly, desperately wanting to forget the time she spent with Jason that night. She couldn’t bear for Charlotte to see, much less ask her questions.  She NEVER wanted to speak of it again. Her head shook her dissent violently, “No!”  The pain would eventually go away.

Seeing her friend’s distress, Charlotte grabbed her hand. “Please, Clarisse. Let me help you. You don’t have to suffer any more than necessary.”

Dr. Weston returned at that moment, “What’s wrong?” He immediately moved over to the IV and added some pain meds and something to help her return to sleep.  “This will help, Your Majesty.  Once the pain medicine has kicked in, Charlotte and I will move you so you are resting on your side or stomach again.”

The medicine flowing uninhibited into her veins did its job and Clarisse felt the lethargy settle into her muscles once again. She would be asleep soon. Before she lost consciousness again, she needed to know. “Joseph?” She whispered.

“He’s alive and fighting hard. A lesser man might give up, but Joseph is strong and has a will to live.”

Clarisse thought about the pain he was subjected to, both physically and emotionally.  The moments of compassion, though brief, they had exchanged in the middle of their own personal hell. His whispered words of comfort, of apology, of regret… “When can I see him?”

This time Dr. Weston put a hand on her bare shoulder. “Soon, when you’re stronger. Rest now, Your Majesty.”

His words timed perfectly with the sedative kicking in. The dim blue eyes retreated to a drug-induced sleep and the pain subsided for a while. “Go ahead and administer the ointment to her legs, be sure and get her ankles. Once you’re finished, I’ll be back and, together, we’ll move her into a more comfortable position.

Charlotte moved the sheet aside, careful to respect her dignity and privacy as much as possible. As she gently soothed the ointment over the marred flesh, she remembered the fear and violent reaction to the mention of the marks. Her fingers trembled as she soothed the tormented flesh and again cursed the men responsible for putting them there. She did her best not to let her mind dwell on how the marks had arrived, only on making sure they went away.

“Finished?” Dr. Weston asked quietly.

“Yes, let’s move her and get her comfortable in case she wakes up.”

Working together, they turned her and used a large body pillow to help prop her on her side and alleviate as much pressure as possible from all the pain points. Charlotte administered some of the ointment to the knife wounds on the front of her body and then covered her again to let her sleep.

Once they were finished, Charlotte took her place beside the bed and pulled Clarisse’s hand into hers once again.  “How is Joseph, really?”

“He’s holding on, but not out of the woods yet. He lost a lot of blood. Miraculously, there was no internal bleeding but a great deal of bruising both inside and out. I’m very worried about infection setting in from the places on his wrists, especially.”

“His wrists?”

Dr. Weston sat down, exhausted from the non-stop ride he’d been on since Lionel showed up at his door late yesterday afternoon.  “If I had to guess, he pulled against his restraints – whether they were rope or metal – to try to get free.”

Charlotte rested her head on the bed, both hands holding Clarisse’s hand. “He wasn’t trying to get free.” She turned her gaze upon the wise old doctor. “He was trying to get to her.”

The doctor placed his hands gently on Charlotte’s shoulders, “You should get some rest.”

“I’m not leaving until she sends me away.”

He sighed. One thing was for sure…his Queen inspired the fiercest of loyalty in those who followed her. He would not win this argument. “As you wish. I’ll ask Shades to bring you some fresh clothes and your toothbrush.”

^^C/J^^


	4. Impossible to Understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The healing process continues, but revelations of what happened that fateful weekend make it hard for those closest to Clarisse and Joseph to fully comprehend the nightmare they endured.

**_Chapter Four: Impossible to Understand_ **

**_Tuesday Afternoon_ **

Charlotte stepped into the room and her heart constricted. Would she ever get used to the site of her queen, her friend…her family lying there so still and quiet. The Doctor decided it would be best to keep her sedated for at least thirty-six hours to allow her body time to heal and her mind time to rest.

The responsibility for changing the bandages fell solely on Charlotte’s shoulders as Joseph required much more attention from the doctor. She carefully removed the body pillow keeping Clarisse on her side. With shaky hands she gently pulled the tape loose from the shoulders stopping for a moment in an effort to calm her spirit. Quietly she cursed the men, once again, responsible for leaving her friend in this state.

Gathering her courage, she removed the bandage. Tears brimmed in her eyes as she surveyed the damage. Inhale. Exhale. She could do this! Grabbing the wet cloth, she carefully cleaned the wounds. She couldn’t prevent her mind from floating back to that terrible day just over three years ago, when she watched her friend and mentor, a tower of strength hold it together for her family, her country, even the press only to reveal the true depth of her pain once safely hidden away from the rest of the world.

\--

_The entire day Clarisse held herself together only allowing her tears to fall during the funeral and again at the gravesite but even then there were only a few…the ones that managed to slip through her mask._

_That’s what the public saw. Charlotte, however, had seen the human side of her Queen that day. In the safety of her private limo, the mask completely dissolved as Clarisse sobbed against Joseph’s chest wrapped in the safety of his embrace. She either had forgotten Charlotte was there or hadn’t cared._  

\--

As Charlotte rubbed the ointment on the lacerations, she could no longer keep the tears at bay. With each stroke the droplets softly fell, splashing against the red and ivory skin beneath. The woman that had taken care of everyone around her and relied on so few now lay broken, beaten and battered. It had been an unfair fight of that she had no doubt. She’d seen the cloths covered with chloroform and knew both of them had been unable to protect themselves from their captors, forced to do only God knows what. As thoughts of _what if’s_ swirled around in her head, the tears fell faster. She gently dabbed the moisture away from the medicine and placed a fresh dressing over the wounds. This type of horror defied explanation and understanding.

With nothing more to do at the moment, she remained seated on the bed. A memory from her past, a pleasant memory crept out from the darkness filling her mind. She remembered during a visit by the royal family to the orphanage, Charlotte had been running a fever. Her disappointment over not getting to see the queen had been very high and the caregivers had been trying to console her. After about a half an hour, the larger than life presence of her monarch filled the tiny space of her room. She’d quietly sent everyone else away and sat on her bed, gently running her fingers through her hair in an effort to calm. Charlotte remembered how much the gesture meant to her at the time, how comforting it had been. Wanting to return the favor, she carefully perched on the side of the bed and let her fingers slide carefully through the short blonde hair. As she did what she could to offer comfort to the woman who had been such an important part of her life since a very young age, she prayed for her and for Joseph that they might find peace and healing soon.

After some time passed, Charlotte decided to move back to the chair that had been her post for the last twenty-four hours in an effort to handle some of the paperwork piling up. Before she could sit down she heard a soft, hoarse voice calling her. “Charlotte?”

Returning to her position on the bed, she took Clarisse’s hand. “Yes ma’am?”

“Would you mind terribly helping me move a bit? My side is sore from lying in the same position.”

“Of course.” Removing the pillow from in front of her, Charlotte placed it in the middle of the bed. With a great deal of care and caution the two women managed to settle Clarisse back into a comfortable position. 

Once satisfied she was settled in, Charlotte started to return to her chair when warm delicate fingers wrapped around her wrist. “Please stay. That chair isn’t comfortable and I know you couldn’t have slept well last night from caring for me. ”

“I’m fine. Please don’t worry about me just focus on getting better.”

“Please.”

Whether it was for Clarisse’s benefits or her own, Charlotte didn’t want to upset her friend so she settled into the bed. _Even in her condition she is still taking care of the people around her._ The thought caused a smile to form across her face.

“Joseph, how is he?”

The smile had been fleeting, worry over the gravity of the situation their small family was in weighing heavily on everyone’s mind. “Better. Still not awake though.”

“I wish to see him.”

“I don’t think the doctor would approve of you leaving bed just yet.”

“I _need_ to see him.” Charlotte’s heart broke a little more at the desperation evident in Clarisse’s voice. 

“Will you stay in bed if I promise to take you as soon as I speak to the doctor about moving you? I will see if he has a wheelchair, so you don't have to walk.”

Sensing she was fighting a losing battle with the ever diligent Charlotte, Clarisse conceded. “Very well. Is he far?”

“Just next door.” 

The knowledge that Joseph was close by seemed to relax her some. Charlotte watched as the blue eyes fluttered closed as she faded out of consciousness again.

^^C/J^^

 

**_Tuesday Evening_ **

 

Clarisse’s head throbbed from all the medicine she’d been given over the past few days. Hearing a cart being pushed up next to the bed, she slowly opened her eyes allowing them time to adjust to the light streaming through the window.

 

“Evening Ma’am.”

 

Clearing her throat slightly, Clarisse tried to sit up but the pain in her back radiated throughout her body when she tried to move. Collapsing back against the large pillow, she sighed. “Charlotte dear, I think we can dismiss with the formalities. I thought we’d moved passed ma’am and Your Majesty when it was just the two of us.”

 

Charlotte blushed. She felt honored to be among the few who had been given such a privilege. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I brought you something to eat. Toast, oatmeal, fruit and, of course, tea.”

 

“Thank you. I think I’ll just have the tea for now.” She watched as Charlotte made the tea. Milk first _always_ , two sugars and then the tea was added. After stirring, Charlotte grabbed a straw and held the delicate teacup so she could drink without having to move.  Although it wasn’t proper to drink hot tea from a straw, she was certain what was proper and improper didn’t rank high on her list at the present moment. The warm liquid glided down her throat instantly bringing relief. After a moment, she smiled slightly. “I’ve missed tea.”

 

“Would you like to try to eat something?”

 

The concern in Charlotte’s light blue eyes was evident even with all the drugs and sedatives running through her system. “Not now. Perhaps after I clear the cobwebs from my head and feel a little more awake.” _Truthfully, the nausea from my time in hell left me with very little appetite._ “I assume Sebastian and you have come up with a plan?”

 

“Yes. He handled the press release and is currently seeing to Parliament. We told them that while on vacation both you and Joseph contracted a highly contagious form of the flu and have been quarantined to the unused portion of the palace. The rest of the staff has been notified of the same. Sebastian has offered to handle any and all of the paperwork he can and if there is anything pressing I can read over it and bring it to you to sign. With several members of parliament away on holiday, though, we both think things will be slow.”

 

“That sounds like a good plan, thank you and please, thank him for me.”

 

“I will. Ma’am…Clarisse.” Charlotte paused a moment before continuing. “Princess Mia called this morning.” The immediate worried expression on Clarisse’s face sent Charlotte scrambling to explain. “I only told her what we told the press, however if you wish I can call her back…”

 

“NO! No, Charlotte she must never find out. She’ll never…” The tears spilled again from her eyes, aggravating her further at the continued lack of control she had over her body, her country, over everything. _Damn those men!_

 

Charlotte gently rubbed her arm. “It’s our secret. Only the six of us will ever know the truth.” She breathed a sigh of relief as she watched Clarisse nod and visibly calm. It made sense that she would not want Mia to know about the hell she and Joseph went through.  
   
“Six? What about the rescue team?” Clarisse asked, motioning for the teacup again.

 

“Shades…Scott wouldn’t let them in the room where they were holding you. So only he and I, the doctor and Sebastian know what happened besides you and Joseph.”

 

“I’ll be sure to thank him properly, in person, once I’m out of this bed.” _A small light in an otherwise dark existence…at least her entire guard force hadn’t seen her at her lowest._

 

Dr. Weston knocked softly on the door before entering. "How are you feeling?" He walked over to stand next to the bed.

 

"Like I've been to hell and back.” Her eyes closed at the reality of that statement. Hell might feel like a vacation compared to what she and Joseph endured.

He offered an understanding glance. "That’s because you have, my queen. I'm just going to check your back to see how it’s healing." He moved to the opposite side and slowly pulled the dressing back, "Looks like Charlotte is doing a fine job keeping it clean and changed."

"You've been helping, Dr. Weston?" Clarisse’s eyes widened.

Charlotte sheepishly nodded her head.

"Thank you, dear. I’m unsure how to properly say thank you."

"You would have done the same for me." Charlotte smiled in encouragement.

"I'm going to give you something more for the pain." Dr. Weston explained as he adjusted the IV.

Clarisse offered her best _I'm perfectly fine_ look…which he completely disregarded. "I know you believe you can handle the pain without assistance, and you probably can. Your inner resolve is legendary, I’m aware. The point is your body needs rest to heal and the medicine will keep you comfortable."

Thinking of all the hours she spent in pain, comfortable sounded reasonable and desirable.  “For a little longer, perhaps.” With Charlotte and the doctor’s assistance, she made herself comfortable against the large pillow and succumbed to sleep.

**_Wednesday Evening_ **

 

Clarisse lay awake in the quiet of her room. Never in her life had she spent so much time in bed. The clock provided soft illumination indicating the time and day of the week. Something was dreadfully wrong in her life when she found comfort in the day indicator as all concept of time had been lost to her.

Wednesday…almost a week since this nightmare began.

The soft sounds of Charlotte’s snore broke into the silence and her thoughts.  Her faithful assistant and friend, someone who she’d come to rely on more in the past seven days than possibly anyone else she ever had…except Joseph. Thoughts of her protector weighed heavily and factored deeply into her mind. The last time she’d seen him he was barely hanging on by a thread.

Dr. Weston assured her he was fighting hard. He’d also mentioned a lesser man would’ve died. Fear of losing Joseph tugged at her nerves every waking hour. And these days, when not forced by medicine to sleep, she had nothing to do but lay awake and think.

She needed to see him for herself. She missed so many things about him…things that now might prove elusive to recapture: the warmth of his body as he held her, the softness of his hands as he touched her skin, and the caress of his lips… She sighed, this line of thinking would only lead to more distress.

Quietly she sat up, removing the IV. She winced and tried not to gasp as the needle left her arm…not a smart move, but desperate times called for her to ignore small details like needles. Compared to the knives and whips she’d endured, a small metal prick barely registered on the pain scale.

Her motions were slow and deliberate, allowing her head and body to adjust to the new position. Once the room stopped spinning, she summoned all her strength, silently praying it would not fail her as she pulled herself to a standing position using the side table for support.

The short distance to Joseph’s room multiplied with each step forward. Shallow breaths and a pounding heart were her companions on the journey. When she finally reached the room, the only thing she focused on was the man plaguing almost every waking thought. With shaky legs, she made her way to the chair next to his bed.

Several long minutes passed as she fought to calm her breathing. _Maybe I should have waited until morning when Charlotte could help me._ Once her heart resumed a normal rhythm, she took Joseph’s hand in hers, examining it as her thumb smoothed across the top. How was it that the strong hand that guided her through crowds, held her body close as they danced, or even tenderly cupped her cheek could look so fragile?

Unable to hold back the tears and finding no desire to stop the flow of emotion, Clarisse whispered into the darkness. “I’m afraid, Joseph. I need you now more than ever before.”  Tears spilled down her face as she continued. “Please fight to wake up. I have lost so much. I will never survive losing you as well. I wouldn’t want to.” Her voice resembled a faint whisper on the winds of the turmoil swirling through her heart. She needed to make one final plea. “There’s still so much I need to tell you. Please come back to me.”

**

Dr. Weston had finished his paperwork and planned to catch a few winks on the couch in his makeshift office before checking on his patients again. His tired body and brain were on auto-pilot as he served Genovia by caring for her Queen and head of security in the utmost of secret. He knew the fatigue had affected him early on when he referred to his patient by her given name in front of the prime minister.  While he’d been afforded the privilege of calling her by name since the birth of Prince Pierre, he hadn’t intended the formality to slip. Ironically, the strain of the situation was so intense, he didn’t think anyone really noticed.

His ears registered a soft voice, hoarse with emotion. Even without seeing, he knew the voice belonged to the strongest woman he’d ever met. Stepping quietly to the door, the small opening allowed him to see her next to Joseph’s bed, holding his hand.

Like many, he’d wondered about the true nature of the relationship between the two of them. He’d suspected it went far deeper than friendship. After hearing and seeing just a glimpse of the trauma they’d endured, he knew their friendship would be put to the ultimate test. He stepped back and closed the door to offer privacy and prayed their friendship would endure.

C&J

**_Thursday Morning_ **

Dr. Weston was reviewing charts in the sitting room separating the two suites when Charlotte appeared in a panic. “Dr. Weston, the Queen…she’s gone. Oh God, I’m so sorry…I’ve lost her.

He could see the panic slicing through her body, the fear of losing the queen again still too fresh on her mind.  Taking the younger woman by the shoulders, he smiled to reassure her. “Calm down, Charlotte. The Queen is safe.”

“But…She’s not in the bed. How…?”

“Come with me.” He walked over to the closed door and pushed it open slightly. “She’s been there all night.”

He could feel the tension leaving her body, replaced by a sigh of relief. “I should’ve known she wouldn’t wait when she asked me his whereabouts yesterday. Should we wake her?”

Pulling the door closed, he shook his head. “No. Give her this time, she needs it.”

**

Clarisse woke with a start, the jerking motion sending shards of pain through her back and thighs. Despite her hold on Joseph’s hand, her abrupt movement didn’t even cause him to stir—a fact that concerned her more than she would allow herself to consider at this moment. She was barely holding it together.  If she allowed harsh reality to infiltrate the few remaining defenses she possessed, not even the legendary ice queen would be able to prevent a complete and total meltdown.

Dr. Weston stepped in presumably to check on Joseph. “Good morning, Your Majesty.”

She had the decency to blush slightly, “I’m sorry, Doctor. I needed to see with my own eyes he was alive.”

“I understand. Let me change his IV meds and check his dressings, then we’ll get you settled back into bed and tend to you.”

She watched as he gave the same care to Joseph’s wounds Charlotte had apparently been giving to hers. She wished she was strong enough to help. She felt so helpless, a feeling she’d had entirely too often lately.  “How are his wounds healing? His wrists were…”

“I’m doing everything I can to minimize the scarring, but it will take a fair amount of time before they fade.”

Another cursed tear trickled down her cheek. How could there possibly be any tears left to cry? “He kept struggling. I begged him to stop. Rich beat him badly.  I didn’t think he was going to survive. Didn’t think we would survive…”

She closed her eyes and wished she could stop the sound of the whip falling on Joseph’s back from playing over and over again in her ears. A gentle touch on her shoulder brought her back to the present. “But you did survive. That is what you must focus on.”

Her finger slid across the marred flesh on his wrists, “I suppose that will have to be enough for the moment.”

“Come, let’s get you back to your bed. You can’t be comfortable in that hard chair.”

She thought back to some of the uncomfortable positions she found herself that weekend. She was tired of being uncomfortable. “Indeed.”

^^C/J^^

Several hours later, Clarisse woke to find Dr. Weston sitting next to her bed. Her eyes flitted around the room. “Charlotte?”

“Meeting with the Prime Minister and eating lunch. She made me promise to stay with you until she returns.”

“She’s turning into quite the mother hen.” Though she grumbled, she’d been grateful for Charlotte’s calming presence the past few days.

Dr. Weston smiled. “From what I understand, she was the one that prompted an earlier search for you and Joseph. When you didn’t answer her calls, the mother hen in her practically demanded Shades and the royal guard check on you.”

Clarisse stared at a point on the far wall, “If she hadn’t, I’m not sure I would have made it until Monday or Tuesday. They might have kept me alive for…entertainment purposes, but I’m confident Rich would have killed Joseph before help arrived.”

“Since Charlotte is away, may I speak with you candidly for a few moments?” He leaned forward and put his hand on her arm.

She managed to only flinch slightly at his touch, “Of course.”

“When you answered my question the other day about how many, your answer was to the number of assailants, correct?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes.” The drugs and forced rest made her mind unable to form a convincing lie quickly.

“What do you mean?” She had his undivided attention.

“I don’t want to talk about this.” _How’s that for truth?_

“I understand…”

She cut him off as the blood in her body heated with anger she’d been fighting hard to suppress.  “With all due respect, doctor, you couldn’t possibly.” Her gaze turned to fix blue, tormented eyes on his kind grey ones.

He nodded, “You’re right, I can’t possibly fathom what it’s like to be raped. I apologize. But…”

“But what?”

“You’re going to have to talk to someone about this. If not me...”

The torment in the blue orbs turned to distress, “I cannot talk with anyone else about this. You know that’s not possible.”

“Then you and I must speak about it.” He knew this was troubling for her, but he’d given it a lot of thought while his patient slept. He would not let the woman behind the crown suffer any more than necessary.

“And if I refuse?” Blue eyes hinted a challenge.

He let silence fall between them for a few minutes. He picked up the charts and settled back into the chair, his gaze holding hers. “Then you will never be able to move past the events of that weekend, they will eat you from the inside out and interfere not only with your duty to Genovia, but the duty you have to the traumatized woman who will hide behind the Queen.”

“Some things are too painful to speak of.” Her gaze moved away from his, unable to stomach the pity she saw in his eyes.

“This isn’t easy, but you must share with someone. We both know that someone needs to be me. Let me try and make it easier for you. I’ll ask yes or no questions for you to answer. Can we try?”

Clarisse inhaled and exhaled trying to draw strength and composure around her damaged psyche. “As you wish.”

“You were raped by three separate individuals?”

“Yes.”

“Rich?”

“Yes.”

This news didn’t surprise him. He’d read the files when he completed the autopsies. Rich had been convicted previously of rape. “Lester?”

“Once, yes.”

“And Jason?”

“No.”

“Jason didn’t rape you.”

“Not in the traditional sense and not that I’m aware of, no.” She had no idea what happened after she blacked out…a detail that bothered her more than she cared to admit.

The silence hung like an iron curtain in the room, pressing down and removing all the air. “But Clarisse…”

Her gaze fixed on his, “There was another man in the room.”

“Joseph?”

The damnable tears started to fall again. “They forced him…forced me…it was hell, Doctor. Can you understand that? Pure hell. To have your life hanging in the balance, pain on the end of every nerve, and your spirit ripped in two by violation after violation - not just of your body, but of your very soul.”

He sat back in the chair, his hands folded in his lap as he tried to comprehend the nightmare his queen and her head of security had endured.  She was right…it was impossible for him to understand.


	5. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While their physical bodies begin the healing process, the emotional trauma begins to take its toll on Clarisse and Joseph.

**_Chapter Five: Nightmares_ ** ****

**_Friday - 1 week after rescue_ **

 

One incredibly long week had passed since the rescue and Joseph knew, without a doubt, he was going stir crazy being stuck in this bed. He’d been informed that Dr. Weston had kept him sedated much longer than Clarisse due to the extent of his physical trauma. They hadn’t even started to scratch the surface of his emotional trauma yet.  He wasn’t even sure there was a reason to go there.  If Clarisse fired him or worse, told him their friendship was over, he’d gladly welcome the emotional pain and carry it with him like a badge.  He’d failed her and there was no getting around that simple fact.

Thankfully, Charlotte stopped by occasionally, usually to gather more supplies for Clarisse’s care. He’d watched carefully the number of times she’d obtained more ointment and dressing. His very soul hurt from not being able to see her wounds with his own eyes – to see her fighting to get better – to simply see her again. He had no idea the full extent of her injuries, but prayed she was healing quicker than he was.  His voice was hoarse as he interrupted, “Charlotte?”

Turning, Charlotte walked to the side of the bed. “Hi Joe. I didn’t mean to disturb you, I was just gathering supplies.”

He smiled. “You didn’t disturb me. In fact, I’m glad you’re here. How is she?”

Charlotte returned his smile. _Even though they are both dealing with extreme pain, their first concern has always been for each other._ The thought warmed her soul. “She’s doing well physically. The ointment and forced rest are helping the healing process along.”

His body may have been battered, his soul destroyed but his mind was still as sharp as ever. She’d side-stepped his question by addressing only her physical condition. “Charlotte? What about nightmares. I know she’s having them.” _There’s no way she’s not…I’m having them every time I close my eyes._

 “How do you know…never mind, you always know. She’s been taking medicine to help her sleep.”

“You’re avoiding my question, dammit. How bad are the nightmares?” His aggravation increased. For today, he was still head of security and his first priority always had been and always would be her. _Even if she fires me for failing so miserably last week._ He didn’t like being kept in the dark.

Knowing he wouldn’t let up until he had the information his heart demanded, Charlotte finally gave him the truth. “I think so, yes. You know how she is. She doesn’t like to talk about it.”

Taking her hand in his, he startled her. Joseph rarely showed any public displays of affection…except with the Queen. “Charlotte, I need you to promise me you’ll stay with her. Once she’s back in her suite, I need to know you’ll be there with her. I wish to God it could be me watching over her, but given what’s happened, that scenario seems unlikely. Even if the Doc would let me out of this damn bed, I don’t think she’d be comfortable with me being there while she slept.”

“That’s not going to go over well.” Charlotte’s brows furrowed in concentration.

“We don’t have to tell her.”

“Joseph, I’m not going to lie to her. She would see straight through me. You know what a terrible liar I am.”

“You don’t have to lie, just don’t get caught. Please Charlotte, I’m begging you. I NEED to know she has someone to turn to. Clarisse is too stubborn for her own good sometimes. She will never come to you, so you need to be there for her.” He squeezed her hand lightly, “Please.”

Sighing deeply, Charlotte conceded. “How do you propose I sneak past the guards every night?”

“I am still Head of Security, right?” He prayed she hadn’t already fired him.

Charlotte nodded. “Of course.”

I’ll see to it they give you no problems and will alert you once she has retired to bed each night.”

Knowing Joe had thought of everything, she asked. “What shall I say if and when she needs me? How do I explain my presence to her?”

“Just tell her the truth. If she’s going to be mad at anyone, it may as well be me.” _She probably hates me already for what I did to her…what I allowed to be done to her._

Shaking her head, she muttered. “I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. You’ll owe me big time for this Joe.” Charlotte joked.

“Charlotte, I owe you for my life…for her life.” With tears forming in his blue gray orbs, he fought to hold them at bay. “If it wasn’t for you, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Anything you ever need from me, just say the word.”

“I was just doing my job.” The blonde hair shook as she lowered her head, the color of embarrassment heating her face.

“What you did and are doing is far more than anything listed in your job description. I’m forever in your debt.”

“I don’t see it that way. I was just a friend helping a friend. You would do the same if the roles were reversed.” She looked off into the distance. “She saved me more than once; it’s my turn to be there for her.”

“Thank you all the same.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll let you know once she’s back upstairs and I’ll keep you up to date on the nightmares.”

“Thank you.” Joseph replied, closing his eyes. At least now he knew she wouldn’t be alone. If he could not be there to offer her strength, console and protect her from the demons, then the least he could do was make sure Charlotte would be. _Protect her. If I had protected her in the first place, none of this would be happening. Instead I might actually be curled up on the sofa with her, in front of the fireplace, running my fingers through her silky soft hair while sharing passionate kisses. I failed her and now I will never know what life could have been like waking up with her in my arms every morning, kissing her goodnight every night._

_**_

**_Saturday_ **

It had been just over a week and Clarisse was finally in the familiar comfort of her suite.

Sitting on the bed propped against a multitude of pillows, she’d finally given up on reading. It was just too hard to concentrate. She tossed the book to the far side of the bed and snuggled deep under the covers before turning the light off. Resting somewhere between her stomach and side, the only reasonable position these days, she drew her knees up as far as comfort would allow and stared into the darkness that filled the room as well as her soul.

Her eyes focused on the silver vase on her desk. The shimmer of light from the crack in the curtains allowed the moonlight to reflect brightly off the vase, glinting in the dark room. The rapid beating of her heart against her chest echoed in the quiet room. The memory of the blade…Lester’s knife all too prominent in her mind. Her finger absently traced down the healing wound of the six inch long cut he’d inflicted on her.

She closed her eyes, desperate to rid the image from her mind.  She was unsuccessful. No matter how tightly she squeezed her eyes, her mind would not let her forget the fateful moment she regained consciousness after being captured.  After several minutes, a restless sleep overcame her as nightmares filled her mind.

_Restrained, unable to flee as foreign hands explored her body—sliding against the smooth flesh. Shivers of disgust radiating throughout her entire being. Those same hands moving lower, invading, violating…_

_She tried to resist—tried to pull away. She desperately wanted to get to Joseph…he was only ten feet in front of her…secured to a metal chair…trying to get to her._

_The force of the slap sent bells ringing through her head…would’ve knocked her over if three of her four limbs hadn’t been cuffed, holding her firmly in place._

_The tears escaped…the first crack in her control, only a façade now as she was utterly and completely out of control._

_Then there was…the knife. The dim lighting reflected off the tip of the blade as it sliced the top layer of her skin, the pain increasing with each inch of her freckled skin the knife traversed. Joseph’s screams and attempts to get free barely registered with the blood pounding in her ears from her wildly beating heart._

Clarisse tossed as the haunted sleep of her nightmare took her back to the reality of the day.

_Remove her restraints… secure her wrists to the bed._

_If possible, another level of horror slipped through the crack in her control…_

_Her body throbbed… pleasure and pain… all part of a sick game she and Joseph were being forced to play._

_Her wrists felt the confines of her bondage once again. Ankles not secured…instead, sweaty hands pulled at her legs, exposing her body to their leering gazes and filthy touches._ She _struggled – desperate to get away from them…from this nightmare._

_Joseph…she needed Joseph._

_“Enough!” Joseph screamed.  He had to do something, anything to get those men’s hands off of her body._

_The sick game…Lester’s master plan…destroying them physically and emotionally._

_Joseph’s hands…his mouth…all the attention, the love she had looked forward to experiencing some day – now being thrust on her in the midst of hell. Not what she wanted…not what he wanted…but something they had to do.  It was either Joseph or one of them… She thanked God it was Joseph._

_“Close your eyes,” he whispered.  “Take yourself away from here…imagine us alone, in another place.”_

_Inhale. Exhale. She needed to breathe, to concentrate, to wake up from this nightmare._

_Control slipped further away at Joseph’s gentle touch…taking her higher and higher.  Innocence lost – never to be regained as her body coiled tightly. She fought it – God help her she did. But they would not let her win…_

_“Scream his name, Clarisse.  Let him know he has pleased his Queen.”_

_“Go to hell!”_

_It was no use…the game was almost over. The rise and fall of her chest – the tossing of her head – the verbal responses to the pleasure…. She still held on until she could no longer resist the magic of Joseph’s touch._

_“Oh god…Joseph!”  Ecstasy and shame…remorse and regret._  

The scream for Joseph roused Charlotte from her sleep on the sofa. She ran into the Queen’s room, gently shaking Clarisse’s trembling body. She watched as her eyes opened, colored with a myriad of emotions visible even in the dim light of the room.

Clarisse blinked rapidly to reorient herself. She was safe in her room but the humiliation of her nightmare remained. “Charlotte?! What…What are you doing here?”

“I was on the sofa. I heard you. I heard you call out for Joseph in your sleep. I thought you were having a nightmare.”

The memory of WHY she’d called out Joseph’s name sent a flush of embarrassment over her entire body. “That doesn’t explain why you are here.”

“I promised.” The answer was simple and direct.

“Promised who, Charlotte?” The cobwebs cleared enough and the young woman’s concerned face gave her the answer she had suspected. “Joseph?”

“Yes, I promised him I’d be here for you. He worried about the nightmares. I suspect he’s having them too, though he’d never admit as much to me. He wanted to be the one to be here for you, to console you, and offer you his strength. He knew, given the circumstances, he wasn’t in the position to do what he wanted, so he asked me to take his place until he’s better.” Charlotte sat on the side of the bed, handing Clarisse the water from the night stand. “Even though he asked, please know I’m more than happy to be here and will continue to be, until you send me away.”

Knowing she would rather not be alone Clarisse conceded. “The sofa isn’t very comfortable.” She gestured to the other side of the bed. “You may as well sleep here, since I know even if I were to make it an order for you to leave, you would never break your promise to Joseph. Truth is, he has always known what I needed…even now, so thank you Charlotte, for staying.”

As the pair settled into bed, Charlotte heard the distinct sounds of sniffling coming from the other side of the bed. Reaching across the space between them, she ran her hand along Clarisse’s upper arm in an effort to offer some quiet comfort, surprised when she slowly turned over to face her, the tears trickling down her cheeks.

Charlotte’s heart broke as she knew, only in the deepest throes of despair, would her friend ever let her see such a loss of control. She moved closer and pulled the older woman into her arms, careful not to put any more pressure than necessary on the wounded areas. She offered strength and comfort as the emotions from the past several days and nights escaped Clarisse’s body through tears.

_C/J_

**_Almost 2 weeks since abduction (Tuesday, October 28)_ **

 It had been five days, the longest Clarisse had ever been away from Joseph. She was accustomed to him always being there, lingering in the shadows, prepared to assist her at a moment’s notice.

Staring at the reflection of the woman she had become over the past fifty five years, Clarisse shivered at the sight before her, barely recognizing the woman in mirror. This woman was lost, alone and scared. Her heart ached to be reunited with its mate, but her mate was confined to a bed at the far side of the palace…because of her.

Stepping from the dressing room, Clarisse pondered the idea of whether or not she should go see Joseph. _What if he doesn’t want to see me? What if he also blames me for his present condition?_ With one last look toward her bed, she decided since her sleep would only be plagued with nightmares, she may as well answer her heart’s plea. _Whether it ended badly or not._

Slipping through the secret passage, Clarisse made several turns as she wandered the hidden corridors, remembering all the times she and Joseph used them to offer her a small break from formal events held at the palace or even, on occasion, to steal a few quiet moments alone and a kiss or two between meetings.

Arriving at the exit which opened across the hall from where Joseph was recovering, Clarisse took a deep breath before moving forward. Once outside his door, her bravado fled. Fear of what he might say…might do or, worse, might not say or do plagued her. Reaching a sweaty palm out, she slowly eased the door open and looked inside. Sadness gripped her heart like a vise at the image before her. He was asleep, but even in the dim light of the room, the damage to his body was evident. An overwhelming desire to be close to him moved her forward. Pulling a chair to his bedside, she settled in and stared at his sleeping form.

**

For the past several days, Joseph had longed to see Clarisse, to hear the soft melodic sound of her voice as she spoke or to even smell her sweetness as she walked in front of him. He’d been drifting in and out of sleep when his body sensed her presence.

After being with someone every day for the last thirty years, especially someone who holds your heart, you develop a connection that allows you to sense their presence in a room without even seeing them. As her light footsteps clicked across the floor, he battled with his desire to see her with the desire to learn what she would say or do if she didn’t realize he was awake. Or, he admitted to himself, perhaps the fear she would make an excuse and leave if she thought he was aware of her presence. Those fears kept him from opening his eyes.

Clarisse noticed his closed eyes and steady breathing and assumed he was asleep which gave her more confidence, She reached out to take his hand in hers, thankful it was warm, unlike the last time she held it. Surveying his badly bruised body, she tried to reconcile all that had happened to them. He’d suffered so much more physically than she had. Her emotional scars ran deep, it was true, but she hadn’t been beaten to the same extent as Joseph. She’d already resumed some of her duties, though still avoiding any public interaction outside of her own staff.  But Joseph…

Suffocating guilt consumed her as she considered that the man who had been her rock, her fortress, HER strength, remained bed-ridden, fighting for his life: The strength, power, physical presence of his normal demeanor replaced with quiet rest.

Joseph had always been there for her. He was the reason she was alive today. It was time for her to return the favor. She would be his rock, his fortress and HIS strength for as long as he allowed.

Her fingers traced the wounds on his wrist, evidence of his intense efforts to save her. Clarisse couldn’t stop the tears running down her cheeks. “I’ll never be able to thank you enough for what you endured during those forty eight hours. You fought so diligently to save me - to save us. Even now you are still protecting me. Charlotte shared you asked her to stay with me…you’ve always known what I needed.” She whispered.

Wiping her cheeks with her one free hand before running it along his forearm, she continued. “Please forgive me, Joseph. Forgive me for being thankful you were there with me. Though I hate you were hurt so badly, the thought of enduring that nightmare alone…well, I wouldn’t have survived. You saved me.”

He heard the soft inhale and exhale of her breath as she fought for composure. A part of him wanted to open his eyes and pull her into his arms. The other knew it would only make things more awkward between them as her embarrassment over such a revelation would likely widen the chasm already between them. He silently prayed that somehow, someday he could build a bridge to make his way back to her.

After several more minutes, she finished.  “I need you Joseph. We need each other. I’ve never felt this lost before. Please get well and come back to me.” Standing, she moved the short distance to the head of the bed pressing two fingers to her lips before gently resting them against his. “Yo sólo te he necesitado.”

Hearing the door latch, Joseph whispered into the darkness, “And I've only ever needed you.” His heart ripped apart at the seams. _Dear Lord she blames herself for the mess I caused! It’s my fault and mine alone that she was even there, yet she thinks I saved her somehow in my inability to protect her. I didn’t save her…I failed her._ With this final thought, Joseph succumbed to the onslaught of emotions threatening him since she entered the room. Wiping the tears from his face he made a silent promise to himself to never fail her again…no matter the personal cost.


	6. Welcome Back to Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With their physical scars beginning to heal, it's time to begin therapy sessions with Dr. Weston. Can Clarisse and Joseph move past the nightmare of that weekend or will talking about it serve only to take them back to the hell they experienced? Will they be able to face the challenge together or will Joseph decide to leave to make things easier for Clarisse?

**_Chapter Six: Welcome Back to Hell_ **

****

**_Friday - 2 weeks after abduction – mid October_ **

_Therapy with Dr. Weston begins_

Clarisse sat in the quiet, softly lit room, her hands playing with the fringe on the small pillow next to her. She knew the doctor possessed intimate knowledge about at least some the events that transpired while she and Joseph were held captive. Besides the physical examination, in a moment of weakness, she’d shared other details with him--details she now regretted. Details that would make it even more difficult to face the discussions that would come next.

In a way, she wanted to unburden her heart and tell him every small detail in the hopes the confession would make the nightmares and pain go away. Confession would only be the beginning, though. The real pain, the emotional pain, would flood every pore of her being as she faced her fears head on.  That thought unnerved her more than she cared to admit.

Dr. Weston entered the room taking his seat across from Clarisse. His eyes surveyed the woman he had been providing care for since she married King Rupert, may he rest in peace. They’d been together through good times and bad, but this time...

Without a doubt, this was far worse than any other situation his queen and friend had endured. He silently prayed for courage and the right words to help her heal.

He smiled as her eyes lifted to meet his. "Tell me what you hope to gain from these sessions?" It was a routine beginning for a non-routine problem, but he wanted to know her emotional state so he’d have some idea how to proceed.

"What am I hoping for? I'm hoping to sleep at night without being haunted by those men. I'm hoping to be able to look Joseph in the eyes again and not feel shame. I'm hoping that one day the small things that once gave me comfort will not make me flinch or cause my stomach to churn." 

He nodded. She understood what was at stake. He also believed she knew this would be one of the hardest things she’d ever done in her life. "I don’t have to tell you this is not going to be an easy road. The good news is you don’t have to travel it alone. I’m here to help, anytime and in any way I can. Also, I know you understand that even you and I, alone, won’t be able to bring about full healing. You understand what I’m trying to say?"

She understood. A fresh wave of fear crashed through her already embattled heart. The thought of having to express her feelings in front of Joseph created an uneasiness she couldn’t control. Her stomach clenched as the darkness threatened to pull her back to the depths of the hell they’d been rescued. Reliving the nightmare while sitting next to Joseph, exposing her innermost thoughts and secrets…A new level of hell.

Troubled blue eyes found his and prompted him to offer encouragement. "I'm not saying right away, but eventually Clarisse... when you’re ready." He smiled gently for her benefit, "Shall we begin?"  

He received a reluctant nod, but a nod nonetheless. "Why don’t you start by telling me what was going on prior to the men showing up and ruining your weekend away?"

Closing her eyes, she allowed the memories to drift back to that day: The cool breeze from the ocean and the smell of leather mixed with aftershave; the warmth of Joseph’s jacket draped around her shoulders as they walked along the shore holding hands; the closeness as they reminisced about the good times they’d shared with Philippe and Pierre when they were boys; and finally, the joy of selecting shells to add to the collection the boys had started during one of their many visits there as children **.**

Then there was the kiss and the promise of moving their relationship forward later that day. A battle waged within her heart. How much information about their private relationship should she share? Part of her knew if she ever wanted to have an intimate relationship with Joseph, one that was not choreographed by a mad man, she would have to overcome this huge obstacle in her—in their—path. The other part feared if she provided the details and, subsequently, Joseph no longer wanted her... 

Shaking her head slightly not yet willing to think about that and the consequence it would have on both their personal and professional relationship, she forged ahead and recounted the pleasant part of the day.  She finished her story. "Then the rain started, forcing us back to the cabin where the nightmare began." 

"What do you remember after arriving to the house?" 

Clarisse shuddered. "I remember the laughter and then the fear. My life has been endangered before, but always from a distance: A threat, a voice from a crowd, an overzealous citizen trying to elude security and get closer to me. Never before have I felt cold, hard steel pressed against my temple or sweaty, unwanted hands holding my body close to theirs, covering my mouth to ensure my silence. The sound of my dropping the shells I’d been holding alerted Joseph and he turned toward me. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes when the gun against my head registered in his brain. The sound of another gun being cocked with the one threat they knew would keep him from fighting back.  They told him to drop his weapon or they would kill me.”

Her body shuddered again at the memory, even though that moment paled in comparison to all the horror that came next. She’d seen it in his eyes…the failure and the fear. “I remember feeling completely helpless and yet sorry at the same time. Then I felt nothing as the sickening sweet smell of chloroform covered my mouth and nose sending my world into blackness.” 

Dr. Weston paused for a few moments, letting her words sink in and giving her time to bring herself back to the present. "Let's talk about that. You mentioned you felt sorry along with feeling helpless. The last part I understand, but why did you feel sorry?" 

"I'm not sure exactly. If I hadn't distracted Joseph, perhaps none of this would have happened."  

"Is that the only reason?" 

The air thickened with every breath she took, the moisture on her hands forcing her to wipe her palms on her skirt, her breathing becoming shallow and rapid. She wanted desperately to be rid of the nightmare and to just have her old life back again. But this… This was becoming too much. "I think we are finished for today." She stood and quickly made her way to the door. 

"Clarisse?" She heard her name being called over the thunderous beating in her chest. "Whatever you say in here, whether it’s about what happened that weekend or feelings you harbored prior to the weekend, you can share.  Nothing you say to me leaves this room." 

Turning, Clarisse studied the doctor’s face for several moments, weighing her options. Finally, working through her doubts, she made her way back to the couch. Taking a deep cleansing breath, she closed her eyes as she uttered the words she’d never dare speak to another soul, not even the man who held her heart. "I felt sorry for opportunities lost. Joseph and I have been friends for a long time, more than just employer and employee, something so much more. I’m cautious by nature and very private, unaccustomed to expressing my feelings. I never told him how I felt…the depth of those feelings for him. And now…" Clarisse wiped the trickle of tears away with the proffered tissue. 

"Do you still harbor those feelings?”  He knew the answer, but wanted to see how she responded.

“What difference does that make? After everything that transpired between us and to us, we can never return to what we were.” 

“You are absolutely right. We can’t change time and return life to the way things used to be, but if you still harbor those feelings, which I suspect somewhere deep inside you still do, it makes all the difference in the world.” 

^^C/J^^

**_3 weeks after abduction_ **

Joseph paced back and forth outside the office door. He knew in order to return to work he would need a full psych evaluation. This time, however, it would be more than a couple sessions on the doctor’s couch. Rubbing his calloused hands across his face, he took a breath before entering the office. 

"Good evening, Joseph, I was beginning to think you might not show.” Dr. Weston tried to lighten the mood while shaking Joseph’s hand, offering him a seat on the couch. 

"Well the thought did cross my mind, but I know this must be done in order to return to work.” He offered an attempt at a smile, hoping Dr. Weston couldn’t see past the façade he was trying to build. 

“Since talking to me is a normal part of the process after an incident, why don’t we begin with you telling me what you hope to gain from these sessions, besides my clearance?” 

Joseph relaxed back on the couch where he stared at the doctor on the other side of the coffee table. He wasn’t even five minutes into his first session and he already knew this would be a long hour. 

The doctor continued. “We've been down this road several times before, albeit nothing as traumatic as this…” 

“Traumatic?!” Joseph jumped to his feet, pacing the room to relieve the nervous energy that had been building all day. “Traumatic, Doc? It wasn’t traumatic!” The flimsy excuse for barriers he'd built around his emotions crumbled like dust. “It was so far beyond traumatic there isn’t even a name for what we endured.”

Joseph moved to stand directly in front of the doctor, leaning forward to make sure he understood what was at stake. “The physical pain, I could handle. They wanted to toy with MY emotions? Fine! But they didn’t focus on only me.  When they turned to Clarisse...” His head hung in shame as he clenched his fists until the blood no longer flowed freely. His mind flashed through the events of that weekend turning his face red with anger and his knuckles white. “I knew no matter how much I struggled, or fought to get free, there was absolutely nothing I could do to save her from the horrors she was about to experience because of me…ME!  That goes well beyond the boundaries of traumatic. How exactly am I supposed to get past that?”

Taking his seat back on the couch, Joseph continued, his voice barely audible. “There is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for her. I would gladly give up my life if it meant that she was able to find peace again.” He brushed a stray tear away with the back of his hand. 

Doc Weston nodded in agreement. “She engenders a great deal of loyalty, especially from those closest to her.  I apologize for attempting to categorize your experience. You’re right. Some horrors are too grand to comprehend, much less fall under a general label. Will you accept my apology?” He needed Joseph to calm down so they could have a discussion.

Joseph shrugged his shoulders. “Sure. You didn’t…don’t know about the hell we went through. You only saw the physical results. Trust me when I tell you, those pale in comparison to the other scars Clarisse and I have.”

The older man nodded. “Thank you, I appreciate your patience with me as I get up to speed on the events. From your…aggressive…reaction, it’s apparent you blame yourself for what happened that weekend.  I understand that to a certain extent. However, I think your guilt goes much deeper than self-blame. Do you believe she blames you for what happened?” 

Joseph’s face registered shock. “Of course, she blames me. All facts aside, it’s my sole priority to protect her and I failed to do that in a life altering way. She has every right in this world to blame me, Doc.” 

“But has she said the words?” 

Joseph shrugged again. “She doesn’t need to. She can’t even look me in the eyes.  If that doesn’t say  _I blame you for the living hell I endured…_ I’m not sure what does.”  

“Joseph, listen to me, until she gives you reason to believe otherwise let’s not put our own assumptions onto another. Because you both endured this weekend together, I believe it will be important, as we progress, to include her in our sessions.”  

"Why?  We didn't include her in the past discussions for other incidents." Joseph didn’t want to confront his failure in such an open, examining way with the woman he failed so miserably sitting right next to him.

“I think we can agree this incident was, as you stated, well beyond the normal scope of anything that has happened in the past.  As such and, given the nature of your personal relationship, I believe working together will help you both overcome your demons faster."

“The demons are not going to go away, Doc. Any chance we might have had for that type of relationship has now vanished thanks to those bastards. They took everything away from us.” 

“There is no doubt they put you both through extreme physical torture, evidenced by the extent of the physical damage to your bodies when I examined and treated you. Based on the nature of those wounds, I can surmise the emotional turmoil was extensive as well. Since you were there, I'm not revealing anything to you by confirming Clarisse was sexually assaulted multiple times. Is that what you mean by they took everything away from you?” 

“You have no idea. After we became alert, I quickly realized we were chained in place. I was secured to a chair and Clarisse was chained to the floor at her ankle.” He leveled a gaze on Dr. Weston, a gaze filled with anger and pain. “Do you understand? They had Clarisse Renaldi, Queen of Genovia chained to the floor like an animal.”

Joseph closed his eyes, resting his head in his palms as the images flickered through his mind like a movie reel. He could hear the clanking of the chain as Clarisse tugged and could feel the metal cutting into his wrist as he struggled to free himself.  He would never forget the smell of the room—pungent, a mixture of grease, ammonia and faint smell of sulfur lingering in the air, infusing every breath. “The things they asked of her and the things they made me do to her...”  His body shook as he fought to contain the sobs threatening to consume him. 

Dr. Weston waited until Joe had regained his composure. “I promise you, Joseph, we will get through all of this—one step—one nightmare at a time. I sense you need some time to process the emotions from that first day before we can talk about them further.  Perhaps it’s best if we pick this up in our next session?" 

"You’re the boss right now, Doc." Grateful to end the reliving of the nightmare, Joseph stood and took his leave.

^^C/J^^ 

 

**_Saturday - 4 weeks after abduction_ **

Joseph pushed his oatmeal around in the bowl, looking at the clock for the umpteenth time this morning only to find that he still had ten minutes before he needed to head down for his appointment with Dr. Weston. 

Deciding to leave early, he made his way to the unused portion of the palace where he had been meeting Dr. Weston for the past week. Slowly meandering his way down the dimly lit corridors, he rounded the corner and bumped into a soft but firm object. His arms instinctively closed around the person to keep them from losing their balance. Before his eyes had the chance to register who was now in his arms, his nose answered for him: Chanel.  Clarisse.

Dropping his arms quickly to his side, he started to apologize until his eyes were finally able to focus on the woman standing before him. Clarisse's face was red, her eyes puffy and swollen, mascara smudged as it mixed with the tears that dared escaped her once brilliant blue eyes.

The need to pull her into his arms and comfort her was strong, almost strong enough to battle the demons clawing at his arms, holding him back. Almost…

A month ago he would have done exactly that, but today. Today was different. Rather than melting into his embrace, her body stiffened sending the clear signal. Don’t. Touch. Me.

The demons kept their grip and he stood there, mutely staring at her, trying to find something—anything to say. Instead, she found her voice first. “Forgive me. I wasn’t watching where I was going.” She wiped the tears from her face and hastened the remaining way down the corridor.  

Joseph stood, dead in his tracks watching as she made her retreat to safety. The invisible grip on his arms lessened and he rubbed his face.  _God, how has my life turned into this living hell?_   Sighing, he knew exactly when it all changed and Dr. Weston wasn’t going to let him go until he’d told him everything.  With a heavy heart, he continued the path that would lead him to the door where secrets were exposed and failures revealed.

He knocked, only entering once permission was granted by Dr. Weston.  Before this session even started, he knew it would be pure hell as the sweet smell of Clarisse lingered not only in his nostrils from their brief contact but also in the small office.  _Her tears are the result of a session with Dr. Weston.  The result of her time in hell with me._

Taking his seat on the couch, Joseph closed his eyes as his body registered the warmth still remaining within the cushion from where she occupied the same spot only moments before.  The image of her troubled, tear-stained face flashed back into his head as he heard the doctor speaking but not really hearing what he was saying. "I'm sorry, Doc. I was somewhere else entirely. Can you repeat that?"

"It wasn't important, just the usual how are you. Since you said you were somewhere else just now would you like to talk about it?" 

"Want to jump right in the deep end, don’t you?" 

"With you, yes. It seems to be the best approach.” Doc Weston offered him a small smile. 

"If you must know, I literally just ran into Clarisse." 

"I see, and how did that go? Did you speak?" 

"She was visibly upset. I reacted and embraced her in an effort to provide stability for both of us before realizing who it was. She apologized and before I could say anything, she hurried off...presumably to get away from me." 

Looking back over his notes Dr. Weston asked. “A week ago in our last session, you mentioned you both were forced to do things to each other. We didn’t discuss it then as you were very upset, but I think we should talk about that now." 

"I'd rather not." 

Seeing the set line of Joseph’s jaw, Dr. Weston decided on another approach. "Joseph, it was very apparent when you came in today, you were upset by your encounter. Clarisse’s reaction, her emotional state, has affected you deeply. We need to talk about how you feel about all of this so we can move forward." 

"How do you think I feel, Doc? I have always been the one person she can turn to when she’s upset and now that her emotions are perhaps at their most fragile, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I can't pull her into my arms, because my touch is repulsive to her. I feel helpless, more so now than I did then, at least then I was physically restrained. Now I have two free arms to hold her with and thanks to those three bastards she can't bear to be in my presence, much less welcome my touch. To her, I'm just as bad as them. This whole situation is hell."   

"What makes you think she feels that way? More importantly, why do you believe you’re as bad as those men?" 

Standing to pace as he often did during their sessions, he tried to explain. "As you probably guessed or maybe she told you, we’d begun to progress from friendship to…something more. We hadn’t made it very far, just touching while kissing with the promise of more to come.  You can imagine how everything changed the moment they undressed her right in front of me. Me, and three other men. I'll never forget the way her eyes looked when they locked with mine.”

To further his point, Joseph stopped pacing long enough to stare intently at the doctor’s eyes. “I’ve spent enough time looking in those eyes to see fear. She was brave and those bastards didn’t know how scared she was. But to me…"

Dr. Weston held his gaze for a moment before explaining. “To me that says her trust in you was deep, stronger than you may have even realized. Our queen is an incredibly private woman. By allowing you to see her fear says far more about the depth of your relationship than any physical affirmation might have.”

Joseph considered his words and allowed himself, for a moment, to believe they were true. Then the memories continued, robbing him of the momentary comfort. He stood, breaking the eye contact.  “It doesn’t matter. What they forced us to do next violated any trust she might have had in me and put an end to the possibility of a long-term relationship between the two of us.”

The doctor wondered if Joseph was about to confirm what Clarisse had told him a few days after her rescue, but prompted him to continue. “What did they force you to do?”

For the hundredth time, Joseph longed for a window to stare out of in these blasted four walls. Instead he picked a book on the shelf and studied it as though it were the most fascinating book in the world. Finally, he answered, his voice low and embarrassed. “Things I’d dreamed of doing for years to her—with her.”

He felt Dr. Weston’s presence standing beside him, a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Men fantasize about being with the women they love, there’s nothing wrong with that. Tell me about your fantasy and then, perhaps, it will be easier to tell me how they took that away.”

Joseph shook his head, “Saying it out loud, especially after everything that happened, makes me so ashamed.”

“Joseph, I happen to be a passionate man who has loved my wife for years. I still fantasize about ways to show her the depth of my love for her in very physical ways. I would be surprised if you were any different when it came to fantasies about the woman you loved.”

“Everything I say here is just between us?”

“Totally confidential.”

Walking across the room, Joseph allowed himself to recall a favorite fantasy. With a quiet, shame-filled voice, he shared his story. “Like any man, I’d dreamed of making love to Clarisse, to feel her warm soft body under me as we became one. But, as you said earlier, Clarisse is a very private woman.  Along with her privacy, she values control…perhaps above everything else.”

Dr. Weston nodded. Control was an issue he and Clarisse were dealing with in their sessions. Or, more aptly, the loss of control she felt in this entire situation. It seemed Joseph knew his queen very well. “Go on…”

He exhaled slowly before continuing. “Because of her legendary control, I fantasized about showing her how wonderful it could be to yield control to someone else…to me. I wanted to…to…” Thoughts of Clarisse chained to the ceiling and then to the bed assaulted his more pleasant memory and blacked it out. The tears in her eyes as the men…as he…took advantage of her inability to defend herself. He was a sick bastard and didn’t deserve her love.

The calm, non-judgmental voice of Dr. Weston found its way into his nightmare. “You wanted to tie her up? Is that it Joseph?”

He nodded, unable to verbally confirm the answer.

“Let me try to finish this out for you. Stop me if I get it wrong, okay?

Joseph nodded again.

“You imagined tying her to the bed, giving you the opportunity to touch her—kiss her—pleasure her in a way that provided her only the opportunity to accept it and enjoy it.”

Joseph’s hands were squeezed tightly in a fist in an effort to control himself. Another deep breath in and then out. “I wanted her to come undone all around me, losing that control in such a beautiful way. I’d seen her face a thousand times in my fantasy…so breathtaking as she gave herself over to pleasure.”

“And instead of your fantasy playing out as you’d imagined it…”

His expression hardened. “Instead, I saw her eyes close and the horror spread across her face as they made me kneel before her and take liberties with her that I’d dreamed of doing. But, not like that and not with an audience.” Joseph forced his tormented eyes back to the Doc’s. “Do you understand what I’m telling you? They forced me to do all the things I’d ever wanted to do to her and there was a small, very sick part of me that got aroused from doing it.”  He tried not to think of the time, he couldn’t get aroused and Clarisse had to help him.  He might literally be sick.

“Come, sit down, Joseph. I think I understand a little better now the source of your torment.”  _And the Queen’s as well._

Reluctantly, Joseph moved to sit on the couch. His body was rigid, his brain tormented and his heart…well, it was shattered. “You really think there’s anything you could say to me right now that would make me feel better? I’m a sick bastard and I don’t deserve Clarisse’s love, much less her body and affection.”

The doctor smiled gently, “Not today, no. But I do hope you’ll hear my words in earnest and let them slowly go to work on your guilt. But before I give you those words, let me ask you a question.”

“Not sure what more you could ask…”

“Besides yourself, did any of the other men take advantage of Clarisse’s body?”

Joseph held his hand over his mouth, the effort not to lose his breakfast becoming too great. In vivid detail, he could see Rich’s body moving in and out of Clarisse, the lewd look of satisfaction on his fleshy face. Then there was Lester…the liberties he took with her body, were one thing. The games he played with her mind, those were worse. Lester not only physically raped Clarisse, but psychologically as well. “Yes, at least two of them…maybe all three. There were things that took place in another room, things she wouldn’t tell me about.”

Images of Clarisse’s inner thighs marked with unrecognizable scarring and bruising filled the doctor’s mind. He nodded in response to Joseph’s comment. He wasn’t sure even he could get Clarisse to talk about what happened in that room. “Do you think if knowing the violation had to occur, that she would choose you over the other men?”

“She wouldn’t choose…no one would ever choose such a violation.” Anger replaced the other emotions.

“Joseph. Listen to the question, because it reflects her reality. She knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she was going to be violated. Given that situation, don’t you think she preferred you be the one her body was taken by?”

Unable and unwilling to let go of his self-hatred for the moment, he answered. “You’d have to ask her that.”

“I will, I assure you. For your healing, though, I need you to tell me what you think her choice would be.  If the situations were reversed and someone was going to take liberties with your body, would you rather it be her?”

Joseph’s eyes closed as he remembered her beautiful blue eyes looking up at him from her kneeling position on the floor when she was forced to return the violation by pleasuring him while others watched. She’d been given a choice that day. She could kneel before him or Lester had offered up his body as an alternative. Clarisse had a choice. She’d chosen him. Remembering how her hands felt on his flesh…her mouth… “Yes. It’s always been her.”

“Do you think she would choose you?”

“Yes, but…”

“But, you feel guilty that your body experienced pleasure.”

Damn this man could see right through him. He definitely hadn’t missed his calling in life. “Yes, dammit. I couldn’t help but see the fantasy in my brain and tried to imagine her and I there, alone in a candle-lit bedroom, making love – losing control together. My mind couldn’t just turn that off, even though I knew this situation was the exactly the opposite of what I wanted.”

“Biology.”

“What?"

“Our bodies are biological in nature and, often times, do things that are beyond our control. You must find a way for your heart to forgive your body for doing what it was programmed by nature to do.”

Joseph shook his head, “Even if I eventually can find a way to forgive myself, how could she forgive me?  No, the best thing for me to do is tender my resignation and move on.  Give her a chance to heal properly, both physically and emotionally, without a constant reminder of what happened each day.”

Thinking of Clarisse’s reaction to his touch earlier, he added. “I can’t protect her if my touch makes her recoil and avoid me. Imagine the public relations nightmare if I ever had to knock her to the ground and cover her body with mine to protect her from an attack.  The screams from my touch would be worse than a bullet piercing her skin, I’m sure.”

"You really think that is the answer?  Running away from the problems?  Running away from her? This happened to both of you together…do you believe you can solve them apart?" 

"I don't know, but this is the best I can offer her at the moment. I couldn't protect her from them but I can at least subtract myself from the equation making her life a bit more bearable now." Leaving her was the last thing he wanted to do and was certain it would kill him…but his life for hers, that was always the deal.           

"Joseph before you make a hasty decision, why don't we invite Clarisse to join us next week?"

The blood drained from Joseph's face as his mouth filled with cotton at the thought of the two of them talking about that weekend in each other’s presence.

"We can ask her how she feels about you leaving and try to start the healing process together. I’ve heard enough from your individual sessions to know this can only be fixed by bringing the two of you together.  Besides, her answers may surprise you." 

Joseph shrugged as he reached for the small glass of water on the table taking a large drink.  "I highly doubt she will agree, but if she does then I’ll promise at least one joint session before I give my resignation.  But only one." 

"I'll extend the invitation and hopefully we can arrange a mutually convenient time for all of us to get together." Dr. Weston offered.

Joseph looked away, lost in a world of thought. “As you wish.”

^^C/J^^


	7. Losing It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life in the palace struggles to return to normal and Clarisse struggles with "losing" it and finding her way back to Joseph.

  ** _Chapter Seven: Losing It_**

 

**_Sunday, November 16_ **

****

 

“Thank you for giving up some of your free time on Sunday to have brunch with me. I feel it’s important we are all on the same page to ensure the business of the crown is fully attended to while Joseph and I continue to make our recovery.” Clarisse offered a tentative smile before taking her seat, followed by Joseph, Charlotte and Scott.

 

Charlotte nodded. “It’s no problem, we all want to help. I think we’re in agreement at this point in time, keeping up appearances is the most important.”

 

Shades chimed in. “Exactly, we don’t want anyone on the outside to suspect anything has happened other than the illness story shared with the public.”

 

Joseph’s mouth was set firm. He knew they were all right in their thinking, but he hated they just couldn’t get back to normal. His tone was harsher than he intended. “Suggestions?”

 

The women recoiled slightly at his tone, but Shades held his ground. He understood where his boss was coming from. “The Queen has been cleared for light duty so she can resume her meetings with Parliament and audiences with the people.  Both Joseph and I normally are in attendance at the public events so if things go wrong for whatever reason, I’ll back him up and take point.”

 

Clarisse sipped her tea for a moment letting the idea settle with everyone at the table. “Joseph?”

 

He shrugged. “I don’t like not being cleared for duty, but until I am…it’s a good plan.”

 

Charlotte continued, her statement directed at Clarisse. “Sebastian and I will continue to handle the lion’s share of the paperwork to allow you plenty of time to rest and I’ll keep your appointments to only the essential ones.”

 

The main order of business settled, Clarisse tried to set a good example by eating the wonderful food the Chef had prepared. Joseph’s presence unnerved her and his unhappiness at their situation made it hard to find any sense of peace. It was no secret to anyone in the castle that when the Queen and her Head of Security were not in sync, nothing ran as smoothly as it should.  She’d have to find a way…and soon…to work past this.  Unfortunately, she had no idea how that would be accomplished.

 

Even Charlotte and Shades were subdued. As the two closest to them, they had been affected the greater than the rest of the staff. She set her fork down and cleared her throat. “I want to thank both of you, Charlotte and Scott, for all that you’ve done for me and for Joseph.  I…we…know this hasn’t been easy on you either and there will never be anything I could do to repay you for well…for everything.”

 

The tears threatened and she knew she needed to leave before she violated another of her private rules—No crying in front of others. God knows she’d done that enough over the past month. It was time to somehow move forward and get back to some semblance of normal. She stood, leaving most of her food on her plate. “If you’ll excuse me.”

 

Her absence left a big gap at the table. Joseph put his fork down, no longer hungry either. “She said it better than I ever could, but she’s right. We both owe you our lives and that’s a debt we can never repay. And now you’re having to babysit us…or at least me.” He turned to Shades. “Should a threat arise to her while I’m pretending to be on duty, your job is to cover her. I’ll go after any assailants or threat.”

 

“Boss…” Shades started to protest.

 

Joseph raised his hand to stop him. “She can’t stand being touched by me and I won’t traumatize her further during an attack by doing so. Whatever the threat is, I will pursue. Do you understand?”

 

He could see the turmoil in his protégé, wanting to argue with him. Shades was technically in charge at the moment and, until a joint session could be scheduled for he and Clarisse, Joseph wasn’t even sure he’d be staying at the palace. Until then, though, they’d carry on with their current status quo. He leveled a direct glare at the young man. “Tell me you understand.”

 

Shades relented with a nod. “Yes, sir. I’ll cover the Eagle should the need arise.”

 

Joseph nodded and left the remaining two at the table. Charlotte poked her food around and finally offered, “Well that went about as well as expected.”

 

Shades reached over and grabbed her hand and squeezed. “They’ll find their way. We just have to be patient.”

 

Charlotte set her fork down, no longer hungry either. “I hope you’re right.” She looked him in the eye. “I pray you’re right.”

 

^^C/J^^

 

**Tuesday, November 18**

“I apologize for my tardiness, Your Majesty. I was unavoidably delayed. Please forgive me.”  Dr. Weston hastily made his way into the office.

 

Clarisse nodded. She’d seen Charlotte wiping her eyes as they’d both left the office. She’d wanted to comfort her, to try to help her deal with everything going on; but truthfully, she was barely holding herself together right now. Dr. Weston had been on his way, coming from another direction when he stopped to speak with her.  “Yes, poor Charlotte is still traumatized over the events that took place as well.”  She paused for a moment, “Doctor, please, you promised when we’re in private to call me by my name. I need to leave the queen outside these doors. You understand, right?”

He inclined his head, “I’m sorry. Sometimes it takes me a moment to make the transition. I want you to know I’m pleased with the progress you’re making with healing on the physical side.  We really need to start focusing on the emotional and mental aspects of your recovery.”

“I understand.”  She didn’t like it, but she understood the necessity.

“I'd first like to ask how you’re feeling emotionally. Still having nightmares?”

Clarisse suppressed a shudder, remembering those first days when the nightmares were the worst. Guilt surrounded her as she thought of dear Charlotte, holding her hand—crying with her—reassuring her that the nightmare was over. “Yes, I'm still having nightmares when I'm actually able to sleep. The nights are horrible and the days… There are some days I'm fine, but most days are difficult to get through. I can hardly stomach anyone touching me. While I’ve not been known for being overly affectionate, I miss the small measure of comfort human touch brought me.” She left out specifically how much she missed Joseph’s touch.

Dr. Weston didn’t say anything, so she continued. “The fact that my head of security and I have been avoiding one another isn’t good. Not for us. Not for the staff. I want to see him but I have no idea what to say. Initially, it was easier—when he was still in bed fighting for his life. But now that he’s moving around the palace and seems to be returning somewhat to normal, I find myself at a loss to know what to say, what to do…how to react.” Her thoughts travelled back to the feel of his arms around her when they’d bumped into each other in the passageway. _I must find a way past this darkness…_

Dr. Weston paused a few moments before he spoke. “The dislike of being touched after such a traumatic experience is very normal. Once we talk a little more about what happened, we'll devise a plan of action to help you overcome your anxiety. This also means working with Joseph to restore your relationship back to an acceptable level.”

She stood and, Dr. Weston noted, made her way to the same bookshelf Joseph had stood by in an earlier session. Her eyes were focused on the same title as well, “The Art of War.” Her wringing hands the only outward sign of the level of distress she was enduring. Eventually, he’d need her to break down so they could work on building her back up. But he knew his Queen and she was nowhere ready to release that kind of control again. “Tell me specifically about the unwelcome touching. Who did it? What did they do? You can focus more on what you felt rather than specific details if you're more comfortable with that right now.”

Her gaze remained on the book, unfocused and avoiding. He prompted her further. “I know this is difficult, but it is a critical part of the healing process.”

After several moments, she finally spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. “Richard was the first.”

“This was the man who was out for revenge on Joseph, right?”

“Yes, I believe so. I can’t even begin to describe the humiliation I felt as they cut away my clothing, revealing my body to their lewd glares and to Joseph. I actually thought I might become physically ill.”

He honed in on an important part of her statement. “You singled Joseph out from the other men. Did it bother you more for him to see you like that?”

“I suppose it did. I knew that after this ordeal was over I would never have to see those men again but Joseph was…is different.”

“That's a fair assessment. Joseph means something to you while the other men didn't. So Richard was the first to bring on the unwelcome touch. Did anyone else touch you against your will?”

Her hands stopped moving, the grip she maintained turning her fingers white. “All of them did. All the men touched me.” Her eyes found his, “And you already know that includes Joseph.”

Dr. Weston nodded. He remembered her sick bed confession about Joseph being forced on her. “From all of those experiences, which one troubles you the most?”

Her eyes found his, the pain evident deep within the blue spheres. “Honestly, Joseph's touch…”

Now they were getting somewhere. “Can you explain?”

She could, but feared what being honest might reveal about herself. “It’s not what you think.”

He smiled gently. “I try very hard not to put my own thoughts or assumptions into my patient’s heads or answers.” He thought back to his sharing with Joseph that he fantasized about his wife in order to prompt him to open up. Man to man was much easier.

Clarisse closed her eyes, trying to remember the time she and Joseph were together – not the circumstances, only the fact it was his hands, his mouth…his body. She squeezed her eyes tighter, willing her body back into submission. “Joseph has always been different. We have—had a connection I can’t explain. With the others, I could disconnect my mind from what was happening to my body. With Joseph, that connection wouldn’t allow me to make the separation. And,” her face turned scarlet as she confessed out loud for the first time her innermost thoughts. “Perhaps a part of me didn’t want to escape from his touch.”

“A very normal reaction for someone you care very deeply for.”  He wouldn’t use the word love until she did, though he’d seen enough to know in his heart these two loved each other more than most people who’d been married for many years.

The blush deepened. “I didn’t want an audience though. It made the whole ordeal sordid and perverted. Despite everything he was doing and the gentleness he was doing it with, doesn’t change the fact we were basically forced to perform – like we were circus animals. They used our relationship against us and, in doing so, stole first times and moments from us we can never get back.”

“So his touch was worse because of the future you feel it stole away from you?”

“Yes. Whatever we might have had is gone now. He can't even look at me, not that I blame him.”

“We can discuss Joseph's motives and reasons soon. For now, let's assume that he's wrestling with his own guilt and nightmares until he shares differently. Does that sound fair?”

She resumed her focus on the spine of the book. All this was doing was making things worse. Reliving the details ensured there would be no sleep tonight. There had to be something she could do. She was expected to return to her full workload in another week or so. While she might be able to get by on very little, some sleep was required.

“So the nightmares - tell me about them. Who is in them? What's happening?”

She sighed. It was bad enough they plagued her when she was supposed to be resting; now she was forced to relive them during the day. “They are different each time, but the end result is always the same. They start off with one of the men taking advantage of my body. After they finish either Joseph or I am beaten with the implement of their choosing. The dreams aren't exactly like the hell we endured. Most of the time, my dreams twist the details. Last night it was Joseph who was choking me. I woke up sweating. It’s disturbing the way my mind is changing things around.”

Dr. Weston considered everything she’d told him thus far. “I think we need to bring Joseph in sooner than I originally planned as he seems to be at the root of where the healing needs to take place. How do you feel about that?” He also knew Joseph needed to be near Clarisse again and learn from her how devastated she would be if he chose to leave.

“I'm not sure I want to relive this with him again.”

The moment of truth was upon them. “Do you wish for a future relationship with him? Either professional or personal?”

“You’re asking me to relive the worst forty eight hours of my life and share my feelings about that with him sitting not even five feet away. I wasn’t very good expressing my feelings before all of this happened.”

Dr. Weston pressed. “Do you want a relationship with him?”

She exhaled forcefully. “Of course I do, but what if he isn't interested in a relationship with me?”

“As difficult as sharing with him in the room will be, if you want a future with him, whether as your head of security, a friend or perhaps even more than a friend, this is a necessary step and part of the healing process. If that should be the case, him not being interested, then you and I will learn that together and deal with it then. Not knowing would be far worse, wouldn't you agree?”

Truthfully…she wasn’t sure. “I suppose you have a point.”

“So I'm going to set a joint session with the two of you so we can begin working on restoring your relationship. In the time we have left, I want to focus on the events that took place. You mentioned the unwelcome touching being a big part of what bothered and still bothers you. Is there anything else that transpired in those few days that still haunts you that you'd like to talk about?”

“Everything about those few days haunts me. I know I keep referring back to Joseph but despite everything we lost in those days, his presence saved me. I wouldn’t be sitting here now, if it weren’t for him. The words he whispered and the apologies offered lingered in my head. They were my salvation in my hell. What troubled me the most, though, about those days was the not knowing. We never knew what sick game they would play with us next. It kept me on edge and unnerved.”

“Such as?” He prompted.

She moved back to the couch, melting into the cushions and hugging her body, a defensive gesture to the scenes running through her mind. “Cold water.”

This was something new. Water wouldn’t leave physical scars normally – ones he would treat. So this dealt specifically with a psychological ordeal. “Tell me what happened.”

Clarisse shook her head, not wanting to relive that time.

“Please, Clarisse. The only way you’re going to overcome this is by facing the fear and dealing with the emotions.”

“I understand, but I’m not prepared to discuss it today.”

“Clarisse…?”

“No.” Her voice was firm and set. Dr. Weston knew it was pointless to push her on this right now.

“Several of the things you've mentioned, the unwelcome touching, not knowing what was going to happen next, even cold water. Without even knowing what happened, I think I see a common thread here. What bothered you on the deepest level perhaps was your inability to control the situation. As queen, you're expected to hold it all together - to direct everyone - to find a solution - to always be in control right? Yet, in this situation - your control was significantly reduced, almost non-existent. I'd like you to talk about how that made you feel.”

Clarisse was tired of talking about her feelings. She hadn’t spoken so much about how she felt since the last time she’d been forced to see a therapist after Philippe’s death. “My granddaughter can tell you I have a saying that queens do not lose it but rather they find it. I tried to hold it together. I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me "lose it" but I soon found out that there were consequences to not losing it. The humiliation I felt when my body responded naturally to Joseph’s touch sickened me. The control I rely on desperately to help me through the day betrayed me when I needed it the most.”

Dr. Weston wanted to reassure her. “These were extreme circumstances that would test any person's resolve. While I certainly understanding not wanting to "lose" it, I also hope you understand that no person, no matter how strong, could be expected to hold it together under that situation for any extended time.”

Her voice filled with self-loathing. “I didn't even make it past the first few hours. All of my self-control vanished the moment Joseph was ordered to touch me. My losing it provided them with information to use in their sick game. Lester could see right through us and knew there was something more there…something he could use for entertainment.” _I think I’m going to be sick. I need this to be over…now!_

“And you feel guilty about that…for giving them more ammunition to use against the two of you or for sharing more than a working relationship with Joseph?”

“The information they so easily obtained from me was used against us. They humiliated me and shamed Joseph. Lester quickly figured out my coping mechanism and used that to his benefit. It’s important you understand I'm not ashamed of my relationship with Joseph. I would gladly share how special he is to me with all of Genovia, but you and I both know that isn’t possible given our roles in life.”

“I’m glad we've established that. It will be important in our joint sessions. I do understand the unique position you’re in and why you must keep your feelings on that matter private for now. You know, of course, your secrets are safe with me.” He paused, letting the truth of his words sink in. After a moment, he continued. “Let's talk for a moment about Lester. What do you see as his role in all of this? If Richard's motivation was revenge against Joseph for is testimony at Rich’s trial, why were Lester and the other man involved?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Lester controlled Jason. He’d taken Jason in when he was a young boy and provided some semblance of home, twisted as it was. I honestly believe Jason was just as afraid of Lester as I was but for entirely different reasons. As to motive, Lester mentioned one time he approached Rupert and offered to train me in the bedroom…whatever in the hell that means. Rupert, thankfully, had him thrown off palace grounds. I assume he was out for revenge as well.”

And there was the key. “So Lester loved control as much as you do, it seems...would that be a fair assessment?”

Clarisse stood, red coloring her cheeks, her voice escalating. “Are you trying to compare me to that monster? I HAVE to be in control it's my duty to this country! He was a monster who used his power to manipulate people. To destroy lives. MY life!”

Dr. Weston kept his voice calm and soothing. “I'm not attempting any comparisons, Clarisse, simply suggesting that control, whether for good or bad reasons, were prime goals for both of you.”

Her blood still boiled from the audacity of his previous question. “Yes, I suppose you could say both Lester and I have to be in control."

A small breakthrough. “Thank you, Clarisse. I know that wasn't easy to admit. So, in the struggle for control, between the two of you, how do you feel about both your efforts and your success or failure?”

How could he be asking such a ridiculous question? “My efforts failed. Those multiple failures only fueled Lester's control and ego. He took the information and used it against Joseph. So my failure consequently hurt Joseph. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for that. I would love to say that in the end Lester failed but until we beat this, he continues to win.”

“I find it interesting you feel that way since Lester ultimately lost the game he was playing as he is no longer here to participate any more. You, on the other hand, are.”

“Lester may not be here physically, but he is still in my head.”

“I would suggest the battle for control you fight now is not against Lester or even Rich, but rather yourself. You feel guilty about losing a no-win situation. What would have been a preferable outcome to the situation you were faced with?”

“Other than not being kidnapped and tortured in the first place? If I had to be…violated, I always preferred it to be Joseph over them. Even if by him doing so I knew we were destroying our relationship.”

“Obviously, I can’t speak for Joseph but I believe you may be premature in believing your future with him is ruined. You both are strong individuals with strong wills. If you want to overcome this and find your way back to each other, I believe you can.”

Clarisse’s head lowered, avoiding eye contact. “I want to. I have no idea where to start.”

“Let me worry about that. I promise to be with you both each step of the way. It won't be easy, but if you want it, we can find a way to achieve that goal.”

His words prompted her to raise her head, an unnamed emotion flashed in the blue depths. “I do want to overcome this. Normally when I'm hurting, he is the person I turn to. My heart aches for him. I have stood outside his door many times but each time I bring my hand to knock, my nerves freeze up remembering the horror of our experience. I leave as I can't bear to see the pain and sorrow reflected in his eyes. I’ve only been able to muster up the courage that one time I mentioned before and that was because he was sedated.”

“Wanting to overcome it is an important first step. Believing you can is the next.”

Her head shook sadly. “Believing is the easy part this time, the actual overcoming is a different story.”

Dr. Weston moved from his chair to sit beside her on the couch, careful not to touch her or be too close to trigger an adverse reaction. “I also believe there's a saying that anything worth having is worth fighting for. You fight on a regular basis to keep the throne of Genovia from those who desire to take it from you because you know it is what's best for the country. If you believe Joseph is the best thing for you personally, than I suggest he's worth the fight it will take to overcome. Don't you?”

“Of course he is worth fighting for. I honestly believe Joseph is my soul mate. But my heart fears the emotional toll it would take on me to fight a losing battle. I've had all those special first moments with him ruined. How can I fight for something that has no chance? My heart would never recover.”

“Then we will speak with Joseph soon and see if he's willing to fight as well. Until then, you must focus on the positive. Agreed?”

"Agreed." Her eyes closed, the pain in her chest at the thought of losing this fight bringing about an overwhelming sadness from which she would never recover.

“As for first times, the heart and mind are powerful tools, perhaps they can agree on a solution to this. At the end of the day, though, whether it's your first time together or your fiftieth, it's the together part that counts the most. Try to remember that, my friend.”

“I hope you are right, and I shall try to remain positive until I have a reason not to be.” _Until I can no longer be._

His confident smile filled the room with warmth and, perhaps, even a little slipped into her desolate heart. “There's the woman I know.”

Clarisse sighed. She wished she could find the woman within herself – the one she used to know before she lost it for good.

^^C/J^^


	8. The Blame Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarisse and Joseph are finally together in a therapy session. Can they resolve the issue of blame and get to the heart of the matter...who is really to blame and can they find their way back to each other again?

**_Chapter Eight: The Blame Game_ **

 

**_November 28 (6 weeks after abduction)_ **

**_Joint Therapy Session_ **

Arriving outside the doctor's office at precisely the same time, Clarisse smiled warmly at Joseph. She desperately wanted to start things off on a positive note. "Good morning." 

Holding the door open for her, he simply bowed his head. "Good morning ma'am." 

The butterflies that had taken flight only mere moments ago began to die.  _So this is how it's going to be, ma'am._ Releasing a sigh, she claimed her usual spot on the far end of the couch. She could feel the dip of the cushions as Joseph took his position at the opposite end.

Dr. Weston studied the two as they both sat as far apart as possible, both clinging to their coping techniques:  Joseph focusing on the bookshelf across the room and Clarisse hugging her favorite pillow as she studied the weave of the fabric on her skirt. He inhaled and exhaled slowly. This session was going to be critically important to their healing and perhaps the most difficult one either of them had faced yet.

"As you know I’ve been meeting privately with you both for several weeks now and we’ve come to the point where, if either of you are to move forward in your healing, it must be accomplished together. That being said, I need to make sure both parties are willing to participate in these sessions along with any homework I might assign outside this office." 

Clarisse’s attention jumped from her clothing to Dr. Weston. "Why wouldn't we both be willing? I thought my showing up here today indicated my consent."

He noted the confused and slightly alarmed look resting over her features. Holding her eyes for a moment, he then slowly switched his gaze to Joseph. She was adept at reading people and would understand his question was directed more toward Joseph than at her.    

"Joseph, would you like to explain or shall I?" Seeing no change in Joseph's body language, he forged ahead. "In our last session, Joseph mentioned retiring and leaving the palace." 

Panic spread like hot lava, filling every limb in her body. Her chest became tight and tears threatened when her greatest fear in life became a potential reality. _Joseph is leaving me…._

Not wanting to drop into a total state of despair, she swallowed the lump in her throat and turned her gaze to the man sitting at the opposite side of the couch.  She needed to hear him say the words to her. "Joseph, is it true?” 

Joseph remained ridged and unmoved, a statue incapable of realizing the hold he currently had over her heart, her life…her happiness. _I cannot let go without a fight. I need him… I love him._

With unsteady movements, she bridged some of the distance between them placing a tentative hand on his shoulder. "Joseph, please look at me and tell me this isn't true."

His continued lack of movement or even a turn in her direction ripped at the fabric of her heart, weighting her limbs and making her unable to maintain contact.  Her hand slid down his arm to rest on the cushion that separated them. She lowered her head, trying to remember to breathe and why that was even important at this moment. Somewhere, somehow…she’d need to find the strength to face life without him.

**

The heat from her hand seared his skin. _Why is she touching me when just the other day she practically ran from my presence?  Is it possible she still cares about me?_   A few errant tears slipped from his tightly held control. Finally, he turned to look at her. Her bowed head and clenched hands stabbed at his heart. What had he done?

He had to explain, make her understand. It was because he loved her as much as he did that he was willing to walk away. “I...I thought you would be better off without me." The words escaped in a painful breath.

"Better off?" Her face turned to look at him and he watched the pool of tears break free and slide down her cheek. The vise grip around his heart tightened as she fought for breath, the pain he was causing her evident in every movement of her body. "You promised me four years ago, the night Rupert died, you would never leave me alone. How can you break your promise to me? That’s not the man I know." 

"I also promised I would never hurt you." His voice barely registered above a whisper as he stared at her hand only inches from his.  

She shook her head slowly. "You have never broken a promise to me and your wanting to leave is the only thing hurting me." Despite the onslaught of emotions, her voice was surprisingly steady. 

Joseph's anger at himself, the other men, the situation they were placed in boiled to surface. Needing to distance himself from her, he stood rapidly and began pacing the floor.  He caught Clarisse looking to Dr. Weston, but a subtle shake of his head kept her quiet. They were both waiting for him to answer, to explain. 

_You have to calm down. She is a reasonable woman. Once she understands why, she will probably pack my bags for me._ He inhaled a deep breath and stopped pacing in an effort to calm his heart rate and allow him to focus. She was only trying to protect his feelings by saying he’d never hurt her. Unable to look at her, he instead ran his finger along the book shelf, studying the titles as though they were the most fascinating diversion in the world. "You don't have to say that for my benefit, ma'am. I took liberties with you I know you didn't want. I know that hurt you."  

Clarisse sat up straighter the moment she heard the word ma’am again. "If it's alright with everyone, I prefer we leave formalities at the door. In here, it should just be Clarisse and Joseph." 

Dr. Weston smiled and nodded, understanding the point she was trying to make. “I agree, Clarisse. Feel free to call me Adam if you like.”

At his statement, she smiled slightly. “I appreciate the offer, but for the same reason I need to simply be Clarisse, I need you to be Dr. Weston. Our roles in here are different, must be different. Thank you for understanding." 

Having settled that detail, Clarisse turned her body and her attention back to Joseph. "When have I ever been anything but honest with you? I'm not saying this solely for your benefit. Yes, I suppose you took liberties with me. But given the choice, don’t you think that I preferred you over those vile men? Had you not been there, things would have been much worse for me. Your actions protected rather than hurt me. At least I knew when it was you, it would be gentle, kind and...loving." Her last word prompted Joseph to turn and face her.

_I have his attention, I can’t stop now. I can’t let him leave without knowing._ "Do I wish we could have progressed at our own speed? Of course I do. Do I wish we had not had an audience for so many of those precious firsts? Absolutely. But, Joseph, having you with me, comforting me, LOVING me, if only with your words and eyes, saved me that weekend. You were my strength, the reason I kept fighting, the reason I never gave up hope of being rescued. You have always been my rock.” Her emotion spent, the final words were nothing more than a mere whisper. “It's always been you."

**

Her words drilled deep into his soul, the torment in her eyes flooding his body with so many emotions, he couldn’t think straight. He only knew he had to end her suffering. “Clarisse, I can't stay here knowing I’m causing you pain. Can you understand how that destroys me on so many levels? You aren’t sleeping and the other day when we literally ran into each other in the corridor, you couldn't get away from me fast enough.  How are we supposed to work together if I can’t touch you?”

“Which is exactly why I need you to stay, Joseph. We need to work on this so we can function in our jobs again.” She moved forward on the couch, her eyes pleading with him for understanding. “Do you honestly think I want anyone else touching me? Because that's what would happen if you left. Someone would have to take your position and that person would be touching me during the course of their job. Is that what you want?”

The thought of another man’s hand on her body, even if it were Shades—even in the line of duty, made his stomach churn. No matter what, he couldn’t allow that to happen. “You know that’s not what I want.”

“Then stay. I can’t promise it will be easy, we have much to overcome. But I can promise you that my suffering will be far worse should you leave.”

He closed his eyes in resignation. She’d played the one hand she knew he couldn’t walk away from. He’d vowed to protect her life and her heart. She’d just admitted his leaving would cause her even further untold pain. He would never be able to live with himself. “I will stay.”

Clarisse breathed a sigh of relief and moved back to her original position, her hand still resting on the middle cushion.  She lowered her head as she fought to compose herself after such an emotional outpouring. “Thank you.”

Dr. Weston took the opportunity to step in. “Now that we’ve established Joseph is staying and you both are willing to work on this, I want to stress again how important it is that you are honest with each other and with me. Additionally, I need your commitment to make a good faith effort for any homework I assign you between sessions. Agreed?”

Clarisse spoke first. “Agreed.”

Joseph moved back to join Clarisse on the couch. Though he still sat on the opposite side, he allowed his hand to rest on the middle cushion, barely touching hers. The small amount of contact, from which she neither flinched nor pulled away, allowed a small sliver of peace to settle in his soul.  The distress in his eyes cleared slightly when he looked at Dr. Weston. “Agreed.”

"Then let's begin. One of the first areas I want to delve into is the matter of blame. From our individual sessions, I believe this is an area we need to address.” His attention focused on Joseph. “Do you believe Clarisse is responsible for what happened to both of you?"

Joseph’s eyes widened as his mouth gaped. "Not at all! It was my fault she was even at the beach house. I wanted to be alone with her. If I hadn’t let that desire cloud my judgement, none of this would have ever happened. I failed to protect her...from them and myself."

Clarisse’s face registered genuine shock. "Joseph, this wasn't your fault. We were outnumbered, out gunned and..."

She looked at Dr. Weston, not wanting to see Joseph’s eyes when she admitted the truth. "And, you took me to the beach house because you knew I needed some time away from everyone to grieve. If I had been stronger, the need to go away would not have been present in the first place."

Dr. Weston looked to Joseph. "Do you believe her assessment of the situation is correct? Was she responsible?"

Joseph shook his head. “She’s being strong and noble, as she always is. However, she isn’t acknowledging the whole picture. I saw her grief as a way to give her some much needed time away from the probing eye of her public, but also as a way to ensure quality time alone with her. Call it selfish, an abuse of power, whatever you choose. Ultimately, my job is her security. My belief I could handle everything was overzealous. I should have taken more men with us. I was negligent and I’m to blame, not her."

Something in his words struck a chord within Clarisse. Something that had been niggling at the back of her mind and she wasn't able bring forward until now. Then it hit her. She lifted her chin and with a full voice, she proclaimed, "We were betrayed."

At Joseph's questioning glance, she continued. "Think about it. We've gone away by ourselves many times before and never had any trouble. This time, we were gone barely more than an hour, on an unscheduled trip, when these men showed up."

She sat forward, encouraged by this revelation. _Finally, a way to fight back against the nightmare!_  "We need to find out how they knew where to find us. Whoever leaked that information, THEY are to blame for what happened...or at least starting the chain of events that led to what happened."

Realization dawned on Joseph. She was right. They weren't gone for very long but only palace staff knew they had left and where they were. "I promise you Clarisse I WILL find the person who leaked the info and they will pay.”

She nodded and offered him a small smile. "I believe you."

"Doc, I need you to clear me. Finding this person is priority one. Clarisse could still be at risk.”

The doctor looked to Clarisse. He needed her approval as she would be faced with having him near her on a regular basis.

An almost imperceptible nod, but enough. "You're cleared for light duty, Joseph."

"Thank you." He turned toward Clarisse. "And, thank you. I promise I will find this person and make sure you are safe, no matter the cost."

Feeling they were making progress, Dr. Weston smiled. "Good. While I know you both will still battle with this, I hope we can set the blame game aside enough to move forward with other issues. Do you both feel you can do that?"

“I’m willing to try.” Clarisse answered softly.

Joseph nodded his assent as well.

"Excellent, now that we have a plan of action with regards to some core issues, we need to delve a little deeper into some of the events that took place so I can best determine what direction our therapy needs to go." Dr. Weston smiled gently at them, "Let's talk about each of the men involved in this scenario. We'll begin with Rich."  He consulted his notes to refresh his memory.

"Clarisse, tell me about your impressions of Rich."

Her momentary elation over their small victory faded. Her eyes darted to the middle cushion where their hands barely touched, but the small gesture offered more comfort than she'd felt in weeks. Part of her wanted to hug the pillow on her lap tightly, the other begging her not to escape Joseph’s touch, minimal as it may be.

Rich. The man who derived such pleasure in her humiliation.

Deciding to leave her hand near Joseph, with the other, she clutched the pillow that had come to bring her comfort during the more difficult sessions. Turning her attention to the doctor, she shrugged. "I'm not sure exactly what to say. He was a vile man who apparently had a perverted need to take women against their will."

Her eyes closed as Joseph’s hand covered hers entirely, loosely holding on. It gave her the strength to continue. "And he availed himself of that need repeatedly with me." Her voice shuddered.

“He was a sick son of a bitch who enjoyed causing pain. I'm sure if it hadn't been for the fact that Lester was running the show, things would have been much worse. I have no doubts he would have killed me." Joseph interjected, his voice angry and his lips forming a thin line.

Dr. Weston nodded. "Rich wasn't running the show from everything both of you have shared with me. I think we all know Lester was the person in charge, but before we discuss him, let's move to Jason. Clarisse, tell me about your time with Jason.”

Her body went rigid. "No."

He moved forward in his chair, his face filled with concern. She clammed up every time Jason’s name was mentioned. He'd been hopeful after their progress today; she might be willing to share. “Clarisse, this is an important part of your healing.”

Her eyes blazed with ice, making him physically recoil back into his chair. He’d heard rumors of the Queen’s glare, but had never been privy to it. The intense look of…was it anger? Hatred? Fear? on her face seemed far worse than even the rumors. “I said no. Now move on or this session is over.”

Knowing he couldn’t push any more, he turned to his other patient. "Joseph, did you have any interaction with Jason other than watching him interact with Clarisse?"

Joseph forced his gaze away from Clarisse. "Not really. He didn’t seem very interested in me unless Lester was directing him to inflict punishment on me as a way of influencing Clarisse or vice versa.” He’d never forget the rage he felt the first time Jason marked Clarisse’s beautiful skin with the whip. “His only redeeming grace in my opinion was that he refused to rape Clarisse when given the chance.”

The same ice blue eyes turned to Joseph. Her voice was void of emotion, flat and distant. “There are things worse than rape. Jason was as evil as his father and that is all I have to say on the matter.”

Joseph squeezed her hand gently. "I’m so sorry I couldn’t do anything to stop him. Those times you were away from me and he…well whatever he did to you invades my nightmares. Someday, when we both are stronger, will you share so we can work through this? "

Her expression softened slightly. "Maybe someday, but not today. I'll talk about anything else you or Dr. Weston would like, but not Jason."

Squeezing her hand again, he nodded. "Alright, when you’re ready." He knew better than to push Clarisse when she was this adamant. He hadn’t seen her set this strongly on a position in a long time…if ever.

Dr. Weston sensed they were at an impasse for the moment. "Let's stop for today. First, thank you both for your honesty and sharing what you have so far. We all know this is going to get worse before it gets better, but we'll tackle it together.  Your homework between now and our next session in three days is to resume some of the small touches you utilized before. Nothing overt, just small brief touches. Little steps to start you on the road to recovery. Understood?"

He breathed a small sigh of relief when both of his patients nodded. As they stood to leave, he called out. "Oh and Joseph…Find that bastard."

He nodded solemnly. “Rest assured I will.”

As they stepped out into the hallway, Clarisse stopped and looked at Joseph. "Do you truly believe I'm still at risk?"

"I believe I'm not going to take any chances until I find the person responsible for the hell we endured."

She nodded. "Thank you and..." her gaze locked on to his. "Thank you for agreeing to stay."

Once again he fought the urge to touch her. Even though they’d just agreed to try small touches, he didn’t want to destroy the small bit of progress they’d made. Instead, he smiled softly. "My only wish is for your happiness.”

_And I will find a way to make up for this nightmare until I draw my last breath…_

^^C/J^^


	9. Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joseph keeps his promise to Clarisse and uncovers who was responsible for the nightmare they endured with disturbing results.

  ** _Chapter Nine: Betrayal_**

**_November 29_ **

Joseph sat in silence taking in the quiet buzz of the security hub at night. He’d missed the sounds and smells of his domain, his territory and his peace. Being cleared for duty had been an important move, psychologically, for him to find his way back to some semblance of normal.  His relationship with Clarisse was far from where it had been and, to be honest, he wasn’t sure how long that trip back would take.  _If we can make it at all._

The first step on that path had taken place during their first joint session, both painful and healing. The brief touch they’d shared with their hands and the words spoken gave him hope. Before they could nurture that hope, though, he needed to find out who was responsible for the leak at the palace. 

He didn’t want to believe that anyone in the employ of the Royal family could betray them on such a deep and frightening level… but someone had. Someone had in a devastating manner. It was his job to find out whom.

Time to get to work. 

Two hours later, the fatigue settled deep in his bones and a headache prominent in his brain. No one seemed to jump out as a potential suspect. Frustrated at his failure…again, he leaned back in his chair stretching his legs and tried to clear his mind. A few moments later, he heard a hesitant knock on the door. “Come.”

He looked up to see Lionel pushing open the door and stepping in quietly, two cups of coffee and a file folder balanced carefully in his grasp. ““Lionel? Is everything alright?” His brain cleared enough to remember the young man was supposed to be guarding the Queen. His tone came out harsher than he intended, fear for her safety paramount in his thoughts. He stood, prepared to make his way straight to Clarisse’s quarters.  “I thought you were standing guard outside the Queen's chambers tonight?”

“Everything is fine, sir. Please, sit. I'm on break.  Felix is standing guard. I thought you might like a cup of coffee.” Sitting the two cups down on the desk, he grabbed the chair from Shades’ desk and moved it alongside Joseph’s.  “How’s the search coming, Boss?"

"It isn’t, but I still want to review the files you’ve been looking at as well." Joseph tried to keep the frustration out of his voice, but wasn’t certain he succeeded.

"I think I might have found something that can help."  Lionel leaned forward in his chair.

Raising his brow, Joseph sat up straight in his chair eager to hear what the young man had uncovered. He was annoying, but when it came to background checks, he’d never met anyone more thorough. 

"Ever since you and the Queen returned to the palace, I’ve been looking over the files of people hired in the last six months. At first, I couldn’t find anything—nothing that stood out anyway. But then an address on one of the files caught my eye.”

The young man definitely had his attention now. “Go on.”

“One of the newer maids, Lydia.  A check of her prior addresses revealed a match with one of the last known addresses for Lester and Jason. I just received the confirmation before my break and I wanted to let you know right away.” 

"Let me see that!" Joseph snatched the file from the desk. "Sonofabitch! Where is she now?"

"Sleeping. Her shift starts at five in the morning so we have a couple hours before she wakes up." 

"Good. Call Shades and tell him to meet me along with his team here in the hub in one hour. Until then, not a word to anyone. If Shades asks, tell him it’s a high level security matter and I’ve requested his presence. End of story. No more, no less. Am I clear?" Joseph was already at the door, anxious to be on his way to Clarisse’s room, but wanted to make sure the young man understood. 

"Crystal clear, sir." 

Before Joseph even left the room, Lionel was dialing the phone to Shades’ room. He knew the second in command was not going to be happy about being roused in the middle of the night, but Lionel had Joseph on his side and that was good enough for him.

^^C/J^^ 

A loud knock on her main door startled Clarisse tripling her heart rate and causing her to drop the book she’d been reading. A quick glance at the clock showed three in the morning. She knew of only two people who would brave waking her at this time…not that she’d been asleep _._  

Making her way quickly to the door, Joseph’s words about the potential danger still being present gave her more than usual cause for concern in her own suite. "Who..." She cleared her throat, "Who is it?"

"It's me...Joseph." 

"Joseph? Give me a minute." Rushing back into her bedroom, she grabbed the trousers and blouse laid out for her to wear tomorrow. Raking her fingers through her hair as she passed the mirror, she fought to control her breathing and her heart rate.  Why would Joseph be coming to her suite in the middle of the night? She opened the door. "Come in. Is everything alright?" From the crease in his brows, which only appeared when he was worried about something, she knew the answer even as she asked the question.

"I think we may have found the mole."

"Who?" 

"Lydia. A maid who started at the palace a few months ago."

"What makes you suspect her?" Clarisse wasn’t sure if she felt relieved or nervous that the person who might have betrayed them had been living under their noses for several months now.

"She shared an address with Lester and Jason for a period of time. I’ll still need to question her, but she’s our prime suspect.” His eyes found hers. “We both know how…persuasive he could be.” 

"Living with Lester?"  A shudder ran through her body as she vividly recalled how manipulative Lester could be. Had this woman been “persuaded” with extraordinary means to betray her Queen? Or, had she been a willing participant eager to please her lover? "Why didn't we know about this previously?"

"Because Lester wasn't a known threat at the time of her hiring and she cleared all initial background checks. Shades is getting his team together and we’re going to pull her in for questioning in about forty-five minutes. I wanted to let you know first, though. "

"Thank you for keeping me informed." 

"I need to go. Felix and Lionel will both be outside your door should you need anything.” He fought the urge to touch her, despite an overwhelming need to do so. Instead, he turned and made his way out of the room, eager to put the unpleasantness of at least this part of the nightmare behind them. As he opened the door, she was standing right behind him. "Going somewhere?"

"I'm coming with you. I have questions and I want answers."

"Clarisse, I'm not sure that's the best idea. I would feel much better if you stayed here and allowed my men to stand guard." 

She knew he was trying to protect her, but she needed this closure. She squared her shoulders and mustered a confident voice. "I'm coming."  Her eyes challenged him to pull rank.

Joseph sighed, he knew that look and that voice. "As you wish.” He held the door open and he and his men followed closely behind her as she walked with purpose to the security hub.

^^C/J^^

After a quick briefing with his men, Joseph stood at the back of the group now surrounding Lydia’s door. Clarisse stood near him, close but not touching. He could feel her nervousness, though she tried very hard to hide it. 

Shades slipped the master key into the lock and pushed the door open to allow the newest member of their team, a female guard named Victoria, to enter first. Protocol required a female guard present when arresting a female.  Joseph and Clarisse watched in silence as Victoria emerged from Lydia’s room with the maid. Her eyes, as blue as Clarisse’s, gave away nothing. Joseph blinked twice but held his tongue as Victoria also clenched in her other hand the long black wig Lydia had apparently been wearing to deceive them from the first time they were introduced to her. Her real hair, short and blonde, still mussed from sleep, fell partially across her face. The glare she gave Clarisse sent a fresh wave of chills down the Queen’s spine.

Joseph’s voice broke the silence. “Take her to the hub. I’ll be there in a moment.”

As Lydia was escorted away, Joseph’s eyes found Clarisse’s.  “Still think you should be there for the questioning?”

Clarisse’s features paled as though she’d seen a ghost. “Joseph, am I the only one who noticed…”

He sighed, he’d noticed too.  “She looks remarkably like you, fifteen years ago.”  

^^C/J^^

Despite his misgivings, Clarisse had insisted on being there for the questioning.  He positioned a chair next to the door for her and she was flanked by Lionel and Felix. He wasn’t taking any chances that this eventuality might be a part of Lester’s sick and twisted plan.

“Do you understand why you’ve been brought in for questioning, Lydia?” Joseph fought to keep the patience in his voice and his tone even.

Her eyes focused past him and remained fixed on Clarisse. “I do.”

Joseph was surprised at her admission. “Why don’t you tell me then?”

Lydia leaned back in the chair and crossed her legs, revealing a fair amount of flesh since she’d been left in the nightgown she slept in.  Her gaze never left Clarisse’s. “I was specifically chosen. Did you know that?”

“Chosen for what?” Joseph fought the urge to dispense of what little food he’d consumed this day.

“To please him.”

“Him?” Joseph was certain he knew who she referred to, but it was important to get the details down for the record.

She smiled, an odd cross between affection and evil. “Lester. He selected and brought me to his home. There, I learned to serve him. After my initial training period, he called me by only one name.”

Joseph swallowed hard, the soup battling to make the return trip. The level of depravity surged beyond comprehension. “What name was that?”

“Clarisse.”

All of the revulsion, the fear, the nightmare returned to Clarisse at hearing her name. She stepped forward, hastening toward the young woman. Joseph’s voice slowed her progress.  “Your Majesty…”

She turned and saw the expression on his face, silently asking her to let him handle this. Any other day, any other situation, she would acquiesce.  But not this time. She pulled a chair a few feet in front of Lydia, thankful the woman’s hands were handcuffed behind her back. “Tell me Lydia, why did he call you by my name.”

The smile transformed into a look of hatred. “He obsessed about you. From the first time he met you at a ball, he fantasized about having you in his bed—teaching you to serve him. When you weren’t available, he found me.”

“So he used you to get to me?” 

The malevolent smile returned. “I volunteered.”

Clarisse’s nerves froze in shock from the level of hate this woman felt for her. “Why? Have I harmed you in some way?”

Lydia pulled against her restraints. “Don’t be so vain to think this was about you. I wanted him to have you, play with you and then end you. Once he did, then he would be free to love only me.”

The color drained from Clarisse’s face, but she held her composure. “You _wanted_ to be with him? Do you have any idea what he did to me? To Joseph?”

Clarisse’s statement caused Lydia to sit up straighter. “Wait? He got you? But… you’re here and,” her eyes swept over Clarisse and Joseph looking for signs of abuse. “You’re not harmed. Where is he? Where is Lester?” She pulled against the restraints, her agitation clearly growing.

Clarisse wanted to laugh at the woman’s statement that she hadn’t been harmed. Lydia didn’t realize her plan had been successful. The staff who knew about that weekend had done their job and kept the secret, even to those working within the palace. “Tell me what he had planned, how you helped and then I’ll tell you where he is.”

She could feel Joseph’s gaze burning into her, but she needed/wanted to finish this. She needed to hear the motivation behind such cruel acts. Thankfully, being Queen had its privileges. Though the men were loyal to Joseph, first and foremost, they were loyal to her. They would not intervene. Only Joseph could stop her and she knew that he, too, wanted the answers.

At Clarisse’s promise, Lydia relaxed into the chair seemingly accustomed to being restrained. “I managed to get the job at the palace several months ago. I was in the habit of disguising my appearance because I got tired of everyone telling me how much I looked like you. Lester told me to maintain my disguise, keep my ears open and report back to him about your routine, your schedule and other details. I had a special cell phone I kept to text him what I learned.”

Clarisse nodded, the fact she was being spied on—unsettling, but not the heart of the issue. “Go on.”

“I was assigned to clean your office the Friday you left early. Mrs. Cowts let me know you were going to be out the rest of the afternoon so I could get in early. I was excited because that meant I could get to Lester sooner for the weekend. On my way to the supply closet, I heard some of the maids mentioning how nice it was Joseph was taking you away for the weekend to the beach house since it was the anniversary of your son’s death.”

Clarisse wanted to be angry about the maids talking, but she knew it was only out of respect for Philippe and for her grieving, they were even mentioning it in the first place. Innocent conversation twisted for perverse uses.

“Once I verified the rest of the security team was still on the palace grounds, I checked the public records to see what houses along the coast were owned by the royal family and sent the info to Lester.” She smiled widely as she continued. “He was so proud of me and promised me quality time with him as soon as he was finished.”

“Finished?” Clarisse prompted.

Lydia’s eyes narrowed. “He wanted to play with you, teach you to serve him and, when he was done, you’d be locked up with all his other used up playthings.”

The soup she’d had for dinner vaulted up her throat as the vile words from this young woman filled the room. “And Joseph?” She swallowed hard in an effort to maintain her calm…and her dinner.

“Once Rich was through messing with him and making him pay for testifying against him in that rape trial, they were going to kill him so he’d have you all to himself for a while.”

“Where are the others? The women you mentioned?” _Other women subjected to ongoing torture…dear God please let them be safe and unharmed._

Lydia shook her head, “Once he set his sights on you, he got rid of them…either released or those who wanted to stay in service, gifts to other friends of his who like to play. Now tell me where Lester is!”

Clarisse stood and pulled herself to her full, regal stance. Her eyes burned into the younger image of herself. Her voice was low and filled with an odd sense of satisfaction. “He’s exactly where he belongs, burning in hell, along with Richard and Jason. Each and every one of them shot by my security’s second in command.”

With those words, she turned and walked out, ignoring the screams and cries of the woman responsible for the nightmare she’d had to endure. Vaguely, she heard Joseph issue commands for Shades to remove Lydia from the palace. Whatever was going to happen to her next…she didn’t know and she certainly didn’t care.

**


	10. Starting Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the person responsible for their betrayal dealt with, Clarisse and Joseph try to resume a "normal" life.

**_Chapter Ten: Starting Over_ **

**_November 30_ **

Clarisse’s eyes fluttered open, not that she’d been asleep. Her eyelids irritated the bloodshot eyes they were supposed to protect. Sleep had been a complete stranger last night, not even for a brief visit. Images of Lydia with Lester—the young woman enjoying being with him—had forced her to spend what little time was left of the night emptying her already empty stomach. Even if she could move past those images, the thought of being a “plaything” of Lester’s in any long term situation sent her straight back to the bathroom.

Sheer will and determination forced her from the bed and through her morning routine. Braving a glance in the mirror, she allowed herself a small smile. Somehow, she’d managed to make herself look marginally presentable. Makeup simply had to be God’s consolation gift to women for whom He allowed no rest.

A sigh escaped. He wouldn’t be fooled though—he’d never been fooled. Joseph had always been able to see past every carefully constructed façade she’d ever built. Thankfully, he wouldn’t see her until she arrived at the office. Since the incident, he’d not been the guard walking with her to work in the morning. She expected Felix or Lionel would be waiting just outside her door to do the honors.

Standing in front of her door, she exhaled slowly and plastered a smile on her face. _Felix doesn’t need to start or end his day with a weary, unhappy queen._ Her eyes widened as they drank in the sight of Joseph, adorned all in black, a small smile on his face, leaning against the opposite wall waiting for her. Her smile morphed from forced to genuine happiness. "Joseph, I wasn't expecting to see you this morning."

He returned her smile and nodded. "I was released for duty as I recall. I see no need to change a routine that worked for us for the past few decades, do you?”

Her smile faded slightly. "But after last night…you’re certainly well within your rights to come in a little later.”

"You’re not coming in later, are you?"

_He had a point_. "Well, I’’m certain I retired before you since you had other matters to attend to." She refused to think of what dark hole Lydia might be awaiting her fate in.

"Did you sleep?" His eyes focused on her face. She could almost feel the scrutiny as he looked beyond the makeup and the façade to see her.

She shook her head slowly, the smile disappearing completely. “Perhaps tonight…” 

He extended his arm to escort. "Perhaps we both will."    
   
Silence rested heavily between them, more awkward than comfortable as before as they slowly made their way to the office.

"What's on the agenda today, Your Majesty?”  
   
Clarisse was grateful they were speaking of neutral topics, not of what they learned last night. It was too soon. They would have to at some point…Dr. Weston would make sure of that. For now, though, she welcomed the diversion of a full day of work. There was comfort in the routine. "I’m afraid nothing but paperwork. Though a Sunday, there is much work to catch up on because…well, you understand. What about you?"

He touched the hand she’d placed on his arm and smiled. "I have some paperwork, though I’m certain my stack will pale in comparison to yours. After that, I intend to enjoy my favorite part of the job."

"Your favorite part?" A slight blush colored her cheeks. 

"Watching over my queen."

She returned his smile. "I have it on good authority, she would want no one else to be responsible for such an important task." Her chest tightened slightly remembering his words that he’d be willing to walk away from her and the job if it meant her happiness and comfort.  Exhaling slowly, she thanked God, again, she’d been able to convince him otherwise. 

He nodded and gestured to her office door. “Let’s get started on our day.”   
 

^^C/J^^

Clarisse worked hard throughout the day, primarily to keep her mind preoccupied. With Joseph’s presence near the door, she was both comforted and unnerved.  Add to that the consistent lack of sleep and the events of last night and the resilient Queen of Genovia felt both her age and the pressure of life in the public’s eye.

Giving in to the very human need to relieve some stress, she removed her glasses and squeezed the bridge of her nose. She fought against the sigh of relief wanting to escape at having completed another day of paperwork. 

“Your Majesty? Is everything alright?”  Joseph’s concerned voice threaded into her conscious thought.

“Everything is fine, please sit." She motioned to the chair opposite hers as Charlotte arrived with two cups and a teapot.  "Thank you, Charlotte. You may call it quits for the day.  I’m going to finish my tea and then call it a day myself.”

Charlotte’s face held the same worried look she’d come to expect from her. Clarisse wished for the strength to help Charlotte through this emotional time, but truthfully, she was barely holding herself together.  Last night had depleted any reserves she might have been able to muster over the past few days.

“Are you sure, Your Majesty?  I don’t mind staying.”

Clarisse smiled softly. “I’m sure, Charlotte. Please get some rest. I promise to call if I need anything.”

The younger woman nodded. “You do the same” Charlotte cast one last worried look at Joseph before taking her leave.

Not wanting to give him a chance to say anything, Clarisse picked up the teapot and poured the hot liquid into their cups. “I know you don’t know the meaning of light duty any more than I do. I figured we could both use a cup of tea.” She added milk and sugar to hers, leaving his with just sugar. "How is Scott doing?" Her eyes found his. “How are you?” 

Joseph watched as she poured the tea. Sitting at tea with Clarisse hinted at the surreal. Twelve hours ago, he’d watched her question a look-alike who hated her enough to want her dead…or worse, subjected to Lester’s sick games. He stifled a shudder when he considered the same man also had every intention of allowing Rich to end his life, slowly and painfully.

Returning his focus to Clarisse, he admired her ability to carry on as though they were having a normal evening tea and talking security matters. Even though he knew it was all a front, he was willing to let her pretend.  They both needed to do that right now just to get through the days and nights. “Shades is Shades, not one to share his feelings. He’s a professional and did the job required of him."

He watched her eyes sharpen and then lower to his hands, resting on the desk. A small sliver of warmth seeped into his limbs as he remembered how wonderful it felt yesterday when their hands had touched. His heart warmed as she reached across the desk and took his hand in hers. He relished the strength and comfort even the small gesture offered.

“You promised me you would find the person responsible and you did. I appreciate you allowing me to see it through. I know you could’ve stopped me and were well within your rights to do so. Thank you for knowing how important it was for me to see her and speak to her.”

Joseph concentrated on the soft feel of her skin against his and tried to breathe. He remembered how she’d held his hand that night when she thought he was asleep, the words she’d spoken to him. He longed to return to the days when he could touch her and didn’t have to worry about what dark memories an innocent touch might arouse. “I’ve never been able to say no to you or deny you anything, especially when your eyes implore me with such intensity.” He released her hand, not wanting to dwell on his physical weakness the last time she’d held it so tightly. “Allow me to walk you to your suite?” 

She remained seated, her eyes holding his. Once again memories from that weekend, the times they’d communicated with nothing but their eyes, surfaced. Though she said nothing, her eyes told him so much. Finally, she nodded and stood, following him to the door.

“After you.” Slipping into old habits, Joseph allowed his hand to rest on Clarisse’s lower back as they walked to her suite. 

**

Clarisse wasn’t strong enough to stop the trembling building in her limbs with each step as her heart rate accelerated. The last time he’d escorted her with his hand at her back had been the short trip to the hell: The cuffs, the stained mattress…the horrors. After several steps, she stopped cold in her tracks and turned to face him. “Perhaps, you could just walk beside me tonight?  I… The last time…” He wouldn’t really make her say the words aloud would he?

Joseph held up his hand to silence her. “It’s okay. Old habits, I’m so sorry, Clarisse.” Damn, damn memories. How could he have forgotten those few steps he’d taken with her, under duress, to escort her to the place where she’d spend most of that horrific weekend? He’d done it that day to offer comfort and strength—now, the same gesture brought fear. His hand moved from her back to hover near her cheek. “May I?”

More tears fell as she inclined her head slightly to give permission. Her eyes closed at the tenderness of his touch as he wiped the tears from her face. “We will get past this, Clarisse. I promise. One step—one day at a time.”    

Her eyes opened to find his staring intently at hers, once again saying so much more than his spoken words. “One day at a time.”

^^C/J^^


	11. Captive Audience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the betrayer gone, Clarisse and Joseph must come to terms with her betrayal and refocus on their healing, both physical and emotional.
> 
> P.S. Thanks for all the kudos and comments - your words fill this writer's soul!

**_Chapter Eleven: Captive Audience_ **

**_December 3_ **

Dr. Weston knocked on the door. "Are you ready, Joseph?"

Rubbing his hands across his face, Joseph rolled his eyes and gruffed. “The sooner we start, the sooner it will be over."

The older man stepped into the examination room, his eyes clouded with a sense of worry. “Joseph, before we get started on your exam. May I ask how the search is going for the traitor?”

 

Joseph's expression softened. The doc knew the hell they’d been put through and knew it had started with betrayal within the walls of the palace. That fact alone caused concern or more levels than either of them could name. "The search is over thanks to Lionel."

 

Weston smiled. "I've liked that boy since he showed up at my door and practically dragged me to the palace to care for you two when you were first brought in. Did you get the answers from the man who betrayed you both?"

 

Joseph's lips turned up slightly as he recalled the Lionel’s enthusiasm at having found the perp. "Actually, Doc it was a she. Turns out Lydia had only been employed for a short time and could have passed as Clarisse's twin when she wasn't wearing her wig." Joseph rehashed the details of that evening with the doctor in hopes that maybe talking about it would allow him to finally put a small piece of that weekend behind him. Knowing Lydia could no longer hurt anyone and that the others responsible were six feet under gave him hope he might finally find sleep.

 

The other man sat down in the chair and shook his head slightly as he offered a bewildered smile. "A look alike and a woman. I confess I wouldn't have seen that coming. I assume she's been dealt with quietly?" He also assumed his queen would be quite troubled from all these developments. He would need to talk to her before her exam later today to make sure she was alright.

 

Joseph nodded solemnly.  “She has. The Crown will have nothing to fear from her ever again.”

Dr. Weston nodded. He didn’t want or need any further details. The knowledge that the person who set this horrible sequence of events was no longer a threat was enough for him. "Go ahead and lie down on your stomach. I'll check your back first and do the ultrasound on the kidney area."

Wincing when the doctor’s hand passed over the bruised area, Joseph reluctantly admitted. "I'm still a bit sore, but no more than you would expect. My range of motion is normal. If I move too quickly then sometimes it hurts. I suspect that will go away as the scars heal."

"Agreed, but that’s going to take time. I'm going to give you another prescription for antibiotics and some cream that you will need to apply generously to the lash marks every night. Do you have someone to help you?”

As he waited for the answer, the doctor moved the portable ultrasound over to the bed and began to prepare the machine.

Joseph inwardly sighed. Who could he ask to help?  He couldn’t reach his back, at least not all the scars. "I'll figure something out."

The cool gel smoothed over Joseph's lower back and the hum of the machine filled the silence. "If you don't feel right asking someone to help you, I can assist you before I leave the palace each evening after making my final rounds. Let’s take a look at those kidneys, shall we?  We’ll check on their healing. Any trouble going to the bathroom?"

"I appreciate the offer Doc, thank you. I can meet you here before I start my final rounds of the evening. And no, I’ve not had any trouble using the bathroom. Everything seems to be working fine."

The doc stopped and exhaled slowly. "Everything? All bodily functions operating within acceptable parameters?"

Joseph’s body tensed and he moved to sit up on the table, wrestling with the gown. "I said everything was working fine, but if you’re referring to something besides urination, then I’m not able to tell you as those thoughts and actions are about as far from my mind as possible.” He fixed a glare on the other man. “I’m sure you can imagine why."

"Relax, Joseph. I’m asking in an effort to ascertain your overall health. You took a severe beating, a beating that would've killed most men. I'm still not sure how you survived. So, please be patient as your body tries to recover. I understand it's too soon to determine everything, but as your physician, you need to let me know when the time is right. Understand?"

Joseph’s anger faded, replaced by an innate sadness. "That time may have come and gone."

Dr. Weston clasped him gently on the shoulder. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I know things are difficult between you two right now, but you must keep at it. It's important for many reasons. You have to find your footing again. Get back to some semblance of normal with your routine."

"I would love nothing more than to find a routine again. You have no idea how hard it is to work with her when I have to scrutinize every move I make. The last thing I want to do is trigger a flashback, but no matter where or for what reason I touch her, she flinches and draws away.” He held up his hands in protest. “I know, it’s not just me, it’s everyone.”

Lying back down, Joseph remained motionless while the ultrasound was finished. "Under the circumstances, I think that's very understandable. Your legendary patience is going to be tested, but I believe you'd agree with me…she's worth the effort. Start simple, talk to each other. It's the only way."

Joseph shrugged his shoulders, "Besides our sessions together, we are rarely alone. How do you propose I talk to her?"

"Well, when I was a young man seeking the attention and time of a woman, I'd ask her out on a date--invite her to dinner, a movie...something like that." He wiped the gel from Joseph’s back. "Everything looks to be healing normally and the bruising is fading in that area. Go ahead and turn over, let's check out the front."

Turning over, this time Joseph won the fight with the gown by tossing it to the ground leaving him in nothing but his boxers. "I really hate those damn things." Her returned to a prone position and allowed Dr. Weston to examine his front side. As expert fingers reviewed each bruise and cut, Joseph continued. "Do you really think we are in a place where she would be comfortable being alone with me...I mean after what happened?"

Dr. Weston pressed gently on the bruised areas, the mottling of purple, green and dark blue indicating there was still much healing to be done. "The gowns are typically more for the ladies, but I like to offer them to all patients. As for whether she will want to be alone with you or not, you won’t know until you ask."

"It would be nice to spend time with her again even if only as friends. I miss sharing with her and just spending time with Clarisse, not the Queen."

"I understand. She is a remarkable woman. You must be patient and resourceful. You both have been through a lot."

Joseph gave a knowing smile. "If there are two things that I am, it's patient and resourceful, Doc."

Having finished his examination, he extended his hand to assist Joseph up. "That's good because you're going to need both. You also need to be honest with her. I don’t want to turn this into a therapy session, but while I have you as a captive audience." He lifted Joseph’s hand toward his face to more closely examine his wrists.

"I've always been honest with her." Pulling his hand free, he added. "My wrists are fine."

Dr. Weston grabbed both hands and pulled them under the magnifying area next to the exam table. "I'll be the judge of that and I think we'd both agree that the circumstances have changed between you, making being honest a little more difficult when discussing items of an intimate nature."

"Circumstances may have changed, but I would never lie to her if she asked me a direct question, it’s part of what has made ‘us’ work so well over the years. She knows I won’t just tell her what she wants to hear."

He released Joseph's hands. "They are healing slowly, but surely. Though I'm afraid the scars may never completely fade."

"The scars will be there regardless of whether they’re visible or not. I will never forget them, nor will she." His dark blue eyes landed on the doctor’s face. “She came to me, you know. She thought I was sleeping, but I wasn’t. I was afraid she’d leave if I opened my eyes. I’ll never forget the gentle way she rubbed my wrists as she apologized to me for being glad I was with her."

Dr. Weston studied him intently. "She has been more worried for you than her own physical or emotional wellbeing. My guess is even though you haven't told her, you're glad you were there with her too, despite everything that happened."

"The hell I would have put myself through had I not been there would have been far worse than anything they could have ever done to me. If I hadn’t been there… " His body visibly shuddered. Some scenarios were too terrible to even imagine.

Doc Weston pulled up a chair and sat next to Joseph. “I know those reasons are at least, in part, the source of the underlying tension. Do you think forced intimacy with Clarisse or the psychological torture of having to watch her being violated was more difficult for you?”

Closing his eyes, Joseph took a deep breath. "When they made me watch, it was worse."

"Why was the watching more difficult for you?"

Images flashed through Joseph’s head. Images he’d tried to bury, wanting to forget how they’d violated her time and time again. "I suppose it was harder because when it was me, I would be able to protect her somewhat. They were brutal and rough with her.” His eyes darkened as the all too familiar rage and hate filled his soul, spilling out of his body. “I wanted to kill them with my bare hands for even daring to touch her. She didn’t deserve what they put her through."

He nodded. "I would expect nothing less from a man as honorable as you are. You protected her the only way you could, despite the potential personal cost it had to you and the relationship." He patted Joseph on the knee. "I know it’s difficult right now, the wounds – physical and emotional – are still too new. Give it time. Good news is, I truly believe you two can make this work. One step at a time. I have confidence, as should you."

Joseph waited for the doctor to leave before dressing again. He caught his reflection in the mirror, the myriad of colors still covering a large portion of his body. He sighed and wished he shared the Doc’s confidence, but until all hope was gone or she sent him away, he’d keep trying.

^^

Dr. Weston stepped into the room. Clarisse sat patiently, staring off into the distance. He was certain her mind was miles away from this moment in time. Whether simply in thought or wanting to separate herself from the coming exam, he understood her desire for escape. Unfortunately, he also knew her healing, both physically and emotionally, could only take place when she engaged in discussion about the events of that weekend.

 

Taking a seat across from her, he offered a warm smile. "Before we get started, Joseph informed me Lionel had secured a lead that resulted in the apprehension of the young woman responsible for betraying both of you and your location." He watched her eyes as he shared the next part. "I also understand she looked remarkably like an earlier version of you and she was doing Lester's bidding. How are you processing all of these developments in light of what happened?"

 

Clasping her hands together tighter in an effort to not wring them, Clarisse pondered his question trying to decide if she could talk around the subject without ever providing an answer. After a moment she realized he would never let her off that easy. "She did resemble me in a lot of ways; it was rather unsettling when I first saw her, especially since she’d been serving in disguise."

 

He nodded. "I'm certain it was. As I understand it, she'd been in disguise as part of her ruse to get into the palace to work. How did you feel about her willingly being with Lester? Do you think he manipulated her in the same manner in which he tried to manipulate you and Joseph or was she a willing participant out of some sense of loyalty or love for him?"

 

Closing her eyes for a moment, Clarisse recalled the conversation she had with Lydia. Finally, her chin lifted and her gaze found his. "The thought that anyone, man or woman, would want to be in the company of such a vile individual is beyond me. I think Lester manipulated her, I'm not sure the man ever had a relationship where he wasn't in complete control. He instilled fear in those around him and I'm sure over time Lydia bought into the lies and honestly believed in her heart he was the one for her. Just like Jason believed he owed Lester something for saving him from the streets, when in reality he abused the child and used him for his sick games."

 

Thinking of and speaking of Jason caused her stomach to churn. The acidity from her tormented stomach washed across the back of her tongue. Immediately her eyes closed and her hand covered her mouth. Fear of losing what little she’d managed to eat that morning threatening in a direct manner.

 

Dr. Weston gave her a few moments to regain control before continuing. "Thank you for sharing with me. You provided an interesting assessment of Lydia. As there is no opportunity to talk to her, I will defer to your perception on the matter. Lydia strikes me as a troubled young woman who perhaps relished giving over control of her out of control life. She would have no responsibility for her actions as she was simply doing what she was told or instructed to do by Lester."

 

He offered a comforting smile and a glass of water. "Should you want to talk about Lydia any further, please don't hesitate to let me know. I trust this closure will allow you to continue to move forward in your emotional healing.”

 

Clarisse nodded, “Indeed.”

 

“Shall we assess your physical healing now?"

“Truthfully, that’s the last thing I want to do right now, but I can’t see any way out if it, so I shall endure.”

"I know this is difficult for you and I promise to do everything possible to make it as brief and comfortable as possible. I’ve provided sheets to help provide some modesty, but as I need to examine both your back and front, I’m afraid a gown will be impractical. Please let me know when you are ready and I’ll re-enter the room."

 

Clarisse sighed. She dreaded this, though she knew it would happen sooner or later. Truthfully, she'd been so focused on the emotional challenges now present in her life, the physical ones had faded to the background. As she slowly removed her jacket and blouse, the scars still evident on the front of her body indicated much more healing to be done.

She wasn't even going to look at her back.

Finally, she'd managed to quell the uneasiness of her stomach enough to finish disrobing and cover herself as much as possible with the sheet, now tucked tightly under her arms. The chill of the room whispered over her bare shoulders, adding further to her distress. "I'm ready, Doctor."

Entering the room, Clarisse watched as Dr. Weston attempted to warm the stethoscope with his hands. “I apologize for the chill in the room, this part of the castle must be off of the main heating unit. I turned the heat higher so hopefully it will kick in soon.”

She flinched and gasped slightly as the cold piece of metal came to rest on her back. “Breathe in and out, please. Slow, deep breaths.”

Biting her tongue to keep the sarcastic remark from escaping, she took the requisite breaths. Her goal was to survive the next ten to fifteen minutes with as much of her dignity intact as possible.

The cool instrument was removed. "Let me help you lie down on your stomach so I can have a look at your back. Have you experienced any issues physically?"

With great effort, she managed to shift the sheets and, with Dr. Weston’s assistance, maneuver to a face down position on the table. Her eyes closed as she felt him slowly lower the sheet. "No, just some occasional stiffness or soreness from the healing wounds. I finished the antibiotics you initially gave me. I trust they're no longer necessary?" The last thing she needed was to learn her reward from her weekend in hell was a sexually transmitted disease. The press would have a field day with that. And, she knew without a doubt, somehow they would find out if that were the case.

Running his hand across the scars on her back, he commented. "Your back seems to be healing nicely, the scars are still pink but the good news is they seem to be flush with your skin. I believe, with the exception of the deeper wounds on your lower back, over time they shouldn't be too noticeable. As for the antibiotics, your blood work came back and you are in the clear."

Finally, a small bit of good news. She turned her head to face him and offered him a small smile, "So I won't have to get rid of my backless dresses after all, then." The moment was quickly lost as guilt tugged heavily on her heart. Would Joseph receive the same prognosis? He'd been whipped far longer and harder than she had. Would he ever feel comfortable jogging without a shirt again?

"I wouldn't get rid of them, but keep in mind it will still take time for the redness to fade. Ultimately, of course, you will have to be the one to judge your comfort with exposing yourself as the thin white marks might still be visible."

Clarisse opted not to share about the benefits of concealer and other miracles of modern make-up that could provide at least an illusion of cover should she someday want to wear such a dress again. She felt his hand on her shoulder. “Let’s get you turned over.”

Again the amount of effort required for what should have been such a simple maneuver left Clarisse winded and trembling—either from exertion or from what she knew was going to happen next. The trembling migrated to full-fledged shaking as Dr. Weston clasped her right wrist and moved it above her head as he slowly moved the sheet aside to view the scars on her front. Instinct and fear took over and she jerked her hand from his grasp, placing it tightly against her side.

The brash movement startled him and his eyes widened at the violent reaction. “Clarisse?”

He watched her chest, under the sheet, rising and falling rapidly. Her tightly closed eyes an additional indication of her distress. “Please,” she whispered. “Allow me to leave my hands where they are.”

Dr. Weston wanted to slap himself. How could he have forgotten?  Her wrists were secured, above her head he presumed, on the bed for a good portion of that weekend. “I’m sorry, Clarisse. Please forgive me? Of course your hands may remain by your side. I fear old habits die hard and I wasn’t thinking.”

She didn’t open her eyes, but shook her head. “Not your fault, but thank you for understanding.”

He grabbed two towels from the table next to the exam bed. As he lowered the sheet, he laid a towel on each side of her chest, offering at least some covering while still providing him with the view of the prominent scar running from her breast bone to her abdomen.

With skilled fingers and sharp eyes, he surveyed the long scar – still more red than pink. “I’m worried about this getting infected. I’ll give you some ointment to put on it.” He ventured a quick glance at her. Eyes shut tightly, fists clenched and minimal breaths. The bastard had done a number on her. What kind of person found pleasure in hurting others in such a violent manner?

Clarisse felt the cool sheet being pulled up until it covered her completely once again. A lump of fear rested solidly in her throat. Before, just after her rescue, she'd been in shock, unable to process Dr. Weston's treatment and the number of times another person's hands were on her body. The thought of exposing herself and enduring an examination sent rivulets of anxiety throughout her entire nervous system. "Must we do a full exam today, Doctor?" She fought for a sense of composure.

Wanting to distract her as he moved the sheet away from her leg to allow him to see her inner thigh, he asked. “"How have things with Joseph been this week?"

"Things with Joseph are progressing, I suppose." Her leg muscles tightened as he tenderly touched the marks on her inner thighs.

Removing his hands for a moment, he took her hand. "Clarisse, I really need to perform this exam but I understand your hesitation. Would you like me to call for Charlotte?"

The thought of another set of eyes on her body brought back a flood of unwanted memories. Digging deep, she reasoned with herself that Dr. Weston had examined her countless times over the years. She could get through this. "Alright, I understand. And no, I'll be fine with just you. Please be patient with me as this is…difficult."

“I understand and just say if you need a moment.” With his reassuring words, he moved the sheet to allow him to see the other leg. The marks were no longer the angry red from the first exam, but there was still significant discoloration and the outline of the implement was still clearly defined. Someday soon he’d need to try again to get her to talk about this. “Are these painful?”

“I don’t think about them.”

Her way of saying, _I’m not going to talk about this – move on._ Whatever happened to put these marks on her body had traumatized her far worse than any other transgression against her that entire weekend.

So he said nothing and instead made sure she was covered before slowly guiding her feet into the stirrups. Although the sheets provided some semblance of privacy, her legs trembled slightly at his assistance. "It's not personal, Doctor. I'm still not very good with being touched these days."

Taking his seat he moved in closer and nudged her knees a little further apart. “Relax and breathe, I'll make this as brief as possible." As he worked, Dr. Weston noticed how she flinched every time his arm brushed the inside of her thigh or his fingers probed the violated area examining to make sure the tearing was healing properly.  He knew he needed to distract her. “Is the trouble being touched still from everyone or just certain people?"

Her stomach rolled with each touch of the doctor's hands reminding her of other times when she had to endure violations against her body. Forcing herself to breathe, she answered. "Everyone, but as I’ve indicated before, some touches are worse than others."

Having finished, Dr. Weston wheeled his stool away, drawing the sheet down to cover her. He removed his gloves and moved to stand beside her, allowing her a few moments to calm her breathing. "Which ones are worse?”

"They are equally disturbing, though you are moving into the lead with this exam. I feel the guiltiest though when I shy away from Joseph."

"Why do you think that is?"

Clarisse’s focused on her breath, on his words, not the fresh memory of his hands on her.  She fought against the urge to remind him they’d covered this ground once before. "As I'm sure you know and understand, when he touches me it means something different than anyone else.”

"I do understand. I know both of you are trying and even pushing yourselves a bit to return to the place you were before this happened.”

“Yes, well I’m afraid that’s not going very well either.” _That might possibly be the understatement of the year._

“Physically, you’re healing nicely. I think by your next check-up, we will see complete healing of the tears.”  He helped her to a sitting position. “If I may suggest, the only way to get past this with Joseph, quite honestly, as I suggested in your homework, is to allow small touches and share how you feel after those touches. Reestablish your old routine, have dinner or a movie night. The tension will ease as time goes on. Eventually, the discomfort will lessen to the point where it won’t even register anymore.”

She knew he was right, but wasn't sure she could take the path he was suggesting. How could she explain that every time she closed her eyes, she could still feel Joseph touching her--remembered how she'd felt as they'd played their roles to stay alive...the things they'd done to each other? It simply wasn't that easy to go back. "I'll try."

And would she ever be able to forget the feel of the others? The liberties they took against her body? The violations?

Searching her face, he saw the horror and fear. "Tell me, Clarisse. Share with me what makes you hesitate to move forward, from pursuing this with Joseph?" He knew he was pushing her, but thus far, he’d been unable to break her down so he could help build her up again. She was hiding some of the horrors from that weekend from him. From what she HAD shared with him, though, he couldn’t imagine much worse…

Her anger and frustration surged within her before she could tamper it down and regain control. She lashed out. "I said I would try, Doctor. I'm not sure what else it is you require of me. I was assaulted, raped multiple times and psychologically tortured. Perhaps you can see your way clear to allow me some apprehension about jumping right back into any type of physical relationship."

She forced the air from her lungs and drew a fresh breath. She really was losing it. What had she always been told? Royals didn’t lose it…they were supposed to find it! "I'm sorry, Doctor. I just want to proceed cautiously with Joseph. Repairing that relationship, both emotionally and physically, is very important to me."

The fact she’d lost control was a key indicator to him his Queen still had much healing to do. He’d pushed her into a corner and rather than breaking to let the healing begin, she’d come out fighting. He paused a moment, weighing his words carefully. "Clarisse, next to you and Joseph, there is no one who wants to see your relationship with him flourish more than me. As far as what I require of you...I require nothing. However, in order to help you, it is imperative you be honest with me even if it's painful. We will all get through this together.”

She hugged her arms tightly around her body. When would the nightmare end? How many demons would she have to face? "I understand. And, I promise to try. Are we almost finished?" The desire to put her clothes back on and return to her desk grew stronger with each passing moment, each discussion, each unwelcome touch. The question really wasn't did she want to find a way to welcome Joseph's touch, but rather did he still want to touch her?

Sensing her discomfort Dr. Weston moved towards the door. "Again, my apologies, I know this has been difficult for you. Please get dressed and I'll see you and Joseph on Friday for our next session."

"Yes, thank you, Doctor." As she began to put her clothes back on, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Staring at her reflection, her eyes settled on the long scar running from her breastbone to the center of her stomach. The phantom pain from the knife burned her skin as she traced the scar with the tip of her finger. That was how the horror had begun. The question was...how could she make it end?

^^C/J^^


	12. Girl Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarisse seeks Charlotte's assistance for a personal matter...

**Chapter Twelve: Girl Talk**

Once fully dressed Clarisse stepped out into the hallway where she found Charlotte waiting patiently for her. "Are you alright?"

Guilt surged from deep within her as Clarisse realized her pallor and the haunted look she knew remained in her eyes had not escaped her aide. She remembered vividly all the hours and nights Charlotte had been by her side, helping her through the worst of those first few days. She'd earned her trust. "It was difficult to endure, but I survived." She offered a small smile. "Perhaps you could join me for some tea before we return to work?"

Touching her ear piece Charlotte requested tea for two to be sent to the office and then smiled. "That would be nice."

Clarisse touched her arm. “Perhaps we could take our tea in the sun room? I know it’s too cold to be outside, but I’m not quite ready to return to my office.”

"Of course," Touching her ear piece once more Charlotte informed the staff of the change and followed Clarisse into the sun room. Within five minutes, the tea had arrived.

"Thank you, Charlotte." Clarisse sipped her tea for a moment before turning to the young woman. "I want to thank you again for all of your assistance during those first few terrible weeks. I... well, you made a difference and there aren’t words to properly show my appreciation."

Charlotte placed her cup down on the coffee table, reaching over she touched Clarisse's arm. The older woman flinched slightly gazing down at the touch and then up to her aide.

"I'm glad I could be there for you. I know I said before I was just doing my job, but I confess I’m not sure what I would’ve done if anything had…If we hadn’t arrived when we did. We spend so much time together, you’ve been my mentor…and," She found the queen’s eyes, hoping to convey Clarisse had been the mother she’d never had. Charlotte had been one of the lucky ones from the orphanage, the girl who now lived in the palace and served as the right hand of the Queen. The orphanage provided for her, but they’d never really felt like family. Only at the palace, serving the queen, did she feel at home.

The tears accumulated and threatened to spill from her eyes. "Charlotte, if you hadn't arrived when you did... I..." She stopped and focused on her breathing. "Let's just say if you hadn't arrived when you did, the outcome would have been much different." Fighting against her fears, she clasped her hand over Charlotte’s. “And you are like the daughter I never had.”

Seeing the tears pool in Clarisse's eyes caused the tears she’d been fighting to contain burst free. Hurriedly, Charlotte wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand. 'I'm so sorry...I'm not sure why I said that...I did mean to upset you. Please, forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive, dear. These last couple months have been hard on everyone in our family. We'll get through it, one day at a time."

"Yes, one day at a time." The words were barely an audible whisper as Charlotte picked up her tea, allowing her to avoid eye contact with the woman she’d just bared her soul to.

Clarisse followed suit and sipped her tea again. As the tea washed over her tongue, she considered if she should share her dilemma with Charlotte. There was really no one else to speak to about this and she desperately needed some perspective. Her mind strove to keep up with all the battles being waged. The question wasn’t whether Charlotte would help but rather would it be fair to ask more of her. She’d already done so much and was obviously hurting because of her involvement.

After a few moments of silence, Charlotte noticed the other woman was staring off into the distance. "Is everything alright with your tea? I can call for another pot if this one isn't to your liking."

"The tea is fine, Charlotte. I fear my stomach is still reeling from the exam and the last thing I want to do is become sick.” Turning her focus back to the young woman, she made her decision. “The tea was merely a ruse, I fear. I wanted to talk with you privately, outside of the office."

Turning, Charlotte gave her full attention "Of course, what is it, ma’am?"

She graced the young woman with a tender smile. "Perhaps, it will be easier to share if we avoided the ma’am and Your Majesty?"

"Of course…” she paused and smiled slightly, “Clarisse."

"Much better." Clarisse clasped her hands in her lap to avoid from wringing them as she searched for a way to say what needed to be said. Her eyes found Charlotte's, the compassion she felt from her gaze warmed her and provided comfort and confidence to continue. "I know you're aware, at least to some extent, what Joseph and I endured during our weekend away. I also believe you possess fair knowledge of the progress of our personal relationship prior to that weekend."

Charlotte swallowed hard and exhaled slowly. "Yes, I believe I have a good understanding of both."

Clarisse nodded. "Well, Dr. Weston believes it's vitally important for Joseph and I to find a way back to the comfort level our relationship enjoyed prior to the unfortunate series of events."

"I see.” Charlotte paused, unsure exactly how to ask the question that rested heavily in the air between them. “I know you two were close, it was obvious that you held a…level of affection for each other. I’m not sure, honestly though, what comfort level you were at.” She offered an indulgent smile. “You both are very private.”

The older woman’s eyes closed, a moment of silence for all the privacy between them that had been lost in a period of a few days. She sighed and then opened her eyes to face Charlotte. “Though I never really dated, my guess would be a comfort level and physical relationship that accompanied people who had been dating for a short period of time.”

Charlotte nodded, that would have been her guess. They had been best friends for as long as she could remember, but only in the past few years did she notice a subtle shift towards a more personal, deeper relationship. Remembering Clarisse’s flinch when she touched her arm earlier, she added. “And right now, being touched is difficult for you.”

Pain flooded her features. “That’s an understatement, I fear.”

Charlotte gave it some thought, not wanting to cause any further distress for her friend. “Maybe if you go back to the beginning? Dancing was one thing you both enjoyed as friends, even before your relationship ventured toward additional steps. You two have always been so wonderful on the dance floor." Charlotte smiled remembering the evening she saw them in each other's arms in San Francisco as they danced the Wango.

At the idea, Clarisse brightened slightly. "I hadn't thought of that. I must be honest and say I'm not certain it would work, but it may be easier to attempt than any other possibilities that have come to mind."

"If you'd like I can arrange time for you two to spend alone in the small ballroom each week. If anyone asks we can tell them you are simply practicing for the Christmas Eve ball."

"I would need to speak with Joseph first. Even if I'm willing to try, he may not yet be ready." Her eyes found Charlotte's again. "They put him through hell."

She nodded. "I can’t even imagine what you two endured. Once you speak to Joseph, let me know. I'll see to it personally." She took a sip from her tea, "Permission to speak freely?”

Clarisse’s smile broadened, “I’m certain we’ve ventured into free speech territory for both of us on this subject. Please do.”

“I know this is a difficult time for you and Joseph and there is reasonable concern about your relationship recovering but, woman to woman, he still looks at you the same as he did before all this happened." The next words were barely more than a whisper, “Perhaps even more intensely now.”

Clarisse shook her head, trying not to blush at the observation. Charlotte watched them as closely as Joseph watched over her and the other people closest to her. She also knew the reason he looked at her differently now… _our innocence is lost._  Though Charlotte would never know those specific details, she understood the intensity of the relationship they shared. "I know his heart is willing, but our minds were toyed with, along with our emotions. Lester played games with us that forced us into situations that changed the nature of... well everything between us." _I’ve probably said too much…_ She sighed. The list of secrets she was trying to keep grew longer every day.

Charlotte’s eyes held hers for a moment, seeking understanding in the words she’d spoken. Finally, the young woman broke eye contact and pulled her bottom lip into her mouth. A sign of discomfort Clarisse remembered from when she was a child. "I can't proclaim to know what you are going through, but I hope for both your sakes he agrees to this.” Charlotte whispered.

“What is it, Charlotte?”

“The ball is coming up in less than a month.  With the current situation…I know it's not your fault, but… Well, you’re known for spending a great deal of time on the dance floor at each event. From a press standpoint, there will be questions if, or shall I say when, they notice. I can limit the number of dance partners to some extent, but you always start off dancing with Sebastian and end the ball with Joseph. I'm not sure how we can explain the queen not dancing."

Clarisse's eyes closed and she fought the frustrated sigh wanting to escape. Truthfully, she wanted to scream. Her entire world had been changed, the innocence of her relationship stolen, and now she was on a clock for finding a way to allow countless men, some friends - some strangers, to hold her hand and place their hands on her back and guide her around a dance floor. "I understand Charlotte. As I told Dr. Weston, I shall try."

"If it's any consolation, this is Princess Mia's last year as princess so we could shift the focus to her if you don't feel ready, that way you could be free to dance only the first and last dances."

A knowing smile crept onto the older woman's face. "I appreciate the effort, Charlotte, but you and I both know if I don't dance with anyone but Sebastian and Joseph, the press will speculate and whatever they have to say, even if it won't be the ugly truth, will not bode well for either the conclusion of my reign or the start of Amelia's."

"Agreed. Shall I locate Joseph and ask him to come to the office? I know his appointment was right before yours so he should be returning to duty soon."

"I'm certain he will resume his post in the office, but I prefer to speak with him about this privately, just as you and I have. Thank you for working so hard, though, to see to all the details of my life. We both know you essentially ran the country for those first few weeks. Even though your fellow countrymen may never know the truth, I do and I will never forget."

Bowing her head slightly, Charlotte whispered. "I appreciate your kind words, but no thanks are needed. I'm always willing to do anything for you and Genovia."

The silence lingered for a few moments as Charlotte pondered how much the woman sitting across from her had affected her life in a positive way. They both weren’t very good at showing emotions, though they’d grown closer and more open with each other since that weekend. Wanting to help ease the silence, she pulled out the itinerary for the day. "You are essentially free after four this evening. Would you like for me to arrange a private dinner in your suite?"

Clarisse hoped her stomach would cooperate by then. The doctor hadn't mentioned her weight loss, a fact for which she was very grateful. She prayed she'd find her appetite again before the Christmas ball as she'd been the same size for years now. If Jerome had to take in her dress, she'd have to come up with yet another plausible lie to spread. "That would be wonderful, thank you. Perhaps some soup and some of Chef's wonderful homemade bread?"

"Dinner for two?" Charlotte’s eyes lit with a small ray of hope.

Clarisse smiled and winked at the young woman. "Chef can send enough for two. I can always send back the left overs, if needed."

“I know how much you love the soup, but I overheard that tonight's menu included fresh lobster and shrimp. Perhaps I can add that to your dinner order as well? I believe it’s one of Joseph’s favorites and it might be nice to add some protein back into your diet." Charlotte’s look of concern couldn’t be masked. Unfortunately, image was everything and the people of Genovia paid rapt attention to every detail about their Queen.

Clarisse shook her head.  "Just the soup and bread will be fine." She knew Charlotte had noticed the weight loss for both she and Joseph. She suspected Joseph's appetite wasn't much better than her own. If they could get the soup and bread down, that would be an accomplishment.

"Alright, dinner for two soup, bread and…wine." Charlotte’s voice turned hopeful.

Clarisse nodded, anxious to get on with her day. "As you wish, Charlotte. Thank you."

Charlotte jotted the notes down hoping her Queen and friend would thank her for the liquid courage later.

^^C/J^^


	13. Shall We Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarisse and Joseph work on getting their footing back on the dance floor. Will it serve as a stepping point back to normal or take them back even farther in their relationship?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all of you who have been reading, leaving kudos and comments - they are so appreciated!! Our goal is to post at least one chapter a week as we don't want to leave you hanging for long and the chapters are written for the most part (just need that final edit before posting)
> 
> Thanks again!!

**Chapter Thirteen: Shall We Dance?**

**_December 3_ **

With Charlotte and Shades help, Clarisse learned Joseph was at the gym. Quietly, she made her way to the lower level of the palace where the training facility was housed. Her eyes were drawn to the man she loved and missed terribly right now. He was sitting on a workout bench, slowly lifting a weight with his right arm. Her heart broke a little more at the obvious amount of effort this exercise required as a fine sheen of perspiration covered his body.

She inhaled and exhaled slowly, remembering Charlotte's words of encouragement. Stepping further into the area, she cleared her throat. "Joseph? Might I interrupt you for a moment?"

Placing the weight on the floor, Joseph stood up. She watched as his eyes darted around the room, probably out of habit, to make sure it was secure. "Of course, Your Majesty. Is there something wrong?"

She shook her head, "No, nothing wrong. I was just wondering... Well, it appears I have some free time tonight and I..." Oh for heaven’s sake, she'd dealt with difficult diplomats easier than this. Lifting her chin, she found her courage. "Would you join me for dinner tonight?"

He took a step closer. "I would be honored, but are you sure? I mean are you okay with being alone with me again?" His voice was so low, Clarisse had to strain to hear, but she appreciated him wanting to keep the nature of their conversation private.

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she continued. "Dr. Weston believes it's important for me to try and," Her eyes found his, conveying more than her tongue-tied mouth could manage. "I really would like to find a way for us to move past this wall we find ourselves separated by."

His smile brightened the room, before he quickly remembered others were around and softened the smile to a more normal level. “I would like that as well. I miss spending time with you. Shall I meet you at the office?"

Relief filled her heart. She still had no idea how dinner would go, but the fact they were both willing to try was an important first step. "Once you finish your workout, just take what's left of the afternoon to rest. I'll see you in my suite at six tonight?"

Joseph laughed, a sound she’d not heard much of lately. "Take the rest of the afternoon off? You clearly haven't seen my desk. I have a stack of papers nearly as high as the one on the corner of your desk. No, I’ll return to my office, but I shall look forward to seeing you at six."

The weight from her shoulders and the despair of her heart lightened imperceptibly and she graced him with a small smile. "As you wish, I'd never want to keep you from your paperwork." She drank in his appearance one final time, her eyes invariably drawn to the scars on his wrist. "Six o'clock then."

^^C/J^^

Clarisse glanced at the clock for the twentieth time in the last thirty minutes. It would've been thirty times, but the meal was delivered a few minutes ago and that consumed ten minutes of distraction. All the bravado she'd felt earlier when speaking with Joseph vanished as she'd belabored over what to wear for what felt like hours. She finally settled on a pair of black pants and a red silk blouse, long sleeved. She'd unbuttoned the very top button, but that was the most she could manage. Her trademark black heels had been easy. Hair, make-up and lavender scented perfume to help calm her nerves.

At exactly six, she heard three quick raps on the door. Her eyes closed and she expelled the air slowly from her lungs, praying her anxiety would go with it. "Come in."

She watched as the door opened and Joseph stepped inside. "Good evening."

Her breath caught. _So handsome._ Black had always been his best color. As she thought about it, she’d rarely seen him in anything but the one color. She refused to think of that weekend—how the customary color had been absent, replaced by the golden tones of his skin before the blues, purples and greens of the bruising from Rich’s abuse…and the red from Jason’s whip colored the beautiful skin. She shuddered and refocused her attention. Offering a smile, she lifted her hand toward the sitting area. "Please join me at the table. Olivia brought everything up only about ten minutes ago. We don't want the soup to get cold."

"I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you look very beautiful tonight." He pulled out her chair and waited for her to be seated before taking his place across from her. He inhaled deeply, leaning toward the bowl. "Tortilla soup, one of my favorites. It smells delicious."

Clarisse's face heated until she was certain the hue matched her shirt. "Thank you, Joseph. A woman never tires of being complimented. I hope you approve of my choice to only select the soup and bread. I can always ask Chef to send up some of the seafood listed on the menu tonight, if you wish."

He shook his head. "The soup was an excellent idea. Truthfully, I haven’t had much of an appetite lately and I love chef's fresh bread."

Her eyes found his. "Me either. I'm trying, but so many situations I encounter every day and most nights leave me without an appetite. I promised Charlotte I would try to eat something tonight though." She smiled slightly, "She's very worried about us."

His eyes never left hers. "I'm glad I'm not the only one she fusses at for not eating. The other day she brought a plate of homemade cookies into the hub and waited while I ate one. We are lucky to have someone who cares as much as Charlotte." His eyes drifted to the bottle of wine still sitting on the cart. "Shall I open the wine for us?"

Clarisse's gaze followed his. Her stomach clenched with the thought that the wine could loosen her control, something she was not in favor of right now. Perhaps a few small sips to calm her might make the evening progress smoothly. "If you would like some, that will be fine." Her gaze dropped back to the soup and she blew gently on the steaming liquid, cooling it before taking a bite. The tomatoes and seasonings washed over her pallet, wakening her taste buds. Perhaps she might be able to finish the bowl if she went slowly.

^^

Sensing her discomfort at the idea, Joseph decided against the wine. Instead, he stood and walked over to the small refrigerator in the bar area of the suite. Grabbing a bottle of water, he returned to the table filling each of their glasses before taking his seat to finish his meal.

She shook her head. "Joseph, please, we can have some wine. I just... I want to have something on my stomach before drinking any. Perhaps we can have a glass after dinner?"

Wiping his mouth, he looked up as she took another bite, the pursing of her lips around the spoon capturing his attention. "Of course." _Why didn't I just pour the wine?_

He sighed before looking back down at the half empty bowl. His stomach was already regretting the heavy spices as the atmosphere in the room began to change.

A moment later, Clarisse set her spoon and bread down. "Would you mind joining me by the fire? I have something I'd like to talk to you about. We can always have some more soup later, if we want."

He placed his napkin on the table. “Shall I bring the wine?"

She nodded. "Yes, please.

Joseph made quick work of the cork before grabbing two glasses from the cabinet. Placing them on the coffee table, he carefully poured the liquid thankful he was able to hide the tremors in his hands as he offered her a glass. Taking his seat at the opposite end of the sofa, he watched as she took a sip. "You wanted to talk to me about something?"

She sat the glass down and exhaled a deep breath before turning to look at him. "Doctor Weston has suggested we find a way to assist me with my...challenges...about being touched. It was suggested that perhaps we try dancing as that was something we have engaged in for many years now. I..." Her gaze returned to her lap, the hands clinching each other tightly.

After several breaths, her chin raised and when her gaze found his again, he knew the steely reserve of the queen had been called upon. "I'd like to dance with you again, if you're willing to try."

Joseph's nerves eased as he realized Clarisse was trying to ask for his help. Honestly, he was just thankful she was willing to ask him for anything at all. He placed his glass next to hers.  "I would like that very much, but where would we dance without drawing suspicion?"

A sigh of relief slipped through her lips and he could see her visibly calm. "Charlotte has offered to arrange use of the small ballroom for us whenever we'd like to try." A flash of fear crossed her face. "It's imperative, Joseph, that I overcome this before the Christmas Ball. I can't have a meltdown in public."

Joseph's mind mentally calculated the days until the ball realizing with her busy schedule, they would probably only have a few chances to work this out. Taking a leap of faith, he stood and extended his hand toward her. “May I have this dance?" It was as if time stood still during those few seconds as their eyes met, searching…waiting.

He watched as a battle raged behind those beautiful baby blues. He knew there was nothing he could say at this point, the decision was hers and hers alone. After what felt like an eternity, she lifted her hand to take his and stood, bringing their bodies only inches apart. He felt, more than saw, the deep inhale and exhale of her breath.

The nerves he’d calmed only moments before now hovered just below the surface. He needed to get this right. Her slender, well-manicured hand in his heightened every nerve and forced him to take a matching deep breath. He led her to the open space behind the sofa giving them the room necessary to move about. With the utmost care, he placed his hand on hip. "Is this okay?" They stood in the traditional stance, he could feel the nerves and tension palpable between them.

His hand in hers, the other on her hip - so far, so good. No nasty flashbacks, no hesitation at this particular touch. As long as his hand stayed there...she would be fine, she prayed. Nodding slowly, "Yes, this is fine."

Smiling to ease both their nerves, Joseph began to move around the makeshift dance floor. It felt so right having Clarisse in his arms again. Dancing had always been one of the ways they were able to be close to one another without drawing unwanted attention. Her eyes had been locked on his since the first step. He knew the dreaded spin was approaching and he watched as Clarisse closed her eyes tight just before the move.

^^

Her hand clasped his tighter, she could almost feel every nerve ending in her body come alive with what was to come next. She knew the movements without thought, they both did. She lifted her arm for him to twirl under and then spun until her body was right up against his. The heat from his body blanketed her and his hand now held hers right at her side. Images from when their bodies were forced close together threatened, but then the memory of dancing The Wango with him in San Francisco moved to the front of her mind.

It was such a wonderful day, a blissful memory. The good outweighed the bad and she remained in his loose embrace, moving to step in time with him as the song continued. They had survived this first very important test.

As the dance ended Joseph reluctantly released Clarisse from his embrace. _They had made it to the end._ "Thank you for the dance." He smiled, unsure of what his next move should be.

Her smile was small, but conveyed many emotions. "Thank you for creating so many pleasant memories with me in the dance that they outweighed the bad ones vying for attention in my brain. While I know it wasn't our best, it was a step in the right direction."

She wanted to share with him exactly how much this moment meant to her so she braved one more hurdle and cupped his cheek with her hand. "Thank you for not leaving and staying here to fight through this with me."

She watched him struggle with the gentle touch. He pressed his hand gently against hers nuzzling his cheek closer. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes as errant drops of moisture escaped the corner of his eyes. She reached up to brush the stray tear from his cheek prompting him to gradually open his eyes. "I promise I'll never leave, unless you ask. I...I can'." The words caught in his throat leaving him unable to finish his sentence.

At his tears, some of the tightly held control on her emotions slipped and matching moisture escaped down her cheek. "We will find a way through this together, Joseph. Find a way to fight through the hell they put us through. As long as you're with me..." She closed her eyes enjoying the warmth and security his presence provided.

At the sight of her tears, without thinking, he closed the small space between them, wrapping his arms loosely around her waist to provide her comfort as he had in the past. Feeling her body tense, he drew back quickly. "I'm sorry."

Her eyes closed, unwilling to see the pain in his eyes or allow him to see it in hers. "It is I who am sorry. Just give me time, I promise I'll find a way to deal with all of this. Progress was made tonight, just be patient. I want nothing more than to feel your arms around me, holding me and comforting me as they did before."

“My mind told me it was the wrong move but my heart longs to be near you, my arms ache with need to be wrapped around your body but I know it is still too soon but please believe me Clarisse,” His eyes searched hers. “I will never give up on us…Together we WILL find a way. We just have to believe.”

^^C/J^^


	14. No Promise ofTomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dance practice continues and a trip down memory lane provides some comfort to our couple. How long will their sense of calm last? Will they be able to continue their forward progress?

**Chapter Fourteen: No Promise of Tomorrow**

**_Thursday – December 4_ **

“What’s on the agenda today, Charlotte?” Clarisse asked as she took her seat behind the stately oak desk, setting her morning tea cup on the corner.

Charlotte took the seat opposite and propped her clipboard on her lap. “No meetings today, just the normal paperwork to review with some additional documents sent by courier from the Ambassador from Spain.”

Clarisse nodded, thankful for a day absent of meetings. She wouldn’t have to pretend as much and work so hard to put on a brave front as the protection of her desk and piles of paperwork made it easy to not think about anything but the job. “Very good, thank you Charlotte.”

“As we discussed, I’ve also scheduled two hours at the end of the day for you and Joseph in the small ballroom. The room is reserved for twice a week until the Christmas ball.  I’ve also personally placed a compact disc player in there with some of your favorite CDs to choose from.”

At her words, the internal battle deep within Clarisse’s psyche began anew. True, their first dance in her suite had gone well, as well as could be expected anyway; but the end result was both of them in tears. Emotionally, she wasn’t sure how many more tears she could handle. At the end of the day, she both craved and feared Joseph’s touch. Not because she was afraid of him, rather of the return of the nightmare.  Forcing a smile, she nodded. “Very well, thank you.”

**

Charlotte watched the myriad of emotions cross the queen’s face. Part of her loved that Clarisse was comfortable enough to not keep her guard up when it was just the two of them, the other worried that the signs meant she’d misunderstood her wishes. Before she could ask any follow-up questions, Clarisse acknowledged her statement, lowered her head and went straight to work. If she’d learned anything over the past several years, there was a time to force the Queen’ hand…and right now wasn’t it.

The day passed by uneventfully for Charlotte and she’d spent most of it covertly watching Clarisse. As the end of the day neared, she noted that, to the untrained eye Clarisse appeared to be reading the packet from the ambassador. To Charlotte, however, she knew her stress level was rising with each passing minute. She wished there was something she could do to help. However, this was important not only for her friend, personally, but professionally as well. If she didn’t dance at the Christmas Ball, not even Sebastian’s wonderful way with the press could save them from gossip and scuttlebutt.

Standing, Charlotte quietly made her way to the desk and placed her hands on the edge. Clarisse did not look up. “Ma’am, I believe you have about ten minutes before you are to meet Joseph.”

Clarisse filed the paperwork away with only a slight trembling in her fingers. “Thank you, Charlotte. I don’t suppose I have time to change?”

The younger woman swept a quick glance over the immaculate appearance of her elder. She had no idea how she managed to look as pressed and put together at the end of the day as she did at the beginning.  Maybe someday, she’d share her secret. “You look beautiful, as always, but if you’d feel more comfortable changing, I can let Joseph know.”

Shaking her head, Clarisse stood and smoothed the imaginary wrinkles out of her dress. “No, that won’t be necessary. This will be fine.”

“Before you leave would you like to have dinner served in the dining room or in your suite?”

Clearing the cobwebs from her head, Clarisse looked at her watch “There’s no need to keep the staff waiting for me. Just have a sandwich and some soup sent to my suite.”

“Yes, ma’am. Shall I have them send dinner for one or two?”  Charlotte smiled.

Clarisse graced her with a small smile before playing right into her hand. “Please have enough sent for two in case Joseph is hungry as well. I’m sure he would like to discuss Amelia’s security plan for when she arrives.” _Unless things go poorly, in which case I’ll be eating alone…again._  

Moving toward the door, she added. “After you talk to the chef, please take the rest of the evening off. I’m planning to retire after dinner.”

^^^C&J^^^

Joseph heard the clicking of her heels as she made her way down the hall. He’d been both excited and nervous about this meeting ever since their last dance in her suite.  As the clicking slowed, his heart rate increased. The large door opened and she stepped in, shutting the door behind her. His blue eyes drank in the sight of her, as though they’d not had water for days. Her image nearly stole his breath away. She always looked beautiful, no matter the circumstances, but today her beauty was beyond words. 

Standing up straight, Joseph finally found his voice as he willed his pulse to slow. "I've turned the cameras off." _She’ll want to know her privacy is guaranteed, it’s the least I can do for her right now._ He stepped over to the stack of CD's and started rummaging through them to find the perfect one. As he felt her presence move closer, he offered in a quiet voice. "You look lovely tonight." He followed it with a silent prayer she didn't hear the nervous quivering in his vocal cords.

At the slight intake of her breath, he locked eyes with her and let her see that he still found her desirable and beautiful. It wasn’t hard as it was all true. He also saw the fear. Was it from being next to him or something else? Had Lester pushed them so far there was no going back to their comfortable friendship? He knew now what it felt like for his body to be pressed against hers, his hands and mouth moving over her skin. He blinked rapidly and broke the connection. They needed to start with the dance.

Refocusing on the music selection, their fingers danced over the cases until they landed on the perfect one at the same time. "This one?”

Joseph couldn't help the smile that emerged. "Do you remember the first time we danced to this?"

She nodded. "I will never forget. You were the best partner I danced with that night."

Placing the disc in the player, the soft strands of the orchestra filled the air. Lifting his hand, he bowed. "Shall we?"

She stepped into his arms and he watched her focus turn inward. He hoped she was holding onto the memory of the first time they danced to this song. Positive thoughts helped last time, so they couldn't hurt this time either. It felt a little easier this go round. Not as smooth as they were capable of, but progress nonetheless. As they moved into a series of turns, his hand moved higher on her back to offer additional balance. Her eyes widened and he saw the shift… Fear.

The nightmare had returned.

He had to act fast. After the last turn he pulled her body closer, his cheek now resting against hers. His breath blew across her ear from his exertion and the nearness, he felt a shiver run throughout her body, but he doubted it was from the cold. Time to intervene. “Do you remember what we did after the dance?"

Clarisse’s chin lifted and she met his eyes. “Tell me the story again."

Joseph was no longer concerned with the proper dance steps, only holding her in the middle of the ballroom, swaying to the music. "I'll never forget that night. You were wearing the prettiest burgundy dress, the dark color caused your eyes to shine brighter than I ever thought possible. There was a slit in the side that allowed you to move more freely on the dance floor. I’d watched you most of the night. Of course that wasn’t unusual.” He smiled gently. “What I noticed during my intense scrutiny of your every move was that your feet were getting stepped on more than usual. I couldn't stand it any longer, so I cut in on your dance with the Spanish ambassador. Your smile lit up the room when I took you in my arms. You were probably relieved as I wouldn’t step on your toes. However I wanted to believe it was for other reasons.”

Clarisse moved closer in the embrace and laid her head on his shoulder. His heart beat increased from her proximity and the memory he was sharing. “After the dance ended, we slipped through the crowd and out onto the balcony. The wind passing through the willow drowned out the noise from ballroom, peaceful and serene. The cool air pricked your flesh with goose bumps, but you wouldn’t admit you were cold. Of course, you didn’t stop me from draping my jacket over your bare shoulders. Either minutes or it could’ve been hours passed as we stared at the stars. Then, the earth stopped moving as you took the initiative where I could not. You drew me into your arms as your soft lips found mine."

Clarisse closed her eyes, remembering that night. Inwardly, she whispered a prayer of thanks that Lester hadn't forced them to kiss. Having special moments like the one Joseph just shared remain untainted was of the utmost importance to her. Her voice muffled in his shirt. "The kiss was even better than the dancing. I wanted to stay there all night with you. I was thankful your loyal security team guarded the entrance to the patio so we could have privacy for a few moments.”

"As did I, but duty called." Joseph had stopped swaying, needing to see her face. His fingers lifted her chin until he could see her beautiful eyes once again. “That night you waltzed away with my heart. I’m pretty sure it belonged to you from the very beginning, but that night, I allowed myself to believe you might hold feelings beyond friendship for me.

Her blue eyes clouded over. “And now we find ourselves here, starting all over again, but the beauty of that innocence is lost."

"I wish we weren’t forced to start over, but I thank God every day for giving me...us the opportunity to try again." His fingers caressed the smooth skin of her cheek, grateful his touch hadn’t sent her bolting from the room. "If that weekend taught me anything, it’s that we are never promised tomorrow. So I want you to know, without a doubt, right here in this moment. I love you." He exhaled slowly. He’d actually said the words.

Her eyes closed as his words washed over her frayed nerves. Even after everything that happened, he still loved her. She knew what she had to do. _No promise of tomorrow._ "I love you too, Joseph. I know we are going through a difficult time right now, but the love we had prior to the nightmare will carry us through. I'm only sorry I never found the courage to tell you sooner."

Joseph's heart begged to celebrate this moment with Clarisse's warm body pressed firmly against his, their lips fused, sealing the declaration they had each made. His mind, the rational part of the equation, reminded him neither was ready for that step.

 As if sensing his thoughts, she cupped his cheek with one hand and pressed the other against his chest. "I understand the look in your eyes and I want to, Joseph... I just can't...not yet. Please be patient."

 "I understand. We may not be promised tomorrow, but know that forever wouldn’t be too long to wait for you."

Hearing Clarisse's stomach rumble, Joseph checked his watch. "It's getting late. I suppose I should escort you to the dining room for dinner."

She offered a small smile. "Thank you, Joseph." Her hand smoothed over her mid-section. "That is the first time in weeks I’ve felt hungry. Dancing in your arms must have been good for me. Charlotte practically insisted on sending up dinner for two to my suite. Would you care to join me? Maybe we can compare notes before our session with Dr. Weston in the morning."

"I would like that very much." Joseph offered his arm, not wanting to lose the physical contact just yet. "At least we have good news to share."

Threading her hand through his arm and holding gently, she allowed him to lead her out of the ballroom. "Yes, hopefully he will be pleased with our progress."

What concerned her is what he might ask of them next.

^^C/J^^


	15. No Going Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarisse and Joseph attempt to move their relationship forward with mixed results. Will they be able to do what Doc Weston is asking of them when he explains to them there's no going back to the way things were??

**Chapter Fifteen: No Going Back**

**_Friday, December 5_ **

Doctor Weston smiled as he noticed the relaxed posture of both the occupants sitting on the sofa. “Good morning. You both appear to be more at ease with each other. I hope that’s because you have started your homework.”

Sharing a glance in each other’s direction, the corners of her mouth turned upward as Clarisse responded. “Yes. In fact we did follow your advice…reluctantly but nevertheless we did.”

Sitting back in the Queen Anne chair, Dr. Weston picked up his notepad and pen. “I’m very glad to hear that. You said reluctantly. Tell me a little more about that.”

Joseph turned in his seat so he could focus on Clarisse as she answered. “I was reluctant not so much to dance with Joseph, but I was scared to ask him.” She turned to Joseph. “He has done and given so much of himself, it felt almost selfish to ask this of him. I’ll be honest, it took a little prompting from Charlotte before I found the courage to actually follow through. But now…now I’m glad I did.” Her smile widened, unable to be diminished as she remembered the words he spoke to her at the end of their dance.

“So the dancing went well?”

Tearing his gaze away from Clarisse, Joseph turned his attention toward the doctor.  “I believe the dancing went well. We each had our demons to fight but we managed to slay them… together.”

“How did you feel being touched, Clarisse?”

Casting her eyes back toward Joseph to draw strength from him, she answered. “I was nervous, scared that we…I would fail, that I would lose control or even that Joseph would reject the idea. That wasn’t the case though. Joseph never gave me the opportunity to back out. One moment I asked him and the next I was in his arms. The fear eased the more I was in his arms.”

"I'm very glad to hear the dancing is going well. I know it took a lot of courage for both of you to face some of those demons. I want you to continue in your dancing and, Clarisse, it will be important for you to dance with a few others prior to the Christmas Ball to ensure you'll be able to handle the requirements of your role that evening. Dancing with Joseph is one thing, dancing with others may set off a different set of triggers so you'll want to be sure of that prior to the ball. Can you do that?"

"After my discussion with Charlotte, I realized it is something that must be done. I can't fail at this. I understand many eyes are watching so I must at least give the appearance of perfection. The press and my enemies are constantly looking for something to use against me. Not dancing simply isn't an option." _So sad that my every move is scrutinized…but I know that to be a truth._

The Doctor smiled in her direction. "You have never failed in your duty. I don't believe for one second you will fail this time either, despite the more challenging circumstances."

“Thank you for always supporting me. It means more than you know.” She smiled graciously at his compliment.

"Now that we have that settled, I want to delve a little deeper into what both of you will need to do to continue to move forward. Joseph, tell me what you think will be an important next step."

Joseph sat back on the couch, a look of deep thought settling on his features. "You're the expert, Doc. I'm just trying to do whatever's necessary to get things back to normal."

Dr. Weston leaned forward, "Let me ask you both a question. Do you think you will ever be able to return your relationship to where it was before all of this happened? You answer first and then I'll share my thoughts. Clarisse?"

 

Shifting slightly in her seat, her fingers played with the fringe on the throw pillow beside her. "I hope eventually we will find the comfort and ease we once had. Ideally, one day, I hope we can move forward with our relationship." Three little words played over and over in Clarisse's head. _I love you…_

Dr. Weston nodded and turned his attention to the other end of the couch. "Joseph?"

"I like where we were before, basically entering the dating phase of our relationship. So, yes, I'd like the chance to get back there again."

The older gentleman folded his hands and leaned forward, looking intently at both of them. "I understand your desire to return to the status quo, but I must be honest with you and tell you I don't think that's possible. Your relationship was in its early stages based on a long-term friendship. You mentioned to me both jointly and separately that the weekend in question robbed you of that innocence. Let me ask you another question to make my point. When you see each other or when you do have the opportunity to touch, whether it be in dancing or otherwise, do you feel differently now than you did before? Are the feelings more intense?"

Joseph fidgeted in his seat and turned toward his favorite books on the shelf. Slowly he shook his head. "No, it's not the same. I feel...more strongly now that... well, you know."

Clarisse hurried to interject, not wanting him to believe he was alone. "I was going to say the same. When I'm with Joseph, regardless of the circumstance, it pulls at my heart. I know what it's like to feel his…” Her face heated. “Skin against mine. Although the circumstances weren't ideal, my heart hasn't forgotten the warmth and the safety in those moments, despite everything."

Dr. Weston nodded. "So you understand my point. You can't go back to the same place - to normal. However, that doesn't mean you can't find a new starting point for your relationship. One that builds on the friendship and trust you both have for each other. To do that, however, the boundaries of that trust are going to be pushed. I will be pushing you and you will have to walk to the edge and jump before you can find new ground. So the next step, in addition to continuing to dance, is you need to have those date nights again. I don't mean just dinner. You need to have an activity, one that requires both of you to talk about something besides work related subjects. Joseph, I want you to hold her hand, kiss her, share personal things you would have done on a date. Can you both do that?"

Fear flooded Clarisse's body… Though the memory of Joseph’s kiss comforted her, she also remembered how free – how far out of control his kiss could take her. “Kiss me? We have only just become comfortable touching. I'm sorry, but aren’t we moving a little fast? I want this. Don’t get me wrong but..."

"Did you kiss him before?"

“Well yes.” Clarisse’s tone sounded harsher than she intended.

He leaned back in his chair, hands folded once again. "Then I think it's a very important step." He paused for a moment and looked at each of his patients. "Do you want to kiss him again? Joseph, do you want to kiss her?"

"Of course, I want to kiss her. I..." He sighed heavily. "I enjoyed kissing her."

Looking at Joseph, Clarisse felt as if he and his feelings had been forgotten somehow in her quick reaction to the question. "I do want to kiss you, Joseph. I know this is an important step I'm just…concerned." She hated admitting her fear, being scared…hated her weakness.

She took a deep breath as her fingers found Joseph's resting on the couch. "I'm willing to plunge into the dark abyss if you are. I know that if anyone can overcome what we went through it's us, but I can't and don't want to do it alone." Her fingers tightened around his silently conveying her love.

He returned her grasp, "You're never alone, Clarisse...not so long as I live and breathe."

"Nor are you."

Satisfied, Dr. Weston smiled. "Very good then. Let's meet back here in a week and I want to hear how the date went."

**  
**

**Saturday, December 6 -- 7 p.m.**

Clarisse was snuggled safely against Joseph as they watched her favorite movie. The darkness in the theater added to the semblance of comfort and, dare she think it? Peace. She loved being able to be this close. Being able to enjoy even the smallest of touches again, reassured her perhaps they could find their way back to a point where they truly could move their relationship forward. Flashes of light from the projector provided the only illumination as images of the happy couple flashed across the screen. _A couple who look as happy as we once were._

“Clarisse?” Joseph’s voice interrupted her thoughts.

“Hmm…?” She snuggled further into his embrace, her arm snaking across his chest surrounding herself in his protective cocoon.

“Do you think… I would very much like trying to kiss you. I know it’s a big step…” His words sounded unsure even as his arm tightened around her.

Her heart began beating wildly in her chest as butterflies took flight. Was she willing to risk this beautiful evening for a chance to make it even more wonderful? _Or terrible if the kiss should not go well?_ Her nerves raged a fierce battle within her body as heart and mind vied to make the decision. Her gaze found his in the flickering light and she saw the understanding in his blue depths. Slowly, she nodded. She prayed this was not a mistake. Their progress had been positive, but minimal thus far. Undoing it could prove to be a major setback.

Time stood still before starting again in slow motion as Joseph’s head leaned in toward her. The movie faded into the background, leaving her aware of nothing but the moment his lips would touch hers. Her heart beat faster—perhaps a combination of fear and joy. She’d missed his lips moving against hers, the soft murmur of pleasure he always gave as their kisses deepened, and the way his hands felt as they tangled in her hair. Possession and passion intermingling for an exciting combination.

His body moved closer as they adjusted the angle of the kiss, sending small sparks of sensation throughout her body. His hand slid from her hair to her neck…something he’d done countless times before. Something she could no longer allow.

Too much – too soon.

Panic spread like wildfire throughout her body. Pounding reverberated in her chest physically making her heart ache. Her throat constricted, the all-too familiar burning sensation returning to her lungs. Her mind replaced Joseph’s hands with her attackers as her airway constricted sending pain signals screaming throughout her body.

Adrenaline surged and instinct demanded she respond. She pushed hard and scrambled to escape. Her voice, more of a distressed yell, escaped before she could find control. “Stop! Get your hands off me!”

His eyes widened at the abrupt end to the kiss and her violent reaction. His mind raced to understand what happened. The blissful haze of the kiss cleared and he saw her hands around her neck as she gasped for air. He realized what happened, what prompted the violent reaction. “I’m sorry, Clarisse. I didn’t think. I was caught up in the moment.”

Taking a deep breath to collect herself, her hands dropped to her side and she pulled herself to her full height. Blinking, to keep the tears from falling, she found her voice. “It is I who should be apologizing. I let the terror invade my thoughts once again. I know you would never hurt me, but when you touched my neck..." Her hands covered the area where his had rested only moments before. "I could feel my throat tightening; the memory…the fear…was more than I could manage.” Desperate to reassure him, she took his hands in hers. “I promise there was only enjoyment prior to that.” She forced a soft smile from the pit of terror she’d landed in and whispered, "I've missed sharing kisses with you."

Lifting her hand, he kissed it gently on the back. His eyes closed, the emotion of both the pleasure and pain he’d just been responsible for overwhelming him and making it difficult to speak. His voice was hoarse with emotion as he spoke softly. “Me too.”

After this failed attempt, he no longer worried about when they might try again, but rather if…

 

^^C/J^^

**_Monday, December 8_ **

**_Joint Session_ **

After the weekend, Clarisse waited with Joseph for Dr. Weston to arrive. Opening the door the doctor smiled to himself at the progress the couple had made. Joseph was in his usual spot, resting against the arm of the couch but Clarisse now sat next to him. Upon further examination he realized they were holding hands.

"Good Morning. You two are looking more comfortable with one another. So tell me. How was your movie night?"

"Terrible." Joseph began. One word, quick to the point but softened by his thumb rubbing circles on the back of Clarisse's hand.

Looking quite bewildered, Clarisse added. "I wouldn’t say terrible, Joseph. I thought we had a wonderful evening together."

Joseph stood and took a few steps away from her. "Wonderful? You thought I was trying to hurt you when we kissed."

The Doctor kept his face passive. "You kissed? I take it by Joseph's reaction it didn’t go well?"

Clarisse lowered her head. "I reacted badly. I wanted to be kissed and I was enjoying myself until…”

“Until what?” The doctor prompted.

“Until we got carried away and his hand slid to my throat. My control was lessened because I…” she blushed. “The memories were too much. I panicked and pushed him away."

"It's my fault entirely." Joseph’s deep voice interrupted.

"How so, Joseph?"

"If I’d never taken her away that weekend none of this would be happening now." He rubbed his hands roughly over his face. "I couldn’t stop those bastards from choking her then and now..." He couldn't bring himself to finish as a lump formed in his throat.

Standing, Clarisse closed the distance them. Lacing her fingers with his she brought their combined hands to rest over her heart, her eyes never breaking contact with his. She turned her back to the doctor and whispered where only he could hear. “We’ve already established going away together alone wasn’t to blame for what happened. You must let that go, Joseph. The guilty parties have been dealt with. We must move forward. We can overcome my fears and your guilt as long as we work together."

The heart from her body permeated his, warming his cold soul. The strong beating of her heart comforted and eased the frantic beating of his. She was so strong…so beautiful. If she wouldn’t give up, neither would he. "You’re right. It’s so hard to let go of the anger.” He lifted their joined hands to place a gentle kiss on the tips of her fingers. His attention reluctantly moved away from her back to the doctor. “It was a lovely evening. I’m just frustrated that every time we take one step forward, we end up two steps back."

Clarisse nodded. "Agreed, but at least we're taking those steps forward and eventually, we'll arrive wherever we are meant to be. Wherever we would've been..."

Clearing his throat, the Doc intervened on her downward spin. "Perhaps we could continue this conversation on the couch?"

Clarisse dropped her hand, the realization of how much work lay ahead of them dimmed her spirits somewhat. She knew he was right, progress was slow and it was her holding them back. She looked at the Doctor. "I'm not sure what else to do. I want to be able to move forward, but each step is so hard."

 "I don't want you two to become discouraged at the progress you are making. The nature of your roles in the public eye is forcing you to deal with matters much quicker than someone who could handle everything privately. You have appearances you must keep up and, as such, your time table is being forced more than would normally be recommended.”

Clarisse observed Joseph’s head nodding, even as hers did the same. The upcoming holiday season, celebrations and family arriving would require a great deal of nerve to face head-on without letting anyone be the wiser to what had transpired. Secrets were hard to keep. _Very hard indeed._

The doctor continued. “Both of you have shared a great deal and overcame tremendous obstacles to be where you are today. You must remain positive. With each setback you learn a little more about the other and with those lessons you will learn how to move forward without setting off a trigger. You might not view that as progress, but I certainly do."

Clarisse took her seat on the couch, joined by Joseph. "I know we…I’ve made some progress as being touched isn’t quite as traumatic for me now." Fear crawled from the pit of her stomach toward her brain, her eyes closed. She didn’t want them to see her pain. "I confess to being nervous about what might come later, though."

"That’s understandable. You suffered a great deal of emotional and physical trauma. It stands to reason that as your encounters become more intimate, the fear will be greater."

Grabbing the pillow, Clarisse sought to organize her thoughts. "I fear I may never be able to put the images of those other men and what they did to me...to us...out of my head."

 "Joseph, do you share the same fears?"

Shifting slightly in his seat, Joseph weighed the question in his mind before answering. "Taking that next step with Clarisse has been something I’ve dreamed of doing for so long now. But the events of that weekend…when it was forced upon me...us, changed things.”

At his words, Clarisse looked up. She opened her mouth to speak, but Dr. Weston cut in. “Tell me how it changed things.”

“Before, I’d imagined how things might be between us. Of course, that weekend robbed me of those fantasies. I was—am—ashamed at how my body physically reacted during those times, when the emotional side knew everything about this was so very wrong. She deserves so much better. I fear hurting her again, of not being able to control myself. Most of all,” He turned to look at Clarisse. “I'm afraid you'll hate me afterwards."

Those damnable tears threatened again. She hated being so emotional and hated those three men for taking the beautiful relationship she had with Joseph and tarnishing it. She shook her head, "I could never hate you, Joseph. And, please know that if I should react badly to you, it's not really you, but rather nightmares assaulting me that I am trying to fight off. Perhaps when I'm emotionally stronger, I can fight harder. Until then, I can only ask for your patience and forgiveness."

He caught the tear that slipped from the corner of her eye with his thumb and slowly wiped it away. "You will never need my forgiveness and I am a very patient man, especially when it comes to you. I just want to be a part of your life."

"You both know and understand what stands in your way—the nightmares from that weekend. You both have mentioned during our therapy sessions about the significance of the loss of control. I sense this is the biggest battle you have to fight—to allow yourselves to let go and not have control. You must continue to work together on the intimacy issues, however, spending some of your alone time in preparation should assist you as well.”

“Not sure I follow your meaning, Doc.” Joseph’s face scrunched up as he tried to get the doctor’s meaning.

Dr. Weston realized immediately how sensitive this subject and his plan were and didn’t want to have setbacks to their progress. “Our session is almost done, but I’d like to speak to each of you individually about this. Joseph, perhaps I can escort you outside the room and share with you and then I’ll come back in and finish up with Clarisse?”

She shot an alarmed look at Joseph and then at the doctor, unease coating her nerves and twisting her face into a grimace. “I thought we were going to work through everything together.”

He smiled. “Please indulge me this one time, Clarisse. Trust me that it’s for the best. Please?”

She didn’t like it, not one bit. After all the private matters they’d discussed, what in the world could he need to say to her…to Joseph that needed to be done in private? She did, however, trust him. “Only this once.”

Dr. Weston stood and gestured toward the door for Joseph. “Thank you. I’ll be back in a few moments.”

Once outside, Joseph turned on him. “What the hell is this about? What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to make sure that when the time is upon you, you’ll be ready. Should you get to that point in intimacy and you’re not sure you’re ready, it could be a huge emotional blow to Clarisse and the setback could cost you months.” Dr. Weston reached out and touched Joseph’s arm. “Man to man, I think you know what I mean by this.”

His face heated, embarrassed by the turn of the conversation. Yet he knew the Doc was right to talk to them separately about this. “And if I can’t?” He was still worried the combination of the physical and emotional trauma might be more than his mind and body could overcome.

Dr. Weston nodded, he understood Joseph’s fears. “Then I need you to tell me right away so we can determine if the cause is physical or not.”

Joseph turned and pressed his forehead against the cool wall. “Damn it all, Doc. This is crazy. I just want to be with her and forget this whole nightmare.”

Before he could answer, Joseph turned and raised his hand and sighed. “I know. I know. Not possible. Doesn’t mean I can’t wish for it.”

“One day at a time, Joseph. Call me if you need to talk, okay?”

“Okay. Good luck with Clarisse. You know she’s not going to take this well.”

The doctor smiled, “I’m going to be positive.”

Joseph shrugged and walked away. He was positive he would hear about this later. Or…maybe he wouldn’t. He wasn’t sure he could envision Clarisse talking to him about such a private matter.

Dr. Weston stepped back in the room. Clarisse stood and turned toward him. “That didn’t take long.”

He gestured toward the couch. “Please, sit. May I join you?”

Clarisse sat at the end of the couch and gestured to the opposite side. “Please.” Her mind had been racing trying to figure out what possible exercise he would suggest, sending her straight into a maddening crescendo of anxiety. “Please sit and share what your idea is.”

“We talked during your private sessions about the control issues.”

She bristled, already not liking where the conversation was headed. “I recall.”

“Then you recall that this is an area where we have to find a compromise between the control you must exhibit in your professional life and the control you must release in your personal life.”

“I’m trying.” She fought to keep the frustrated tone out of her voice, not entirely certain she’d succeeded. “So what am I to do to help prepare myself for what the future may hold?”

“You must find a way to be comfortable on that personal level. When we are intimate with another person, in order to experience the ultimate in pleasure those encounters offer, we must let go of our control. You need to find a safe environment to do that. For the moment, I think that safe environment is by yourself, wherever you’re most relaxed.”

Clarisse’s face heated as the blush covered her cheeks as she began to understand his meaning. "I’m not sure I can do that."

 “Have you ever taken steps to…lose control by yourself? Perhaps while the King was away for an extended time?" He hated asking such personal questions, but the problems his two patients faced right now were of a very personal nature.

The crimson blush spread from her face down her neck and to her chest. "I...no, not really." She resumed her favorite hobby from the earlier sessions by playing with the fringe on the pillow. "Must we speak about this...now? I can’t even kiss him yet without being terrified."

Taking a breath, he pressed on. "I'm merely trying to offer you a suggestion that will help you overcome your fears for when the timing is right."

 "Well, then I shall take your suggestion under advisement and ask that we move on." Seriously, the man had lost his mind. Even if she were to entertain such a notion, he couldn't expect her to discuss it with him. She was very thankful he’d asked Joseph to leave the room before they had this discussion. At least the stress of all of this hadn’t gotten to him completely. _Though it threatens to overwhelm me…_

 "Clarisse, you need to decide what is more important to you—your own sense of propriety or your desire to find intimacy with Joseph again. Joseph is a proud man and, when the time comes, he’ll want to be sure you are taken care of.” He decided to use the same logic for her as he did Joseph. He knew each of his patients always thought of the other before themselves. “Consider what an emotional blow it will be to him if you don’t experience the ultimate goal in pleasure. Even if it’s not technically his fault, you know Joseph. He will assume the responsibility.”

She hung her head. He was right. She’d already put Joseph through so much and she knew how much he wanted them to find their connection again and to explore all that togetherness had to offer, both emotionally and physically. “Yes, he would.”

Repeating the gesture he used with Joseph, he lightly touched her arm. “I know this is difficult. Start slowly. Find a safe fantasy or thoughts to keep your mind away from the events of that weekend. Work your way up to whatever level you feel comfortable, keeping your end goal in mind.”

She sighed heavily and finally brought her gaze to meet his. “For Joseph, I will try.”


	16. Her Calm in the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarisse and Joseph try to take some steps forward in their relationship as well as preparing for the upcoming Christmas season. Under the watchful eye of the public, their performance has to be flawless. Can they handle the pressure and challenges in both their private and professional lives?

**Chapter Sixteen: Her Calm in the Storm**

_Wednesday, December 10 - 3:30 am_

Charlotte stepped into the hallway of the dimly lit palace and walked, shoes held firmly in her hand, to the kitchen. She didn’t want to wake the staff, but she was in desperate need of coffee. It was early, technically what most people would consider the middle of the night. She had managed to keep the nightmares at bay while she served as nursemaid to her friend and queen. But now…now that she was no longer needed in that capacity, she had nothing to distract her. As a result, the demons visited her dreams more often than she cared to admit leaving her restless and unable to sleep.

She almost dropped her shoes at the sight of the queen sitting at the kitchen table. “Good morning ma’am. I didn’t expect anyone else to be up.”

“Good morning, Charlotte. You’re up early.” Clarisse smiled softly over her teacup before taking a sip, her eyes closing as a look of calm settled over her features.

Not wanting to share about the nightmares from what she witnessed the day Clarisse and Joseph were rescued, Charlotte decided to skirt the truth as much as possible in an effort to protect her friend. “I have a few things to take care of this morning before we officially get started.” Her keen eyes viewed the dark circles, fatigue that not even tea could cure, and decided to move the focus away from her problems and back to Clarisse’s. “Are you alright?”

Their eyes locked for the briefest of moments, saying and sharing more than their words would allow. “Take whatever time you need, dear. I’m up because I was hoping to catch Joseph grabbing his coffee before he made his morning rounds.”

Looking at the delicate gold watch on her wrist, a gift from the queen on her eighteenth birthday, Charlotte confirmed the hour—3:30 in the morning. “That might not be for several hours. Would you like me to ring his room for you?”

Sitting her teacup down, Clarisse shook her head. “No, thank you. That’s not necessary. I’ll see him at some point today. I can discuss it with him then.” She smiled at the young woman, wanting to protect her from the truth. She’d been through so much and spent many nights worrying. Clarisse didn’t want her to know she still couldn’t sleep.

The problem this time was not the nightmares, those had lessened somewhat. No, tonight, she kept thinking about Joseph and if they _could_ really overcome all that they’d endured at Lester and the other men’s hands. Her heart was begging her fix the situation, but her mind kept reminding her that it would take time.

Grabbing a cup from the cabinet, Charlotte waited as the aroma of the percolating coffee filled the room seeping into her pores giving her instant alertness.  “I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you two seem to have made a lot of progress together…with the dancing, I mean. I’m glad things are getting easier for you.”

Charlotte grabbed the pot of coffee and poured herself a cup before turning back towards Clarisse. “Do you think you’re at a place where you can try dancing with someone besides Joseph?”

Clarisse knew she would have to eventually dance with others as the timeline for the ball narrowed. _Was she ready? Could she actually dance with different men all night?_ “That was one of the things I was hoping to talk to Joseph about. I think I would like to try dancing with Sebastian first. Since he’s aware of our situation, he would be an ideal candidate. Perhaps you can see if he is able to join me one day this week?”

“Certainly ma’am.”

Placing her teacup back on the saucer, Clarisse stood from the table and placed her dishes in the sink. “I think I’m going to try to sleep a bit a more before Olivia comes to wake me for the day. I’ll see you at our normal time?”

“Yes ma’am, I’ll see you then.”

**_Later that Day_ **

The soft strands of the orchestra were fading away as Joseph slowed his steps with Clarisse. Her warmth in his arms redefined heaven for him. His hands in hers, the scent of her perfume filling his senses, the inhale and exhale of her breath…he could easily lose himself simply from being near her. His eyes closed to shut out the darkness of reality. He’d almost lost her. The clicking of heels and soft rap on the large door to the ballroom alerted him to Charlotte’s presence.

Stepping back to a respectable space, Joseph smiled softly, enjoying the dreamy look on her face before his strong voice echoed in the room. “Enter.” 

Charlotte opened the door allowing both Shades and Sebastian to enter. As the queen requested, Charlotte had reached out to Sebastian regarding a private dance practice. As luck had it, he’d been available this evening so she’d made the arrangements. Shades joined them to provide an extra set of eyes as they danced. Everyone realized, without it being said, that in just a few weeks, the eyes of her countrymen would be watching every twist and turn the queen made.

Taking a deep breath Clarisse mentally prepared herself for this next step. _I can do this. I MUST do this. Duty demands nothing less. Just focus on the steps not the person._ Convinced she could move forward she stepped over to Sebastian. “Shall we?”

“It would be my honor, ma’am.”

In the traditional dancer’s pose, they began to move to the music. Clarisse had been focusing solely on the steps, reciting them over in her head as to not think about anything else until Sebastian missed a step and grunted as he grasped her tighter to prevent his fall. The moment his hot breath hit her face and the feeling of being restrained flooded her mind, panic sliced through her nerve endings unraveling all of her carefully constructed control. Flashes of Rich’s sweaty hands, stale breath and primal grunting held her mind captive, robbing her of the ability to remain calm.

Joseph watched as Sebastian stumbled and the resultant fear wash over Clarisse. Instinct surged and he stepped away from the others to move toward her. After only two steps, his line of sight was cut off by another distressed woman – Charlotte. Her hands touched his forearm; he could feel the slight trembling. “Joe, let’s give her a moment. We need to let her try to handle this on her own. She needs to know if she can handle a partner’s mistake.”

His body vibrated with fear and the strong desire to run to her side. It was HIS job to protect her, dammit. He needed to be the one…for so many reasons. He nodded slightly, but the moment he thought the situation needed his help, he was there – Charlotte or not.

He turned his attention back to the dancers. Shades stepped closer, probably to make sure he didn’t bolt. Charlotte’s hand remained on his arm, either to offer comfort or an attempt to restrain him. Either way, if he decided to get to Clarisse, he wouldn’t be stopped again.

“Your Majesty, please forgive me. My shoe slipped and I missed the step.” Sebastian immediately righted himself and provided some distance between their bodies. His face blanched when he saw her ghostly pallor and the clouds in her blue eyes. Not wanting to further upset her, he stopped himself from reaching out to touch her. Instead, he whispered. “I’m so sorry, ma’am. Can I get you some water?  Anything?”

Clarisse clenched her fists tightly and used measured breaths, willing her heart rate to slow. _I’m safe. He meant no harm. It was an accident._ Hearing his whispered apology, she opened her eyes. “These things happen. I didn’t…I couldn’t react quickly enough to compensate.”  She really was out of practice.

“Would you like to try again?” Sebastian offered quietly, shooting a quick glance to the three onlookers.

Clarisse licked her dry lips. She needed to try again, but her nerves were shot. Before she could decide, a warm presence joined them. “May I have the next dance?”

Joseph’s deep, comforting voice reached in to the fear and grounded her. This was what she needed – one dance with Joseph and then maybe she could try again. She looked to Sebastian, “Give me a few moments and then we’ll try again?”

He bowed slightly, “Of course, Your Majesty.”

A moment later he’d moved to stand next to Charlotte and Shades and she was in Joseph’s arms once again. They resumed the steps and her breathing returned to normal. Joseph had always been able to calm her. Even at the height of her greatest distress, something about his presence reassured her all was not lost. She tilted her head slightly to find his eyes watching her carefully, a small smile on his face the moment their gazes locked. “You’re okay,” he whispered. “I’m here.”

She nodded and focused on the safety she found with him as they finished the dance. He kissed the back of her hand and held it out to Sebastian indicating it was time for him to try again.

When the other man got within hearing distance, Joseph stepped closer and offered in a low growl. “I hope you took the time to clean your shoes. Don’t let it happen again.”

Sebastian swallowed and nodded and prayed the next three minutes didn’t result in him being on the receiving end of Joseph’s anger or…worse yet…his fist.

^^C/J^^

**_Friday, December 12_ **

Joseph smiled across the table at Clarisse. “I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, but you look very beautiful tonight, radiant even.”

Her face heated as the blush spread across her ivory cheeks, matching the red of her silk blouse. “Well, Christmas will be upon us soon and red is one of my favorite colors.”

He nodded and put his fork down. “My compliments to the chef, the lobster bisque was wonderful tonight and the chocolate cake was so rich. I’m glad I had coffee to help with the sweetness.”

Clarisse laughed, “I swear the man is trying to fatten us up.”

Not wanting to send what had been a perfect evening in a direction they’d been studiously avoiding, Joseph didn’t share that they both could stand to put a few pounds back on. Clarisse had lost at least one dress size, if not two since the incident a couple months ago. His belt had been tightened at least a notch or two as well. “Well, I’ll never turn down chocolate cake, ever.”

“Would you like some more coffee?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I would like to dance with you, though. If you’re up to it.”

Her gaze held his. They’d been dancing without incident for over a week. It had come to be their preferred method of closeness—a safe method, they’d learned.  Nodding, she stood and made her way to the CD collection. “Would you like to choose?”

The heat from his presence behind her created equal amounts of excitement and fear. Desperately, she wanted to be able to return to that place in time where the butterflies in her stomach were for the right reasons.

“If you don’t mind, I’d love to select. I’ve been listening to music from The Phantom of the Opera today and The Music of the Night has been speaking to me.”

Despite his nearness, she turned and smiled softly. “And what has it said?”

His voice, deep and resonating, quoted from the song. “Close your eyes, start a journey through a strange new world.  Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Close your eyes and let the music set you free. Only then can you belong to me.”

Joseph opened his eyes, not even realizing he’d closed them as her hand cupped his cheek. The gesture warmed him. “Oh, Joseph. That is so beautiful. Yes, let’s dance to that. Being set free would be a blessing.” _Belonging to him, even better._

The music started and they moved to their makeshift dance floor: His hand in hers, the other on her waist, the proper amount of space between them. Clarisse followed his lead with practiced ease. She noticed his eyes were again closed. She knew he felt each note and word.

_“Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender.”_

Closing her eyes, she focused on nothing but the music and Joseph’s lead.  For her, there was no one else in the world at the moment. As the music swelled, Joseph twirled her around and back into his arms and held her still. “Only then can you belong to me,” he whispered.

Resuming their movements, eyes now open, Clarisse savored each sensation. No fear--only the power of the music flowing in and around them.  Images of countless dances they’d shared and the joy that came from moving as one filled her, forcing a small measure of light into the darkness of her soul.  For the first time since that fateful weekend, she relaxed and truly enjoyed herself.

Joseph sensed the subtle shift and smiled brightly as they spun effortlessly around the dance floor. As the song came to an end, he stopped and held her close…but not too close. “You alone can make my song take flight.”

She cupped his cheek and answered in time with the song, “Help me make the music of the night.”

The music faded and he couldn’t help himself. “May I kiss you again?”

Euphoria from the dance still lingered and she wanted to try…needed to try again. “Please.”

The CD had been set to repeat and Joseph waited for the lyrics to prompt him…

_Slowly, gently…_

His lips touched hers tentatively and slid first to one corner, then the other, applying a slight pressure.  Her hand on his cheek slid to his shoulder and pulled him closer. He knew he needed to control his hands to avoid a repeat of their last attempt. They remained at her waist and he vowed to himself they would stay there.

_Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you…_

Clarisse focused on the feel of Joseph’s lips against hers and returned the kiss, pulling him closer. This was how it was supposed to be. The butterflies took flight and lightened her spirit and limbs as she allowed herself to drown in his kiss. She angled her head slightly and heard a soft moan as their connection deepened. His mouth moved over hers and tugged at her bottom lip drawing her even further into him. His tongue swept across her teeth and teased hers.

_Sweet intoxication…_

Joseph pulled away slightly, relieved he’d felt no fear from her and she’d responded to the kiss. She smelled of roses and the need to taste her skin nearly overwhelmed him. From the back of his mind, he knew he needed to proceed with caution—neither was ready for the loss of control yet. “I would like to kiss your neck…if you think…well, I don’t want…” He was ruining their Hallmark moment as he fumbled over his words.

“Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation…” She whispered, quoting the song. “I trust you enough to try.” To support her statement, she angled her neck giving permission.

His lips on her cheek and a nibble on her ear turned her knees to jelly. She held him closer even as his grip on her waist tightened to offer support. The kisses fell across her skin like a soft gentle rain, the light pressure just enough to heighten and not frighten. “Mmmm…” she managed as his lips finished their downward descent.

His hands left her waist and circled, pulling her into his embrace. “Thank you,” he whispered. “You tasted just as I imagined, the sweet nectar of the most delicate rose.”

Holding him close, she savored the comforting strength of his embrace. It felt so good to be held by him again. _And to not be held by the demons that always lurk in the shadows._ “Thank you for picking such a beautiful song. I think I shall continue to listen to it as I fall asleep tonight.”

Joseph nodded. The night had been perfect and, more importantly, had given him hope they might find their way back to each other again. The words of instruction from the Doc earlier in the week fired at him, reminding him he had work to do to be ready for when that moment was upon them. He kissed her gently again before reluctantly pulling away. He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed the back. “When can I see you again?”

She grinned, “Are you going somewhere tomorrow?”

His smile joined hers. “You know what I mean.”

“Maybe we can have dinner Sunday evening? After that, I fear things are going to get a little hectic with all the holiday activities.”

He nodded, “Sounds good, though I hate that the holidays will mean less time together especially when we are making some good progress.”

Clarisse thought of the individual homework assignment Dr. Weston had given her and wondered if Joseph had received similar instructions. Some time to find the courage to do as he asked might be a good thing. “Slow and steady wins the race. I’m not going anywhere.”

He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. “Neither am I. Thank you again for a wonderful evening.”

She cupped his cheek and let her thumb slide along his lips. “Thank you for the kiss.”

***

As the door closed, Clarisse transferred the CD into her bedroom player and put the song on repeat. It was still too early to sleep, but she had other matters to attend to.  She washed her face and went through her nightly routine humming along with the song and holding on to the pleasant sensations.

The satin of her pajamas slid easily between the sheets. She’d always favored satin and indulged in that particular perk of her position more so than any other luxury offered her by her title. Drawing in a deep breath, she closed her eyes and listened to the music.

_Silently the senses, abandon their defenses…_

The tip of her finger slid across her mouth, still moist from her drink of water, lips parting as the memory of Joseph’s kiss tingled in each nerve ending.  Another deep breath as she imagined the kiss deepening even further…sensual abandon…losing herself to his kiss.

_Touch me, trust me…savor each sensation_

Her fingers slid across her cheek and down the column of her throat, slipping in the vee of her night shirt. Small circles on the gentle swell of her breasts created sparks of electricity radiating to the tips. She licked her lips as her hand slid lower to cup and support the weight. Her fingers making slow circles around the enervated buds.

_Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind…_

Sensation built as she continued her efforts, the warm tingling spreading from her chest slowly--lower and lower. Her back arched as her thighs pressed together to relieve the growing ache.  Pulling oxygen in faster as her movements quickened. Her mind being seduced by the sensations, lowering carefully constructed barriers.

_Let the dream begin…let the darker side give in…_

Needing better access, her fingers trembled as she unhooked the top few buttons. A barrier crumbled…Rich’s fingers replaced hers as his thick digits began, with painstaking slowness, to undo each button on the cotton blouse she’d worn that fateful day.

Her fingers stilled, eyes closed tighter fighting off the demons. A few calming breaths later, she decided to forgo the rest of the buttons. Instead her fingers trailed lower toward the apex of her thighs. A gentle caress brought her mind back to Joseph… How would it feel if he touched her there? _You know already… He’s touched and tasted you…_

Not wanting to give up, she continued stroking herself through the satin prompting the coil deep within her body to tighten. Her hips moved slowly in counterpoint to her touch, pleasure filling her at a gradual pace.  _Scream his name. Let him know he’s pleased his Queen._

Lester’s voice in her head caused her to jerk her hand away and sit up in bed, gasping for air as her heart pounded violently in her chest. “Damn that man!”

_In the dark, it is easy to pretend._

She lay back down and pulled her pillows close, hugging them tightly. Her first attempt did not go well. She gave herself points for even trying, but the same doubts lingered. How could she ever let those barriers in her mind down and experience pleasure again without remembering the violations? Joseph was a patient man, but she knew from firsthand experience, he was a skilled lover. A man that good in bed would not be content with a relationship that wasn’t physical.

Squeezing the pillow even tighter, she prayed for sleep to come. Prayed for the demons to leave. Prayed she would survive all of this with her heart and soul intact

**Joseph’s Suite**

Joseph whistled the tune softly to himself as he poured a measure of his favorite scotch. Tonight had been the best night he’d had in a long time. The feel of Clarisse’s soft lips, the hint of her tea as his tongue tasted the warm cavern of her mouth, her yielding body pressed against his as he experienced the gentle curve of her neck.

Those thoughts stirred his imagination and his body followed in line with a tightening in his groin. “No better time than the present to work on the Doc’s exercise.”  He swallowed a generous amount of the scotch and quickly undressed.  Moving to the bathroom, he turned on the shower and waited for the water to warm.  As he moved to grab a towel to put on the hook, he caught sight of his back in the mirror. The evidence of Rich’s beating and Jason’s whip still marred his flesh. The bruises were slowly fading, but the deep gashes of the whip still red and angry. The doc wasn’t worried about infection anymore. Joseph worried about how Clarisse would react when she saw them.

How would he react when he saw hers? Though she wasn’t whipped as hard or long as he had been, there was no doubt her skin was marred as well. She would still be beautiful…she was a timeless and classic beauty that went far deeper than outward appearance. She said she didn’t blame him, but when the moment was upon them…would she blame him for the scars or, even worse, not let him see her skin?

Not wanting to travel that path, he stepped under the warm spray, willing it to wash away the negative thoughts. He focused on her smile as he twirled her in time to the music. _That’s better…_   The red satin blouse, so soft under his touch…yet not even close to the satin feel of her skin under his lips. He remembered the moan of satisfaction escaping his carefully guarded control as she moved closer…wanting to touch him. His hand slid down his stomach to his arousal. Beginning with slow strokes, he recalled the soft pillow of her breasts when they hugged…the curve of her lower back leading to the firmness of her bottom.  Increasing the pace, he focused on the parts of her body he’d fantasized about the last few years.

His fantasies wouldn’t travel past a couple months, though, stopping two months ago to that fateful day in the warehouse. Under Lester’s watchful eye, he knelt before her and cupped her sexy bottom as his tongue tasted her for the first time. _You enjoyed it…you sick bastard. She was cuffed and helpless…and you enjoyed it._

Stroking harder, not wanting to lose the moment…he tried to block out the image. _Then you escorted her to the bed where another fantasy played out…You had sex with her while she was tied to the bed._

That did it…he felt the hardness disappear in his grip. Leaning against the back of the shower, he slowed his breathing and fought the urge to bang his head against the unforgiving wall. How could he shut those memories out when it was only the circumstances, not the act itself, he found repulsive? What did that say about him?

He turned the water off and slipped into his terry-cloth robe, letting it absorb the moisture and saving him the trouble. The scotch was there waiting for him and would ease the pain…or at least mask it until…

He sighed…until he could talk to Doc about this. Definitely a conversation he didn’t want to have, but knew without a doubt he would need to if he was ever going to find a way to get past this. And, he would have to get past this to ever have the pleasure of physically loving Clarisse again.

 


	17. Worth Waiting For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarisse and Joseph continue a few date nights before Christmas and the arrival of the Princess. Things are looking good on the outside, but the demons are still lurking just below the surface. Are they experiencing the calm before the storm?

**Chapter Seventeen: Worth Waiting For**

**Sunday December 14**

Clarisse felt warm and content snuggled against Joseph's side as they watched some random movie play out on the screen in front of them. She couldn't remember the name of the movie if her kingdom depended on it, only that Joseph's arm around her and their legs next to each other on the outstretched ottoman felt so right and good.  
   
Joseph hoped that Clarisse didn't want to discuss the movie when it was finished because ever since she had snuggled in close all he could concentrate on was the sweet smell of her hair and how utterly perfect they fit together. With his arm draped around her shoulder he drew slow circles on her arm.  
   
She inhaled his spicy scent, the fragrance infusing her senses and making her want more. They'd been doing so well and, as they admitted on their last date, the holidays would allow precious time for their continued work on their relationship. Reaching a hand across his body, she turned further into his embrace, her hand resting on his solid chest. The solid beating of his heart both calmed and excited her.

She tilted her head up and placed a gentle kiss on his stubbled jaw, the roughness a contrast to the smoothness of her lips. She felt him inhale as she continued her leisure exploration of his face and neck.

Joseph closed his eyes as Clarisse's delicate hand smoothed across his chest. Surely she heard his heart speed up as his desire for her increased. Her lips felt as soft as cashmere as they explored his neck and jawline. Releasing the breath he didn't realize he’d been holding, he turned his head slightly, tilting her head up with his free hand, capturing her lips in a fiery kiss as his arms pulled her soft body closer. The movie was long forgotten as one kiss turned to two, then three.

 _Oh God this feels so good_. Clarisse's hand moved around his waist and held him even closer. The pounding of his heart reverberated through her chest as his tongue slid across her lips, asking to deepen the kiss. Her lips parted, inviting him in...the taste of his evening coffee with a splash of brandy washed over her taste buds.

Part of her wanted to feel even closer to him...part of her still feared what might happen. The position of their bodies allowed her more freedom to move and kept the demons at bay. Breaking the kiss and quickly gasping in needed oxygen, she returned to their connection by placing hard kisses along his neck.

Joseph wasn't sure what prompted Clarisse to be so bold but at this moment, he really didn't care. It had been so long since he had felt her lips on his skin. Each nip and touch of her tongue sent a wave of warmth through his body. With their arms still wrapped around one another Joseph took a chance and reclined back against the arm of the sofa pulling Clarisse gradually on top of him as he made his descent.

The movement startled Clarisse and she halted her activity for a moment. Looking down at Joseph, she saw the love in his eyes...the need. His muscled body supporting her as their position now lent itself to intimacy. Intimacy she wasn't sure she was ready for. Her body practically screamed to resume the touching, but her mind scurried amongst the memories - both good and bad - vying for attention. Her heart...well, her heart just wasn't sure what the best course of action was. She bent her head to place a kiss on his chest before capturing his gaze again. "I'm worried what might happen should we keep moving forward."

Closing his eyes, Joseph had been afraid his action would break the mood. It was, however, a chance he had to take. He desired Clarisse more than any other woman he’d ever met. Lowering his head, he placed a tender kiss on the blonde strands now mussed in beautiful disarray as she rested against his chest. _She's not pulling away...that's a good sign_. "We don't have to continue, I'm perfectly happy just holding you. Though, I would be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying myself." His hands rubbed her back in a soothing motion as she remained snuggled against his chest.

She knew exactly how he felt. She'd been enjoying herself as well. The scared woman in her was afraid of the proverbial shoe dropping. She was wise enough to know the challenges were far from over. Allowing herself to be held by him a few more minutes, she breathed in and out slowly, savoring the moment. Unable to stall any longer, she reached over him and grabbed the remote to turn the sound down, ignoring the catch in his breath as her body stretched over his. It had been unintentional, but he'd been affected. "I want to be honest with you about where I am with all of this..."

"I'm listening." Those two words were all Joseph could muster as he willed his body, unsuccessfully, not to respond to the brief contact Clarisse had made as she reached for the remote. The feel of her body pressed firmly against his triggered responses no man should be responsible for controlling. He had desperately hoped that she hadn't noticed how the gesture affected him but the blush creeping over her ivory skin told him she was well aware.

"I'm sorry, I..." She knew he understood. A small part of her thrilled that his body could/would still respond to her. "Perhaps we should sit up for this conversation?" Once upright again, she turned toward him, grateful for the dark room so he couldn't see how red her face had become as she considered what she was about to tell him. "I don't know if he said anything to you, but Dr. Weston suggested that I...well, I try to make sure I'd be ready when the time comes for a more intimate encounter." _Why couldn't she just say the words?_

She licked her lips and swallowed. "After our date the other night I tried, but I fear it did not end as I hoped." She took his hand, "I promise to try again, just please be patient."

 _Is she telling me what I think?_ _She is so beautiful when she’s embarrassed_. He squeezed her hand gently. "Dr. Weston mentioned something similar to me as well and like you I also tried after our date...unsuccessful as well." Joseph smiled trying to reassure her that it would be alright. "After all these years you still surprise me. Tonight was totally unexpected. I told you from the very beginning that we would only move at our pace and I meant that. I will never pressure you. We will only forge ahead when we are both ready. Plus, they say the best things in life are worth waiting for and you are certainly the best thing in my life."

Despite everything that had happened in her life...an arranged and loveless marriage, losing a child, and the brutal assault against her and Joseph, she still believed she was the luckiest woman on earth. All of that tied back to the love Joseph shared with her on a daily basis. Whether in performing his job perfectly or the way he showed her in so many ways he cared for and loved her. She knew it to be the reason she could keep moving forward, no matter what happened. She reached up and cupped his cheek, "I love you, Joseph Romero, with all that I am and ever will be. No one else has ever made me feel as loved as you have. It's always been you."

**Monday, December 15**

After his conversation with Clarisse, Joseph knew he needed to find a way to address the issues he encountered while attempting his homework.  His body responded to Clarisse, of that there was no doubt. Last night on the couch demonstrated his ability to rise to the occasion. His concern was what came next. In his solo attempt, his thoughts had taken him down a path of shame and regret…both powerful weapons against a future with Clarisse.  He picked up and dialed the number to the only other person he could talk to about this.

“Hello?”

“Hey Doc, it’s Joe.”

“Hello Joe, how are you?” Dr. Weston was surprised by the call. He’d thought the couple would be happy to have a week free of not having to talk to him. This call could be either very good or very bad.

“I’m not sure.” Joseph hesitated. Now that the moment was upon him, could he be honest. “Are you alone?”

“Yes, my wife and family are out doing some last minute shopping. I’m enjoying a drink in front of the fire.

Joseph sighed, “I’m sorry, Doc. You’ve not had much time off lately and then I call during some relaxation time.”

Putting the drink aside, Doc Weston leaned forward in his chair, his eyes riveted on the dancing flames as he focused on the conversation. “Nonsense. Tell me.”

Joseph paced as he talked, needing to let out some of his nervous energy. “Clarisse and I had a couple of good date nights which led me to try the exercise we spoke of.”

“And?”

“And, it didn’t go as well as I hoped.”

His words focused the doctor even more. “Is there a physical issue causing the problem?”

Remembering the pleasure…the strength of his arousal, Joseph shook his head. “No, not physical.”

“Tell me what happened.” He breathed a sigh of relief. He’d been worried the severe beating Joseph had taken might leave some residual issues.

“When I reached a certain point, I lost it…and not in a good way.”

“Was there a certain thought or series of thoughts that lessened your desire?”

“Guilt over what I’d fantasized about and over what I did to her, even if I was forced. A part of me is sick over that and taunts me every time I think of her in that way.” Joseph sat down heavily in the recliner, the energy gone after his confession.

Doc remembered their earlier conversation when Joseph shared fantasies he’d had of restraining Clarisse as he pleasured her, letting her lose control under his touch. “You aren’t going to like the solution.”

Joseph’s eyes closed as the pounding in his head found a new cadence. He had a pretty good idea what the doc was going to say. “What is your solution?”

“You have to tell Clarisse. Tell her how you pictured her prior to that weekend and how you felt about those events transpiring when someone basically forced you to act out those fantasies.”

He’d imagined telling her…a hundred times, but each time ended with horror and disgust in those beautiful blue eyes. She would think him a sick bastard and would never let him touch her again. “You’re right, Doc.”

His eyes widened at Joseph’s admission. He didn’t think it would be that easy. “I’m glad you understand the importance of telling her.”

“I didn’t say I agreed with that.” Joseph’s voice was terse and agitated.

“Then what am I right about?”

“I don’t like the solution.”

**C/J**

**Thursday, December 18**

Clarisse smiled as Joseph kissed her hand as they parted at the door of her suite. “Thank you, Joseph, for a wonderful evening. She cupped his cheek and slid her thumb along the soft lips that had kissed her just moments before in the car on the way home from the play. They’d attended the musical of the local high school and Charlotte arranged for her to arrive at a private entrance and they left before anyone knew they were there.  She promised the head master she’d make a more public appearance soon, but appreciated him allowing her the privacy to enjoy a quiet evening out after her prolonged “illness.”

Shutting the door, she leaned against the heavy wooden panel and smiled. Kissing Joseph had become so much easier. They were slowly learning the triggers and studiously avoided them. It was only a short-term solution, but it was progress. And, right now…progress was needed in their fight against the demons.

As she prepared for bed, she sighed damning Rupert’s cousin for taking so long to finish the repairs on her bathtub. Her shower was fully functioning but there was no way in hell she was getting in there…the last time she’d tried something went wrong and the cold water…. She shook her head and finished in the bathroom as quickly as possible.

Once settled in bed, she inhaled and exhaled slowly. Should she try the exercise the doc gave her again? Joseph had promised patience, but she found herself wondering if she could find a way past this hurdle. Could she find a way to lose control without sinking into the nightmares?

She thought of Joseph’s gentle kisses, the rising passion they shared, the way he drew her deeper and deeper into his soul with the simplest of gestures. Her hand began a gentle caress of her body as she focused on how she felt wrapped in Joseph’s embrace—hard planes pressed against her soft curves. Strong. Sexy. Safe.

Her movements continued as she imagined his lips dancing over her skin. _His tongue invading my most private sanctum while others watched._ She shuddered and stopped her efforts. “Not again,” she whispered to the empty room. How could she find a way to allow her body to let go while not letting her mind take a path that returned her to violations. Someday she might be able to separate WHY Joseph was intimate with her that weekend from HOW he was. She knew once she could do that, the memories would be reminders of his skill, passion and, most importantly, the love he felt for her. But it was too soon for such a separation.

Instead she focused on the words Dr. Weston had spoken to her, “ _Find somewhere safe…”_ At first she thought he meant where she tried this activity, but now she considered he might have been referring to a safe place in her mind. Other than Joseph, there’d only been one other man she’d willingly been intimate with. Her marriage to Rupert had been mostly about duty, but there had been some occasions when their mutual love for their country had spilled over into the private part of their lives. She closed her eyes and remembered…

_Five years before King Rupert, may he rest in peace, died._

_“Thank you for a wonderful evening, Rupert. The opera was beautiful and the performers were exceptional this year.”_

_His obsidian eyes darkened even further as they drank in the appearance of his wife in the midnight blue dress. “Almost as exceptional as you.”_

_Her blush deepened at the rare compliment. “Thank you, Rupert.”_

_He stepped closer, “Do you have a nightgown in this color?” As he asked, his fingers traced over the neckline, the pads of his fingers lingering over the gentle swell of her breast._

_She nodded, unable to find her voice under the spell he was currently weaving. It was rare when her husband paid her this type of attention and even more so after the heirs had been produced. “Will you put it on and join me in my bedroom? I’ll start a fire and pour some wine if you would do me the honor of sharing my bed tonight.”_

_Fifteen minutes later, she joined him on the massive king size bed. The cool sheets calmed her heated flesh only momentarily. Once his lips paid homage to every inch of her body, the heat in her veins could not be denied. His hand slid between her legs as his tongue sought to explore the warm depths of her mouth. She gasped into his kiss as the pressure steadily built in her abdomen. His whispered words of praise and love caressed her heart as his fingers caressed her body until the hot tingling spread throughout her entire body._

_“Come for me, Clarisse…”_

With one final caress of her fingers, the pleasure won out over the fear and control. Her body trembled as small waves of pleasure washed over her entire body.  It wasn’t an earth shattering release, but a small victory…a step forward.

As her breathing returned to normal, so did her thoughts. The most pressing ? If asked, how would she explain this to Joseph? More importantly…would he understand? And most importantly, if he had to do the same thing to achieve release, who’s face would be in his mind? The last question…bothered her more than she would allow herself to admit.

**Friday December 19- Night before Amelia arrives**

Charlotte looked around the dinner table. She’d arranged for the four of them to have a private dinner to discuss the arrival of the Princess. To any onlooker, the occupants, seated at a table for four, would probably cross some invisible lines of fraternization for the Queen. They all knew, though, the events of that fateful weekend from hell had brought them closer than the typical employee and employer relationship. She was certain there wasn’t anything that one wouldn’t do for the other.

These dinners had started out of necessity, but Charlotte hoped they would continue after the crises had passed. She enjoyed spending this quiet time with her favorite people. They could discuss business or just check in with each other.

After the chocolate cake had been served, Charlotte decided to start the conversation to bring them to the reason they were all here tonight. “Are you excited for Princess Mia’s arrival tomorrow?”

Laying her fork down, Clarisse wiped her mouth and nodded. “Indeed. She’s like a breath of fresh air livening up the palace. I think after the past few months, we all could use a distraction, albeit brief.”

Joseph’s hand slid under the table and came to rest on Clarisse’s knee, squeezing gently in a reassuring fashion. He sent up a silent prayer of thanks that they’d progressed to and perhaps past the point where he could touch her without worrying about a panic attack or a flinch.

“I’m a little disappointed Pierre will not be here to spend Christmas with us. I understand his reasons, though, probably better than anyone. Duty is an ugly mistress sometimes.”

Charlotte glanced over at Shades, trying unsuccessfully to suppress a smile. Their actions caught Joseph’s attention. These two were certainly up to something. He made a mental note to question Shades about it later.

Having finished her dessert, Clarisse placed her napkin on the table and waited for the server to clear the table before speaking. “I hate to bring this up after having such a wonderful meal, but I need to reiterate that while Amelia is in residence, we must do our utmost to keep up appearances. Everything should be status quo. I say this to remind myself most of all. We know how she is. If she notices even the slightest thing amiss, she will not drop it until she knows the truth. She must NEVER know.”

Shades offered a small smile. “Surely, we can keep our secret for a few days. I know Charlotte can keep her busy and with the excitement of the holiday, there will be little time for her to notice anything out of the ordinary or form any suspicions.”

“I hope you are right.” Clarisse smiled halfheartedly.

Turning slightly in his seat so he was angled more toward Clarisse, Joseph moved his hand from her knee and clasped her hand. “Shades is right. We can do this. The sessions with Dr. Weston have been put on hold during Amelia’s visit. I share his confidence we can all remain professional. With giving her first Christmas address, the holiday ball and Christmas itself, she’ll be too busy to bother with the rest of us.” He smiled brightly. “It’s going to be alright, I promise.” He brought her hand to his lips, sealing his promise with a kiss.


	18. A Complicated Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite the normal festivities of the holidays, Clarisse and Joseph still must battle with the demons from that weekend. Can they put them aside long enough to enjoy the brief visit by Pierre and Mia? Will the "kids" notice something is off?

**Chapter Eighteen: A Complicated Christmas**

_DECEMBER 20_

Dr. Weston entered the office for his last session with his primary patients until after the holiday. He noticed a sense of calm surrounding Clarisse. Joseph, on the other hand, had dark shadows under his eyes. It didn’t take a trained psychologist to know he hadn’t spoken to Clarisse about his fantasies and guilt. Not wanting to pressure Joseph at the moment for fear he’d leave the session, he turned his attention to his queen. “Clarisse, I was hoping that we could talk about a subject that we’ve been avoiding since the incident. I’d like to talk further about Jason.”

Shifting away from Joseph, Clarisse closed her eyes for a moment as she weighed the consequences of how this information would impact not only her, but also her relationship with Joseph. _As if my relationship with Joseph wasn’t complicated enough right now…_

Taking a deep breath, she made her decision. “I’d rather not.” She lifted her hand to stop any reply. “Before you say anything…” She turned and looked to Joseph. “I know not knowing is difficult for you, but I need you both to understand that I can’t revisit those painful moments.” _Discussing that night with him would be like ripping a band aid off. Nothing would be hidden, I would be completely exposed…again. I can’t…I won’t do it._

Dr. Weston studied her face. He’d spent years watching her reactions and understood fear was the driving factor in her reluctance to share. He knew this was painful, but also knew she needed to confront this fear if she and Joseph were going to be able to move forward. “Clarisse, I think it’s important for us to discuss this. You’ve been adamant, but the issue isn’t going away. You said it was painful, how so? Mentally, physically, perhaps both?”

His eyes implored her even though hers had now closed. He continued. “From what I do know about Jason, you both have indicated he refused to participate in rape. Am I wrong in my understanding?”  He also wondered if Jason was responsible for the scars on her inner thighs but, as her personal physician and with doctor-patient confidentiality, he couldn’t ask her in front of Joseph.

The times she had reviewed it privately were innumerable. The memory was locked away in the most secret part of her. She squeezed her thighs together at the thought of the hell Jason put her through. He had enjoyed having her at his complete mercy. The scars on her inner thighs burned at the mere thought of that night. The physical pain had been too much, more than she’d ever had to endure in her entire life. And if the pain weren’t bad enough…the humiliation was worse. Thankfully, she’d blacked out and her memory of what happened next was nonexistent. 

“My memory after a certain point is fuzzy and then I blacked out from the pain. What liberties he might have taken after that point, I’m unsure.” Her eyes found his. “And, for that, I am grateful." It wasn’t the whole truth, but the details that remained, she had no intention of discussing with anyone…ever.

A shudder ran through her body thinking of the many nights she’d awakened to the nightmare that was Jason. Not even water could wash away the memory of that night since that, too, had been part of his sick game. Even if she could rid her mind of the memory, her body would always carry his mark. 

Joseph's thumb rubbed gingerly over the palm of her hand, a small gesture but at the moment it was the only reason she remained on the sofa. 

Closing his file, Dr. Weston shifted slightly forward in his chair. "This is a safe place. Nothing you say here will ever leave. I believe I speak for both Joseph and I when I assure you neither of us will think any differently about you once you share. You were the victim."

A quick glance told him her mask was firmly in place. His words were falling on deaf ears. Knowing Clarisse was a student of history, philosophy and loved famous quotes, he tried a different tactic. "If you don't believe me, consider the words of Gerald Jampolsky. He said that when we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear…. When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all.'"

Did the man just tell her he wanted her to forgive Jason? Didn’t he think she wanted to release this fearful past? How dare he sit there and pass judgment on her! Anger filled every pore of her body, consuming her and leaving her legendary control lying useless at her feet once again. Her nostrils flared, eyes flashed and lips pursed together. She stood, shaking her hand free from Joseph's grip, and started pacing the floor behind the sofa like a tiger trapped in a cage.

She inhaled a deep breath which allowed her words to spew from her lips like a volcano releasing her wrath within the confines of the room.  "How dare you sit there and rattle off quotes to me! We established the very first day of my rescue that there is no way you can understand what I went through. I’ve cooperated by attending these sessions and I’m working very hard to get past this hell. You must listen when I tell you I am NOT going to talk about my time with Jason because there is NOTHING to say!”

The realization of her outburst hit her like a ton of bricks bringing her back to the present. Her gaze landed on Dr. Weston. Her voice was still direct, but the tone and volume had softened somewhat. “So please stop asking me.”

Before Dr. Weston could respond, she turned her attention to the other man in the room. "Joseph, I'm sorry but I can't do this today." With those words, Clarisse turned and walked out the door leaving Dr. Weston and Joseph both in shock.   

^^C/J^^

_Several hours later…_

Knocking softly on the door to Clarisse's office, Joseph waited.

“Enter.” One word, strained and forced.

He opened the door, stepped inside and closed it securely behind him. He couldn't help but notice the dark circles she had concealed with makeup that morning along with the tension painfully evident in her shoulders. Stopping just inside the door, he shared. "I just wanted to see how you were. I know this morning was taxing."

She looked up, not surprised Joseph had sought her out. She was a little embarrassed by her outburst and had stayed in her office the remainder of the day, trying to focus on paperwork. "I'm sorry for getting angry. I need both of you to understand I don't want...I am not going to talk about Jason." Her eyes implored him, "Please, Joseph. I need you to support me on this and trust that it's for the best."

Running his hand over his face he moved towards the sofa hoping she would join him. "Clarisse, I have always supported you and I always will. I didn't come here tonight to pry or ask about Jason and what went on, I just needed to make sure you are alright and to let you know I'm here if you want to talk."

His haggard appearance tore at her heart and she moved to sit next to him on the couch, taking his hand. "I know that, Joseph. Truly, I do." She slouched in the cushions and leaned her head against the back, closing her eyes. "I'm not saying there won't come a day when I might share some of what occurred with you and only you. But I'm nowhere near that day at the moment. Right now, those memories are best locked away tightly where they can only do minimal harm to me."

Reaching over Joseph cupped her cheek turning her head slightly towards him. "Look at me for a moment, please. It's been my job for the majority of my life to protect you, to keep you safe from not only others but from yourself as well. I'll concede for now with the hope that in time you'll share part of the burden with me. You are not alone in this and I assure you nothing you share will ever change the way I feel about you. I love you now and forever."

Clarisse blinked back the tears at his confession. She leaned in and kissed him, seeking to convey how much he meant to her. The warmth of his kiss filled her and gave her hope that one day she truly could unburden herself from Jason's hold. "And I love you."

Wrapping his arm around her shoulder, Joseph pulled Clarisse closer so her head was resting over his heart as he ran his fingers through her hair. Several minutes passed as they simply enjoyed the warmth of being wrapped in each other’s arms.

"It's getting late shall I walk you to your suite?"

This. This was where she belonged--in Joseph's arms. She knew it would be a struggle to break free from all of their demons. Surrounded by his love and strength, though, she'd found home.  She knew whatever challenges arose or battles they had to fight, be it internal or external, her home would always be with him. This was where she needed to be.

"I'd like to stay here, like this, for a few minutes, if you don't mind."

He squeezed her a little tighter. “Of course, I don’t mind.”

Being able to hold her like this was something he’d worried initially about. After that weekend, having her in his arms was a privilege he never took for granted. Having her in his arms...asking for more time with him, well that was the best Christmas gift he could ever ask for. "We can stay for as long as you like, there's no hurry."   

She snuggled in closer. "Thank you." She inhaled his scent, a subtle spice that reminded her of a forest on the edge of the ocean. One of her very favorite places in the world.

 

 

**DECEMBER 24**

**Christmas Eve – The Christmas Address from the Palace**

Walking into Mia’s suite, Clarisse couldn’t help but smile and shake her head. It looked as if Christmas had exploded within the walls of her granddaughter’s room. Mia had wasted no time turning her suite into the epitome of Christmas--she was much like her father in that way. Philippe loved Christmas. 

The sight of Mia curled up in bed as the Christmas lights from the tree danced across her face caused Clarisse’s heart to clench. Not only did she remind her so much of Philippe, but also of the missed opportunities. For so long she’d devoted her life to serving the people of Genovia. While most days she enjoyed her job, days like today reminded her of all the birthdays and holidays she had missed out on simply because of her position. Her granddaughter was twenty years old and this was the first time they would spend Christmas, or at least most of Christmas, together as a family.

The rolling of the breakfast cart brought prompted her into action. She sat on Mia’s bed, shaking her gently. “Mia, darling, it’s Christmas Eve. Time to wake up.”

Mia rolled onto her back muttering. “Five more minutes, Gramma.”

“I had pancakes and hot chocolate brought up. I was hoping we could have breakfast together and perhaps discuss the plan for this evening.”

Peeping one eye open, Mia smiled. “Did you say hot chocolate?”

“I did, even made sure they added the peppermint stick you are so fond of.”  Clarisse smiled down at the now more alert princess.

“How could I refuse getting up now? I’ll meet you out there in a few minutes.”

“Don’t take too long we have a rather busy day ahead of us.”

*****

The day passed much too quickly and now the part she feared the most had arrived. Mia knew she needed to stop twirling her hair, but this was her first public address to all of Genovia. How many people was that anyway?  She opted not to try to remember as that wouldn’t help calm her.

Sitting in their respective chairs, Clarisse reached over and took Mia’s hand. “You are going to be fine. I’m right here beside you. I believe in you.”

Mia offered a soft smile and nod. She knew her Gramma would keep her on point, but that didn’t keep the anxiety from churning in her stomach. What if she forgot the words she had practiced over and over again in the mirror as she dressed? Before that thought could take hold in her mind, the camera man got things rolling. “Your Majesties, are we ready to begin?”  

Clarisse glanced at Mia before nodding her head to start the filming.

Mia listened as her grandmother welcomed everyone and thanked them for tuning in. Her words were delivered with the ease and grace expected of the Queen. She noticed, though, that the normal sparkle in her Grandmother’s eyes was missing. Oh she was smiling and doing all the right things…but something was bothering her. Something the camera would miss, but Mia did not. Before she had time to dwell on it any further, she heard her prompt and prayed again the butterflies would quiet long enough for her to do what was expected.

**

Clarisse was absolutely beaming with pride by the time the camera cut off. “You did very well, Amelia. I’m very proud of you.”

“Thanks, Gramma. I’m so glad that’s over now. I’m ready to party at the ball. Time for some dancing!”

At her granddaughter’s enthusiasm, Clarisse’s skin paled and her breath caught painfully in her chest. Though she’d been practicing and they’d formed a game plan, she was still nervous. Their strategy included Joseph being available after every dance in cash she needed a quick moment with him for reassurance or a dance. He grounded her and gave her strength and no one would think anything amiss if she was with him. She needed the break to ensure she could handle whatever might have happened in the previous dance. Three minutes with each partner – that’s all she had to endure before being near Joseph. It was a silly reward system typically used on children, but tonight she needed every possible advantage and incentive she could get.

Mia noticed the slight change in Clarisse expression. “What’s wrong, Gramma? Aren’t you looking forward to dancing, especially with Joe?”

As if on cue, Joseph stepped from the shadows. “Your Majesty, Charlotte just informed me that Olivia is waiting with Paulo to help you prepare for the ball.”

“Thank you, Joseph.”

“Mia, you should probably also head off to prepare.” Clarisse instructed.  As Mia turned to leave, Clarisse called after her with a smile. “Do try and be on time.”

Looking back over her shoulder, she offered a bright smile. “A princess is never late.”

Clarisse hid her smile, but turned to Joseph so Amelia wouldn’t see her amused expression. “I believe she is sassing me again.”

Extending his arm, he winked. “I believe you are correct, ma’am. Shall we?”

 ^^C/J^^

 

**DECEMBER 24 – CHRISTMAS EVE BALL**

 

Standing at the top of the steps waiting to make her entrance, Clarisse wanted nothing more than to turn away from all the glitz and grandeur and return to her room. She wanted to hide…hide from duty, parliament and from herself.  She did allow herself a small sigh as she acknowledged the simple fact that hiding wasn’t an option. She squared her shoulders, held her head high and stepped through the doorway.

Once the introductions were complete, she watched with pride as Amelia took center stage. Sebastian bowed to her which she acknowledged with a nod before he turned to bow to Amelia and extend his hand to offer the dance. With the year of Amelia’s coronation arriving after the holidays, the Princess would have the honor of the first dance. Sebastian and Amelia would start things off and then she and Joseph would join after a respectable time.

As her granddaughter gracefully demonstrated the dance lessons had paid off, she felt Joseph’s hand in hers leading them to join in the dance. Thinking again of the number of men who would be touching her tonight, her heart began to slam against her chest. _Oh no, not now._ This was the worst possible time for an anxiety attack. _Queens do NOT panic._ Despite her strong internal resolve, the noise of the room diminished under the thundering pulse in her ears. Her mouth went dry as she felt every eye in the room burning her skin through the fabric of her dress. Right before she completely lost it, Joseph’s soft, warm lips pressed against the back of her hand before stepping closer to begin the waltz.

“Look at me, Clarisse.”

Momentarily she closed her eyes, swallowing hard to stem the wave of nausea. Was it possible to “feel” other people in the room watching her? Regardless, the memory of other leering eyes robbing her of privacy and decency threatened to consume her. Desperately needing to bury the memory, she forced her lids open and stared into eyes mirroring her own. She saw compassion and love reflecting in their depths. Her hand gripped his tighter and she forced a smile for the benefit of others before softly whispering, “Tell me our story again. Help me forget.”

Smiling, Joseph leaned his head closer and began to whisper the story as they moved in time with the music. After only a few seconds, he sensed some of the tension leaving her body. Not wanting to give Parliament or Elsie Kentworthy cause for gossip, he moved back to the proper position and continued to lead her in the dance, confident the demons were at bay for the moment.

As the dance neared the end, he whispered. “Focus on our first dance together, remember the perfection of the night and that will help make tonight wonderful as well.”

The last strands of the orchestra faded, bringing the customary first dance to an end. Stepping back, he bowed thanking her for the dance and squeezed her hand in reassurance before placing her hand in Sebastian’s for the next dance.  

Clarisse offered a smile while trying to remain calm. _You can do this. It’s only Sebastian…just like we practiced…stay calm._  Sebastian made sure to keep his hands as still as possible not wanting to make this more uncomfortable for her than it already was.  As the orchestra played, Clarisse relaxed as Sebastian moved her around the floor with the ease. Her respite only lasted for a couple minutes as she noticed, out of the corner of her eye, Viscount Mabry approaching. _Please keep walking…don’t stop, please don’t stop._

Sebastian felt Clarisse tense in his arms. He tightened his hold, squeezing her hand gently in way of apology. They both knew there was no way to avoid this. He felt the light tap on his shoulder and recognized the voice straightaway. “May I cut in?”

Knowing there was nothing he could do without drawing unwanted attention, he extended it to the Viscount.  Reluctantly, Sebastian stepped away to find Shelia.

 _Breathe, it’s just three minutes._ Clarisse tried to focus on Joseph’s words to her during their first dance together. _You can’t lose it…smile, nod, move your feet, only two minutes thirty seconds remaining._ The uninterested stares taunted her from the growing crowd. Could they see the Viscount draw her body closer to his? Far too close to be appropriate for this dance. _Damn man! He knows he’s crossing a line._ Her eyes closed to rid her mind of the encroaching demons. His breath fanned across her ear as he spoke in low tones. “Are you alright your Majesty? You aren’t coming down with the flu again are you?”

His words cut straight to her core. _Did he know more than he let on? The Viscount has always taken pleasure in making my life difficult._ The smirk on his face was enough to cause her stomach to churn. “I’m fine Viscount. Thank you for your concern.”  _One minute and you’ll be back in Joseph’s arm…safe._

Standing at the edge of the crowd, Joseph had been watching the dance unfold. Albeit hard, he remained at his post waiting for Clarisse to signal her distress. Joseph’s hands clinched at his side as the Viscount pulled her closer, running his hand down her back as they completed the final steps.

 Stepping out onto the dance floor, Joseph cut in just as the dance ended. He didn’t want to give that snake one moment longer than necessary in Clarisse’s presence. He sure as hell didn’t deserve it. And, if he touched her like that again, filled ballroom or not, he was going to introduce the Viscount’s smug chin to his fist. “Ma’am, may I have a word?” He phrased it as a question although his tone left no room for argument as he extended his arm for her.

Pulling her into a private room, he closed the door behind them. “Are you okay?”  His heart broke at the tears threatening to spill down her face. “Come here.”

As Joseph extended his arms wide, she stepped into his warm embrace relieved his touch served to chase the demons away…demons threatening to expose her during the dance.

“You’re safe and no more dancing with the Viscount tonight.” Looking into her eyes, he saw the flecks of fear recede and the haze of doubt clear as she focused solely on him.

They remained standing in the center of the room for a few more moments as she drew her strength from Joseph. “Will you dance with me when we go back out?”

Joseph placed a kiss on her forehead, “Of course, my dear.” 

Clarisse’s smile spread across her face at the use of the endearment.

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s just been a long time since you’ve called me that…I’ve missed it.”

He kissed her one more time, “Then I shall endeavor to do it much more often.”

“Thank you,” she whispered. “I’m ready to go back now.”

 

**

Standing just inside the doorway, Mia sighed loudly as the door closed behind the last guest. “As much fun as tonight was, I’m glad it has drawn to an end. Finally no more engagements, now we can enjoy the rest of the holiday as a family.”

Clarisse smiled indulgently on the outside, but inside she shared the same excitement over having a few days just to relax and spend time with the most important people in her life. “I think I’m going to retire for the night. If I know my granddaughter she will have me up at dawn to open presents.”

Mia hugged both Clarisse and Joseph. “You know me all too well, Gramma. Good night, you two.”

 “Good night Darlings.” Clarisse offered as she took Joseph’s arm to be escorted back to her suite.

 Pierre extended his arm for Mia. “Shall we?”

 “We shall.”

Walking down the corridor towards their rooms, Mia exhaled deeply. "I had a blast tonight, well except the whole having to give a speech part. Did you enjoy yourself?" She stopped in front of her suite at the same moment her stomach protested the lack of food she’d consumed today.

"Sounds like you need to eat. How about we change and I'll meet in the kitchen. I saw Christmas cookies earlier."

"That's the best offer I’ve had all night. See you in twenty minutes." Mia smiled before disappearing behind her door.

Fifteen minutes later, she was seated next to Pierre in the kitchen enjoying some hot chocolate. “This is wonderful, thank you!”

 "I took the liberty of making some hot chocolate to go with the cookies. I put a peppermint stick in them, I hope that's okay."

 "The only way to drink hot chocolate." Mia smiled before letting the liquid warm her insides. Pulling the peppermint stick out of the mug, she licked the chocolate from it before dipping it again repeating the method. "You never answered my question earlier. Did you enjoy yourself?"

 "I don't mind attending one ball a year. I'm more a man of meditation these days rather than dancing, but I love to watch my mother dance. She's probably the best dancer I've ever had the privilege of seeing." He smiled at Mia, "Though you're coming along quite nicely."

Mia felt herself blush at her uncle’s compliment. "Well I have Joe to thank for that. He has been giving me lessons for a while now. Speaking of Joe, did you notice he danced a lot with Gramma tonight? More than usual, I mean."

Pierre sipped his hot chocolate. "Now that you mention it, they did seem to dance together quite a bit. It's probably just because of the Christmas season. Or," he winked, "Perhaps all of the other men were particularly bad dancers tonight."

"Speaking from personal experience, I can verify there were several bad dancers in the crowd." She laughed. “Maybe I'm just seeing things. I could’ve sworn something was going on between them last time I was here. Now with the extra dancing… I can't help but wonder. Have they always been this close?"

Pierre regarded her intently. "Joseph has been around for as long as I can remember. He and mother have known each other for decades. Mother has never had many female friends. I'm not sure why, to be honest. Perhaps it's hard for her to trust them or to be herself around them. As a result, her best friends in life have been my father, may he rest in peace, and Joe. So to answer your question, yes, they've been close for a number of years."

Twirling her hair, Mia realized this might be harder than she had originally thought. She suspected something more than friendship since the first time she saw them together, but no one in the palace would ever confirm her suspicion. Taking a sip of the now warm chocolate, she decided directness would be the best approach. "Did you or my father ever suspect they were more than just best friends?" Picking up a cookie she took a bite and waited.

His face registered shock for a moment and then the serene mask he'd learned from his mother descended. "Are you suggesting an inappropriate relationship between them while my father was still alive?"

Mia nearly choked on her cookie. "No! Lord no! I know better than to think either of them would ever do something like that. I meant after Grandpa passed...and not right after." She clarified, not wanting to insult or upset him. She only hoped to confirm her suspicion. "A long time has passed since his death, may he rest in peace. I wouldn't blame her for moving on and especially not with someone as charming and handsome as Joe."

Pierre smiled, "I'm sorry, Mia. I didn't mean to upset you. It's just that the rumor mill would occasionally try to start some vicious lies about Mother and Joe in the past. They never lasted long and they never had any merit, but I know they upset her. She's always worked so hard to maintain that perfect public image. It didn't seem fair when lies threatened to destroy her carefully guarded reputation. Anyway, to answer your question, I think that in the last few years, their friendship has deepened even further and with your pending ascension to the throne, Mother may allow herself to finally love Joe and be loved by him."

Mia smiled knowing this was probably the best confirmation she would get. "How would you feel about Gramma moving on after I'm crowned?"

"As I said before, Joe has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. He was my mother and father's best friend. If she was going to move on with anyone, I'd want it to be him. He's a good man and I know he loves her and would give his life for her. Not sure what more a man could ask from the man who loves his mother." He winked, "And, according to the maids...he's hot."

Laughing, she confirmed his statement. "Well the maids know everything."


	19. A Rocky Start to a New Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new year has begun but many of the old demons remain. Can our couple work through the challenges they are faced with or will it become too much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Though a warning was posted at the beginning of the story, that was a while ago so I wanted to remind you that some of the subject matter in this story is dark (they were captured and tortured...) so please remember that as the chapters continue. If you find the subject distasteful or not your cup of tea, I totally understand that (this is a darker story than I usually write). I'll try to warn you before any particularly difficult chapters so you can skim/skip that section should you desire.
> 
> So for this chapter, consider yourself warned that our couple deals with some very difficult subjects beginning in this chapter.

**Chapter Nineteen:**

**December 25 – Christmas Day**

Clarisse rolled over in her bed, drawing the blanket tight as she quickly reached to turn the alarm off. _I haven’t been up at three on Christmas morning since the boys were little._ After spending a few minutes allowing her body to wake up, she moved to a sitting position, eliciting a small groan. Reaching for her dressing gown from the foot of the bed, she made her way to the bathroom. _Thankfully, Amelia would be just as groggy this morning._ She ran some hot water in the sink, sighing as she relegated herself to yet another sponge bath. She hoped once the holiday was over, the work could be completed on her tub. A small measure of dread filled her veins as she glanced at the shower. Though repairs on it had been completed for a while now, she couldn’t bring herself to summon the courage to risk a malfunction again. Two cold showers in a lifetime were two too many.

After dressing, Clarisse was met by Joseph in her sitting room. “I thought you might want some tea this morning.” He handed her the cup he’d already prepared.

“Thank you, Joseph.” Taking a sip from the cup, she sighed happily as the beverage warmed both her hands and her heart. “Why are you up so early?”

“It is Christmas you know.” A hundred-watt smile formed on his face. “Plus, I’m awake when my queen is awake.”

She nodded, knowing he worried about her far more than he should have to. “I suppose we should head down to say goodbye to Amelia and Pierre.”

Offering her his arm, they made their way down the corridor. “I think you shocked Mia when you agreed to allow her to return to the states on Christmas.”

“I know she was upset when her mother called late last night. It’s their first Christmas apart. Since this is the last Christmas she will be able to spend away from Genovia. I couldn’t deny her.” Clarisse managed before wiping the stray tear from her eye.  “I’m going to miss them both.”

“We all will. The palace is so full of life and energy when the Princess is in residence and with Pierre as her partner in mischief, it will seem quite dull.”

A short time later, gifts had been exchanged and it was time for the exchange of good-byes. Pierre looked more awake than Mia, but even he couldn’t stop from yawning. “I’m sorry we can’t stay, Mother.” He kissed each of her cheeks and hugged her tightly.

She blinked back the tears, not wanting him to feel guilty. “I understand. You need to be at your church, especially today. I’m glad you could be here for the ball. Thank you for taking time to visit. Don’t worry about me, Joseph is here. We’ll keep each other company.”

Pierre pulled Joseph into a hug. “Thank you for always being there for Mammon. You are so much more to her than security.”

Joseph nodded and pulled the young man closer. “And she is so much more to me than my Queen.”

While the men bonded, Mia pulled her Gramma into a hug. “Are you sure you’re okay, Gramma?  You haven’t been yourself this visit.”

Clarisse tensed slightly before forcing herself to relax. _Mia knows nothing, don’t give her cause to suspect anything._ “The virus took both Joseph and I out of commission for so long, I fear the stress at playing catch-up is still with me. Please forgive me if I neglected you or made you uncomfortable during your visit.”

Mia pulled back and looked at her Grandmother. It was her eyes that troubled her most. The confidence, the control, the fire were all strangely absent. Knowing she needed to not add to her worries, she smiled. “Well, if anyone can get her game back, it’s you Gramma.”

Clarisse smiled, thankful Mia hadn’t pressed. “I’m not quite sure what you mean by my ‘game’ but I thank you for the vote of confidence.”

Mia hugged her again. “Merry Christmas, Gramma. I love you. Thank you for the awesome gifts.”

This time the tears wouldn’t be held at bay and several slipped from Clarisse’s eyes. “I love you too, Amelia.”

Mia bit her bottom lip and made an effort not to cry. She hugged Joe and whispered, “Whatever is wrong with Gramma, Joe…you have to fix her. Please.”

The young girl’s words tore at his heart. She couldn’t know that they both needed fixing and that they were working hard to achieve that goal. She needed his reassurance. He hugged her tightly. “Your Grandmother will be fine, I’ll see to it. Don’t you worry. You focus on finishing your school work and graduating so you can help me keep an eye on her, okay?”

She wiped her eyes and smiled. “Okay, Joe. Merry Christmas.”

_Later that Evening…_

Opening her gift, Clarisse revealed a vase half full of shells. Looking up, Joseph tried to read her expression. Not wanting her to misunderstand, he explained. “Ever since I started as your head of security, each time we returned from the beach house, I’d always find two perfect shells, one white and one black on my desk. I knew instantly they were from you. I’ve saved each and every one of them over the years. I have enough to fill this vase as a matter of fact.”

“I love it but it’s only half full. Where are the rest?” A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she tried to hide her confusion about the gift.

“They are in a similar vase sitting next to my bed.”

“Oh…” A blush began to spread across her porcelain face. _He keeps them by his bed?_

Taking the vase, he placed it on the coffee table before gathering both of her hands in his. “Clarisse, I’m not giving you shells as your gift. Instead, your gift is the promise we will return to the beach house someday, when we’re both ready, and finish filling the vase together.”

Closing the distance, Clarisse’s lips brushed tenderly over his as she whispered, “Both vases…” She wanted to lose herself in the tenderness of his kiss as they danced across her lips. A small sigh escaped as his lips slid along the curve of her neck before he pulled away. _Now that was a wonderful gift…_

“I have something for you too.” Clarisse stood and disappeared into her bedroom before returning with a large, perfectly wrapped box.

“You didn’t have to get me anything, dear.” He smiled, as her eyes danced at the endearment.

“Of course I did. This might sound silly, but there are certain things that comfort me. My roses, tea,…”

“A baked potato with spaghetti on top.”  He smiled as she looked up.

“I didn’t think anyone knew about that…I should have known YOU would have. There is one other thing that brings me comfort and I selfishly rely on it perhaps far too much.” She smiled nervously, “And that’s the comfort I find in your scent.” Clarisse glanced at the box, bashfully. “For the last several months I have noticed something was missing from that intoxicating scent and I believe I have narrowed it down to this.” Handing him the box she watched as he opened it, revealing a black leather jacket.

“It’s perfect. Thank you.” Leaning over, he kissed her lightly on the lips. “I’ve been meaning to replace it, but now I don’t have to.”

He slipped the jacket on. Of course, it fit perfectly. He leaned against the couch and gestured for her to slide in next to him. “Shall we test your theory?”

Clarisse smiled and snuggled in close, inhaling and exhaling deeply. Oh yes, this was much better. Hugging him tightly, she whispered. “Indeed, we shall.”

******

Joseph stirred slightly from possibly the best sleep he’d had in weeks. He felt warm, safe and for the first time in a while, nightmare-free.  His surroundings disoriented him for a moment, but the slight pressure in his hand prompted his awareness.  He was in Clarisse’s suite, in her sitting room, on the sofa, in front of the fireplace. The pressure in his hand was her smaller, delicate hand holding his – no doubt providing the catalyst for the wonderful nap.

Her beautiful face, even more breathtaking in unguarded sleep, captivated him from the moment he first laid eyes on her. He pushed the images of the terror and fear on her face from their recent captivity and the subsequent haunted look he’d seen in her eyes when she thought no one was watching.  He vowed to himself right then and there, he would continue to do whatever it took to restore the brilliance to her baby blue eyes and peace to her soul.

The angle of her neck in sleep made his shoulders and neck hurt.  Remembering the trauma from his touching her neck during their first kisses, he decided to squeeze her hand and touch her arm gently to wake her.  “Clarisse?”

Long, dark blonde eyelashes fluttered open, “Joseph?”

He smiled tenderly, “We fell asleep, but the position of your head and shoulders had me worried you might have muscle spasms if I let you continue to sleep.”

She sat up, the haunted expression returning to her face. “Muscle spasms would be a walk in the park compared to what we went through.”

He squeezed her hand tighter, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

She shook her head and offered a small smile, “I’m sorry too.  I know we’ve been making wonderful progress, but the smallest things, little reminders or gestures still possess the ability to set me off and the setbacks are discouraging.”

“Like the incident with cold water?”  He remembered what she’d shared with him about the first time she’d been taken away from him. Charlotte had shared with him about the morning she’d called her to her suite… the plumbing malfunctioned in her shower, providing only cold water. Clarisse had been a wreck. “I know you experienced a nightmare with Jason that involved cold water…you told me as much. I don’t want to remind you of that night, but…”

“That night doesn’t qualify as a small reminder—more like an avalanche of horror.”

“Will you let me help you?”

Panic spread across her chest, erasing any calm she’d acquired from the nightmare-free sleep she’d woken from a few minutes ago. Joseph helping her would require him to see her naked.  She wasn’t ready for that…may never be ready for that.  She felt pressure on her hand as he sought to bring her out of the sink hole her mind had dragged her into.

“We’ll keep our clothes on,” he whispered.

“What?”  She blinked rapidly, trying to process the meaning of his words.

“I’ll take my shoes and belt off. You can wear a comfortable pair of pants, even your pajama pants if you want and you can borrow one of my t-shirts, if you don’t have any. We’ll get in the shower and turn the water on warm. As we get accustomed to the temperature, we’ll slowly lower it until it’s the same temperature you faced. I’ll be there with you every step of the way, holding you or supporting you however you need.  You can scream, cry – whatever you need.  We’ll face this together.”

Clarisse thought of the sponge baths she’d relegated herself to since the incident. Her bathtub was still ripped out due to the plumbing issues they were working on.  The plumbing had been fixed, but the tub still needed to be replaced. “You promise to stay with me, no matter what?  I can’t promise how I’ll react, Joseph. Jason was…” Her voice shuddered at the end of her statement.

He damned the men yet again for the emotional wreck they’d left them both in as well as destroying the comfort of their relationship.  They’d tentatively been restoring that comfort, dinners and dancing, and even kissing. The expression on her face told him to proceed carefully. She wasn’t really with him anymore. She was back in that hell-hole with Jason and his cold water and God only knows what else.

He fought back the fury he felt every time he thought of Jason. At first he’d been so relieved he’d chosen not to rape Clarisse, but time revealed his cruelty to her was far more damaging than Joseph could’ve imagined. As her hand still clutched his, he squeezed tightly. “No matter what.”

“Would you like to come with me to retrieve another shirt or…” he hesitated, “I could let you wear this one.”

The vivid image of Joseph’s bared chest flooded her vision, the arousal quickly replaced by a knot in her stomach as she remembered how it looked after they were rescued:  bruised, bloodied and beaten.  Shaking her head, she answered. “I’ll go with you. I’m sorry…it’s not you.”

“I understand. It’s too soon for either of us to see the scars.”

“Oh I see them every time I close my eyes.” She turned his hand over to see the angry red marks still evident on his wrists. Drawing a fingertip over the damaged area, she whispered. “I don’t need to see them to remember. I will never forget.”

His other hand rested over hers, trapping it against the scarred flesh. “We will never forget, but over time our memories – like these scars – will fade and cause us less pain.”

No words, a simple nod in response followed by an expression that told him everything he needed to know.   _I hope you’re right…_

“Shall we?”

Ten minutes later they both stood, clad in lounge pants and black t-shirts facing the shower area.  Joseph reached in and turned the spray of water on, adjusting until he was sure it was a warm, comfortable temperature. Once satisfied, he took her hand. “Ready?”

“No, but I’m willing to try.”

He rewarded her with a gentle smile, “That’s the woman I know. I’ll step in first.”

Clarisse watched Joseph step under the spray, the water pelting his face.  While his expression remained normal, enjoyment even, her mind skittered back to that awful night when Jason’s hand held her immobile under the shivering spray. Unable to move, unable to breathe, unable to maintain control…

She shook her head, “Joseph, I can’t.”

The panic in her voice caused him to turn toward her and reach for her hand. “Just for a moment…please?  I’ll stand in front of you, protecting you from the spray until you feel ready.”

Inhaling deeply to find courage, Joseph’s scent from his shirt wafted into her nose, providing her senses with a happier memory—the first time he’d held her in his arms after Rupert’s death. She’d felt warm, safe, protected. His cologne hadn’t changed over the years and brought her a small measure of comfort.  Clasping his outstretched hand, she positioned herself against the back of the shower wall, Joseph’s body providing protection from the water, allowing only a small portion of the spray to reach her.

Her chest heaved with the effort to remain calm as her heart pounded wildly, but she focused on breathing and on Joseph’s solid presence in front of her. He made no move to touch her—he simply waited for her to take the next step. After several minutes, the initial storm passed. She took a few deep breaths in and out, easing the tension slightly.

Joseph saw the subtle shift and murmured, “Ready for a little more?”

She nodded and took his hand, wanting additional comfort. He always had been and would continue to be the rock that grounded her and kept her sane. He stepped an inch or so to the right, allowing more of the water to hit her. Each drop felt like a small weight beating into her chest as memories battled with the present for dominance.  The water was warm, though and Joseph’s hand kept her from fleeing the nightmare she knew would come.

Finally after a couple more subtle nods and shifts, they had switched positions and Clarisse was standing under the spray while Joseph moved behind her.  His body was a few inches away but their joined hands gave her courage.

She felt the soft brush of air across her ear as he leaned forward and whispered, “When you’re ready, adjust the temperature. You are in control now.”

_“Control…”_ the one thing she’d always held on to – the one thing they’d taken away from her.

The one thing she desperately wanted back.

With trembling hands, she reached forward and slowly adjusted the temperature until she felt the water cool.  She gasped and stumbled backward, encountering Joseph’s solid frame. Palpable fear slithered along her spine, reminding her of the horror of being forced to her knees on unforgiving tile as frigid water rained down on her. Joseph’s other hand came to rest on her waist – not restraining, just reassuring. “It’s alright,” he whispered. “I’m here.”

The pounding of her heart thudded against the walls of her chest, her inner voice screaming at her to run…to get away…

But she stayed…

Not wanting to give Jason’s action power over her in this moment.

A few minutes later, she made the final turn of the knob leaving only the cold, icy reminder of the horrors she endured. This time the pain was too much and she turned away from the pelting water into Joseph’s embrace.  Her hands clutched at his shirt. The ghost of Jason’s hands moving over her body, rinsing away DNA evidence of the assault levied upon her unwilling body. “It was awful, Joseph.”

His arms surrounded her, holding her close but loosely should she want to move away. “Do you want to tell me?”

The relentless spray at her back slipped her deeper into the nightmare. “I couldn’t move…couldn’t breathe…the water was everywhere, surrounding me…drowning me.”

He said nothing, but his hands slowly moved up and down her back, providing a break from the pressure. “He violated me…with his fingers, with the water…whispering horrible things in my ear.”

In the midst of the horror surrounding her, she felt his warm breath against her cheek, “Then let me whisper wonderful things to you to replace his words. Let me tell you how much you are loved…by your country, your staff, your granddaughter, and by me.”

The truth of his words surrounded her and formed a shield against the nightmare. She lifted her face to him, her grip still holding him tight within her grasp. “Tell me more.”

He guided her head to his shoulder, ignoring the shivers in both of their bodies at the continual assault of cold water. Unable to think about how that must’ve felt against her naked skin, he continued. “You have lived your entire life with grace and dignity. You are a survivor and your will is stronger than any other person I’ve ever met.”

The death grip she held on his clothing lessened slightly. Her hands smoothed over his cotton covered chest warming him. This time when her eyes found his, they seemed a little clearer – more focused. “I’m strong because you have always been right here beside me being everything I need…all I need.”

A gentle kiss anointed her forehead to share his thanks at her words. After a few more moments, she admitted. “I want to face this now and put it behind me….behind us.”

She turned in his loose embrace, the frigid droplets now pounding into her front. Needing additional comfort, she pulled his hands to her waist and held him closely as the scene played across her mind. With each flash of the nightmare, she stepped forward bringing Joseph along with her—the warmth against her back giving her the courage to face the cold in front.  Finally, she lifted her face directly into the onslaught of the shower, holding her breath as the water…and her memories…sought to steal it away from her as it had that night.

Joseph felt her breath catch and hold.  With each passing second, panic spread in his limbs. _What is she doing? How long can she stay under? Dear God, how painful and humiliating that experience must have been for her_. Only the continuing presence of her hands holding his wrists close to her body kept him from jerking her away and forcing her to breathe once again.

Finally, she turned her head and sucked in a large gulp of air. She adjusted the knob so warm water filled the shower once again.  Once the chill escaped, she placed a gentle kiss on his lips. “Thank you.”

His hand cupped her cheek. “You are without a doubt the bravest and most beautiful woman I’ve ever had the privilege to know.”

She shook her head gently, “Not so brave. I needed you with me to see it through to the end.”

Turning his head, he kissed the palm and each finger of her chilled hand. “Are you ready to face this shower alone now?”

She nodded, “I am.”

Another kiss to her forehead. “I’m going to borrow your robe to get me back to my room through the passageway.  I’ll return it tomorrow.”

“I’m sure I can do without it for tonight.”

He opened the shower door just enough to slip out, not wanting to let any of the warmth now present escape.  Quickly, he shed his wet clothes and slipped Clarisse’s robe over his frame. Thankfully, she liked to be swallowed by the garment which allowed him to secure it around his broader form. His t-shirt and her pants made an appearance over the door. He swallowed hard, thinking of the war droplets sliding down her body. His eyes shut tightly as brief flashes of the skin he’d been forced to see that weekend shuttered through his mind.  Would he ever be privileged to see her beautiful body again—at a time and place of their choosing?

“Joseph, are you still there?”

“Yes, just finished changing. I’ll be leaving in a moment.”

“I wanted you to know…”

“Yes,”

“I hope someday we can face a normal shower…together.”

^^C/J^^

 

 

 

**December 31: 11:55 p.m.**

“I’m still not quite sure how you managed this, but I’m grateful.” Clarisse smiled at Joseph as they stared at the clear night sky.

He smiled in return and didn’t elaborate on how he and Charlotte had managed to get the queen excused from any public appearances tonight. They’d owe a few favors, but as he drank in the sight of the woman standing across from him bundled up and holding a steaming cup of hot chocolate, they’d all been worth it. “The stars appear as diamonds in the sky tonight, don’t they?”

“Mmmm, indeed.” Her gaze focused upward as she sipped the beverage.

A few minutes later, she felt Joseph move in behind her and slip an arm around her waist. “Okay?”

She nodded. “Okay.”

They could hear the staff counting down in the courtyard below. “Five, four, three, two…One.”

“Happy New Year, Clarisse.” Joseph whispered as he place a tender kiss on her temple.

She turned in his embrace, “It simply must be better than last year. Personally, I’m not sure I would survive a repeat.”

He set their cups down and pulled her into his embrace. “Genovia is going to crown a new queen this year. Her current queen will settle in to her role as grandmother and, someday, I pray wife.”

At his words, Clarisse lifted her gaze to meet his. “I want to be your wife someday, but...”

His finger on her lips stopped what she intended to say next. “Your desire to be my wife is enough. As for everything else, we’ll take that one day at a time. Understood?”

Her hand cupped his cheek. “Understood and happy new year, Joseph.”

^^C/J^^

JOINT SESSION – JANUARY 2 – YEAR 5

“Good morning,” Doc Weston offered as a way to start the first session of the new year. “Did you two have a nice holiday?”

Clarisse nodded, “All things considered, I believe it went very well.” She smiled, thinking of falling asleep in Joseph’s arms on Christmas night—the smell of the leather jacket mingling with his cologne provided the best aromatherapy.

“I agree. Though I’d like to throttle Viscount Mabry for being an arrogant and insufferable man.” He couldn’t let go of the look he saw in the Viscount’s eye. The man was evil and had designs on the throne. Of that he harbored no doubt.

“Was there an incident with the Viscount?” The doc asked as he kept a watchful eye on Clarisse.

As if sensing his scrutiny, Clarisse adjusted in her seat and recrossed her ankles.  “He perhaps crossed the boundary of proper dance technique.” She shrugged as if to suggest it was expected from time to time.

Joseph’s ire rose and he turned toward her. “Perhaps? The man’s hands were in places that they should not have been and his body was far closer to yours than should ever be allowed by a snake.”

The doctor ignored Joseph’s jealousy for the moment. He didn’t doubt for a moment Joseph’s reaction would’ve been the same before the incident as it was now. He took guarding his queen’s body very seriously and saw it as his duty to protect her against all harm. “Clarisse, how did you handle the violation?”

Joseph crossed his arms and sat back, a small look of satisfaction on his face—the doctor had seen it as a violation as well.

Clarisse paled at the use of the word. “Violation? I suppose it was…”

“Was he making improper advances toward you without your invitation?”

“Well…yes.”

“Then he violated both the dance space and your personal space. How did you handle it?”

The pillow returned to her lap and she toyed with the fringe again. “I performed the steps, but without my usual flourish. He sensed the difference and asked if I was getting sick again.” A shiver slid the entire length of her spine causing her body to shudder as she recalled the lie they’d spun to keep their secret.

“And?”

“I thanked him for his concern and assured him I was fine. The song ended, thankfully, and Joseph pulled me away for a matter that needed attending to.”

The Doc smiled at Joseph, “A matter of the utmost importance, I’m sure.”

His statement made her smile as well. “Yes, rescuing the Queen and grounding her once again was very important.” She turned to Joseph. “Thank you again for helping me hold everything together that night.” _And in the nights that followed…_

Dr. Weston noticed the faraway look in her eyes and knew more had transpired than they were telling him. “Well both the papers and Elsie reported a successful ball with no mention of anything peculiar about the queen or her dancing partners so I’d say you pulled the night off successfully.”

Clarisse and Joseph nodded in unison as their hands joined on the cushion between them. The doctor continued. “As we’re starting a new year and with Princess Amelia making her final preparations to assume the throne later this year, is it reasonable to assume that you two will be pursuing the advancement of your personal relationship and bringing it into the public eye?”

Joseph spoke first, “I’d like to, assuming she’s willing. We’re not getting any younger.” He smiled gently in Clarisse’s direction. “Though I’m certain you haven’t aged in decades.”

She blushed good naturedly at his compliment. “You need glasses, my dear.”

“Clarisse, do you see that as a possibility?”

She exhaled slowly as both men waited. “I…my heart wants to, but I confess I fear if we’ll be ready.”

Joseph’s expression sobered and the doctor’s sharpened. “Ready for what exactly?”

She pulled her hand away from Joseph’s and focused on the pillow in her lap. “Anything and everything. I know we’ve made progress, but speaking for myself, I’m concerned about being ready for everything such a unity requires both emotionally and…” her eyes found Joseph’s. “Physically.”

Never one to sugar coat the truth, especially when it came to getting these two to move forward, Dr. Weston leaned forward. “You’re concerned about being able to make love to Joseph?”

Her blush deepened to a bright red. “Yes.”

“Tell me why.”

She stared across the room, away from the other occupants. This was so hard to talk about. She always had been a private person, out of necessity and, perhaps, maybe preference. “I can’t get them out of my head.” Not highly articulate, but summed up the core of her dilemma.

“You’re afraid that when the moment is upon you, you’ll react as though you were back in that weekend experiencing all the same horrors?”

Clarisse stood to distance herself from this conversation and the hurt she knew she was causing Joseph. “When I’m busy, during the day, going about my normal business, they remain in the shadows. At night or anytime I let my guard down…”

“Some of the homework assignments I’ve assigned should help you prepare for such a possibility.”

She finally turned to him, her expression one of sadness and regret. “I fear it has not. Right now my mind has interconnected Joseph with those men.” She turned to Joseph, her expression imploring him not to hate her. “And all my efforts to date have not yielded success in separating them. I’m so sorry.” She couldn’t admit to Joseph that thoughts of Rupert had helped her to at least achieve a measure of relief, that knowledge could hurt him more than she already had.

He turned his attention to Joseph, “And you, Joseph. Do you believe you can have a physical relationship with Clarisse under the circumstances you both must contend with?”

Joseph thought of his failed attempts and the conversation he had with the doctor about his need for confession. He sank further into the cushions. “Not presently, no.”

Though both of his patients appeared completely deflated, the Doctor smiled and leaned forward. “Now we’re making real progress.”

Two sets of keen blue eyes snapped to his face. He explained. “You both have just admitted that you are not where you want to be in order to have the future you want together. There are still issues and, dare I say, secrets…” he leveled a direct glance at both patients, “that remain between you. To heal, you must bare your souls and share your deepest fears from that weekend. Doing so with each other and receiving acceptance and understanding will help you be able to forgive yourself for those fears and give you back the power and mental control to overcome the hurdles that are currently standing in your way.”

A heavy silence hung in the air as his words settled over the hearts and minds of both Clarisse and Joseph. Finally, the doctor spoke again. “Please consider what I’ve said and what each of you has admitted here today. Don’t see it as a setback, rather as a prompt to unburden your souls from the nightmares that still haunt you. That’s it for today, but I’m only a phone call away should either of you need me.”

Clarisse stood, thankful this session was over. The doctor was wrong if he thought telling anyone about Jason and her time with him would be helpful. She’d find a way to build the barriers so high around that nightmare, it would free her to pursue the relationship with Joseph. “Thank you, Doctor.” She moved toward the door. “Joseph, are you coming?”

“I’ll join you in just a moment.”

Her steps faltered for a moment, but she nodded. “Yes, of course.”

Once she’d left the room, Joseph moved to stand in front of the desk. “I’m the only one with secrets, Doc. Clarisse told me about the cold water incident with Jason she mentioned briefly in one of our first sessions. We dealt with it together and I promised her we would not discuss it any further in our joint time together.”

Wise green eyes held the intense blue of Joseph’s. “That was not your promise to make, Joseph.”

“Nevertheless, it has been made and I’ll ask that you respect it.” His tone brokered very little room for argument.

“I promise I won’t bring it up in a joint session.” He would not promise not to bring it up again because he knew there was more to the story that Clarisse hadn’t told either of them, but he’d seen the marks and knew whatever caused the scars on her inner thighs terrified her more than cold water or even the rapes. He based this solely on the fact she’d been willing to speak about those horrors…nothing else though. “Have you shared your secret with her?”

Joseph rubbed his face in frustration. “Not yet.”

“I see. Well, perhaps there is still more sharing both of you need to do.”

Joseph sighed. “Perhaps.”

He left without another word. Clarisse was waiting just down the hall. “Everything alright?”

Forcing a smile, he extended his arm to escort her. “Yes, just wanted to follow-up on my promise to you from Christmas night.”

Guilt filled her veins as she realized how honorable the man standing next to her was. She’d always known, but he proved it time and time again. Which made keeping her secrets from him even harder. “Thank you. I hope you forgive the statements I made in there. He knows how to push every button I have.”

He squeezed her arm, “You told the truth. One must never need forgiveness for the truth.”

She nodded but wondered if the truth she kept from him would one day destroy her or, even worse…destroy the love they shared.

^^C/J^^

Over the next two weeks, Clarisse sensed a great battle raging inside of Joseph. She had no idea what the struggle was about nor which side was winning. She only knew he was pulling away from her a little more each day. Part of her wanted to confront him about it and demand he tell her, the other feared he knew she was still keeping things from him and would lay the blame for the distance directly at her feet…where it belonged.

She wasn’t certain how much longer they could go on like this. With Amelia making the palace her primary residence later this year, there were a million details to attend to for all of them. Joseph was spending a great deal of time with Scott since he would become Amelia’s head of security. Clarisse felt a small sense of peace in the middle of her storm knowing Scott’s ability to protect her granddaughter’s life was second only to that of Joseph’s. Amelia was in good hands.

She sighed. No more time for reflection. Her day was starting earlier than normal and contained more meetings than she cared to think about. A Queen’s work never seemed to end…

Due to the hour of her first meeting, Felix, her night security, escorted her and provided the on-site security rather than Joseph. Though she had a great deal of confidence in the young man’s abilities, she always felt better with Joseph nearby…especially these days.

As Lord Crawley laid out his plans for one project or another, she allowed herself to think about Joseph and the progress, both positive and negative they’d made so far.  On the positive side, they’d had marked success with their dancing, touching and kissing. Though it hadn’t moved past what Amelia would term first base, or so she believed, it strengthened their connection and gave her hope.

On the negative…well that side had been mounting lately and she feared with her confession at their last therapy session and Joseph’s subsequent withdrawal, they’d taken several steps back. They’d only danced once in the past two weeks and shared dinner the same night.

The admission of her inability to separate Joseph from the other men may have been too much truth. But it was a reality she faced every time she considered intimacy on a deeper level with him. No matter what she’d tried, if she allowed her mind to focus on Joseph, she would end up reliving the horrors of that weekend. Regardless, she needed to talk to him, needed to try to set this right. She sighed heavily. She needed to be stronger before she could confront him and have the right words to say to make this better.

Lord Crawley finally finished and she fought to not roll her eyes, Von Trokken was up next. She definitely needed to escape this presentation. The more she thought on the situation with Joseph, the more she worried. He’d retreated into his own shell…his own demons…leaving her out in the cold. Strong or not, once she made it to her office this morning, she’d find an opportunity to speak with him.

An hour later, her meeting finally ended and she settled behind her desk with the day’s paperwork and a steaming hot cup of tea waiting for her. But no Joseph. “Charlotte?”

“Yes, ma’am?”

“Have you seen Joseph? I expected he would be here when I arrived. Do you know if he had another appointment?” At her question, the young woman stopped and appeared to be lost in thought for a moment.

“None that I’m aware of. Should I call the security hub?”

Part of her wanted Charlotte to call, the other wanted to not be paranoid. “No, it’s still a little early. I’m sure he’ll be here soon.” She hoped her voice sounded more confident than she felt at the moment.

With nothing more to do, she sipped her tea and delved into the paperwork. An hour or so later, she looked up and stretched. Her eyes flitted to Charlotte, working quietly at her desk and then to the door. She fully expected Joseph to be standing in his usual place just inside. Instead of Joseph, however, Scott stood quietly. Her heart rate increased as adrenaline began to infuse her veins. “Scott? Where is Joseph?”

“I assumed he was off today, ma’am. I didn’t see him at the hub this morning prior to our shift, so protocol indicates I take primary.”

Clarisse stood. Enough was enough. This wasn’t like Joseph. He never took a day off. Most assuredly would not take a day off without letting her know and he certainly was never late. “I’m going to check on him.” Her voice was authoritative and left no room for question.

Shades started to follow her, but Charlotte’s hand on his arm stopped him. “Let her go,” she whispered. “Whatever is going on, they don’t need an audience.”

He hesitated and then radioed Lionel. “Take up position at the end of corridor to the private wing, give the Queen some space.”

“Yes, sir.”

Clarisse walked with purpose through the hallways, thankful both Scott and Charlotte were not following. She had no doubt Scott had set up security to ensure she made it safely through the palace. Before the weekend, she thought all of the security within her own home was excessive. After, being abducted from the beach house, she knew she would never take her safety for granted again. At least at this moment, he was giving her the illusion of privacy. She nodded to Lionel, standing guard at the end of the hallway leading to the wing she, Amelia and Joseph and Scott shared.

Almost there.

She exhaled slowly, willing the pounding of her heart to ease. Every scar on her body burned with phantom pain as her mind raced through the possibilities for why Joseph didn’t report for work today.   _If he’s gone…_

She raised her hand and knocked softly on the door.

No answer.

More forceful this time, she added his name to the request. “Joseph? It’s Clarisse. May I come in?”

Still nothing.

She turned the knob, slightly surprised when it opened. Stepping inside, she blinked twice to allow her eyes to adjust to the darkness. Moving quietly through his suite, she continued until she arrived at the bedroom door. “Joseph?”

The door was ajar and she pushed gently. Cotton filled her mouth as he came into view. He was sitting on the bed in the darkness, the only illumination a small sliver of white from the gap in the curtains. The cotton expanded, filling her throat, making it difficult to swallow as she noticed the suitcase filled with clothes next to him on the dark comforter. “I was worried when you didn’t report for duty this morning. Are you ill?”

“Yes.”

“Shall I call Dr. Weston?” The pounding of her heart threatened to break through the walls of her chest, but she forced her voice to remain calm. The fear in hear head was slowly slipping down into her stomach stirring up a healthy dose of nausea.

“I’ve already spoken to him. It’s because of his advice I’ve packed my things.”

The contents of her stomach rolled at the implied meaning of his words. “Dr. Weston recommended you leave? I find that hard to believe, Joseph. You promised to stay.”

At her words, his face turned toward her. In the dim light, she could see the pain clearly etched on his face and, even worse, the haunted look in his eyes. “He told me I needed to tell you the truth. Once I do that, you’ll demand I leave.”

She moved to the bed, pushing the suitcase back so she could sit next to him. “Tell me the truth about what? I can’t imagine anything that we haven’t shared with each other or anything you could tell me that would make me want you to leave.” _He can’t leave…I need him. Need us._

Sad blue eyes locked his gaze on hers, “That’s because you don’t know everything.”

Her hand trembled as she placed a damp palm on his thigh. “Then tell me. We’ll face it together.”

His head shook violently. “I’m so ashamed, Clarisse.”

The grip on his thigh tightened. “Joseph, please…just tell me.”

There was a loud exhale from his lungs and his fear added to hers. She’d never seen Joseph this unsettled, their weekend in hell being the only exception and even then, he’d remained strong. “Before that weekend, you know how much I cared for you. How much I wanted to be with you.”

She licked her lips and nodded, “Yes, our relationship was slowly moving toward a more intimate level.”

Another long breath, “I spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like to be with you…on that more intimate level.”

Heat crept up her chest, but she wanted to be honest with him. “I imagined it as well, Joseph.  That’s natural and nothing to be ashamed of.” Perhaps this wouldn’t be as bad as he was making it out to be.

He startled her when he stood abruptly, breaking their connection. He paced the length of the room a few times before he stopped and kneeled down in front of her. His hands trembling on her knees as his eyes pleaded for understanding. “Before that weekend, my thoughts were safe inside my fantasies. After…” He shook his head.

She cupped his cheek with her hand, “Please, tell me. I don’t understand.”

Joseph’s head dropped to her lap and her ears strained to hear what he said. “I fantasized about tying you to the bed with silk scarves and pleasuring you until you cried out my name again and again. I wanted you to give me the control you held so dear.” His tears dampened her skirt, “I’m so sorry, Clarisse.”

The words pierced her soul as the memory of being chained to the bed as man after man took their fill of her, using her body for their own pleasure and sick fantasies. Joseph had the same sick fantasy as Lester? The admission churned the contents of her stomach and acid surged. She was going to be sick. Pushing his head from her lap, she ran to the bathroom, making it just in time to empty her breakfast into the toilet.

This couldn’t be happening. Would the fallout from that weekend never end? She rested her head on her hands, not caring what it looked like. A cool washcloth was pressed in her hand and she lifted it to her forehead.

“I’ll be out of the palace by lunch time.”

“No.”

“Clarisse…Your Majesty…it’s for the best.”

“No.”

She sensed his presence next to her on the floor. What a pair they made. “You can’t possibly want me to stay.”

“I need time, Joseph. Time to process. Time to understand. You promised me you wouldn’t leave unless I told you to go. I’m not telling you…not yet.” She had to be honest with him, with herself. “I need to see if I can get past this.”

Another sigh. “I’m not sure if I can. The guilt is…suffocating and overwhelming.”

“I need to lie down.”  On trembling limbs she made it to her feet and rinsed her mouth out in the sink. A quick glance in the mirror revealed a ghostly pallor and the same haunted expression Joseph had been wearing for days now. On total instinct, she found the doorway to the secret passage between their suites. Pushing the door open, she stopped and turned back to him before disappearing behind the wall. “Take the rest of the day. Compose yourself and unpack your suitcase. Tomorrow I expect you to report for duty at the scheduled time. Understood?”

There was a long pause, longer than she would’ve liked. Finally, he answered. “Yes ma’am. I’ll be there.”

Hearing all she need to hear at the moment, she let the door close between them and she leaned against the cool of the concrete lining the passageway. Images of Joseph following Lester’s orders and securing her in the leather cuffs flashed through her mind. She rubbed her wrists as the phantom pressure added to her discomfort. The cool metal of the cuffs around her ankles pinched as Rich locked them into place. The distinctive click echoed through her mind and the feeling of helplessness resurfaced. Lester’s command, “ _Make her scream your name….I want to hear our Queen lose it.”_

She swallowed hard, fighting the urge to throw up again. Had her cries in the midst of hell been music to Joseph’s ears? He’d fantasized about her being tied to a bed and screaming his name. She blinked rapidly trying to process everything. The chaos swirled in her mind as new violations fought for dominance with the old. She really needed to lie down. Using the wall for a guide and support, she slowly made her way to her suite. Stopping only to pull the curtains in her suite and slip her jacket off, she fell into bed and let the emotions overtake her.

^^C/J^^


	20. Tell Me a Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarisse and Joseph must deal with the fall-out of Joseph's secret he shared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We venture a little closer to M territory here, but nothing too overt or graphic. Just story telling from Clarisse and Joseph and some kissage :)

Chapter 20 – Tell Me A Story

Charlotte was overstepping…in a major way. She didn’t know what else to do. Nothing about this day would fall under the “normal” category. Her boss had disappeared to look for Joseph two hours ago and hadn’t returned to work. Joseph finally messaged Shades to explain the Queen had given him the day off as he wasn’t feeling well. Lionel confirmed that the Queen had never exited Joseph’s suite, but there had been no word from her. The same internal warning system that prompted her into action that fateful weekend was bellowing loud and clear in her head. She had to do something…

Quietly she opened the door to the Queen’s suite. The interior looked untouched since she’d seen it this morning during their breakfast meeting and tea.  The door to her bedroom stood open and she could make out her friend’s form on the bed.

Decision time.

Enter or retreat?

Before she could make a decision, she saw her friend bolt from the bed and into the bathroom. The sounds of retching filled the otherwise quiet room. Was it possible both she and Joseph were sick? It seemed unlikely since neither of them exhibited any signs at dinner last night and the Queen was fine until she went to see Joseph.

Decision made.

Backing away from the door, Charlotte stepped into the hallway and dialed the phone. “Dr. Weston, I think you need to come to the palace. The Queen isn’t well.”

Fifteen minutes later, Dr. Weston met Charlotte outside the Queen’s suite. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not sure. She was fine this morning, but Joseph didn’t show up for work. After an hour or so, she left to check on him. She never came back. After two more hours, I entered her suite and noticed from the sitting room she was laying in her bed. Before I could check on her, she got up and ran into the bathroom and threw up. I have no idea if Joseph is sick or not. He called Shades to say the Queen had given him the rest of the day off because he was ill.”

Dr. Weston nodded. “Thank you for calling. You did the right thing.”

Once Charlotte left to tend to matters of state, he opened the door and stepped inside. He sat his bag down on the table and moved into the bedroom. He was fairly certain Clarisse’s symptoms weren’t from a physical illness. “Clarisse? It’s Dr. Weston. Charlotte called. She’s worried about you.”

“I have nothing to say to you at the moment. You may leave and let Charlotte know I’m fine.”

He smiled. The fire of his main patient was something he always admired. As long as she had fight in her, they could work everything out. “Have I done something to upset you? As it is late morning and you are in bed rather than at your desk…to all of us who know you well, that would indicate you are anything but fine.”

He watched her force her body into a sitting position, saddened by the considerable effort it took on her part. _I wish she would let me help her…her secrets are taking a physical toll on her body as well, whether she will admit it or not._

 “I am angry with the male gender in general at the present moment. Your unrelenting need to dominate women is sickening and your fear of a woman in power and in control of her emotions apparently presents a challenge you believe you must conquer.”

Ah, now he understood. He quietly stepped further into the room. “So Joseph told you.”

“Yes, he informed me this morning as he was packing his suitcase to leave me that he harbored the same sick fantasies that Lester did and, for some unknown reason, you thought he should share that with me.”

He pulled a chair closer to the edge of the bed and sat down. “Do you think Lester and Joseph are the only men who have had such fantasies?”

She closed her eyes. Great, now she was in an impromptu therapy session. This day was shaping up to be the worst in a while. The sarcasm rolled off her tongue. “Not being a man, I couldn’t begin to fathom.”

Since her eyes remained closed, he allowed himself another small smile. “Would it surprise you that not only have I harbored such fantasies about my wife, I’ve acted on them.”

At his confession, her eyes widened. “What you do in the privacy of your own home is between you and your wife. I certainly don’t want details.”

He stifled the smile wanting to appear on his face at her expression. “So if both parties are willing and it’s done in private, it’s an acceptable activity?”

Her eyes blazed in his direction. “I…You’re trying to trick me.”

He moved forward in his chair. “No, what I’m trying to help you see is that Joseph’s fantasy…imagining making love to you in private and helping you fully experience all the pleasure he wanted to be responsible for giving you is different than Lester’s manipulation and exploitation of his power over you.”

Clarisse pondered what he shared. Part of her knew he was right. Lester and Joseph were not even close to the same men. Joseph loved where Lester exploited. He protected while Lester harmed. Tears slid down her face as she considered the words she’d said to Joseph in her anger. “This is a terrible situation. I simply don’t know what to do.” Troubled blue eyes sought his as she confessed, “I may have not thrown him out of the palace, but I reacted very badly.”

“I’m certain you didn’t say anything to Joseph he hadn’t already thought of himself. He’s been beating himself up about this for weeks now.”

She lowered her head and pulled her knees up to her chest. “What a mess. We were doing so well.”

“You still are. This is a setback. You need to talk to him. Ask questions. Understand the why and what of his fantasy. Know, so you can separate what Joseph desired from you from what Lester demanded.”

“I’ll try.”

Dr. Weston knew he needed to let her process. “Should I ask Charlotte to send tea?”

She shook her head. “No, it’s too soon. I need to pull myself together and then find the courage to speak to him.”

He squeezed her hand. “Courage has never been something you’ve lacked, my queen.”

She offered a sad smile. “So they tell me. Thank you, Doctor, for helping me understand a bit more of the male psyche.”

Dr. Weston laughed. “At least there’s an opportunity to understand ours. I fear we will never understand the mind of a woman.”

He managed to get her to chuckle. “It’s the way God intended. We have to have some secrets.”

He nodded and refrained from mentioning the secrets about her time in hell with Jason could slow their progress far more than any fantasy either one harbored. “Indeed you do, my queen. Call if you need anything further.”

A moment later, he was gone and Clarisse was alone with her thoughts. She looked at the clock—three in the afternoon. She’d lost a whole day and there would be untold hours of office work to make up for her moment of weakness. Rising to her feet, she grabbed a change of clothes and stepped into the bathroom. Blotchy skin and puffy eyes also served as evidence of her distress from today. The thought that Joseph had almost left caused the knot in her stomach to expand. Despite everything, she held no confidence she would have any quality of life without him. He’d been her rock…her everything…for as long as she could remember. It had always been him.

With renewed purpose, she splashed cold water on her face and began the arduous task of making herself more presentable. After several minutes and more than one layer of make-up and a fresh application of perfume, she knew this was as good as it was going to get today. A few calming breaths later, she made the return trip through the passageway to Joseph’s suite.

Not bothering to knock for fear he wouldn’t grant her admission, she pushed open the door. Joseph hadn’t appeared to move from the time she left him a few hours ago. The suitcase was still out, but it was empty and had been moved to the corner of the room. _Accessible if he needs it again._ That thought disturbed her more than she cared to admit. She didn’t want him believing that leaving was an option at all. She also noticed a bottle of scotch and a glass with the amber liquid sat next to him on the nightstand. “Can we talk?”

He gestured to the room. “Make yourself comfortable. It is your place after all. Care for a drink?”

Clarisse shook her head. “No, thank you. I’m afraid my stomach has not been receptive in accepting food or drink today.”

His face contorted with guilt. “You can’t afford to lose any more weight, Clarisse. The tabloids have already started commenting on your recent weight loss.”

She waved his concern off. “You shouldn’t read that trash. They will print anything.”

His gaze lifted to find hers. “In this case they are right. Too many more pounds and your ribs will be evident.” He fought the urge to reach out and touch the area to see if he could, in fact, feel her ribs.

She bit her tongue, not wanting to engage in her current physical stature. “I want you to tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“Share your fantasy with me. Help me understand how it was different from the hell Lester put me…put us through.” She moved over to sit on the edge of the bed.

Joseph decided to put it all on the line. He wanted her to understand how beautiful it could’ve been between them even if he held little hope they’d ever find their way back to that point. He moved over to the other side of the bed. “Will you trust me…this one last time?”

Her blue eyes filled with tears at his question. “I’ve never stopped trusting you. I never will.”

“Will you come lay beside me? I promise not to do anything to trigger a bad memory. I just want you to relax as I share.”

Figuring the day had been hellish already, it was worth the risk. She wanted to fix this chasm between the two of them. Joseph’s guilt was affecting them…had been affecting their progress and she hadn’t even fully realized the extent of it. She chose not to think about the secrets she still harbored that slowed their progress. She kicked her shoes off and lay on the side of the bed he’d just vacated. He moved to lie beside her. Close, but not touching.

“Close your eyes, please.”

She complied, hands clasped over her stomach, chest rising and falling.  Joseph’s eyes were drawn to the sight and fought the urge yet again to reach out and touch her. He missed her so much.  His voice lowered as he transported them both to the fantasy that had both fulfilled him and plagued him in equal amounts over the past few months. “Imagine we’ve just shared a wonderful dinner and a walk in your rose garden under a full moon. We come back to our room and share a glass of chilled champagne. I kiss your wet lips and the passion between us quickly escalates. I light a thousand candles bathing the room and your freckled skin in candle light.”

Clarisse smiled at his detail. “A thousand candles?”

She shivered as his warm breath washed over her ear and cheek. “It’s a metaphor, play along.”

“Sorry. Please continue.”

“You’re dressed in a white satin gown that accents all your best attributes. The flickers of the flame dance across your ample curves and the length of your beautiful legs. Your skin tastes of Chanel and your mouth is alive from the bubbles of champagne. My lips cover yours and I’m lost in your essence. My hands slide over your body and it comes alive under my touch. Years of duty and responsibility melt away as our connection deepens. You are so beautiful. Your hair is mussed and the blue of your eyes is so dark…darker than the ocean at night. I’m lost in the fathomless depths.”

Clarisse’s mind saw the picture and her body warmed at the scene he shared. Her breathing deepened and she reached out for his hand. “Go on…”

Joseph lifted her hand and placed a tender kiss on the back. “There’s nothing I want more than to give you freedom from the chains of duty and I kiss your neck and whisper that I want to give you this gift. You nod and I lift your left hand above your head and loosely secure the finest of silk scarves around your wrist and then to the bed post. My lips anoint your wrist and place kisses along the smooth lines of your arm before repeating it on the other side.”

She swallowed hard, the fear hovering on the edge of her psyche. “Kiss me,” she whispered.

Realizing she needed help keeping the demons at bay, he leaned over, careful to not put any weight on her body.  His lips brushed against hers and he squeezed her hand tighter as the gloss covered satin of her mouth pressed further into his pulling him deeper into her web. Worried he might do more damage if he lost control with her right now, he drew away…his lips hovered over hers as he whispered. “I love you, Clarisse Renaldi. I always have and I always will. Whether you can ever forgive me or we find our way back to each other, I will never stop loving you.”

Her hand cupped his cheek as her lids fluttered open. “Tell me what happens next.”

“Are you sure?”

“More than anything else.” Her lips brushed his again before she closed her eyes and settled back into the pillow and the fantasy he was weaving for her.

“Once your wrists are secured, I take my time and kiss every inch of your beautiful face, neck and chest. I love the rise and fall of your chest as the passion fills every inch of your body. You’re slowly coming undone and I find that incredibly exciting. I move lower, caressing your legs with my mouth and my hands. As I secure your ankles loosely, your knees bend and separate, inviting me into your most private of places. I know the trust you’re placing in me. You’re giving me the control of your pleasure and I whisper my thanks against your thigh as my mouth moves toward your heated center.”

Clarisse couldn’t believe it but her body was responding to his voice. Heat was building low in her abdomen, tingling starting to spread throughout her limbs. Dear God, could she really be getting aroused with the same thoughts that made her lose her breakfast just a few hours ago? Her thighs pressed closer together and she turned on her side, her hand sliding over Joseph’s rock hard chest. “You were right.”

Joseph pulled himself from the fantasy and focused on the woman in front of him. Her pupils were dilated, her breathing shallow and her legs were pressed tightly together. Dios mio, she hadn’t been repulsed by his fantasy. She may have even been excited by it. His fingers traced her cheek and over her lips, “May I hold you?”

Another tear formed in the corner of her eye as she smiled, “I would like that very much.” His arms opened and she moved closer, settling into his embrace and snuggling in close.

They enjoyed the comfort of being together for a few moments before Clarisse spoke. “Joseph, I’m sorry I reacted so poorly this morning. When I saw the suitcase…” Her body shuddered at the memory.

He squeezed her tighter, “It is I who should apologize. I wasn’t thinking clearly. The guilt was suffocating me. I’d hid it as long as I could and when I finally acted on it, I was rash and unprofessional. Please say you’ll forgive me.”

Clarisse lifted her face so she could look into his soulful blue eyes. “Only if you promise to put the suitcase away and never get it out again unless we’re going on vacation.”

He hesitated. “I want to promise you, but…”

She shook her head. “There is no but, Joseph. There is you and me.” Her voice softened and she leaned in to kiss him on the lips again. “I cannot survive without you. Don’t you understand that? I need you, Joseph.”

Her whispered plea melted his doubts. No matter where this road took him, even if it were back to the depths of hell, he’d traverse it if that’s what she wanted. He loved her more than he loved life itself. “I promise, Clarisse.”

Satisfied with his assurance, she snuggled back in, her fingers drawing patterns along his chest. “I understand the difference now. What you described was beautiful. Nothing like the horror show we lived.”

Joseph swallowed hard. He wanted to get all of this over once and for all. He adjusted her slightly so he could prop himself up on one elbow and have her full attention. “I need you to understand, Clarisse. While my fantasy captured all that is beautiful in our relationship, there was a very small part of my psyche that hated only _where_ we were forced to do what we did and the audience we had to endure. The _what_ we did still captures my imagination and if I take us away from everything else and focus only on being with you…I can’t find it in my heart to regret that. I hope you don’t hate me for that confession.”

Clarisse thought about what he said and decided she had to be honest with him as well. “I don’t hate you, but you mustn’t hate me because I can’t yet separate completely the violations they forced upon me from you and the others that were forced upon me. If it had only been you, perhaps I could do that, but I have images of Rich and Lester. I can still smell their breath, hear their grunts in my ear, feel their bodies on top of and inside mine and their hands violating me. My heart may know you were different, but my mind can’t distinguish yet.”

Joseph noticed she didn’t mention Jason. He didn’t know if that was intentional as Jason didn’t rape her…at least as far as they knew. She admitted to blacking out so who knows what happened then. Or, perhaps there was more to the situation with Jason she still wasn’t talking about. The Doc had to know something, though he didn’t know how. Clarisse had clammed up about Jason almost from the beginning. His thumb brushed across her lips, “I don’t hate you. I admire your strength and courage in the face of all that vile, evil behavior. I hate that I had to be a part of it and wish I’d been able to stop them from hurting you. It ripped into my very soul not being able to protect you.”

“We’ll find a way through the darkness together.”

Tucking her protectively in his arm again, he kissed her soft, silky hair and concentrated on the feel of her fingers sliding along his chest. A few minutes later, he heard the soft inhale and exhale of her breath, signifying she was asleep. Wanting nothing more than to wake in her arms, and his burden off his chest for the moment, he allowed himself the luxury of falling asleep next to her.

Tomorrow…

Tomorrow they would face the next round of demons and pray that one day they would find peace.

^^C/J^^

The next afternoon…

“Charlotte, perhaps you and the Queen could take a break?” Joseph offered, noting the strain on both women’s faces. His stunt yesterday had caused both of them valuable time and almost an entire day lost.

The younger woman raised her head and smiled in appreciation. Before she could answer, though, Clarisse answered. “I’m afraid there isn’t time, Joseph. But thank you for offering.”

His eyes implored Charlotte. She inhaled and forced a smile on her face. “Your Majesty, perhaps you can take a quick break while I retrieve your tea? Shades advised the weather was temperate today, maybe a quick walk?”

Joseph loved Charlotte. She was good, very good. “Come, Your Majesty. Give your diligent head of security a chance to stretch his legs.”

Clarisse shook her head and lifted it, a small smile present. “You two are relentless, but I’ll concede to a quick walk.”

Once outside the palace, Clarisse linked her arm through Joseph’s, inhaling the crisp winter air as the fresh breath energized her spirits. “Thank you for insisting I get away from the desk for a few minutes.”

He squeezed her hand. “I feel responsible for you being behind. Is there anything I can do to help you catch up?”

She leaned into him, relishing both the warmth and strength she found there. “Just your presence in the room helps me.” Her implied meaning hung in the air between them. Yesterday, he had been missed.

His arm slid around her, pulling her close. “Then I shall maintain my post until my Queen sends me away.”

Leading him around the corner of the palace, out of potentially prying eyes. Clarisse looked up and kissed him on the cheek. “She will never do such a thing.”

Joseph released her and held her face in his hands, feathering tender kisses on her forehead, cheeks and finally on her mouth. “Let me treat you to dinner on Wednesday, my place. I think it’s time for a date night.”

“I’ll bring the wine.” She whispered, kissing him one final time before the chains of duty pulled her back to her office.

_Wednesday Evening…_

“Dinner was wonderful, Joseph.” Clarisse wiped her mouth and placed her napkin on the plate. She’d actually cleaned her plate for once.  “My compliments to Chef.”

“Well Chef threw a fit, but he finally agreed to let me in the kitchen to prepare a meal for you. He’s worried about your eating habits of late.”

Clarisse’s eyes widened. “You cooked?”

“I did. I’m a man of many talents.” He stood and cleared their plates away. He hadn’t bothered with dessert as he knew neither of them would be interested. The wine and fire would provide all the after dinner treats they needed. “Shall we adjourn to the living room?”

He watched as she stood, the navy material of her dress sliding down her thighs to just above her knees.  So graceful, so beautiful. Taking her hand, he lifted it to his lips and kissed it. “You are absolutely stunning tonight, my dear.”

She blushed and cupped his cheek with her hand. “You make me feel beautiful.”

He grabbed the wine and their glasses and they moved into the living room.  He’d started a fire before dinner and with a few more logs and some tending, it roared to life. He sat next to her and pulled her until she was reclining against him, his arm around her shoulders.

“This is perfect.” Clarisse offered as she sipped some wine. She refused to think about how she’d almost lost him just a few short days ago.

Lowering his head, his lips anointed her hair. “Indeed it is.”

After a while and several sips of wine later, Joseph decided to push his luck a bit. “Do you remember the other day when I confessed, you told me you’d harbored fantasies about the two of us being intimate someday?”

He felt her stiffen slightly in his arms, but she didn’t move away. “I’ve been trying not to think about that day, but yes I remember.”

Another sip of wine provided moisture to his drying lips. With his other hand, his fingers drew small circles along her bare arm. “I’m only focusing on those words you uttered, not the rest my love.  As a matter of fact, I’ve been able to think of little else.”

She turned slightly in his embrace, crystal blue eyes holding his gaze. “Oh?”

Taking advantage of the target presented, he lowered his mouth to hers for a kiss. He moaned as her lips softened, accepting the deepening of their connection. Empty wine glasses were set aside as he drew her further into the kiss. Finally, he broke away, just enough to speak. “Will you share one of those fantasies with me?”

Clarisse was lost in his kiss, a place she’d been so many times in her fantasies…a place she could happily stay for forever. She knew there were secrets she kept from him, painful secrets. But a fantasy? Could she share something so personal with him? They’d shared so much and, considering all that had transpired between them, her reluctance would seem strangely out of place. She nodded and whispered, “Alright, I’ll will.”

Just the sound of her desire-laden whisper ratcheted his desire up several notches. He prayed he could control himself as she shared. “Thank you.” He kissed her luscious lips one more time before turning her back around to face the fire and snuggle into his embrace.

Clarisse breathed in and out a few times, allowing her mind to retreat within itself—deep within her memory where she kept the fantasies of Joseph safely hidden. She recalled one of her favorites. “This fantasy takes place in the summer, after the end of the work day. It’s still light outside, there is perhaps an hour or more before the sun will set. You mention the need for fresh air, as you often do.” She turned and smiled softly before resuming her original position. “This day we decide to go horseback riding. After several minutes of a gentle trot, we break out into a gallop. I can feel the wind whipping through my hair as my cares and duty are left behind. You ride beside me as we gallop toward the top of the mountains. There’s an old farmhouse there, abandoned, but makes the perfect place to watch the sun set over the land of Genovia.”

Joseph hugged her closer. “Sounds picture perfect thus far.”

“We arrive at the top of the mountain, exhilarated and energized. We tie off the horses and then lean against the back of the old house to watch the sunset. There is not another person around for miles and I lean over and whisper in your ear, asking you to make love to me, here and now.”

The thought of Clarisse being so direct in her commands and so free in her desires spiked his arousal another notch or two. He nuzzled in against her cheek, placing kisses along the side of her face. “Go on,” he encouraged.

Clarisse licked her lips and breathed deeply before continuing, “You move in front of me, your fingers slowly unbuttoning my blouse and pulling it free from my riding pants. You kneel before me to remove the boots and the pants follow. I stand before you now in nothing but my lace bra and blouse. I feel alive and so aroused, I can barely wait for you to touch me. I don’t have to wait long as you whisper for me to keep my eyes open and watch the sun set behind you. Your hands and lips work together to drive me to the brink of insanity…it’s all I can do to keep my eyes open as you request. The sky is a brilliant orange and the rays reach down to infuse me with light and life.”

Joseph’s hands could remain still no longer and he began to gently soothe up and down the length of her arms, the urge to touch her more intimately nearly overwhelming him. “Such a beautiful picture you’re painting.”

“You make love to me, right there, against the wall as I watch the sun set until I can no longer keep my eyes open as you lift me higher and higher into the heavens. I shout your name and lean heavily on you until my body floats back to earth.”

She exhaled slowly, trying to calm the nerve endings firing throughout her body. Moving away from his embrace, she turned to look at him. He was so handsome and the fire light dancing across his tanned skin did nothing to diminish her desire for him. “So you see, Joseph. I harbored thoughts of us being together prior to that weekend as well. I love you and someday, I want to be able to make all of our fantasies come true.” She cupped his cheek. “Until that day, though, we must focus on healing and finding new firsts and beginnings for us to bring us to the place where we can live out all of our fantasies.”

She watched as his pupils dilated and darkened, the deepest of midnight blues. “May I kiss you good night?”

Her fingers traced and caressed his full mouth. “I would be disappointed if you did not do so.”

Joseph stood and extended his hand to her, pulling her to a standing position in front of him. Guiding her until her back was to the wall opposite the fire, he whispered. “Keep your eyes open and watch the fire until you can no longer do so.”

The fact she was standing prevented any nightmares from invading this moment between the two of them. His lips paid homage to every inch of her face before moving to her neck. She angled her head to allow him room and, with valiant effort, kept her eyes trained on the dancing flames as Joseph’s kisses and his hands on her arms steadily built the fire deep within her body. Finally, his mouth covered hers and his hands released her arms. She pulled him into her embrace as his tongue swept across her mouth, practically begging for entrance.  A low moan escaped her carefully guarded control as she allowed herself, for just a few moments, to be lost in his kiss. The pressure built to an unbearable level and her eyes closed as lacy tendrils of need spread throughout her lower body awakening sensations she’d fought valiantly to bury since that weekend.

Finally, he broke the connection and ran his thumb along her swollen lips. “I look forward to the day when we can take this to the next level. Thank you for sharing your story with me.”

Her hand cupped his cheek and held him close for a few moments longer. “Thank you for dinner and a wonderful evening.”

 

 

_February 14_

Clarisse was nervous. Not a gut-wrenching, heart pounding kind of nervous. No, this was the butterfly in your stomach, knees turning to jelly kind of nervous excitement that made focus impossible. Oh she’d tried…she really had. Charlotte finally took mercy on her and shuffled the schedule around so she could try to relax in the afternoon before her big date with Joseph.

Valentine’s Day. A day for love and lovers. Though their relationship had been anything but normal, especially lately, they had a relationship and there were some similarities to those of “normal” people.

“That’s it for today, Your Majesty.” Charlotte smiled at her.

Clarisse breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Charlotte. I’m sure you had to juggle a few things, but…”

“It will do us all good to have a little extra time to get ready for this evening.”

The older woman smiled affectionately at the blush slowly climbing up her assistant’s neck. “Do you and Scott have big plans?”

Her smile widened. “He won’t tell me. Says it’s a surprise. I’m usually not a fan of surprises, but…”

“But in this case, it’s acceptable.” Clarisse nodded. She understood. Joseph had promised her a surprise tonight as well.

“I’m sorry you won’t be able to leave the palace because we’re going out.” Charlotte offered as they finished putting away the work from the day.

“Nonsense, I prefer to stay in. You know how challenging it is to get a private moment when I’m out. You two go, enjoy yourselves. Joseph and I will be perfectly fine.”

“Thank you, ma’am. Shall we adjourn to our suites?”

Clarisse cleared the rest of her desk and locked away the more confidential documents. She heard Charlotte on the phone, “Eagle is ready to fly.” She smiled at the code names they’d adopted for each other. Mia had been assigned the sparrow and she’d heard Joseph refer to Charlotte as “Mama Bird” while Scott earned “Papa Bear.” She realized she didn’t know what they called Joseph. Perhaps she’d ask him tonight.

“Shades reports all clear for your walk to the suite. Felix is waiting to escort us.”

“So he’ll be flying the Eagle and Mama Bird to their nests?”

Charlotte laughed. “Yes, ma’am. I believe he will.”

The next few hours passed by interminably slow. Joseph had called once and asked her to be ready by six. She’d chosen a red, knee-length dress with a scooped bodice. The front was modest, only dipping low enough to reveal the top half inch or so of her cleavage. She chose a simple gold chain with a ruby tear drop that rested perfectly in the revealed area. Matching earrings and bracelet finished off the set.

At exactly six, there was a knock on the door. “Joseph?”

Before she would have invited in whoever had knocked knowing security had allowed the visitor. These days, she operated with more caution.

“Your dark knight awaits.” His cheerful voice weaved through the door.

Smiling, she unlocked and opened the door. “Here I thought it would my white knight in shining armor to great me.” Her eyes drank in the tall drink of black coffee he made in the black ensemble he’d chosen to wear tonight. The only splash of color the red silk pocket kerchief in his breast pocket and the single red rose he carried.

He extended the rose. “For you m’lady. Do you remember the first time I gave you a single red rose?”

She stepped away from the door to allow him in as she lifted the rose to inhale deeply. “Indeed I do. We’d been delayed in Paris for hours and I’d stowed away in my office on the plane trying to catch up on paperwork. We were supposed to have our first date night that evening, but Charlotte had advised I was expected to attend a dinner at the Prime Minister’s home when I finally made it back to Genovia. You surprised me with a rose and my favorite pastry from one of the bakeries there and told me we’d have dessert together before dinner.” She reached up and cupped his cheek, smiling affectionately. “It was perhaps one of the most romantic things anyone had done for me up to that point in my life.”

He leaned forward and kissed her gently on the forehead. “You look stunning tonight, my dear.”

Her face heated at the compliment. “Thank you. You look very handsome yourself.”

Joseph extended his arm. “Shall we?”

“I need to put the rose in water.”

“No, bring it with you.”

The butterflies fluttered their wings rapidly as she considered what they might do with the rose once they reached their destination. Joseph’s warm breath near her ear sent shivers of delight dancing across her skin. “You’re thinking of the first time I seduced you into a kiss with the rose, aren’t you?”

She swallowed hard and nodded. He closed the door behind them and they started their walk to wherever and whatever Joseph had planned for this evening.

As they walked, he recalled. “I remember that night well, as if it were yesterday. We’d been having dinner a couple times a month when our schedules allowed and we even kissed that evening at the dance. But a part of me longed to watch those beautiful blue eyes of yours darken with passion before they closed with the kiss.”

Her grip on his arm tightened in response to the memory. “It was quite an evening as I recall.” Her heart beat even faster as she realized he was guiding her to the part of the castle that had been her dance studio when she first came to the palace and, when they thought Helen might be staying with them, they’d added wall to wall windows to allow in the natural light for an art studio for her.

He opened the door and gestured for her to enter. The rapid beating of her heart along with the catch of her breath stopped her movement as she drank in the surroundings. Candles had been lit and placed strategically around the room to take advantage of the ceiling to floor mirrors on two of the four walls. The fading sunset swirled with the candle light to create a palette of colors along the light wooden floor. “Oh Joseph, it’s beautiful.”

Joseph didn’t even notice the room as his eyes were fixed on the image of Clarisse in red, the candlelight bathing her freckled skin in a soft glow. He moved his hands to her waist and guided her backward until she could clasp the ballet barre lining the wall. Retrieving the rose from her grip, he slid the delicate flower along her cheek. As her eyes closed in response, he whispered. “No, you are beautiful.” He continued the caress, “Do you remember the first time…?”

God help her she did. They’d gone for a walk in her rose garden and, by an off chance or perhaps by Joseph’s careful planning, they’d discovered they were all alone. No gardeners, no other security, no one but them. Joseph had kissed her until she’d stepped back enough to feel the solid brick of the wall behind her. Then, without saying a word, he’d plucked a rose from its vine and proceeded to caress every inch of skin available to his touch. Though the rose ventured nowhere forbidden, the whispered touch of the flower along with the intense look of desire in Joseph’s eyes had nearly melted her where she stood.

The rose traversed her neck and she swallowed hard, her eyes closing from the sensations combined with the memory. “I remember…”

When the petals caressed the line of her necklace and moved lower, she gripped the bar in an effort to remain standing.  Once he’d outlined the scoop of her neckline, she felt his breath near her cheek. “May I kiss you?” His hands held her waist and she felt the light pressure of the rose against her breast, igniting the aching deep within her body. An ache she knew instinctively only Joseph could ease.

She opened her eyes and smiled, “No, I think I shall kiss you.”

His thumbs gently caressed her sides as his lips moved closer. “Far be it from me to deny the lady what she wants.”

Clarisse released her hold on the bar and slid her arms around his neck, pulling him close. “Happy Valentine’s Day, my love.” With those words, her lips pressed against his as they sealed the beauty of this moment with a kiss.

Joseph reluctantly broke away from the delectable taste of her lips. “We should eat before the soup is cold. Though, I confess, to enjoying dessert.”

Confident words would fail her at the moment so she responded by cupping his cheek and nodding. He slipped his hand in hers and they moved across the room to where the table had been set for two. “Did you cook this time?” She asked with a smile.

Joseph chuckled. “Chef insisted he be given the pleasure of preparing the meal this time.” He lifted the covers off the plate to reveal a filet mignon, steamed vegetables and a baked potato with spaghetti as its topper.

“Oh Joseph, don’t tell me you didn’t have something to do with this.”

He winked, “I may have had some input into the menu. Now, please. Enjoy.”

Dinner and dessert progressed by in a pleasurable manner with only one interruption. The piece in Joseph’s ear must have signaled him as he stopped and pressed his index finger to the tiny receiver in his ear. “The Eagle is with me. Thank you for checking. Enjoy your evening.”

Hearing her call sign, she set her utensils down. “I’ve been meaning to ask you what your name is.”

Joseph eyed her curiously. “You’ve always called me Joseph.”

She grinned. “No, I mean your code name. Security, along with Charlotte, refer to me as The Eagle and Amelia is the Sparrow. I believe I’ve also heard names for Charlotte and Shades as well. I’ve never heard yours.”

He shook his head. “My name isn’t important. You and the Princess are the only ones who are referred to officially.”

She propped her chin on her hands and focused her gaze on him. “Officially, The Eagle would like to know.”

Clarisse could see his blush even in the fading light. It was endearing that even after everything life had dealt him…from war, loss and now torture, there were still some things that could make her all-male head of security blush. “Please…”

Joseph reached across the table and grabbed her hand, lifting it to his lips. “I could never deny you or your undying curiosity. My call sign is Alpha Wolf. It was wolf before because they are very protective of their pack and mate for life.”

The thought of being Joseph’s mate for life warmed her heart and she prayed, yet again, they would continue to make progress to that end. So far this year, things had been going well despite the setbacks. “And the alpha?”

He kissed her hand again, smiled and shrugged. “I’m the boss, the alpha male of the security pack if you will.”

Her fingers caressed his recently shaved cheek. “I think your code name is perfect and,” she winked. “when it comes to security, you are the boss.”

He laughed, “But nowhere else.”

She joined in the laughter and resumed eating her dinner. “Indeed.”

Clarisse ate more than she’d eaten in months at one sitting. Finally, the plates were clean and she stood to pour some tea for herself and coffee for him. “I’m assuming you prefer coffee for your after dinner drink.”

He moved to retrieve the dessert tray. “Yes, it has always worked for me. No sense in changing it up now. You may want coffee as well to go along with dessert.”

She stopped pouring and looked at him. “Oh?”

Joseph smiled. He loved the way her face showed so many of the emotions she tried valiantly to hide. Others may not notice the subtlety in her expressions, but he’d studied her face for years and he knew. “We’ve talked a lot about the firsts. The firsts we’ve had together. The firsts they took away from us.” He regretted the momentary flash of pain he witnessed in her eyes, but he needed to set the stage. Quickly, he added. “I thought it might be nice to create a new first of our own.”

Clarisse set the pot of tea down before pouring it into her cup. She liked the idea. “You had something specific in mind?”

Removing another cover, he revealed chocolate covered strawberries. “I thought being the first to feed you a chocolate covered strawberry would be nice.”

She skipped over the coffee and tea and poured some of the champagne Chef left chilling. “And how do you know I’ve never been fed a chocolate covered strawberry before?” She teased as she handed him the glass of champagne.

Joseph moved into her space, the stem of a decadent berry grasped between his fingers. He held it above her mouth, his voice low and seductive. “Even if you had, my love, it will not be as sweet as when I feed this first one to you.”

Clarisse sat her glass on the table and licked her lips as she anticipated the first bite of the fruit. Rather than feed her immediately, Joseph traced the tip of the berry along her lips, leaving a trace of the milk chocolate on her heated mouth. When he pulled the fruit away, her tongue slid along the same path to capture the chocolate trail. “Mmmm….”

He repeated the gesture again, fascinated by the movement of her tongue against her lips. His groin tightened as he considered her tongue moving against his mouth and, even better, tangling with his tongue in a battle for control. “Open your mouth,” he whispered.

She complied and tried to be patient as the prize waited just beyond her taste. Her breath was deep and measured as she waited. Joseph’s hand cupped her cheek holding her still as he lowered the berry for her first bite. Flavor exploded in her mouth as the slight tartness of the berry, the sweetness of the chocolate and the caress of the juice filled her senses. She chewed slowly, her eyes locked on Joseph’s. Without a doubt, she knew the darkness of his orbs reflected what he saw in hers. The moment she swallowed his mouth crashed down on hers eliciting a moan of pleasure. How long they stayed locked in this moment, she couldn’t be sure. She only knew that this first with Joseph would be something she never forgot. “So was that your first?”

Her hand slid along his chest before resting over his heart. “Indeed it was, but even if it had not been. Any other experience would have paled in comparison.” She reached over and picked up another strawberry. “Your turn.”

Joseph smiled. Last year may have been the worst they’d ever had, but this year showed promise to be one of the best. He’d revealed his secret story and they had survived. How much worse could it get?

^^C/J^^


	21. The Absence of Closure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The need for closure drives Clarisse to make a very important decision...without Joseph.
> 
> The fallout from her decision affects not only their relationship, but others closest to them as well.

Chapter 21

The Absence of Closure

Feb 28

Clarisse sat at her desk, willing the endless stack of paperwork to disappear. Stifling a sigh, she couldn’t stop the small smile that appeared. She’d wished for that small miracle countless times. It had never worked. This was as close to normal as life got for her. They’d settled into a routine. On the surface, no one would see the trauma resting below her carefully constructed façade.

While the initial shockwave from their time in hell had passed, there was still much healing to be done. She and Joseph had not talked much about the weekend outside of their weekly sessions with Dr. Weston. Though he meant well, the doctor continued to pressure both of them to share more of what they kept locked away. Well, as she gave it more thought, she had no idea if Joseph were hiding anything from her or not. She only knew what she kept locked away.

Many sleepless nights brought her to a decision at three this morning. She knew what had to be done. The problem was, she couldn’t do it alone. This time she let the sigh escape. No time like the present. She removed her reading glasses and dug deep for the courage to ask her assistant and friend for help. “Charlotte?”

“Yes ma’am.”

She stood and stretched out the kinks in her neck before walking over to stand by Charlotte’s desk. “As you probably know, Joseph’s birthday is coming up next week.”

Charlotte smiled. “I do.”

“Well, I’m certain you can appreciate how difficult it is to purchase a gift as a surprise for him.”

Charlotte nodded. “Since he’s typically our escort when we leave the palace, I can see how that would be challenging.”

Clarisse moved closer. She needed Charlotte’s buy-in for the whole plan. “I happen to know Joseph has an appointment with Dr. Weston for a check-up tomorrow afternoon. Perhaps Scott could accompany us for an excursion?”

She watched as recognition dawned on Charlotte’s face. “Yes, I’m sure that can be arranged. Do you have an area in mind?”

Here came the difficult part. She gestured to Charlotte to follow her to the couch on the other side of her office. Once seated, she turned and became very serious. “I fear my motives are duplicitous. While we are out, I’d like to visit the place where…Where those three men are buried. I need to see the tombstones and say my peace. Because of my physical condition and being unconscious, I was never afforded the opportunity for proper closure.”

Charlotte’s countenance shifted through several emotions, evident by the changes in her expression. Her hands rhythmically clenching and unclenching in her lap added to the show of distress. “You want me to locate where they’re buried, convince Scott to take us there, and keep Joseph in the dark?”

Clarisse looked away. “I want to tell Joseph, but I fear he won’t understand.”

While Charlotte couldn’t guess whether Joseph would understand, she was confident he wouldn’t be pleased. “I’m willing to try, but I can’t promise he won’t tell Joseph at some point. That’s not my promise to make.” _Or that Joseph won’t find out on his own…_

It wasn’t perfect, but the most she could hope for. Both Charlotte and Scott took their duty very seriously. Charlotte wanted to keep her happy and, as such, would try to make this happen. But Scott had a fierce loyalty to Joseph that matched his loyalty to his queen. She nodded. “I appreciate any assistance you can provide. Please let Scott know should Joseph’s wrath be incited, I’m prepared to take full responsibility even to the point of telling him I made it an order from the Queen. Joseph won’t like it, but he won’t blame Scott for following my orders.”

Charlotte stood and nodded. “Understood, ma’am. I’ll begin looking into the matter straightaway.”

^^C/J^^

“I need you to hurry this up, Doc.” Joseph hated being away from Clarisse, especially these days. Especially when she was away from the palace.

“What’s the urgency?” Doc Weston carefully surveyed Joseph’s back.

He turned and leveled a glare before resuming his original position. “Ah, Her Majesty is not in residence this afternoon and your appointment with me has prevented you from accompanying her.”

“No, she prevented me from accompanying her.” Joseph grumbled.

The doctor moved to Joseph’s front and took his hands to study his wrists. “I don’t understand.”

Joseph sighed. “She’s shopping for my birthday.”

The older man smiled, “I see. You trust your second in command?”

“That’s not the issue.”

Doctor Weston pulled a chair up next to the table, sat down and crossed his legs leveling soft brown eyes into Joseph’s intense blue ones. “Oh but it is. He is the man that will be protecting the life of my future queen. Are you saying he’s not up to the job?”

“Are we done here?”

“I know it’s your job to protect her, Joseph but sometimes you have to take a step back. Perspective is important.”

Joseph decided he was done even if the doctor wasn’t. He stood up and began to dress. Once his pants and shirt were back on, he turned to the doctor, still sitting in his chair watching him with keen eyes. “This is not my job. She is my life.” He moved over and sat down in a chair opposite him. “I’m an intense kind of guy. Her life is my life. From the moment I looked into those magnificent blue eyes, she became the sole reason for my existence. You protect life with medicine, treatment and all tender loving care. I protect life by giving mine in exchange.”

Before Doc Weston could respond, Joseph’s phone buzzed. He lifted it to his ear, never taking his eyes off the doctor. “Speak!”

He listened as Shades explained where he was and why. “Text me the address, I’ll be there as soon as I can. Do not leave.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Your other patient ordered my second in command to take her to where those bastards are buried. While I go bring her back kicking and screaming, you better figure out how you’re going to talk your way through this one with her.”

Doc Weston watched Joseph leave. He sighed. Life with these two was never boring.

**

Shades disconnected the phone, praying he’d done the right thing. Charlotte had asked him not to tell Joseph they had planned to come here, but she hadn’t said anything about after they’d arrived. Besides, he made no promise for silence. Joseph was going to be spitting mad when he got here, but he believed it was better to tell him now than for him to find out later. He watched the two women as they stood near the graves.

Clarisse felt the chill from the air all around her, seeping through her coat and deep into her skin. Just below her feet, the three men responsible for putting her through hell lay silently in their graves. She looked at the tombstones. Initials along with their dates of death were the only inscriptions on the flat slab of concrete. Turning to Charlotte, she asked. “Why?”

“This field is where we place those who have no one to claim the body or give them a proper burial. The way the tombstone is marked denotes they died in disgrace. With no birth date or dash and only initials, anyone who sees this will know their life counted for nothing and only their death marked them as memorable.”

The tears began to slide from Clarisse’s tightly guarded lids as she spoke. “Oh their lives counted for something…they counted for the most hellish weekend of my life. They took so much. They took…” Emotion overwhelmed her and she fell to her knees.

Charlotte gasped and dropped down beside her as her arm snaked across her shoulders, holding her tight. “Ma’am…Clarisse? Are you alright?”

Out of the corner of her eye, Charlotte sensed Scott moving toward them and she held her hand up to stop him. Whatever Clarisse needed to say, she wanted to let her get it out so they didn’t have to ever come back here again.

“They took everything from me…from us.” She touched the slab with Rich’s initials. “He raped me and took my dignity time and time again. Such a pathetic man. I wonder if he ever had sex with a willing woman.”

Charlotte listened in silence, keeping her hold on her friend and ignoring the chill seeping through her hosiery. “What else?” she whispered, encouraging her to get it all out.

“Lester… He… oh god…”

“He raped you as well?” Shades had told him about finding Lester committing the actual act when he first stepped in the room, ready to shoot him.

“Yes, but that wasn’t the worst of it. Rich was physical abuse, Lester played games…with Joseph and I…robbed us of everything. Got inside my mind…used me…used Joseph…”

Truthfully, Charlotte wasn’t sure what she meant by her ramblings but she wasn’t about to ask questions at a time like this.

Shades watched Charlotte comfort the queen. He was thankful this place was never visited by anyone as Joseph would surely kill him where he stood if she were to be seen like this out in public. At the thought of Joseph, the sleek Jaguar pulled up and the older man jumped out. He took one look at the women and then stormed toward him. “Boss, let me explain…”

Joseph’s hand went up to stop him. “There is nothing you can say to make this right at the moment. You let your personal relationship with Charlotte influence your decision.”

“But sir, the Queen ordered me…”

Joseph moved closer, invading his space.  For the first time, he feared the man that stood before him. “Your job is to protect the crown and sometimes that means from herself. If you couldn’t make the call, then you should’ve told me. I’m disappointed, Scott. How can I believe you’re ready to take over if you make a bad judgment call like this?”

Scott hung his head. He knew Joseph was right. He’d let his relationship with Charlotte influence his decision to not stop this from happening. “I’m sorry, sir.”

“We’ll discuss it later. Get in the car. I’m sending Charlotte and then I’ll deal with Clarisse.”

He knew it was pointless to argue and there was nothing he could say or do at this point to protect either of the women. He only hoped Charlotte would forgive him…someday. “Yes, sir.”

Joseph tried to take a calming breath but seeing Clarisse on her knees in a complete emotional breakdown fueled his anger at the men and this situation even more. He took long steps to bring him alongside them. “Go to the car, Charlotte!”

Tearful blue eyes looked up at him. “Please, Joe…give us a minute.”

“Now!”

She saw the fury in his eyes, but the quiet sobs of her friend held her in place. She turned from his anger and back to comforting Clarisse. She felt him crouch down beside her, his approach a bit softer. “Charlotte, I need you to go to the car.”

She shook her head as the tears fell. She couldn’t believe what he said next. “This is an order, Charlotte. As head of security, the safety of the queen supersedes all else. You want to keep your job? You get to the car now!”

“It’s alright, Charlotte. I’ll be fine.” Having received the only approval she sought, Charlotte struggled to her feet and leveled one final glare at Joseph before heading toward the car.

Joseph moved closer to Clarisse, leaned down and secured her elbow and hand to assist her up. “You have to get off the ground, Clarisse. You’ll catch your death.”

“I needed to do this, Joseph. Needed to see them in the ground. Needed the closure.”

His temper simmered just below the surface, but he fought for control with her. “You needed to be honest with me and tell me. How could you not trust me with this? I would have been here with you, helping you through.”

“I didn’t think you’d understand or would insist I not come here.”

His eyes widened. “After everything we’ve been through, everything these three men put us through, you stand before me and think that I would pass judgment on your feelings? I have never denied you anything…ANYTHING Clarisse, even when your wishes or needs came at great personal cost. We agreed to share, yet you kept this a secret from me because you believed you knew how I’d react, how I would feel about your being here. Well, guess what? I hate that you’re here. I hate these men. I hate what they did to us. And, I hate that you used Charlotte’s affection toward you and her relationship with Scott to force them both down a path that led to insubordination.”

His accusation snapped Clarisse out of her dark place. “You wouldn’t?!”

“I’m considering it. If it does go in their file, you must understand you are ultimately responsible for the mark on their service record. All you had to do was talk to me, Clarisse. Your refusal to do so has hurt me more than you can imagine. Now, let’s go.”

“Joseph…I…” She looked to the graves yet again.

This woman might be the death of him yet and, if she kept it up, it wouldn’t be because he took a bullet for her but rather that she drove a knife into his heart. “You want to know what I think of these three men and what I need for closure?”

“What?”

He leaned over and spit on each of their graves. “That’s all I needed. You and Doc Weston can figure out what you need, but I’m done. Now, I’ll ask you again…nicely, for the last time, let’s go.”

With one last look at the three stone slabs, she walked away. She prayed the three people closest to her would find a way to forgive her and that Dr. Weston would help her find the closure she desperately needed to rid herself of the iron grip of control these three men still held over her life.

^^C/J^^

_March 5_

The past several days had been pure hell for Clarisse and her staff. Joseph was still upset with her and his anger at Charlotte and Scott continued. Although he’d decided not to place a letter or any other notation in their file for the part they played in her plan, he made no secret of his displeasure with all three of them.

Closing the last file folder that remained on her desk, she slipped it in the drawer and locked it. The proposal for expanding the boardwalk would have to wait until tomorrow. "Charlotte, I believe I'm done for the day. Would you be a dear and have the chef send up dinner for two and then enjoy the rest of your evening."

Clarisse hoped she might be able to reason with Joseph over dinner. She walked to the door where Joseph had been standing guard for the last couple hours. "Joseph, would you accompany me outside? They are preparing to plant the new nocturnal garden and I would like to check the progress."

Instead of offering his arm, Joseph gestured for her to lead the way. Once she passed, he took his place two steps behind her. Clarisse walked along the path but instead of observing the new additions to her garden, her mind was on the man following her every move. _How do I explain this to him? He will never understand why. Why did I not talk to him first? We were finally making progress and had made it to a safer place in our relationship. I must find a way to make him understand my fears and fix this._

Realizing the fresh air wasn’t helping and her heart really wasn’t up to visiting the garden, she turned on her heel and headed back to the inside. Once outside her door, Joseph moved in front of her in order to clear the suite before she could enter. It was something new he’d insisted on after the incident with Lydia.

Once he returned, he said nothing but gestured for her to enter. Clarisse paused directly in front of him. "Will you stay and have dinner with me?" Her voice barely registered above a whisper, the fear of rejection standing firmly between them.

Joseph shifted on his feet. "I'm not sure that's a good idea today."

Reaching out, Clarisse rested her hand against his arm "Please stay... just for dinner and then if you still want to leave, I’ll understand."

He really never could refuse her anything, never quite sure why he even tried. He nodded and shut the door. Needing something to help settle the constant buzzing of his nervous system these days, he made his way over to the bar and poured himself a scotch and a glass of the wine Chef had left for her.

He held the glass in her direction. “Would you care for a drink?”

She moved across the room and took the proffered glass. She fought to keep her hands from trembling. Everything was such a mess…again. She took her seat at the table. "Thank you."

Sitting across from her, Joseph eyed the plate in front of him. Salmon was never a favorite of his. He’d pick at it for a reasonable time and then he could escape back to his quarters. How could he be expected to have pleasant dinner conversation with her and not let something slip that would toss him amongst the ranks of insubordinate as well? Just as he’d lashed out at Shades for letting his personal feelings and relationships affect his job, he had to be careful to avoid the same pitfall--not an easy task for either of them…especially considering the women they loved.

After several bites, Clarisse found the courage to look in Joseph’s direction. "I'm sorry. I didn’t check the menu. If I had done so, I would have requested something different. I know you dislike fish."

"I'll be fine ma'am."

Hearing the same name he’d called her right after all of the nightmare happened, she set her fork down. It was time. “Ma’am? Really, Joseph, are we back to that? I have apologized multiple times regarding my decision about the visit to the cemetery. I know you were…are…upset and I've tried very hard to give you space and time, but we can't keep doing this."

He took a deep breath and tried to keep his voice level and calm. "We are back to ma’am, because you regressed our relationship to a level where not only did you not need to speak to me about your desire to visit the cemetery, but you kept the decision to do so from me as well. I know there is so much more going on here than a mere visit to an unapproved location and please don’t insult me by saying there isn’t.”

He grabbed his drink and stood, taking a few sips for courage. “I know you better than anyone else in this world.” He drained the rest of the liquid and set the glass down. “Since you believe you know what's best for our relationship, why don't you and Dr. Weston discuss it tomorrow at your appointment?"

Clarisse stood. This conversation had not been anywhere close to the one she’d wanted to have. “You mean our appointment?"

"No. I mean your appointment. I’m sitting this one out. You made it perfectly clear you don’t need me for this particular challenge. Perhaps you should take Charlotte instead." He moved quickly to the door, needing to escape. He knew his words hurt, but he was hurting right now too. Her lack of trust in him cut straight to the core.

She had to try one last time to make him understand. "I need you to be there as I discuss this with Dr. Weston. Perhaps with his help, I can make you understand…I need you to understand. "

He knew he’d regret the words, but he spoke them anyway. "What you needed to do was trust me. I’m sorry, Clarisse. Tomorrow, you’re on your own." Opening the door, Joseph started to step out into the corridor when he felt her hand latch onto his sleeve.

The tears she had been fighting swelled in her blue eyes, threating to overflow. "I’m not sure what else I can say or do to convince you of my sincerity in this matter. Don’t make one lapse in my judgment undo all our hard work. Please reconsider your decision."

Removing her hand from his arm, he held it for a brief moment before letting it drop. A small part of him knew he was being unreasonable, but the other part needed her to understand how very deeply she’d hurt him. He offered the best compromise he could. "I'll think about it, but I can’t make any promises." Without looking back, he stepped into the hall and closed the door behind him.

With nothing more to say or do, Clarisse found her way to the sofa and stared into the dark, empty fireplace. _How had they gone from feeding each other strawberries to this?_ The tears from earlier streamed down her face as she curled up into a ball, holding herself. _After everything they survived, all the sessions with Dr. Weston, could this really be the final nail in the coffin of their relationship? If she lost him, she’d have no one to blame but herself. She couldn’t get those men out of her head and she couldn’t make Joseph understand how much that affected her ability to move forward in a relationship with him._

The tears continued to fall until exhaustion won over and the bliss of sleep finally claimed her. She would have peace…for a few hours at least.

^^C/J^^


	22. Together...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarisse and Joseph deal with the fallout from the graveyard incident and, before they can find their footing again...a call from Amelia sets their entire world spinning. Can they work through this new set of challenges together?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your patience - I know it's been awhile since there's been an update. I'm afraid edits on my novel (due to the publisher today) were consuming most of my time. As the deadline has now been met, getting an update out to you was next on the list!! If you'd like to know more about the novel - message me and I'll be happy to share :)

Chapter 22

Together…

_March 6 – Session with Dr. Weston_

Clarisse paced back and forth in front of the door where she was to meet Doctor Weston. Joseph had given her no indication regarding his decision on attending this session. As he was currently not present, she had to believe he decided not to join her. She knew Joseph seldom changed his mind, but she’d hoped her final plea last night would cause a change of heart.

The footsteps coming down the hall were too brisk to be Joseph's. Turning, she saw Dr. Weston and the little hope she had been hanging onto slipped away...he wasn't coming.

"Good Morning, Clarisse."

"Morning, Doctor."

Dr. Weston opened the door and stepped to the side, allowing Clarisse to pass first before he entered. "It appears we are missing Joseph. Is he running late?"

Clarisse lifted her head to find his gaze, fighting to keep her composure. "He's...he's not coming."

At her admission, he stopped unpacking his briefcase and made eye contact with her. Though he couldn’t imagine what would prevent Joseph from attending, especially if the Queen was here, he offered. "If there is a conflict, we can always reschedule for a time that fits into both your schedules. Do you know what kept him from coming?"

She moved to sit in her usual place at the end of the couch, her favorite pillow making its way to her lap. She inhaled and exhaled slowly before making her statement as calmly as possible. "He's not coming because of me." Before he could say anything, she continued. "I'll save you the trouble from asking. I made a decision, one I did not include him in and he was furious with me."

She returned her attention to the pillow. "Not just was...is...still furious with me."

This was worse than he’d anticipated. He needed to understand the depth of the setback for his patients. “I see. Are you two still speaking?" Just as he finished asking the question, there was a soft knock at the door before the handle turned and Joseph stepped in the room, closing the door behind him.

"Sorry I'm late."

Clarisse couldn't decide if she was worried or relieved Joseph had arrived. She looked from him back to the Doctor. "I'm speaking, but he isn't listening."

Motioning towards the sofa, Dr. Weston addressed Joseph. "Please come and join us. I was asking Clarisse why you weren’t here. She’d just started telling me about a decision she made earlier in the week causing tension between you."

Taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch, Joseph leveled a glare at Clarisse. “The tension she speaks of is not just between her and I. She managed to involve the staff as well. Perhaps she should continue sharing."

Holding up his hand to stop Clarisse, the doctor focused on Joseph again. "Before we get to the reason for this tension, I want to know why you led Clarisse to believe you’d decided not to attend today. You both agreed to joint sessions, have been adamant in fact, which means you are both to be present for all sessions unless I request otherwise."

Joseph’s aggravation level rose. "You want to know why? It’s very simple. After everything Clarisse and I have endured and overcame this past year she still doesn't trust me. She feels the need hide her feelings."

Clarisse turned to him, her frustration level rising as well. Was he being stubborn or was she just ineffectual sharing her position? "It was because of all those circumstances, I didn't want to share. You seem to have made your peace with those three men and what they did to you. I haven't been able to do that yet. I did this not just for me, Joseph, but for us. Us! Do you understand that?" She tore her gaze away from him and looked at a spot on the other side of the room before finishing. "Based on your reaction, then and now, I can see you don't understand at all."

 "US! How is there ever going to be an us when you keep things hidden for fear I might not agree or understand your reasoning. You are right, I have made my peace but I would never prevent you from finding yours. You think I'm upset you went to the cemetery? That's not why I'm upset and for you to even suggest I wouldn't understand hurts more than you can imagine."

 Dr. Weston interjected before this got out of hand. “I think I might need a little more information now. Clarisse what exactly was the decision that led to this?"

The hurt and pain in Joseph's voice tore at her very heart. What was worse, she hadn't even truly gotten the closure she wanted either. She was about to confront Jason when Joseph interrupted and stopped her. The entire exercise was for naught. The weight of her decision, the fallout…everything weighed mightily on her heart. "It doesn't matter now anyway. Joseph was right. I took matters entirely in my own hands and now everyone, including myself, is suffering." Needing to finish coming clean to avoid adding the doctor to the ever growing list of people disappointed in her, she confessed. "I wanted to visit the gravesite of the three men in order to find closure."

Dr. Weston studied both patients that sat before him. Joseph wore his pain on his face, visible for the world to see whereas Clarisse bottled her feelings up and fought to maintain her composure when they surfaced. Keeping his attention on Clarisse, he noted she’d reverted to occupying her hands with the pillow. A serious sign of regression, he feared. "And did you find the closure you were seeking?"

"No." She couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice. "Joseph decided it was time to leave and pulled rank. So we left."

Standing up, Joseph walked to the bookshelf needing to put distance between himself and Clarisse. He ignored her accusation and lashed out again. "You used Charlotte. Together, the two of you manipulated Scott to make all of this happen. Yet you sit there and suggest I was the one pulling rank, the one dictating terms?"

She turned toward him. She always accepted responsibility for her actions, regardless of the outcome. "You're right, I did. I didn't see any other way that didn't involve you. I'm not blaming you. You did your job as you should. I simply stated for the doctor what happened."

"That's the problem, Clarisse. You didn't involve me. We are supposed to be a team, we work on everything together, yet you made the decision to leave me out. Why?"

The tears would no longer be contained. "Sometimes I make emotional decisions, Joseph. It's a rare occurrence but even I make bad decisions from time to time." She stood and held his gaze. "You are a man of action, I'm a woman who needs to process. You spit on their graves and you were done. You say you would understand, but Charlotte begged you to give us a few more minutes...the time SHE understood I needed, but instead you threatened her job and sent her away. A moment later, you pulled rank on me as well. Help me understand, based on your reaction that day and in days past, how my assessment was incorrect?" The resignation in her voice shared how truly at a loss she was. "We are a team, but even the best of teams sometimes need to practice alone."

He couldn’t look at her anymore. Somewhere in his grave disappointment, some of her words rang true. "My reaction that day wasn't because of where you were or because of what you were seeking. My reaction was because you left me in the dark. How did you expect me to react when I learned of your whereabouts? I had no idea you were going to the cemetery, you were supposed to be shopping. Your life is my responsibility. When Shades called, I panicked. I was operating out of pure fear. As a result, I kept you from finding the closure you need. I realize my mistake, now, and apologize. "

She hung her head. "We both made mistakes that day, Joseph. I'm sorry as well."

Moving over to where she stood, he reached for her hand. "Tell me what you need, Clarisse. Just as I’ve always promised, I'll move heaven and earth for you if it helps us get past this."

Her eyes closed as the tears continued to fall. She pulled his hand up to cup her cheek...she needed the physical touch to try and calm her jangled nerves. "That's the problem," she whispered. "I just don't know..."

Joseph's heart broke at the sight of her tears. He gathered her in his arms as the tears continued to fall, soaking into his shirt. He may be upset, but she was still his number one priority. Despite everything, that would never change. He looked at Dr. Weston for guidance, no longer sure what she needed…a detail that bothered him far more than he would ever care to admit.

Dr. Weston knew this had gone on long enough. "I'm glad you two have been able to find at least some modicum of forgiveness for the other. Perhaps I can join in the discussion now? Please have a seat."

At his words, the two separated. He looked first to Joseph. "I understand your hurt and anger. You were left out of a very important decision and it is a situation to which you felt very much out of control, correct?"

He nodded. “Before that weekend I always knew where Clarisse was if I wasn't with her. I trusted my men to protect her. I may have worried until she was safely home, but I trusted them. After that weekend, I made certain I was always with her whenever she left the palace grounds. Not knowing if she is safe is more than I can handle. This was the first time I agreed to stay back, the first time I allowed myself to let go a little. Then, instead of shopping, I get a call advising me of the true nature of the excursion and my mind imagined a thousand scenarios with her at the cemetery. All scenarios I couldn’t be there to help her through.  So yes, I felt out of control."

Doc Weston nodded. "Clarisse, do you understand Joseph's fears?"

She nodded. "I understand it more fully now. I need to apologize to Scott as well. It was wrong of me to ask him for this favor."

He then looked at Clarisse. "As best as you can, I need you to verbalize for me what it is you were looking for when you went to those graves."

She toyed with the fringe on the pillow for several minutes before raising her head to look at him. "I need them to get out of my head. I need them to not be the invisible onlookers in the room when I'm with Joseph, when he kisses or tries to touch me. I need to move past what they did to me or, at least, be able to keep it locked away deep within my mind. You were out of control for a few hours, Joseph. I was out of control for an entire weekend." She turned her gaze to Joseph, the haunted look present in her eyes speaking of horrors neither man could fully appreciate. "Utterly and totally out of control."

Doc Weston looked to Joseph. "What are your thoughts on her statement?"

Turning and moving closer to her on the couch, Joseph cupped her cheek, wiping away moisture that remained. "I'm sorry. I know this has been difficult and I understand a part of you will never forget. Because of our recent progress, I underestimated how well you could hide those fears when you were with me, when I kissed you." Joseph didn't add that he too was utterly and totally out of control that weekend. His queen was mere feet from him and the only thing he could do was watch as they degraded her hour after hour. He wished they’d only punished him. His eyes closed as the realization struck him fully. Lester knew by humiliating Clarisse, he punished him far more than anything any of those men could do to him personally.

The Doctor turned his focus back to Clarisse. "You wanted to face your enemy, as it were, by visiting their gravesite. Is that correct?"

Clarisse nodded. "I never had the opportunity to confront them...to accuse them of the things they did to me." She turned her head slightly in Joseph's direction. "To us."

"Do you feel returning will help? To finish what you started?"

She shook her head. "No, the demons I fight are in my head." She turned to Joseph again. "They aren't as bad as they used to be and most times I can be with you without any negative feelings, but..."

The doc finished for her. "You worry about an increased level of intimacy, just as you mentioned in an earlier session this year."

"Yes, lack of control for me invites them back to the forefront of my mind. I confess I don't know how to manage that. How to make it stop."

Doc Weston knew this was an important confession for her. He used it to springboard back into the topic he'd brought up before. "The only way you can get past this Clarisse is to be honest about your fears. That means being honest with me, with Joseph, with yourself and share all the feelings and, dare I say, secrets, you keep locked away. Both of you must come clean with each other and then continue to push the boundaries of your relationship, moving forward and, sometimes, backwards, as the situation merits."

Joseph squeezed her hand in reassurance "I will always support you, Clarisse. Please don't ever think otherwise. I may not deal with a problem in the same way as you, but I will always be here for you. You found it in your heart to forgive me after I shared my secret. I assure you, I'll not leave because of something you share...no matter what."

Clarisse remembered Joseph's confession, his fantasy. "Yours was more a fantasy twisted than secret, Joseph. Though it found a connection in that weekend's events, it had a safe beginning. My demons start and derive from that weekend alone." Wanting to acknowledge the rest of his statement, she continued. "Though, I appreciate your words and your support. I know all of it to be true, but as I said, even I make mistakes sometimes."

“We both made mistakes. I should have realized how important this was for you, I should have listened to Charlotte and I owe her and apology, I should have given you the time you needed." Looking over at Dr. Weston, he asked the question he desperately needed the answer to. "How do you suggest we move our relationship forward, not that we are there yet but in the future."

He looked to Clarisse, "I want to be able to kiss you with abandon and have you be able to return that passion without fear."

The Doctor sobered further, "I'm afraid there's no easy fix here. The old adage practice makes perfect is going to need to be your mantra. After each session alone together, you will need to share how you felt. What worked. What didn't. As you identify triggers, you can talk about them and we can discuss them here and how to overcome them. It's not going to be easy, but I'm confident you both will find a way."

 ^^C/J^^

_March 13:_

Clarisse was in the middle of her weekly security briefing with Joseph when she heard a knock on the door. “Come in.”

She smiled at Charlotte as her head appeared through the crack in the opened door. “Ma’am, I’m sorry to interrupt but the princess is on line one. She insisted she speak with both of you.”

Narrowing her brow, worry lines formed just below the surface. With the time difference, there had to be something very important for Amelia to call this early. “Did she say the reason for the call?”

Charlotte shook her head quickly. “No reason for alarm, Your Majesty. The Princess simply indicated she has exciting news wanted both of you to hear.”

The breath she hadn’t even realized she’d been holding escaped in a small whisper of relief as the tension receded to the back of her mind where it always remained. Standing and moving from her place next to Joseph on the sofa, she made her way to the phone. “Thank you, Charlotte.” She offered her assistant a smile before turning to look at Joseph. “I’ll put her on speaker so we can hear what this exciting news is all about.”

Clarisse smiled as Joseph joined her next to the desk. He never liked to be far from the action. She pushed the speaker button and leaned slightly into his strong frame. “Good morning Gramma!” The Princess’ excitement came through loud and clear.

Clarisse smiled brightly at Joseph, it was wonderful to hear her granddaughter’s voice “Good morning, Amelia.”

“Is Joe with you?” Clarisse loved her enthusiasm, as it reminded her so very much of Philippe as a child. Unfortunately, that excitement often led both of them into trouble.

“Good morning, Princess.” Joseph answered.

“Great, now that you both are here I have some exciting news. Are you ready?” She paused for effect. “I’m coming to Genovia for spring break! I know it will only be for a week but I was hoping that…well, I’d love for all of us, including Charlotte and Shades, to spend the week at the beach house.”

At the mention of the beach house, Joseph’s gaze settled on Clarisse’s face as the color drained from those beautiful, rosy cheeks. Replacing the color, the flush of horror. A quick shift of his eyes to hers confirmed the nightmare had taken full hold in her mind. Her knees buckled and she was saved from falling by his quick reflexes as his arm slid around her waist. He guided her to the chair, the trembling in her body radiating into his.

The beach house…where their nightmare had started.

Once assured she was safely in the chair, he took a moment to study her further. Her eyes were closed and her hands gripped the arms of the chair tightly. So caught up in her, he almost forgot Amelia was even on the phone. Her voice startled him back into the present. “Gramma? Joe? Are you guys still there?”

Clarisse’s eyes opened and the troubled blue depths pled with him to answer her. He knew she wouldn’t be able to trust her voice right now. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he could trust his own. But someone had to speak. “We’re still here, Princess.”

His training kicked in and he went on auto-pilot, shoving his emotions away for the moment. He needed to buy them some time to figure this out. “It’s short timing, but if you’ll email Charlotte the dates, we’ll see if we can coordinate the schedules and security.”

“Oh thank you, thank you. I love you both and can’t wait to see you! Gotta go!”

“We love you too, Princess. Good bye.” Joseph hit the button ending the call before turning, kneeling and pulling Clarisse into his arms. He breathed a quiet sigh of relief when she didn’t stiffen at his touch. Things continued to be strained between them, but in this moment, he needed to be there for her. As he shared with Shades, it was his job to protect her…from the world, from expectations, from herself and, in this case, perhaps from her granddaughter’s wishes.

After several minutes, Clarisse managed a hoarse whisper. “We can’t go back there. I would do anything for her but…but not this. She must never know what happened. If we go back, I hold no illusion that I can behave normally. She’ll start asking questions…and you know how she can be. We can’t…”

She buried her head deeper against his neck. Joseph held her until he felt a small measure of composure surface again. “It’s going to be okay.” He pulled away slightly and lifted her chin with his index finger until those beautiful blue eyes were staring directly into his. “I have an idea. Let me work out the details first and then I’ll share. I promise you Clarisse, we will get through this together.” He stressed the together part. “Like we always have. Amelia will never find out.”

The meaning of his words stabbed at her heart. "Together, I promise.” She offered a faint smile. “Lesson learned." 

He placed a tender kiss on her forehead. "Good, because I need to know everything so I can protect you. Like the Doc said, honesty is the only way we can move forward. "

She cupped his cheek with her hand. "I want to earn your trust again." Even as she spoke the words, though, she knew there were some things…some demons, she had to keep locked away.

"You never lost it. I was angry, but under it all I knew this was an aberration rather than a change of heart." He leaned further into her touch. "You are the only woman I have ever loved. It's always been you, always will be you.”

Needing a physical affirmation of love, despite the potential risk, she used her hand on his cheek to guide him closer. Her lips brushed across his in a satisfying, calming, gentle caress. “And it has always been you.”

His thumb brushed across her lips. “Thank you…” He smiled. “Now I need to get to work on this plan. Trust me to work this out.”

She nodded. “Always.”

***

After making sure Clarisse had recovered from the shock of Mia’s request, he went back to his office with the dates that Charlotte had given him and made a phone call to the only person who would understand what this step meant.

The phone was answered on the second ring. “Hello, Dr. Weston here.”

Joseph paced the floor of his office unsure of what he needed to ask. “Dr. Weston, its Joe. Clarisse and I have a problem.” Short and to the point, his preferred method of communication with everyone but his Queen.

“What kind of problem exactly?”  The concerned and attentive tone of the Doctor eased Joseph’s fears slightly.

“The Princess called this morning. She is planning a trip to Genovia for spring break.” He ran a hand across his face and exhaled. “She wants to spend her spring break at the beach house.”

“I see.  How did Clarisse and you, for that matter, respond?”

“Clarisse retreated into her shell, but I could see the fear in her eyes. I operated on auto pilot asking her to send the dates and Charlotte and I would look into it since the timing was so short. Both Clarisse and I are agreed that the Princess never learn what happened to us. We don’t want to tell her no, but honestly Doc, I’m not sure even we can hold it together for a week there. We need your help to figure out how to get through this.”

 “Joseph, we both knew eventually the time would come when you both would have to return to where it all started. This is a vital step in your recovery, both as individuals and as a couple. Though the timing is rushed, it would appear that your public lives are once again dictating the terms of your recovery. Let’s meet and we’ll discuss a plan.”

“Thank you. I’ll call once I meet with Charlotte.”

There was a slight pause before the Doctor spoke. “I know this is just as hard for you, Joseph, but you are going to need to be strong for her during this trip. For her, the moment the cool steel of the gun was placed to her forehead, her beloved control was stolen from her. A single, defining moment in time has changed the emotional balance for the rest of her life. We spoke about blame in the beginning and, I believe, we settled that matter.”

The painful reminder pricked at Joseph’s heart. They had settled it, but a small part of him would always lay the responsibility for what happened at the beach house solely at his feet. He understood what the doctor was trying to tell him. “I’ll be there for her, Doc. Don’t worry.”

_April 3 of Year 5 – Beach House_

Joseph fought to keep his breathing even as details swirled through his brain. Several guards had been sent ahead, along with Charlotte and Shades, to ensure the area was secure and everything was prepared for the Queen’s arrival.  The privacy screen had been raised so he chanced a quick glance at Clarisse, still no movement. She’d said very little and spent the entire trip looking out the window as the countryside passed by. Her shoulders were drawn and tension covered her body like a second skin. The small creases in her forehead and around her eyes spoke of the intense concentration on the battle going on inside her beautiful head.

Wanting to ease her distress, even slightly, he slid across to the middle of the seat and reached for her hand. He noticed a slight trembling, not evident from a visual standpoint. He squeezed slightly to offer reassurance.

At his touch, she turned from the window to face him. Even with the evident strain on her face, she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on. Reaching up with his free hand, he brushed the salty streak from her face before gathering her in his arms. “Together, we can do this. Dr. Weston has given us the tools and we will survive this weekend. Amelia will never be the wiser. It is our duty to her and to the country.” His gaze found hers, “And we have always done our duty.”

Her eyes focused some at his words. He knew her as no one else did and knew the underlying sense of duty she possessed would outrank any fear and subdue it long enough for her to succeed at whatever the goal in front of her was. Duty was a mixed blessing and a curse. For this weekend, he suspected it would be a blessing.

 As they pulled up to the beach house, Joseph’s eyes swept over the landscape and quickly accounted for each of the men and their assigned posts.  He’d asked Shades and Charlotte to settle into the guest house. They would be close by, but still allow an illusion of privacy for he and Clarisse as they fought another round of demons.

**

Felix opened the door of the car and offered her his hand. She forced a smile and accepted his assistance. She heard Joseph exiting on the other side and moving toward the trunk to retrieve their bags. She’d packed light so they only had two smaller bags. She nodded her thanks to Joseph for retrieving hers and turned to Felix. “Thank you for the pleasant ride over. We’ll see you in a couple of days.”

The young man smiled, “Yes ma’am. Call if you need anything from the palace and I’ll bring it to you.”

She nodded and followed Joseph on the long path to the house. With each step, her heart beat faster. Images flashed through her mind as prickles of fear tip-toed up her spine. Forcing the air in and out of her lungs, the fear seized her nerves completely as she stepped onto the porch.

The last time she stood here it started a path that led her straight to the depths of hell. Perspiration beaded on her forehead and dampness layered her palm. She tried the doorknob but her hand slipped and her nervousness increased. Vaguely she heard the bags dropping behind her, thankfully a heavy thud rather than the sound of tiny shells scattering across the wood. Joseph’s hand slid into hers and he moved closer. The warmth of his body and the steady feel of his breath against her cheek brought a small measure of comfort…enough to make her try again.

She opened the door slowly, willing her heart rate to slow enough so she could hear the calming sound of the waves crashing into shore. She needed to hear, to smell the fresh air and taste the salt in the wind. Instead, sounds and smells from that day assaulted her senses holding her in that horrible moment in time. The cool breeze fanned across her exposed skin, chilling her as the faint echo of an ice cold barrel of a gun pressed against her temple.

Her body reacted to the memory refusing to move forward, instead shuffling backwards. She had to get away – wanted to get away – needed to get away!

***

Joseph had been holding her hand tightly, lost in his own fears. This porch...this place...represented the pinnacle of his failure as her personal protection. He inhaled sharply, the salty air filling his lungs with the acidity of his mistakes. Despite everything the Doc shared with them, despite Clarisse's adamant refusal to place blame on him, he felt the downward spiral of his emotions pulling him into the darkness. Then he felt it...

Clarisse's palpable fear.

Her hand, now wet with her perspiration, clenched his fingers so tightly he was certain feeling was being lost. Her body, rigid and tense, moved against him in an effort to escape, to get away from this moment...from the nightmare of that moment.

She needed him.

This time, dammit, he would NOT fail her.

He inhaled and exhaled slowly and then placed his other hand on her waist stopping her momentum. He lowered his head to whisper in her ear. "Remember how the boys would run out into the water before anyone could get to them? They loved diving in to the waves, their laughter carrying all the way to the house. Listen for their laughter Clarisse, remember the happier times."  

After a few moments, Joseph felt her body relax, just the tiniest of bits. She leaned into him, not to escape but simply to draw from his strength, he believed.  Wanting to ease her distress further, he continued sharing the memory. “Remember how Pierre would leave trail of clothes on the beach as he ran toward the water? Philippe could barely walk then, but he tried to mimic his older brother and was so mad when he couldn't get his shirt over his head. I don't remember if that made him more upset or the way his mother would scoop him up just before he hit the water to keep him from the dangerous under current.” 

His diversion worked and her body sagged against his as she continued to release the tension. He ventured a peek at her face and saw that her eyes were closed, a small smile tugging at her full lips. He would’ve been content to stand there forever, but finally her voice broke through the silence. "Thank you for stopping me from leaving and for making me remember the good times we have had here." 

He kissed the top of her head. “Just doing my job, ma’am.” He felt her tense and he lowered his voice to a whisper right near her ear. “My job as your best friend and love of your life.”

She relaxed again and he breathed a sigh of relief. Not good to start off on a bad foot. “Much better.”

"Are you ready to go inside and unpack?"

She shook her head gently. "I don’t think so." 

He squeezed her gently, bent down and picked up their suitcases while never lessening his hold on her hand. Moving to her front, he smiled. “We can do this together. I have no intention of ever leaving you, my dear.” He guided her through the door and to the staircase. Looking up the short flight of stairs before looking at her, he rhythmically squeezed her hand and nodded. “Together?”

Her smile warmed his heart as she exhaled slowly and added. “Together.”

***

After putting her clothes and toiletries away, Clarisse made her way across the hall into Joseph’s room. He’d finished unpacking and stood with his back to her, staring out the window. “What do you see?” She asked quietly.

He didn’t turn around and his voice sounded a million miles away. “Feels like nothing and everything at once. Hard to process sometimes.”

She moved to stand behind him, her arms circling and holding him close as he’d done for her earlier. “I understand. Sometimes I wish there was an off switch in my mind so I could have a few moments of silence and peace.”

He twisted in her arms and returned the embrace.  “Let’s focus on getting through this weekend and then we’ll try for some peace. Sound good?”

She nodded. “I’ll try.” She pulled away and sighed. “Time to go, I guess. I hear people rustling around in the kitchen downstairs.”

Pulling her hand to his lips, he kissed it softly. “Time to go.”

***

A few minutes later, Joseph exchanged a smile with Clarisse as they found Charlotte and Shades in the kitchen arguing over who was going to cook.  "Look at them arguing like an old married couple,” he whispered.

He followed Clarisse into the kitchen and tried to contain his laughter, but the expression on Shade’s face when Charlotte handed him a spatula as she grabbed a bottle of wine was priceless. "Would you like a hand, Shades? Neither the Queen or I am interested in a big meal. How about some homemade pizza?"

Clarisse interjected. “Pizza sounds wonderful. Perhaps when it’s just the four of us, we could be on a first name basis. We are supposed to be relaxing this weekend.”

The couples exchanged glances and then nods. “Alright then let’s get dinner started. Shades, you start on the salad, I’ll start the sauce for the pizza.” He really felt at home in the kitchen. His mother had started teaching him the basics at a young age and he’d developed a knack for seasoning things just right. He added some oregano and basil to the simmering tomato sauce and the kitchen started to smell like home. He found a sense of contentment in the moment, remembering the way things were long ago.

"Joseph, are you sure Charlotte and I can't do something to help?"

He smiled at the women perched on the high stools next to the bar area. "You could open that bottle of wine Charlotte grabbed earlier and pour us all a glass, if you would like."

"I think we can manage that." 

Joseph did his best to enjoy the company of the three people in his life he was the closest to. They’d past the time with eating, drinking and reminiscing about the fun times they’d have over the years here during the holidays. With Charlotte spending a number of years in the orphanage, Shades’ parents dying shortly after he graduated high school and what remained of Joseph’s family being so far away, they had found a new sense of family with each other.   

As he surveyed the smiles, he realized how good they all were at pretending. This house, though filled with happy memories, now had a black mark on its history leaving each current occupant with their own demons to fight. Yes, these last several months had been very difficult on his “family.” He refused to even think about the harsh words exchanged during the recent graveyard incident.

The clock chimed eleven times denoting the late hour. Charlotte yawned, “I suppose we should turn in. Thank you for a nice evening.” Her blue troubled eyes cast a glance in Clarisse’s direction. “You’ll be alright?”

Clarisse nodded, “Of course, dear. Thank you for joining us for dinner and the trip down memory lane.”

Joseph noted Clarisse accepted a hug from Charlotte without showing any resistance. If nothing else, the nightmare had brought the two of them closer than anyone could’ve ever imagined. He was grateful for Charlotte’s calming, yet strong presence in their lives. He shook Shades’ hand. “Thanks for your help in the kitchen.”

Shades smiled, “Yes, chopping vegetables was tough. I think you did all the hard work. You’ll have to make that again soon.”

“If Chef will let me in the kitchen, sounds good.”

The younger man nodded and opened the door for Charlotte. His dark eyes locked on Joseph, saying much more than the words that he spoke. “We’re next door if you need anything. I’ll make the rounds and check the changing of the guard went smoothly before turning in.”

Joseph nodded. He knew his protégé wanted to make up for his recent mistakes. He’d been hard on him, but had apologized after really hearing Clarisse and her distress over how the events unfolded. He couldn’t fault Shades for doing the same thing for Charlotte that he, himself, had done for Clarisse from almost the beginning.

Closing the door behind them, Joseph turned the lock and then checked all the windows and other doors before returning to the kitchen where Clarisse was putting away the dishes. She looked up at him when he moved over to the bar area. "This evening was enjoyable."

He moved to wrap his arms around her waist, holding her close. "I'm glad to hear you say that. It was nice to see your lovely smile and hear your laughter again. " 

She said nothing, just leaned into him as her hands still held the clean plates. A yawn escaped. "You've had a long day. Let’s leave the dishes till morning. We should retire for the night."

She set the plates on the counter and turned in his embrace. He saw the lingering fear coloring the blue of her irises. "I'm not sure I can sleep."

He lifted his hand to cup her cheek while still holding her close with the other. "I promised you we’d do this together. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep, if you'd like."

Indecision added to the fear. He couldn’t readily identify the battle she was fighting, so he remained quiet. Finally, she spoke. "No, I'll be fine."

He hated that she wouldn’t let him in, though part of him understood the fear. This was a constant battle between them…how much was too much? Maybe someday they would overcome and truly be together. It just wasn’t going to be today. "If you need anything, I'm just across the hall."

***


	23. Today isn't the Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarisse and Joseph continue to battle their demons at the beach house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder - this is an angst intensive story so we have a long way to go before our couple is out of the woods. They both are dealing with some very difficult issues, both internally and externally. As such, they find themselves on edge and, perhaps, more difficult than usual to get along with. I have faith, as should you, that they will find their way back to each other again and to a place of happiness...just be patient with them (and me LOL)
> 
> Thanks for all the awesome comments!! *hugs*

Chapter 23

Clarisse watched Joseph walk out of the room, his disappointment at her decision radiating from his body. She missed the days when she could tell him anything and everything. She still wanted to, but no longer did she have confidence in her ability to articulate her feelings. They were too…jumbled. Her need for him battled her need for self-sufficiency.

Beginning her nightly ritual, she washed her face and brushed her hair out. Dr. Weston would admonish her that her claims of independence reached back to her control issues. A part of her wondered if her dear friend and doctor had ever truly been out of control. If not, he couldn’t possibly understand.

Sighing, she climbed into bed and tried very hard not to think about the events from her last visit at this house. She tried to focus on the happy times she’d spent here with family and friends but every time she closed her eyes she heard the distinctive sound of the hammer being cocked on the gun and saw the fear mixed with a myriad of other emotions flash through Joseph's eyes before her world turned to darkness, only to awake in the middle of her worst nightmare.

After tossing and turning for an hour, she gave up the fight. Despite her brave words and the desire to fight battles on her own…she knew she needed Joseph. She both loved and hated her dependence on him. Though in pajamas, her sense of propriety made her grab her dressing gown and slip it around her body before making her way across the hallway to Joseph's room.

Sadness gripped her heart as she found him sitting on the edge of the bed, rather than sleeping. Not wanting to startle him, she kept her voice low and soft. "You must be as good at pretending as I am." 

Switching on the lamp, he patted the empty space on the bed next to him. “We have become rather adept at it, haven’t we? I want to sleep, need to sleep but I fear my mind won’t give up the fight.”

She nodded. “Mine either. I keep thinking about that moment on the porch. The look in your eyes and then the darkness.” Her body shivered at the memory.

Joseph’s gaze locked onto hers. “Would you like to go downstairs? I'll start the fire and we can have some tea." 

Hot tea, a warm fire and Joseph’s company…not a bad combination for a sleepless night. "That sounds nice." 

She watched as he put his robe on as well, memories of his lean body moving next to hers flashed through her mind and sent a flush of embarrassment through her. She wondered for the thousandth time at least if they would ever truly find their way back to each other.

*C&J*

The fire caught and the flames danced to life. There was something comforting about the orange blaze that helped center him. The teapot whistled and he moved toward the kitchen when he felt Clarisse’s hand on his arm. "I'll get the tea, you relax."

He moved the ottoman closer to the sofa and sat just as Clarisse returned with his cup.  "I know the Queen hates it when people prop their feet up on her white ottoman, but maybe she will make an exception tonight?"

Clarisse smiled as she propped her own feet up and gestured for him to follow. Once their feet were comfortable, she pulled the afghan over their legs and settled in with her tea. "The Queen decided to stay at the palace this time."

The minutes ticked by in companionable silence before Clarisse set her empty cup down and moved closer to him. He lifted his arm to invite her into his embrace and breathed a small sigh of relief when she snuggled against his chest. A few moments later, she whispered. "This is how I imagined our last trip, being here with you…like this." 

His eyes closed. Imagining how that night would've gone played through his mind yet again. "This is what I imagined as well." 

Her fingers danced across his chest. "I was planning to take our relationship to the next level that weekend." 

Joseph remembered the words she’d spoken to him on the beach during their walk that day. She’d wanted to be alone with him, a confession made on the heels of a beautiful kiss. He’d hoped then that meant taking the next step in their relationship. Of course, less than twenty-four hours later, their physical relationship had been catapulted ahead light years at the direction of a sick, sick man. Wanting to hear what might’ve happened, rather than focus on what did, he rubbed his hand along her arm. "And what level would that have been?"

When her gaze found his, he couldn’t help but think of how the firelight brought out the natural beauty in her complexion, and especially her eyes. “Kiss me and I’ll tell you.”

Any feeling of serenity and calm fled at her simple request. The huskiness in her voice spiked the adrenaline flowing through his veins with untapped desire…feelings he’d relegated to the farthest corner of his mind. Kissing Clarisse right now was equal parts heaven and hell. Heaven because he could so easily get lost in the wonder of her touch and hell…well, for the same reason. He set his mug aside and cupped her cheek with his palm, lifting her lips to his. Soft satin moved against the fullness of his lips setting the battle to rage within his mind. He loved that she’d initiated the interaction, but he had no idea how far she was willing to go. As a result, he focused on keeping the caress tender and sweet and restraining the passion that lay just below the surface.

The taste of tea and her mint toothpaste assaulted his senses and he knew he needed to pull back. “Tell me.”

She nodded and settled back into their previous positions. He exhaled slowly, thankful he’d chosen well. "You’d managed to turn what promised to be a day filled with grief and loneliness into one filled with comfort and hope. The walk on the beach, your steady presence to calm my soul and the heat from your kisses drawing out a desire in me to avail ourselves of the private time we’d been given.”

He said nothing, simply let his fingers skim along her arm, encouraging her to continue. “I was excited at the prospect of having dinner with you in front of a fire and ending up very similar to where we are now.”

Joseph hugged her tighter. "Sounds nice."

A moment later, she continued. “For a while, I’d been debating with myself about how to move our relationship forward without drawing unwanted attention. Our jobs make it so difficult on so many levels.”

He appreciated she hadn’t said stations in life or the fact she happened to be royalty and he, a mere servant. She understood their duty kept them apart, not who they were as individuals. He noticed her brushing a stray tear from her cheek. “I wanted to be on this couch, with you, touching you and welcoming your touch…wherever the moment led us.” She looked up at him again. “I had wanted to tell you that weekend that I loved you. I wanted you to know how grateful I am for everything you sacrifice on a regular basis for the woman behind the crown."

Her words swept away some of the lingering doubts and he sensed she needed affirmation, needed to know that he still wanted to have that type of relationship with her. He’d said the words, tried to show her, but the rare privacy they were afforded at this moment offered him the chance to demonstrate to her again just how much he loved her. He pushed her away slightly so he could sit up straighter. At her questioning look, he patted his thighs just as he’d patted the bed earlier, inviting her to sit.

He watched her face as recognition dawned. A moment later, she gracefully moved until she was sitting astride his lap, her legs now on the sofa rather than the ottoman. He pulled her into another kiss, this one a little deeper than the one before. His hand remained on her knee as the other held her close. He deepened the kiss, a small moan escaping from his tightly guarded control. He felt her tense slightly and knew he needed to slow down. His thumb brushed across her well-kissed lips. “You were going to tell me you loved me?"

She returned the gesture by cupping his cheek in her palm. "I've loved you almost from the moment we met. First as a friend who would always listen my problems. Then, after Rupert died, may he rest in peace, I found myself relying on you more and more. After Philippe's accident... if it hadn't been for you, I fear the darkness would have consumed me entirely. Your unspoken love and, my unrealized love for you, kept me grounded.”

He kissed her gently. “You didn’t realize it, but you did that for me as well. You give me purpose, Clarisse. Nothing is more important to me in this world than you and your life.”

She blinked away tears. “That night in San Francisco when we danced, I knew there was no use in lying to myself any longer...I was in love with you. I'm only sorry that it took me so long to admit those feelings to you. I nearly lost the opportunity to tell you, but am thankful life gave me a second chance. Though, I confess it feels as if that weekend set us back significantly with regards to a possible physical relationship." 

"One step at a time, my love. I meant it when I said you are my life. I love you, Clarisse Renaldi. It has always been and will always be you." 

*C&J*

The ache in Clarisse's back woke her from a restful sleep. The sound of light snoring next to her curved her lips upward and made her reach out to tentatively brush fingers across his forehead. So handsome and so very good to her. She loved him with all of her heart. The air in the room chilled her flesh drawing her attention from Joseph to the fire, of lack thereof. The coolness of the early spring infiltrated the house reminding her she still had some time before summer.

She refused to think about summer as that would hail an end to one era and the beginning of another for Genovia and for herself. Part of her longed for the freedom that change would bring, the other part feared it. Carefully, she extracted herself from Joseph’s side, tossed a log on the fire and watched with satisfaction as it roared back to life. She made her way to the kitchen, a hot cup of tea an early morning necessity. The snoring from the living room increased as he moved around on the sofa. Deciding not to chance waking him, she opted for a quick heat of the water in the microwave, stopping the timer before it beeped.

Though he’d not mentioned it lately, she wagered neither of them had been sleeping well. Last night had been a good rest and she wouldn’t end his prematurely.  After waiting for her tea to steep, she added a bit of milk and then slipped on her shoes to quietly move to the front porch. The sun was barely peeking over the water and the gulls had started their morning song. A peaceful start to a new day.

As she watched the new day dawn, she forced herself to think about the moment in time her life had changed…right here on this very porch. Though she appreciated the extra security, Joseph insisted on…a part of her longed for true privacy so they could speak of that defining moment in both of their lives and the demons that still haunted both of them individually and as a couple. She couldn’t do that with others around, no matter how invisible they tried to make themselves. 

   
Joseph slowly opened his eyes to find the fire roaring in the fireplace but the warmth that only a few moments ago warmed his chest was now missing....

Missing.

_Merde, where was she?_ Jumping up, he quickly surveyed the living area and checked the kitchen before heading for the stairs. He stopped short when he noticed the front door was cracked slightly open. The pounding steps in his heart strained for oxygen for the marathon of anxiety currently racing through his chest. The nightmare of that day flashed through his head and he knew he had to be prepared. He grabbed his gun from the side table and peered out the window first. He would not make the same mistake by walking into another trap.

Relief flooded his body and his weapon lowered as he saw her sitting on the porch step watching the sun inch its way over the horizon. Grabbing the leather jacket she’d given him at Christmas, he walked out and draped it around her shoulders. "I thought you might be cold."  He prayed his voice was steady and his hands calm after the massive surge of adrenalin he’d just experienced.

Snuggling into the warmth, she took a deep breath to let the mixture of sea, leather and his cologne fill her nostrils. If happiness had a smell, it would smell exactly like this. "Thank you. I'm sorry if I woke you." 

"You didn't wake me, my body missed the warmth of you next to me." He vowed not to remove the peaceful look on her face by sharing his distress that something terrible had happened...again. 

"It’s so beautiful." 

"Mmm...indeed you are, my love." 

Smiling, she offered him some of her tea before inching closer. "I was referring to the sunrise." 

He moved closer as though sharing a secret with her. "You are as beautiful as the sunrise, as gorgeous as the ocean reflecting light from its waters. By far, the most stunning woman I've ever seen."  The warmth of his breath against her cheek caused a shiver of arousal to run down her spine. 

"Flatterer," she teased giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. She would’ve liked to kiss him on the lips, but even though she couldn’t see the security team, she had no doubt they were there…and they could see her. "You seem to have woken up in a good mood."

"Any time, I get to sleep with you in my arms, wake up with the scent of your perfume filling my nose and share your cup of morning tea, it's pretty much guaranteed I'll be in a good mood."

As they sat, watching the sun take its rightful place in the sky, Clarisse found a small slice of happiness in the moment. Sitting next to Joseph on a beautiful morning, the return of some playful banter between them, and maybe even a small sliver of hope that they truly could overcome all of this. She’d always been an optimistic person, regardless of the hand she had been dealt.

Despite being promised a privileged life, that life had come with a cost. Because of her position, true friends were hard to come by...until Joseph.  He’d always treated her as a woman first and his queen second. His unfailing honesty had been a priceless gift in a world where people tended to tell her what they thought she wanted to hear.  He’d broken through the walls she’d built around her heart and her life and taught her she could be herself. As queen, she had a vault filled with priceless paintings and jewels, but there was nothing, besides Pierre and Amelia that she valued more than her friendship with Joseph. 

"Shall we go make breakfast? I'm sure Shades and Charlotte will be over shortly." He stood and offered his hand to help her up. "I'll cook breakfast. You can keep me company."

Picking up the empty cup, Clarisse followed Joseph through to the kitchen. "Do I seem totally incompetent to you?" She teased.

Turning, Joseph took the cup and placed it on the bar beside them. "Of course not, my dear. You are by far the smartest woman I know BUT cooking isn't your strong suit." 

He may have a point. "Fair enough.” Remembering her desire to have time alone with him to fully deal with this situation, she added. “I'll let you cook if you promise we can have true privacy today. Away from the others in order to allow us the space to work through this situation completely so when we return, the demons will be nothing but a haunting memory. "

She watched his face transform as he went into all business mode. “What exactly are you asking, Clarisse?"

"I want you to dismiss the team, send them back to Genovia." Might as well ask for exactly what she wanted, rather than negotiate at this point.

The violence of his reaction startled her and put her on the defense. "Absolutely not! The absence of a full security team shared the responsibility for this nightmare starting in the first place. I will NEVER willingly and knowingly endanger you again."

**

The sound of raised voices coming from inside the house made Charlotte stop outside the door. Placing her hand on Shades arm, she slowed his progress. “Let's take a quick walk on the beach."

"Charlotte, I'm starving." He grumbled before taking another step toward the door. “Besides, they are expecting us this morning. I’d rather not disappoint my boss….again." He leveled a glare at her, reminding him of the last time they’d let their personal feelings interfere with their expected duties.

Her hand squeezed his arm tighter. “Listen.”

The level of voices continued to escalate and Charlotte knew she would not need to convince him of the detour. Though the relationship between the Queen and her Head of Security was the situation every one knew about, yet no one talked about, they also knew when there was trouble in paradise between the two of them, you did not want to be in the cross-fire.

He nodded and stepped back. “I think a walk on the beach is a perfect way to start the morning.”

******

Though she understood some of his concern, his strong reaction took her by surprise. "Joseph, we are not in danger. We both saw proof those men are dead.” She wanted to tell him that they couldn’t hurt them anymore, but not even she believed that. The queen reasserted herself in full force and she turned to her tried and true negotiation skills to help convince him. “After our last…fight, you said you would listen when I tried to talk to you about what I needed to heal…even berated me for not sharing my decisions or needs with you. I’m including you now and telling you I need to deal with this privately.”

He’d known her long enough to know when she had reverted to “queen” mode. She might think of it as negotiation, but in personal matters, he considered it manipulation. Realization stung him as though she’d slapped him. She was manipulating him. Him! He called on every ounce of self-control not to 'lose' it. His voice lowered. "What you’re asking me is not fair or reasonable, Clarisse. When it comes to your safety, you know I have a responsibility…a duty as your head of security and, you asking me to do this is forcing me to do something I know isn’t right. Please don't ask that of me. I will find a way for us to have privacy, if that’s what you truly want, but I cannot and will not send the team back to Genovia."

All of his previous words and promises about listening to her…to what she needed to heal blew away in the wind of his new words. Words that, once again, threatened to outrank her and her wishes. Very rarely did she pull the “Queen” card, but something inside of her broke and demanded she remember who she was and her power in this country – something those men had stripped away from her. She straightened her spine and pulled herself to her full height, chin up and eyes blazing. “Let me remind you that your power to outrank me only applies to public appearances. You do not have that honor while on private royal grounds. According to existing protocols you helped write, I'm required only to have my personal security in a situation such as this. Since you are present, I can, in fact, demand everyone else be sent home.” She leveled a final glare in his direction. “Either you do it or I will.”

He’d seen the shift, recognized it the moment the soft lines of Clarisse’s face were replaced by the harder lines of the Queen’s. Something had snapped inside of her, something he didn’t understand and something, he knew he had very little hope of getting her to share with him now.

He tried a softer approach, but his anger colored the tone of his voice more than he’d wanted. This woman drove him to distraction. "Last night in front of the fire I held you because we couldn’t sleep. You promised me you’d left the Queen at the palace. This weekend was to be about Clarisse and Joseph. Now, less than twelve hours later, you’ve not only invited the queen here, but she is fully in control.”

That’s when it hit him, this was her taking control. He knew this was a huge issue for her and this house would be a painful reminder for her about it being taken away. He knew that, but couldn’t allow her to jeopardize her safety. Time to turn the tables. “You lied to me last night. Is that how you envisioned this weekend unfolding? Another lie on top of the one you told me last month when you withheld the truth from me? We can come to this house a thousand times, but until you can fully trust me again, we will never completely overcome that weekend, Your Majesty."

The use of her title chilled her to the bone and tossed a bucket of cold water over her righteous indignation. Had she heard him correctly? He’d called her a liar? Dear God, how had her simple request turned into such an ugly scene. Her body jolted from the slamming of the front door. Her lack of response had apparently told him all he needed to know. The damnable tears surfaced again and she fought the urge to throw something.

Trying to breathe and focus, she heard Dr. Weston’s words adding to Joseph’s accusation: " _You must find a way to completely share what happened....keeping secrets, lying to each other, all lead to trust issues. You both love one another but these "little" secrets will eat at you and, over time, destroy the foundation of your friendship and, ultimately, your relationship."_

She hadn’t thought of the situations Joseph mentioned as lies, more so her inability to convey her thoughts and her needs into proper words that he would understand. Never before had they experienced so much trouble communicating. She knew there were secrets, things about that weekend, she hadn’t shared with him…couldn’t share with him. Jason’s face flashed in front of her, his leering smile as he exerted complete control over her, reducing her to nothing more than a screaming woman, begging for mercy.

Her body shuddered from the horror and she swallowed hard to keep the revulsion from overwhelming her. She stumbled to the couch, collapsing onto the cushions and wrapping her arms around her stomach tightly. Her eyes focused on the fire praying the nightmare away and that she hadn’t just destroyed the only thing in her life that made sense.

Sometime later, she heard the front door slowly opened. Her tired gaze focused on Joseph. His body language signaled defeat and an overwhelming sadness covered by a blanket of worry. "The team is pulling back and returning to the palace. I advised they could expect us tomorrow for lunch. Shades will monitor my signal and Charlotte made me promise to check in every three hours.  I also have their personal vehicle which should prevent us from drawing attention on our return. I trust these arrangements meet with Her Majesty’s approval? " 

She pushed herself to a sitting position. "Joseph, I'm sorry. I never meant for my wish to be alone with you to ruin what was shaping up to be a promising day."

His eyes bore into hers, saying more than he would ever voice out loud and she knew she’d pushed too hard. Maybe it was too late. His voice held none of the warmth from this morning. “If there’s nothing else, Your Majesty.”

He turned and headed up the stairs to his bedroom. Her voice called after him. “Joseph, please. Wait. Can we talk?”

Turning on the stairs, he could still see her face, those beautiful blue eyes pleading with him. He shook his head, “Apparently, ma’am, Clarisse and Joseph cannot. Unless you’d like to make it an order…In which case, I shall comply.” He knew his words were harsh, but she’d been the one to invite the queen here, allowed her to take the reins. No, he couldn’t bear that she might tell him another lie, another heartbreak in waiting. 

He noted the tear stains on her face, her voice sounded strained. "No. No more orders. I’d just hope we could talk, one on one, that’s all I wanted.”

His grip tightened on the banner as he fought not to let his emotions get the best of him. She hadn’t ordered him so he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and disappeared around the corner.  

***

With his hands pressed against the shower wall, Joseph stood letting the warm water cascade over his tired body. It was barely noon and exhaustion had settled deep in his weary bones. He couldn’t move, the emotion of the day holding him motionless. After several minutes, the water started to cool reminding him of the shower he’d taken with Clarisse just a few short months ago. That night had been a turning point, he believed, in their healing. She’d shared her nightmare…her demon…

The night she’d shared about Jason.

That name alone added to the chill in the water. His mind drug him back to the cold, damp warehouse, a cold reaching through his bones and settling deep into his soul.  He remembered their last night in hell, the night they’d been separated. The night his torture reached far beyond being used as a punching bag by Rich. The night he heard the sound that haunted his dreams and tortured his soul...

Clarisse's scream.

Not wanting to, but knowing it had to be done, he forced his mind to go back to that night. To try to understand. At the time, he’d imagined the three men taking their turn violating her or, even worse, all at once prompting the horrific sounds. Drawing a deep breath, he focused on the details not only from those days but also what he’d learned during their therapy sessions.

As he turned the details over and over in his mind, he came to an alarming conclusion: He had been wrong.

Rape hadn’t been what elicited the violent reaction that night. Every time he’d witnessed the vile act, she’d escaped, taken herself away from the horror. She’d been successful every time…except one. He shuddered as the guilt bore down on him heavily from the part he’d played in the exception.  Even then, she’d only raised her voice imploring him to stop his yelling.  At no point during any of those violations, did she scream.

He squeezed his eyes together tightly focusing on the events. His memory was hazy because of the beating, but he remembered speaking with Lester after he carried Clarisse back into the room. He’d had a gleam of satisfaction and pride in his eyes as he shared the name of the person responsible for her screams…

His palm slapped the wall to turn off the spray of water and slid to the floor. There was only one explanation, one thing that would reduce the powerful Queen of Genovia to the ear curdling screams of pain he’d heard that night.

Torture.

Tortured -- because of him.

The realization sent him to his knees as his stomach expelled what little food remained. He had no idea how she’d been tortured, but it involved Jason and explained why she refused to speak of him or of what happened. _Her secret._

Stepping out of the shower, Joseph dried off, dressed and brushed his teeth. He picked up the phone and fought to keep the trembling out of his fingers as he dialed the number of the only person he could think of to ask for help.

"Hello?"

"Doc, its Joe."

"Is everything alright?"

"Not exactly." He brought the Doc up-to-date on the events that had transpired since they arrived. Belatedly, he wondered if the good doctor had a few secrets of his own. "You treated her injuries after we were rescued. Did you find evidence of physical torture?"

There was a pause, not long enough to draw any conclusions, but enough to make Joseph wonder. "Everything you know about that weekend is because you either lived it with her or she has shared the information during our session. You’ve seen how she clams up when I ask her certain questions so you must know that there are things that she hasn’t shared with me as well. I can’t say anything about her physical condition due to doctor patient confidentiality.”

Joseph rubbed his forehead, hoping to ease the ache. “I don’t know what to do, Doc." 

"Give her time. We both know there is no use forcing her hand."  

He couldn’t help the rueful chuckle that escaped. "Tell me something I don’t know." 

"Focus on what you do know. Focus on the goals you both set out for yourself when you started this trip. Talk to each other. You gave her the privacy she asked for, so prompt her for the information she wanted to share. Maybe she’ll open up to you.”

Resting his head in the palm of his hand, he confessed. "Doubtful, I've been a complete jerk since this morning. Once again, she asked me to do something and instead of asking why, I let my fears take over."

"Remember when you talk to her, it’s just as important you share your fears, secrets, and face your demons. You can't just focus on her if you want there to be a happy ending to the courtship."

Joseph sighed. At this point, he’d be happy if the courtship hadn’t already ended. "Thanks, Doc."

"Anytime. Call me if you two need anything. If not, I'll see you when you get back."

**C&J**

Slowly making his way back downstairs, Joseph found Clarisse busying herself in the kitchen. She’d just placed kettle on the stove when he moved to stand behind her, placing his hands on her hips. She paused her activity so he whispered, "Please forgive me?"

Turning in his embrace, Clarisse's red puffy eyes landed on his troubled blue ones. He continued. "My fear of not being able to protect you overruled every ounce of my logic. Once again, I let my emotions get the better of me. I should’ve asked you more questions rather than accusing you. Questions to better understand the importance of us being completely alone. "

"I wanted to talk to you...alone." The whistle of the kettle startled them. Joseph reached behind her and moved the pot to the opposite burner and extinguished the flame. "I feared if we truly conversed about…the events of the day that it would be difficult and certainly not pretty.  I didn’t want to ‘lose’ it in front of your team or even Scott and Charlotte for that matter. They don’t need to see that side of me. You and Dr. Weston are more than enough. "

"Well, we are the only two people here now. Shall I pour us some tea and meet you on the sofa?"

"Tea sounds wonderful.” She stepped away from his embrace, then paused again. “I truly am sorry that for whatever reason, I cannot find the right words to share with you. I feel responsible for another wasted opportunity. "

He grabbed the tea and gestured toward the couch. Once seated, he handed her the tea and joined her. "What exactly did you wish to talk about?"

Sitting her tea on the side table, she drew a throw pillow into her lap. "I thought it would be good to talk about that moment on the porch, the moment that started it all. But…” She exhaled slowly. “But I know there are other things even more important I need to share with you.”

His tea cup set aside, he turned fully toward her, sensing this could be a pivotal moment. He watched as terror filled her eyes, breaking his heart into tiny pieces.  “I wanted to tell you about…”

He took her hand, “Just tell me, Clarisse. Whatever it is, we’ll get through together.”

Clarisse heard his words, but the terror she’d kept locked away slithered from its hiding place and smoothed across her skin, covering her body in gooseflesh. She shivered, “I want to tell you about Jason… I….”

The sensation of Jason’s hands on her thigh invaded her memory. She pressed her legs together to help block out the demons as the acid in her empty stomach churned and her heart rate tripled. She shook her head…she had to escape. "I thought I was ready to tell you, but now....God, I'm so sorry, Joseph...I...I can’t." She stood and hurried upstairs to her bedroom before the pain in Joseph's eyes tore her heart from her chest. Hugging the pillow tight, she cried...for their loss of innocence, the pain they both continued to endure and inflict, and for fear that threatened to consume them.  

Joseph watched her escape, but couldn’t follow. He tried to slow his reactions and process what Clarisse had said. _She clearly wanted to share something with him, something about the bastard Jason. Something that inspired a great deal of fear in her heart._

The alarm on his watch beeped signifying it was time to check in with Charlotte. Using his cell, he dialed and let her know they were going to stay and he would call her first thing in the morning when they departed. With nothing more to be done downstairs, he drew a deep breath in and exhaled slowly, willing his mind to calm. He climbed the stairs pausing at Clarisse's door. He considered knocking but didn't wish to wake her had she fallen asleep.

Slowly, he turned the knob and pushed the door open. His heart broke at the sight. She was curled up on her side, hugging the pillow tightly. The desolation on her face ripped the very fabric of his soul. He walked over to the edge of the bed and carefully sat next to her.

"I'm sorry."

Brushing the hair away from her face, he whispered. "Shh...it's okay. Today just isn't the right day. I know you will find the appropriate time to share and when you do, I'll be here to help you through it. Until then, I think there’s been enough talking for a while. I’d rather hold you, if I may. "

Watery blue eyes cleared ever so slightly as she nodded and moved toward the center of the bed. He slid in behind her and draped his arm across her waist. Immediately, her body stiffened. He wanted to kick himself for not double checking, but since he already had her in his arms and she hadn’t rolled away, he whispered. "Should I tell you a story?"

The nodding of her head was all he needed. “Remember the trip we made to meet Amelia? You had asked me to teach her the Wango after sharing with her the quickest way to a Spanish heart was through dance."

Joseph felt her body relax against his. Reaching lower, he pulled the blanket over them. Clarisse clasped his hand and laced their fingers before pulling their joined hands closer to her body. He saw that as a sign to continue. "The princess was in a hurry to escape her lessons that day as I recall. I enjoyed dancing with her, but all I could really think about was holding you in my arms even on the dance floor. The soft strings of the orchestra filled the room. I’ll never forget the words I said to you…”

“You’ve been wearing black for too long.” Clarisse added in a soft voice.

He squeezed her hand tighter. “Yes, that’s right. I was afraid I overstepped until I saw the smile...the one that's only for me.” He continued sharing his story until he heard her soft snore coming from the pillow. Smiling at the sweet sound, he closed his eyes. He whispered a prayer of thanks that although they had their moments, they’d survived and their relationship would continue to allow them more chances…both to succeed and to fail.


	24. Since We're Being Honest...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small reprieve from the angst our couple has been experiencing is granted by a surprising turn of events. The couple takes advantage of the break by giving some honesty to each other.

Chapter 24

“Since We’re Being Honest…”

**April 6**

Dr. Weston took in the appearance of his two patients, an interesting combination of tension and calm. With these two, he’d learned it was best to just dive in. "Joseph, tell me how things went at the beach house."

Joseph recapped the highlights from their arrival up to the point of their argument. Dr. Weston nodded and looked to Clarisse. "What did you argue about?"

 Clarisse exhaled slowly. More and more she felt like a recalcitrant child being called into the principal's office. "I asked, well demanded, the rest of the team be sent away. It was short-sighted, especially in light of all that happened the last time we were alone, but I'd wanted to speak with Joseph alone without any fear of interruption or observation."

 "I'm guessing that didn't go over well with you, Joseph?"

 Shifting in his seat, he answered. "No, not exactly. There was a bit of miscommunication. When Clarisse asked me to send the team away she left out the whole I want to talk to you part so I challenged her authority because not having the team nearby just wasn't an option for me at the moment."

Dr. Weston nodded his head in understanding. "Clarisse, can you understand his position?"

"Yes. I fear sometimes I fall into Queen mode or just assume everyone can read my mind and my intentions."

"I can imagine that it's difficult to separate the two parts of your personality."

Clarisse sighed, "Impossible at times."

The doctor realized that both seemed to have made peace with their miscommunication, but he sensed there was more to this story. "So did you two get to talk about whatever prompted the need for privacy?"

Neither person spoke, so he prompted them. "Joseph?"

Joseph glanced over at Clarisse. "We started to, but the day had been so emotional already… the timing wasn’t right. We will get there…soon."

The Doctor absorbed all Joseph had said, but more importantly...what he hadn't. "Clarisse, do I understand correctly that you were going to share something you've been protecting?"

"I was, yes."

"Why don't you share it now? You're safe here. This session is private."

Clarisse thought, yet again, of the nightmare she'd endured, specifically her last night in captivity. She'd thought she could share it, but now she knew that simply wasn't possible. Jason must stay locked away deep within the walls of her soul where he couldn't harm her anymore. She looked directly into the doctor's eyes and without blinking answered. "No."

"But, Clarisse, you obviously saw the merit of sharing. Why the change of heart?"

She stood, avoiding the look of concern she was certain was on Joseph's face. "I've been very clear about what is off-limits, Doctor. My thought to share before was a mistake and I'd thank you to move forward."

She turned to Joseph. "You assured me you would not press me on this as well. Do I still have your promise of that?"

"Of course, I will not pressure you. We promised we would move at our own pace and I still stand by that promise.” He looked away. “I cannot make such a promise for the doctor, though." He extended his hand toward her. "Please join me back on the sofa."

Clarisse took his hand and nodded her thanks. The Doctor, she could handle. Joseph was another matter completely.

"He's right, Clarisse. I fear you and I may have a rough patch or two ahead of us as I will reiterate again that you cannot fully heal, cannot move forward, until you've dealt with all the demons from that weekend.

Clarisse didn't want to engage him on this any further so she simply nodded. "I understand."

Doc Weston sighed. She really was the most stubborn patient he'd ever encountered. "Very well, let's move on. In a very short time, the Princess will be coming to Genovia to stay. Joseph tell me what you would like to see happen between you and Clarisse prior to that time from a physical standpoint. What comfort level do you believe you'll be able to achieve with each other?"

 "I'd like to see us taking advantage of our private time together. I know we aren’t ready for the big leap but I would like to move our physical relationship forward. We seem to have stalled at kissing." Turning, Joseph gathered Clarisse's hand in his. "We haven't actually discussed this but once the Princess takes over I would like to spend more time with you...as Joseph and Clarisse, not the Dowager Queen and her former head of security."

The thought of more alone time with Joseph both exhilarated and frightened her. She lifted her hand to cup his cheek and managed to hold her emotions in check as he leaned in to the touch. "I should like to try that as well."

Dr. Weston appreciated the tender moment, but he feared the secrets Clarisse still harbored would cause problems as they moved forward. Perhaps that was the best way to get her to share. "Then, as the Princess' arrival is imminent, I suggest you start trying to push yourselves a bit in this area. Remember what we've talked about. If there's a negative trigger, you need to stop and talk about it. Avoiding the discussion will only make you stall your progress and severely limit your ability to move forward. Are we agreed on this course of action?" He looked to his left.  "Joseph?"

 "I understand."

 Clarisse nodded. "Agreed."

^^C/J^^

**April 7**

Clarisse stepped into her office, followed closely by Joseph. She heard Charlotte’s voice. “Wait just a minute, please. She just stepped into the office.” The last thing Clarisse wanted was to talk to a diplomat after just dealing with Viscount Mabry and the other members of parliament. The moment she came into Charlotte’s view, she learned the true nature of the call. “Ma’am, it’s Princess Amelia, she wishes to speak with you.”

A breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding escaped with this news. She nodded. “Very well. I’ll take it at my desk.” Turning to Joseph, she added.  “You might want to sit in on the call as well. I believe Amelia enjoys speaking to you as much as she does me…if not more so.”

Hitting the button to put the Princess on speaker phone, Joseph smiled at Clarisse. Probably the only reason the princess preferred him is that he wasn’t always trying to give her a lesson. At his nod, she began. “Good Morning, Amelia. You’re on speaker, Joseph is here with me.”

“Hi-ya Joe!”

“Morning Princess. Are you packed yet? Shades will be there next week to pick you up as scheduled.”

“Actually…that’s why I’m calling. Gramma PLEASE don’t be upset with me.”

A worried look crossed Clarisse’s face. “What’s going on, Amelia?”

“I know everyone worked hard to accommodate my request for spring break at the beach house, but…”

Clarisse exchanged a look with Joseph, accommodation was an understatement. “But, what dear?”

“I was invited to take a road trip with some other girls from school. Before you say anything Joe, I’ve already spoken with my security team and they’ve signed off as long as I follow their instructions, and I quote, to the letter. I’m hoping you would understand and give your approval as well for me to stay here. It will kinda be my last chance…”

Relief washed over Clarisse’s features. Though sad Amelia wouldn’t be visiting, she didn’t have to worry about a return trip to the beach house anytime soon. “I understand Amelia. Promise me you will follow your guard’s advice completely. I don’t want anything to happen to you.” She shivered at the possibility something could happen to her granddaughter similar to her nightmare. “I’m certain Joseph has some instructions for you and your guards before you leave.”

“You mean you aren’t upset?”

“Amelia, you should enjoy this last bit of freedom because once you are crowned your free time becomes very elusive. Of course, I’ll miss not seeing you. I will, however, expect a full report on your trip complete with pictures once you return.” Relief flooded Clarisse’s limbs. Though her heart really would miss seeing her granddaughter, not returning to the beach house for a little while was preferable.

“Thank you for understanding, Gramma.  Hey Joe.”

“Yes Princess.”

“Just because I’m not coming doesn’t mean Gramma should fill the time with work. Promise me you’ll make her have some fun even if only for the weekend.”

Joseph smiled as Clarisse shook her head and rolled her eyes. “I’ll do my very best, Princess.”

“I expect pictures too, Gramma. I can’t be the only one having a fun this week.”

“We shall see, Amelia. The country doesn’t just run itself you know.”

“I know. At least try. I can’t wait to see you guys at graduation.”

“We are looking forward to celebrating this milestone with you, Princess.” Joseph answered.

“Oh, Gramma…I need to take this call it’s Lilly. I love you both.”

“We love you too, dear. Tell Miss Lilly hello.”  

“Sure thing. Bye Joe. Bye Gramma.”

“Good bye, my dear.” Once the call ended, Clarisse ventured a look at Joseph, curious to see how he felt about the turn of events. “It appears we returned for nothing.”

He moved over to stand by her, his hand resting on her shoulder. “I wouldn’t say that. We shared a lot and overcame some fears that weekend. I know you will not take the week off now since Mia isn’t coming but at least allow me to take you out somewhere for dinner. We wouldn’t want to upset the Princess, would we?”

Her hand covered his briefly. “One night shouldn’t hurt. Will you see Charlotte about blocking off the time?”

He squeezed gently. “I’ll see to it.” 

**C&J**

**April 17**

Joseph had taken the liberty of securing an entire day alone with the queen, thanks to the sudden cancelation of Amelia’s trip and a lot of help. He had no idea how either Clarisse or he would survive without Charlotte. She’d always been invaluable, but over the past several months, she was as close to salvation as you could find in another person.

Though it wouldn’t be at the beach house, he was excited about having some alone time with Clarisse.  If they truly were going to be able to move past all of this and have a future together, they would need to continue to push themselves past any comfort levels they currently had in place. 

After completing his morning routine, Joseph placed to the stables asking for her majesty's favorite gelding and his to be ready in an hour. Grabbing his gun he secured it out of sight, strapping it into the holster of his custom made riding boots. Although, he and Clarisse would never leave the palace grounds they would be venturing to the backside of the property, far away from prying eyes.

Grabbing the door knob to leave Joseph was startled when he saw Clarisse standing on the other side, her hand raised as if she were about to knock. Looking up and down the corridor, he asked. “Is everything alright? I was on my way to meet you.”

“Everything’s fine.” Taking a step back Clarisse waited until Joseph secured his room before looping her arm through his. “So are you going to tell me what we will be doing today besides going for a ride?”

Smiling, he drew her hand up to his lips “No, but I will tell you how lovely you look in your riding outfit.”

Her laughter echoed in the hallway, catching her by surprise. Clarisse quickly covered her mouth to muffle the sound. “I forgot how sounds carry when the palace is still sleeping and thank you. It’s been so long since I’ve been riding, I wasn’t sure if this outfit would fit.” Her expression flickered and Joseph couldn’t help but notice the clothing hung a little looser than before. _She’s still not eating well._

He squeezed her arm tighter, “It’s high time we had some fun, don’t you think?”

She nodded, “Far overdue. Life has been…challenging lately.”

A short time later, they arrived at the stables. Mounting their horses, Joseph watched as Clarisse set off at an easy trot. The sunrise had crested over the nearby mountains and the entire meadow was glowing under its morning warmth. The dew glistened on the blades of grass and in the distance, the chorus frogs joined the birds as they sang their morning song.

Occasionally, Joseph would prompt her into a small round of small talk. Mostly, though, they were both content to ride in companionable silence as the distance between them and the palace continued to expand. He secretly hoped that a change of scenery and physical distance from the place where they’d spent most of their recovery time would help them both relax and just…be.

As they approached the last open meadow, Clarisse smiled over at Joseph before leading her horse into a full gallop. He grinned at her backside and gave chase, though with a view as magnificent as Clarisse on her horse, provided sufficient incentive to always trail a few feet behind her.

“Well done, my dear.” Joseph smiled at her and tried not to focus on the view of her cleavage as she leaned over to rub the horse’s neck.

“I admit it wasn’t much of a fair race since I gave you no warning. I just wanted to…”

He nodded, “To be free.”

Her head tilted slightly in acknowledgement. “Yes, free from my thoughts and any worries except holding on tight enough not to fall.”

Not wanting to bring the mood down any, Joseph smiled and urged his horse forward. “Come, our final destination is at the top of this hill. We’ll rest the horses and give them some water while we enjoy this small slice of freedom.”

*C&J*

Joseph handed a blanket to Clarisse to spread out while he saw to the horses. Once satisfied all was in order, he joined her under a large tree that overlooked the valley below.  Wanting to be as closer as she would allow, he sat with his back to the tree and guided her to a sitting position between his thighs. She relaxed against his chest. “This okay?”

She didn’t answer, but a nod of her head provided agreement. He circled her waist and held her loosely, the top of her head resting just below his chin. For a moment they simply sat quietly, enjoying the view. He couldn’t help but enjoy the fresh scent of her shampoo. Odd, how the little things brought them such comfort now.

"Any thoughts on how you'd like to spend the day?"

Clarisse turned her head slightly and smiled. "I thought I’d let you be in charge today."

He fought the urge to shake his head. They’d spent so much time over the last month or so battling for control in the various situations life had tossed their way. Now, here in a peaceful moment, she wiling handed it to him. A thousand years might not be enough for him to figure this beautiful woman out. “If I’m being honest, my only plans were to take you riding and as far away as was safe from the palace.” He gestured to the expanse below them. “I’m pretty sure we’ve accomplished both of those. If my memory serves me correctly, we are very close to the boundary of the royal grounds.”

Resting the palms of her hands on his bent knees, she leaned closer in this embrace. “Since we are being honest, I’m perfectly happy spending the day right here.” Twisting her body, Clarisse placed the lightest of kiss across his lips.

Joseph smiled and nodded. “Then right here is where we shall stay.”

The sun eventually won the war against the fog, burning it off the land to reveal a crisp, bright blue sky. The warmth of the sun matched the warmth radiating from Joseph and once again, Clarisse felt at peace. Wanting to not waste the private time they’d been given, she broached a topic she’d been giving some thought to. “Joseph, during our session you mentioned you would like to spend more time with Clarisse after Amelia takes over. If you recall, at the time, I agreed and indicated I would as well.”

Joseph’s back stiffened at her choice of words causing him to shift and sit up straighter. “And now?”

Moving away, Clarisse turned to face him “Since we’re being honest… I want more than anything for you to be happy – you deserve it. And though I would love to spend my time with you once Amelia is crowned, I don’t want to and can’t be responsible for holding you back.  What if I’m never ready?” She exhaled slowly. “Despite all the loss I’ve had in my personal life prior to that weekend, I cannot escape the horrors of what they did to me.”

Her hands balled into tight fists, the nails cutting into her palms. Finding her courage, she lifted her gaze to lock with his. “I know you want and need more than I can give you.” The emotion cracked her voice, the mere thought of Joseph walking away from their personal relationship almost more than she could bear. But, he deserved to know that, if he needed to leave to find peace and happiness, despite the promises they’d made to each other, she would let him go. She loved him that much.      

Reaching over Joseph gathered both of her hands in his. “You and I have spent the better part of our lives together. Over time I’ve found myself knowing your favorite color, food, movie, and how you take your tea. I’ve discovered your flaws, not that there are many and your talents—which are endless. After so many years of learning, one day I woke up and realized how much you truly meant to me. I love you for every strength and your perceived weaknesses. You bring me happiness, Clarisse. Do you understand that? You alone.”

He smiled and cupped her cheek with his hand. “And, since we’re being honest, I’ll confess that someday I would like to move forward physically. However, whether or not that happens, I will always be by your side. My heart  and soul belongs to you. They’ve belonged to you since the beginning, since before I even realized and acknowledged it.” His thumb arced to wipe away the few tears that started to fall as he whispered. “It’s always been you.”  

Leaning forward, Clarisse brushed her lips tenderly across his. “I love you too. Thank you for being so patient with me.” She closed her eyes as he kissed her again, warmth and tenderness slowly filling her body and making her forget, for the moment, the darkness still residing in her soul.

No matter what else occurred, whether they ever found their way completely back to each other. Clarisse knew…her heart had found its mate.

^^C/J^^

An hour or so later, she needed to switch positions. After some adjustments, she smiled over at Joseph. They were both now laying on the blanket and staring up into the bluest of skies through the branches of the old oak tree they’d claimed for their escape today. She pointed upward. "See that one?  It's a dolphin."

Joseph smiled, grateful for the relaxed nature of her face. He placed a tender kiss on her forehead. "That might be a dolphin, but your tummy…" He reached over placing a hand over her smooth fabric covering her stomach, “sounds like a lion."   


Turning her head, she smiled. "I was hoping you wouldn't hear that. I'm not ready for this date to be over."  
  
"Who said anything about being over? Chef and I assembled various cheeses and fruit in the event that we became hungry."  
  
Covering the hand that rested on her stomach, she pulled it to her lips and placed a kiss on the inside of his wrist. "Mmmm, thank you." Not wanting to let go of this perfect moment, she continued to kiss his hand, wrist and forearm—safe, yet not.  
  
Joseph eyes darkened as he watched Clarisse’s lips anointing his skin. He forced another fantasy he had of making love to Clarisse outside on a perfect day such as this back to the safe part of his mind. To keep his hand from venturing somewhere without proper permission, he cupped her cheek again. “I thought you were hungry."  
  
" To feed the body or the heart, such a difficult decision." The intensity of her gaze almost broke his resolve to keep from kissing her senseless. When her tummy roared once more, he leaned over and kissed her before smiling softly.  "I believe we have our answer."  
  
Thirty minutes later, Joseph’s body had been fed and watching Clarisse sleep in his arms fed his soul. Carefully, he ran his fingers through her silky locks. Holding her like this was enough. For now…perhaps for always. The thought of walking away, especially after everything they’d been through, made his chest hurt and nerves on edge. Losing Clarisse under any circumstance would be unbearable. She was the most important thing in his life.

Closing his eyes, Joseph forced the sad images from his mind, this was supposed to be a break from heartache and pain. Thus far, with the exception of Clarisse offering him an escape route, the day had lived up to all its promises. Hopefully, his plans for dinner and, if he was lucky, dancing would provide the perfect ending to a perfect day.  

^^C/J^^  



	25. My Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few steps forward and a few steps back as we get closer to the Princess assuming the throne...

Chapter 25

My Everything...

**_May 1_ **

Charlotte entered the Queen’s office quietly, not wanting to disturb her. She knew her boss well enough to know she wasn’t working. No, the look of intense concentration on her face was unfocused which meant her queen had little to no interest in the paperwork sitting in front of her. 

Before…

Before the dreadful weekend, her faraway look would generally indicate she was working out a strategy for the best way to deal with a problem or an issue with Parliament, but now it often meant dealing with her personal demons.

Demons they all faced on one level or another. Charlotte closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe as the images of the nightmare and the resulting fall-out still haunted her. If the tiny bit she’d been exposed to still kept her awake at night, she couldn’t imagine how the Queen still functioned. 

Charlotte hesitated before stepping further into the office. Joseph was out of town and so she would need to be the strong one for her queen.  She cleared her throat and spoke quietly. “Your Majesty?”

Looking up, the queen turned her focus outward in Charlotte’s direction and offered a small smile. “I’m sorry, Charlotte. I was lost in thought. Is everything alright?” There was a pause as Charlotte felt keen eyes sweep across her features. She answered before Charlotte could say a word. “No, everything isn’t alright. What’s wrong? Is it Joseph? Amelia?”

Hearing the fear in Clarisse’s voice prompted Charlotte into action and flooded her body with guilt. She shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. Everyone is fine. It’s just…” she hesitated.

“Please, Charlotte, just tell me.” The anxiety level in Clarisse’ voice rose with each word.

The young woman sighed and exhaled slowly. “Jerome delivered your dress for the birthday ball. He insisted he come back for a fitting as he’s certain the sizing he has for you is no longer accurate.”

Clarisse narrowed her eyes. “Charlotte, what aren’t you telling me?”

This was about more than the weight loss, though everyone was concerned about that as well, including Joseph. “The dress is backless.” There, she’d said it. 

The four words hung in the tense air between them for several moments before Clarisse finally spoke. “I see.”

Charlotte needed…wanted to fix this. “I’ll call him and ask him to provide an alternate.” The images in her mind clarified and she saw the wounds all over her friend’s back – wounds she’d help care for night after sleepless night.

Clarisse chewed on her bottom lip before lifting her eyes. “Would you help me try it on? Perhaps we can find an alternate solution.”

Her gaze locked on the older woman and she offered her a slight smile. “Of course. Shall we go now?”

Fifteen minutes later, Charlotte held the dress as Clarisse slipped out of her clothes, leaving only the silk of her undergarments. She knew she shouldn’t look, but her eyes were drawn to the white strips still marring the otherwise perfectly freckled back of her friend. They’d healed nicely, but evidence of the terror still lingered. A lump formed in her throat and she clenched the gown tighter to avoid reaching up to touch the marks.

“Charlotte?” Clarisse turned to look in her direction, but Charlotte was miles or, more aptly, months behind as she relived those first horrible hours.

“Charlotte, dear.” A gentle hand on her arm brought her back to the present and she blinked back the tears starting to form.

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty. I…”

Clarisse squeezed her arm in reassurance. “I’m sure it must be difficult for you. I have the luxury of not having to look at the scars every day.  Olivia thinks I’m being super woman since I’m always at least half dressed by the time she arrives in the morning. I wouldn’t be able to bear seeing the pity in her eyes.”

The younger woman’s head lowered, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Slim fingers lifted Charlotte’s chin until she had no choice but to look into fathomless blue eyes. “While Olivia holds a dear place in my heart, my relationship with you is far deeper. We’ve been through a lot together. As you helped nurse me back to health, you’ve earned the right to have the horror, the pity, and the sadness in your eyes when you look at me.”

Charlotte carefully placed the dress down before collapsing onto the loveseat and burying her head in her hands. The tears she fought to contain on a daily basis sprang from her tightly closed lids and her hair followed the shaking motion of her head. 

She sensed Clarisse sitting next to her and felt her arm slip around her shoulders and hold her close. “Charlotte, dear, whatever is wrong? What did I say to upset you? Please…tell me.”

After a few moments, Charlotte was able to compose herself. She looked into her friend’s eyes and let her see all the guilt. “You misunderstand. It’s not pity, but guilt you see in my eyes.”

At her confession, Clarisse’s eyes became more intense. “Guilt? Whatever would you be guilty for?”

“For not being stronger. For not insisting we check on you earlier. For not being able to move past the nightmare of that weekend.”

Strong hands grabbed her shoulders and turned her until she was face to face the woman who had been like a mother to her. “I want you to listen and listen carefully to me.  First, you have been so strong. You held this country together while I was out of commission and did all of that while assisting with my care. Other than Joseph, I know of no other person who possesses that kind of internal strength and fortitude. Second, you had no reason to believe we were in danger. We were betrayed by someone who was supposed to be loyal to the family we’ve created here. If you hadn’t insisted when you did…well, we both know the outcome would’ve been different. And, finally, none of us have been able to move past that weekend…yet. We all have our nightmares to endure. Scott killed three men that night. Joseph and I endured physical and psychological torture; and you, my dear Charlotte, had your innocence ripped away from seeing things no one should ever have to see. So, no more guilt my dear girl. No. More. Guilt. Understood?”

Something in her tone, in her eyes and in the force of her conviction broke through the layers of guilt and shame Charlotte had been feeling since those first terrible moments when she’d placed the blanket over her battered and bruised friend. She wiped the tears away and nodded. “Understood.”

She felt the warmth of the older woman’s hand on her cheek as she smiled. “Good. Now help me with this dress. It’s a beautiful dress and I’m counting on you to help me figure out how I can wear it. I need to feel beautiful again.”

“You are beautiful. I understand, though, what you mean. Let’s do this.” With renewed conviction and a lighter burden, Charlotte stood and slid the dress over the other woman’s head. 

Clarisse twirled slowly letting the fabric glide across her skin in a gentle caress. “It’s perfect.”

Charlotte smiled, “Jerome apparently watches your figure as closely as…” She stopped before she finished the sentence.

She received a small glare and then a smile followed by a wink.  “Well it is Joseph’s job to watch over me, isn’t it?”

Relieved she didn’t just get herself fired, Charlotte smiled. “Yes ma’am, it is. The dress is perfect. Let me grab some concealer and see if we can make this work.”

Clarisse smiled and nodded. “That’s the spirit.”

She returned a few moments later with a selection of concealers and powder in order to find the one that best matched the skin tone on Clarisse’s back. Gently she patted some of the liquid over the scarred area. Inhaling and exhaling slowly, she fought the memories of the other times she performed a similar task. At least this time, the scars had healed…for the most part anyway. 

“I know this isn’t easy. I appreciate your help.” Clarisse offered quietly. 

Charlotte watched as the scars disappeared before her eyes. “This is much easier than…well than before. It’s working. Let me do the rest and then we’ll move to the tri-mirror so you can see.”

With loving care, Charlotte went about her task, thankful to be part of something positive for a change. After all the visible scars were covered, she dusted the powder over the entire expanse of her back to make sure everything was even. “All finished.”

They moved into the dressing room area and Clarisse turned her back to the mirror and looked over her shoulder. Studying her form intently, she finally smiled. “It’s almost as if they aren’t there.”

“It’s perfect.  You’re perfect.” Charlotte offered with a bright smile.

“Well, I’m far from perfect, but you’ve certainly made me feel lovelier than I’ve felt in a long time. Might I ask you to help me the night of Amelia’s birthday ball?”

“It would be my pleasure, Your Majesty.  I’ll also inform Jerome the dress is practically perfect in every way.”

Clarisse allowed herself one final look in the mirror, enjoying the absence of the painful reminders that always accompanied her. She shook her head. “Absolutely perfect in every possible way.”

 ^^C/J^^

**May 15**

Joseph stood in front of the fireplace, missing the usual flames. The weather had warmed to the point where it was no longer necessary. Thoughts of the shadows dancing over Clarisse’s fair skin spiked the desire he found harder and harder to ignore. He saw no solution to this problem. He’d promised patience and he always kept his promises.

“Joseph, thank you for stopping by before you leave. I’m sorry you have to fly overnight.”

He turned to see her clad in blue satin pajamas, modest by any standards but something about knowing under the soft material lie even softer skin did nothing to assist his problem. He smiled and tried to keep his eyes trained on her face. “Only means the time will go faster as I will sleep.”

She stepped closer, the palm of her hand over his heart heating his flesh and increasing the beat. Her knowing smile nearly melted him where he stood. “Liar, I know you never sleep on the plane.”

His hand slid from her shoulder down her arm. “Only because watching you sleep is far more interesting.”

Her smile faded slightly. “I wish I could come with you.” She turned away and stared at the darkened hearth as well. “Damned Parliament.”

Not wanting to spend the little time they had discussing the stodgy members of Parliament, he moved to stand in front of her. “Parliament is not worthy of our time. I will be sure to record all of the special moments for you to watch upon our return. Amelia and Charlotte have been working on setting something up called Skype which, if it works, will allow you to see the ceremony as it happens.”

“That will be wonderful.” He watched as her gaze found his, the blue of her eyes almost iridescent in the faint light.  “And what would be worthy of our time at this moment?” The softness of her voice caressed him and prompted him into action.

Lifting his fingers to her cheek, he gently caressed watching as her eyes closed at his touch. “Sharing our love in the only way we can right now…that is a worthy endeavor.” The pads of his fingers slid across her lips, his eyes riveted to the pink fullness separating slightly at his touch.

“Oh Joseph…” she whispered.

“Tell me if I go too far. One word from you and I promise to stop.” The tips of his fingers trembled with their need to feel her skin under their touch.

At her nod, he let his fingers drift lower, tracing her jaw line and then down to the curve of her neck. He kept the touch light, remembering the horror she experienced being choked. He studied her intently to ensure no adverse reaction. Other than the movement of her throat as she swallowed, she offered no additional response.

He continued the exploration downward along the collar of her night shirt. The vee in the front dipped low enough to offer barely more than a hint of cleavage which also gave him the privilege of seeing the top of the scar. He blinked rapidly and swallowed hard himself as he fought the memory of how the scar came to be.

Using only his index finger, he slid into the valley between her breasts, caressing the scarred area. He felt the expansion of her chest as the gasp slid from the lips he’d touch only a minute before. “Joseph…I…”

“Trust me. I want to change the bad to good. Let’s push the boundaries a little bit together.” Every fiber in his being wanted her to give the slightest nod of approval, but he needed the nod as he wouldn’t reverse the progress they’d made.

Time passed inexorably slow as he watched and waited, finally she tilted her head in a nod. Not wanting to give her time to change her mind, he lifted his other hand and slowly undid the first couple buttons on her top. The rise and fall of her chest fueled his quest. “Okay?” He whispered.

She licked her lips and whispered in return, “Okay.”

The beating of his heart pounded against his ribcage as his finger continued to trace the scar another inch and then another lower. The beating stopped for several seconds when he realized she wasn’t wearing a bra. He allowed his hand to fan out to cover more area, noting the contrast of the soft pillow of curves to the scarred area.

“It’s so ugly…”

He heard the pained confession and wanted to show her he didn’t see it that way. Lowering his head, he kissed the exposed area starting at her breastbone and moving lower until he reached the scar. With loving care, he kissed the same few inches of scar he’d just touched. One of her hands moved to his shoulder while the other held his head close to her. His tongue soothed over the area and he heard the moan slip unbidden from her lips, the vibration of her pleasure felt in his lips. “So beautiful….”

He moved back slightly and let his hand slide inside the satin of her shirt to cover her heart as his lips journeyed upward again to kiss her. The strong beat played a steady rhythm against his palm. His kiss started lightly, but when her hand slid around his neck and pulled him deeper in, he didn’t fight her.

So, so good. He moaned his pleasure as Clarisse tilted her head and the sweet nectar of her tongue slid across his lips. Parting to let her in, he was awash with so many sensations, it made it hard to think…to stay in control.

Moving his hand lower, he cupped the precious weight of her breast in his hand. His thumb slid over the small bud, bringing it to attention and the woman in his arms out of the kiss.

Deep draws of air mingled around them. She’d stopped the kiss, but she’d not stepped out of his embrace. “Did I go too far?”

She shook her head and laid it on his shoulder, moving her hand to trap his against her body and under the satin.  “You went just far enough. Thank you for loving the imperfections and finding beauty in them.”

“I look forward to doing that for each and every inch of your beautiful body.” Placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, he closed his eyes and captured this moment in his mind.

“Hurry home, Joseph…. Hurry home.”

^^C/J^^

**May 22 – Princess Mia’s Birthday Ball**

Joseph tried to appear nonchalant as he waited for Clarisse to make her appearance. He’d seen her briefly when he arrived with the Princess, but then Charlotte had whisked the royal family away to deal with all the last minute preparations for the ball. He tried not to think of the Christmas ball and the fear they’d had to deal with. When he spoke to Clarisse while he was in America, she seemed more at peace and ready to enjoy dancing in public again.

Their progress had been significant, despite all the setbacks. His blood heated as he recalled their steamy goodbye only a few days ago. Was it possible they might finally be able to move past the events of that weekend?

“The Eagle is flying…” Charlotte’s voice broke through the pleasant memory and his eyes fixed on the corridor, waiting for her arrival. Sparkling peach fabric moved softly against her body as she walked confidently toward him. Before he could move forward to greet her, she gracefully twirled offering him a view of the scooped back of her dress.

Sleep deprivation must be worse than he thought as his eyes captured the flawless skin on her back. Though he’d not seen the scars, he’d witnessed the brutality as Jason brought the whip down over and over on her freckled skin. Needing to distract himself from the painful memory, he extended his hand to hers and lifted the gloved fingers for a kiss. “Beautiful….but, you’re late Your Majesty.”

The brilliant smile on her face warmed his heart. “A Queen is never late. Everyone else is… simply early.”

At that moment, there were at least a million things he wanted to say, but even though Charlotte had lowered her head to offer them the illusion of privacy, he knew hundreds of people were waiting for her to enter and announce the Princess.

She cupped his cheek and he leaned into her touch. He prayed they could pick up where they left off, when he’d had to say good-bye.

Three long hours later, Joseph finally had the privilege of escorting her to her suite. The ball had progressed without a hitch for the Queen and only a few minor hiccups for the Princess. Clarisse had danced with him a couple of times and managed the other dances with a large portion of her grace intact.

Once at her door, she turned and smiled. “Would you join me for a nightcap? I feel the need to celebrate…Genovia’s new queen is now in residence at the palace.”

He nodded and stepped inside her suite. His fingers slid along her cheek and jawbone. “Very true, though I hold a great deal of love, admiration and affection for her current queen as well.”

Her blush warmed his heart and his small flicker of hope received new life and grew into a brighter flame. “Let me clear the suite and then we’ll have the nightcap.”

She nodded and leaned against the doorframe. He felt her eyes on him as he checked any potential hiding places as well as the security of the windows and secret passageway. “All clear.”

“Thank you. I appreciate the extra security measures, though I hate they’re necessary.” She walked to the bar and poured them both a measure of scotch. He noticed she tended to favor the stronger drink when they were alone, leaving wine or her usual tea for public appearances. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure if that pleased or worried him. Did she need the stronger beverage to relax her or had she simply come to prefer his drink of choice?

She lifted the glass, “To Genovia’s future queen.”

The glasses clinked. “Here, here.” He swallowed a few times and then asked. “Speaking of the Princess, has she been informed of the new security measures?”

Clarisse enjoyed a more delicate sip, liquid layering her satin lips with a glossy sheen. Joseph fought the urge to capture her mouth in his and assist her with the task. As if reading his mind, the tip of her pink tongue slid along her mouth capturing every drop. He suppressed a groan.

“Yes, she questioned Scott at first about it as her impatient side didn’t appreciate the extra waiting time. Once he explained the new security directive came straight from you, she became more agreeable.” She set the glass down and her gaze drifted a thousand miles away. “I hated seeing the worry lines on her sweet, young forehead as she began to process that someone out there might truly want to hurt her.”

He moved closer and cupped her cheek, lifting until her gaze was locked with his. “Better she learn the lesson now and be vigilant.”

The blue of her eyes disappeared as her lids descended. He knew she was remembering when their complacency cost them dearly. His lips found hers and pressed gently wanting to recapture the mood from earlier. “No more talk of security or other mundane matters, I’d rather focus on how absolutely stunningly beautiful you look in that dress.”

She pulled him into an embrace, his hands resting at her hips. “Mmm, I do feel rather beautiful. Jerome outdid himself this time.”

Joseph wanted to feel the skin of her back under his touch. He lifted his hand to caress and felt her fingers around his wrist. The clouds in her eyes made them difficult to read. Her back had healed, why would she hesitate? Unless she didn’t want his touch…

“As beautiful as the dress is, I would like to change into something more comfortable. Would you excuse me for a moment?”

His gaze pierced hers trying to fathom whether this was a good thing or bad. He nodded, “Of course.”

While she was gone, he decided he didn’t care if the season didn’t call for it, he wanted a fire – just a small one, more for effect than heat. Discarding his jacket and tie, he busied himself with the task. Minutes later, a few flames danced in the dim light of the room.

“Thank you for the fire, I miss having one every night.”

He turned at the sound of her voice and his breath caught in his throat. Her tall, lithe body was wrapped in ivory silk, the robe falling midway between her knees and ankles. He dare not even consider what lay below the covering as his body would refuse to be subdued…no man could resist a woman as beautiful as Clarisse.

Her face clouded, “Say something, Joseph…please.” She took steps toward him, never letting her gaze leave his. Once in front of him, she clasped his hands in hers. “The doctor suggested we try to move things forward… After our good-bye, I thought…” Her hands trembled and she released her hold on him. “I’m sorry…”

The sadness in her tone tore through his paralysis and he reached out to reclaim her hand. “No, wait, my love. It is I who am sorry. Your beauty stole my breath and ability to speak.” The other hand slid along her arm and up to her shoulder and then finally to cup her cheek. “Breathtakingly beautiful, that’s what you are and I am honored you are willing to try.”

She moved to sit on the edge of the couch, her ankles crossed properly. She gestured to the cushion next to her. “I’m willing to try.”

Taking the seat next to her, he angled his body in order to face her. Beginning where he had during their good-bye, his fingertips started their caress on her cheek, tenderly exploring and moving lower. Once his hand had moved to her shoulder, his lips found hers for a kiss. The taste of scotch still lingered, both intensifying and intoxicating the connection.

This time it was the tip of his tongue sliding along her luscious lips as he probed for entrance. The murmur of pleasure as her mouth parted ignited the small flame he’d been controlling for weeks, if not months. Peripherally he felt her hand soothing his chest, shoulders and arms as he fell deeper and deeper into her.

Needing to breathe and calm his racing heart, he pulled away from the kiss. Quickly remembering himself, his eyes scanned her face for signs of distress. So far, so good. “Okay?” He whispered.

Her small smile warmed his heart even further. “Mmm, better than okay.”

“Another step?”

She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, a move he found enticingly adorable. After only a moment’s hesitation, she nodded. He leaned forward and kissed her gently again. “Show me.”

Reaching for his hand, she lifted it and kissed his palm before lowering it to the sash of her robe. Her eyes were dark, like the ocean at midnight. Keeping his eyes on hers, his fingers fought their trembling to untie the loose knot. As the material separated, he lowered his eyes to find a matching gown underneath. His right hand slid below the material on her shoulder and pushed it down, revealing a spaghetti strap for her sleeve. Wanting to pay homage to the freckled skin, he leaned forward and began to place tender kisses on the newly revealed flesh.

Adrenaline surged as her fingers toyed with the fringe of hair surrounding his smooth pate. Wanting to feel connected, the kisses journeyed upward until they reached her tempting mouth once again. As the kiss deepened, his hand drifted lower to explore. The fingers moved slowly down the scar, allowing him to feel the rise and fall of her chest. Unable to resist one moment longer, his hand slid under the fabric to cup her breast. The weight felt perfect in his hand, their mutual moans of pleasure filled the room.

Desire heated his blood and kicked his arousal up another notch. Leaning into her, he angled his head, tongues battling while his hand squeezed and caressed the precious weight…his control slipping from his grasp. For a moment…only a moment, he had the privilege of forgetting.

Until…

A firm hand pushed him gently back causing him to cease his motions. The desire in her eyes had clouded over with fear. Remembering Doc Weston’s words, he whispered. “Let’s talk about it, tell me the trigger? What can I do differently?”

He tried to stay focused on her face, but the heaving of her chest and her partially revealed breast commanded his attention. After a moment, she answered. “Perhaps a lighter touch? I know it was desire that guided your hand, but it sparked memories of Rich’s less than delicate handling of my body.”

Joseph lifted his eyes to hers and saw the fear as the memory took hold. His index finger reached out and traced her well-kissed lips. “Allow me to try again?”

A small nod as her eyes closed and she leaned against the cushions was a subtle signal, yet enough. Regaining control of his body, thoughts and reigning in his arousal, he forced himself to use a lighter touch.

Fingering along the edges of the bodice, he stroked her gently through the satin alternating from soft touches on the top, to circling the taut bud, to a firmer stroke on the underside. His efforts paid off as her body arched and she whispered, “Oh Joseph…”

Her husky whisper served as gasoline on the flame he wanted to control…needed to control. His hand moved lower as he leaned in to kiss her again. He tried to focus on the kiss, but the exploration of his hand took center stage. The gentle curve of her waist, the perfect curve of her hip…the muscles of her thigh rippling under his touch. The caress continued lower until the satin ended and the soft-as-silk skin started.

Sensing no immediate resistance, he allowed himself the pleasure of slipping under the hem of her gown as he caressed the top of her thigh. This was how it was supposed to be…how it should have been… her warm, willing body singing with desire and need for him… For him!

As the caress deepened, his hand slid to the inside of her thigh, a thousand fantasies of losing himself between those amazing legs heated his blood. A moment later, the fantasy shattered as her hands pushed hard against him and she scrambled away from him. “Stop! No!!” The volume of her voice iced not only the building heat, but chilled the entire thread of progress they’d built.

Quickly he raised his hands in defense. “I’m sorry…Clarisse, what’s wrong?  Talk to me. Don’t shut me out…please.”

She righted her gown and pulled the robe tightly around her. “That’s enough for tonight.”

Moving to the other end of the couch, even though she was no longer sitting, to indicate him giving her some space, he retrieved his glass and took a long draw of the amber liquid. He saw the panic, the fear and, damn it, the horror clearly written on her face. Blinking rapidly to clear the fog of desire from his brain, he tried to recall at what moment the panic set in. “I only wanted to touch the inside of your thigh. I would never touch you…well, there, without your permission. Surely you realize that?”

“I have been touched many times, in many places, without giving permission.” The pain in her statement tore at his soul. How could he have allowed himself to lose control? Things had been going so well. He hung his head as the cold realization washed over him, dousing any remaining flames. He, too, had touched her there…multiple times, without express permission – even if he had done so to save her from a more vile touch…

He nodded, “You’re correct. I apologize.” As he threw back the last of his drink, knowing he would have to leave in a few moments, his brain focused on the moment right before she pushed him away. There had been something different…not just in her reaction, but in the feel of her skin under his touch. He’d only experienced it for a moment…but it was there.

Standing, he moved a few steps closer, still careful not to invade her personal space. “I am sorry, Clarisse. Thank you for trying. Perhaps sometime we can try again?”

Her arms hugged her body tightly, but she nodded. “Perhaps.”

^^C/J^^

**May 27**

Clarisse sat staring blindly out the large picture window in the library, the mountains shrouded in the darkness of the night sky, mirroring the hue of her soul. Her relationship with Joseph had taken a wrong turn and currently remained at a stand-still or…she feared…had moved in reverse. The situation in Genovia had moved from the straight path she laid out onto a difficult road filled with hair-pin turns and dangerous valleys.

Thirty days…

One month for her granddaughter to wed or the crown goes to Sir Nicholas or, more importantly, the power to Mabry. Power he would abuse.

And the worst part of it all? She’d actually arranged a slide show of prospective suitors for her to choose her future husband – a slide show! Joseph had supported her, but his eyes had told a different story.  Once again, she was at a loss to fully articulate her position, her emotions…her needs.

“Gramma?”

At the sound of her granddaughter’s voice, she drew a slow breath. “Yes, Amelia. Is everything alright?”

“May I come in and sit with you for a minute?”

“Of course, darling.” She patted the cushion next to her, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay as she recalled the number of times she or Joseph had done the same for the other. _Will he still want to sit beside me on Dr. Weston’s couch?_

She felt the couch dip and the wide-eyed gaze of her granddaughter resting upon her. After a few moments, she spoke. “I wanted to apologize for yesterday.”

The soft confession brought her from her inner concerns. Turning toward the young woman, her hand reached out to her shoulder.  “Whatever for, my darling?”

Mia stood and moved to the window, her fingers twirling the long dark hair. “Yesterday…in the throne room.”

Clarisse forced her mind to clear out personal concerns and to focus on the terrible events of yesterday. As she replayed the timeline, she arrived at the moment she believed brought on the apology. She stood and moved to stand next to Amelia, staring into the same darkness she had been for hours. “One must never apologize for telling the truth. You long for true love, as your grandmother I wish that for you too.”

“And my Queen?” Her voice was guarded.

Clarisse sighed. “Your queen wants you to understand that the role you are agreeing to fulfil is a life filled with both opportunity and sacrifice. Agreeing to an arranged marriage…”

Mia’s sigh mirrored hers. “Is part of the sacrifice.”

She turned to face her granddaughter, putting her hands on her shoulders so they faced each other. “It may start off that way, but doesn’t have to stay that way. Andrew is a wonderful young man and sometimes love finds us in the strangest of places and ways.”

“But you never found true love…not with Grandfather anyway.”  The guarded tone was now edged with a hint of accusation.

Clarisse inhaled slowly, “You are far too young to understand this right now, but sometimes there are things that are just as important, if not more important than our romantic notion of love.”

Mia’s eyes narrowed, “You’re saying your love for Joe and his for you isn’t the most important thing in your life?”

Another slow exhale. _Why must she always ask me such personal questions? Does she not realize I’m trying to protect her?_ “It is not.”

The chocolate brown of her eyes brimmed with tears. “How can you say that, Gramma?”

Again, her words failed her. Damn those men. “Amelia, the relationship between Joseph and I is far more complicated…far more intertwined than the simple notion you’re implying.”

Her granddaughter stepped into her private space, making Clarisse have to force herself not to move back. “He loves you, Gramma, that’s obvious to me and Pierre. What is he to you?”

Control…she needed to regain control of this situation. Drawing to her full height, she leaned forward until Amelia was forced to take a step back under the force of the full Queen’s glare. “What he is to me is none of your, or anyone else’s, business. Now if there’s nothing else…”

She steeled herself against the watery brown eyes. The brown hair shaking, “Nothing else, Your Majesty.” With her statement, she turned on her heel and left.

Watching the retreating form, Clarisse allowed a few errant tears to slip down her cheek. She turned back to the dark window and whispered, “He’s my everything, Amelia. He’s my everything.”

^^C/J^^


	26. The Four Letter Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The princess tries to manage her public appearances with very little success, meanwhile the private lives of Clarisse and Joseph continue to deteriorate...

Chapter 26

**May 29**

Clarisse inhaled and exhaled slowly. _I can do this._ With deliberate movements, she slowly undressed. Each piece of clothing placed carefully over the chair. As each protective garment left her body, the resultant chill settled in her bones. Though the thought of what was about to happen no longer sent her into a cold sweat, the vulnerability and exposure caused huge dents in her fragile psyche. Add to that, she was a captive audience to whatever pearls of wisdom or questions her doctor would ask added up to one long day with no food on her stomach.

Pulling the sheet over her body, she reclined on the examination table and waited. Thankfully, she didn’t have to wait long as the soft knock at the door announced Dr. Weston’s entrance. “Good afternoon, Clarisse. How’s my favorite patient today?”

“Flattery will get you nowhere. You know I’d rather be anywhere but here, right now.” It wasn’t her intention to be cross with him, but with her relationship with Joseph strained, pressure from Parliament, and Amelia’s accusations and prying into her personal life, it was a wonder she hadn’t hung someone in the courtyard by their toes by now.

She chanced a glance at the doctor and he seemed unfazed by her outburst. His gentle smile remained on his face and he nodded. “Well then let’s get this finished so you can get back to the business of running our country.”

With tender care, he began to examine her. First, her throat to ensure there’d been no lasting damage to her windpipe or any other area affected by the cruel and strong grip of Lester. She swallowed hard and drew in a deep breath, remembering the burning sensation throughout her chest when she’d been deprived of oxygen.

“No trouble swallowing or soreness in your throat?”

She shook her head. “No, the physical signs of the choking are gone.”

He nodded. She didn’t have to say it. _The emotional and mental signs remain._ As if on cue, she drew in another deep breath. Funny how she’d never truly appreciated the simple act of breathing until she’d been deprived of the privilege.

Next came the scars on her front. She closed her eyes as the memories of Joseph’s sensual touch on the scarred area flooded her mind. He’d been able to change what she saw as an ugly reminder and showed her it didn’t affect how he saw her or his desire for her. As the sheet was moved enough for him to view the smaller scar on her breast, she focused on the warmth she’d experienced at Joseph’s touch. Far better to relive pleasant memories than those of the vile men. Rich had particularly enjoyed fondling her breasts. She shuddered at the brief memory flash.

“Are you alright?” Dr. Weston moved the sheet upward to cover her once again.

“I’m fine.”

The concern on his face increased, but he didn’t respond. “Let’s have you sit up so I can check your back.”

Holding firmly to the sheet with one hand, she accepted his hand to raise herself to a sitting position. His fingertips grazed over each white line that remained from Jason’s whip. He’d been following Lester’s instructions, but she didn’t doubt for a second he’d taken pleasure from her pain.

“Some across your lower back have not healed as nicely as your upper back. Are they causing you any pain?”

“Nothing physical.” She wasn’t sure how many times he would ask the same question. She hadn’t answered in the affirmative for her last two check-ups. Why the man continued to ask bewildered her. “Honestly, I don’t understand why these exams are still necessary. The scars are never going to go away, they will always remain. Though they no longer cause physical pain, the negative emotions associated with them are always with me. You can’t heal that, I’m afraid.”

He guided her back until she was flat on her back. He moved one side of the sheet and slipped his hand under her knee to prompt her to bend her leg. She straightened her leg and clamped it tightly against the other. “They’re fine as well, no physical pain.”

The Doctor’s spine straightened and he leveled her with a glare that would rival any she could deliver. “I must remind you, Your Majesty, that in the matters of your physical well-being, my orders trump yours. Now please, allow me to finish the examination.”

There it was again…someone reminding her of their control…their power…their will. She bent her knee and looked away. “I no longer believe that the title of Queen comes with any power as both you and Joseph love to remind me that you’re the boss.”

Keen eyes honed in what she knew represented the ugliest of the marks she’d received that weekend. His voice was soft as his fingers gently probed the discolored area. “Are you certain they don’t cause you pain?”

She blinked back the tears remembering her panic when she realized Joseph might feel the marks that represented the pinnacle of her time in hell. He’d want to know and she couldn’t…wouldn’t tell him.  As he moved higher on her thigh, she fought hard to control her reaction. She didn’t think the scars actually caused her pain, but the phantom pain each time she recalled that night burned deep within her soul. “I’m certain.”

He moved the sheet to examine the other thigh. “Clarisse, without you telling me, I’m fairly certain Jason is responsible for whatever implement caused these marks. It’s just you and me, will you tell me what happened? Unburden yourself and let the healing continue.”

“What makes you say that?” Had she slipped and told him something…something he would mention in front of Joseph?

He pressed against the bruised area causing her to flinch slightly. His gaze found hers. “Because these are, by far, the worst of your physical scars and Jason is the only member of the group you refuse to speak about.”

_Had Joseph figured that out as well?_ No, he couldn’t have. He didn’t know the scars were there. And he never would, if she could help it. “Could we please finish? As you mentioned earlier, I have a country to run.”

His face clearly displayed his disappointment, but thankfully he didn’t press. Instead, he guided her feet into the stirrups and focused on the final portion of her exam. She squeezed the edge of the table tightly as his fingers invaded her body. Despite her progress in the area of being touched, this intimate touch made her empty stomach roll and dry heaves threaten. After Rich had his turn of playing “doctor” with her, it was a miracle she could even endure the procedure.

After a few minutes, his head appeared above the sheet. “The tearing appears to have healed. You may encounter some initial discomfort the first time you become sexually active however, so going slow will be the key.”

She sat back up and held the sheet tightly around her front. “I don’t think that’s going to be an issue for quite some time, but thank you for the warning.” Her abdomen tingled slightly at the thought of Joseph’s body moving slowly in and out of hers.

Dr. Weston’s voice broke into the fantasy starting to play in her head. “About earlier, Clarisse. Two things.”

“Yes?” She didn’t want to hear this but was in no position to flee the room at the present moment.

“First, my only concern is for your health, both physically and emotionally. I only invoke the physician’s rule when you are disregarding or putting your health in jeopardy. As a citizen of Genovia, I want my queen to live long. I gratefully submit to your rule, your control and your wishes in all other matters.”

Clarisse exhaled a slow breath. She’d been unreasonable yet again. “You’re right, Doctor. I’m sorry. I’ve been on edge lately and felt at every turn as though someone else is making decisions for my life. It doesn’t set well.”

“Joseph and I are the only two who could ever do such a thing and we would never do it unless it was to keep the Queen we love and respect safe – from others or, at times, from herself.”

She nodded, not wanting to prolong this discussion. “And second?”

He moved forward and placed a hand on her knee. “You need to tell him. Doctor patient privilege prevents me from asking you about the scars during our session, but he’s a smart man, Clarisse and he will start to put the pieces together, if he hasn’t already, whether he sees the scars or not. If you expect to have a physical relationship with him, eventually he’s going to see them. Wouldn’t it be better to tell him on your terms rather than catch him by surprise?”

Clarisse bit her tongue to keep from responding in anger to his assertions and assumptions. She’d told him on several occasions Jason was off-limits. Why wouldn’t he leave it alone? “Based on our progress of late along with the amount of time it will take to prepare the Princess, I don’t think my physical relationship with Joseph will progress to a point where he will see the scars for quite some time to come. Perhaps by then, they will be gone.”

He opened his mouth to comment, but she cut him off. “Thank you for your concern and for taking such good care of me. Now if there’s nothing else?” She’d become quite adept at cutting people off with that remark.

Dr. Weston shook his head and offered a smile. “Nothing else, Your Majesty. I’ll see you at our next appointment.”

The door closed and Clarisse laid back and drew several deep breaths in and out. She tried not to think of Joseph, but Dr. Weston’s warning rang loudly in her head. Her thighs burned and she couldn’t help but wonder if Joseph would ultimately be able to accept these scars as he had the others. More importantly, would he accept them without knowing how they came to be? They were the only scars he’d not witnessed being placed on her body and…

They were the only ones she never wanted to talk about again.

^^C/J^^

“Joseph, may I speak with you a moment?” Mrs. Kout stood in the doorframe, her hands wringing in front of her black dress. “I hate to bother you but the Queen is…well she is indisposed at the moment.”

Joseph looked up from his paperwork, his focus had been pulled in so many directions over the past couple days. He’d kept himself busy…he had to. The image of Clarisse in her ivory gown, the feel of her soft skin under his palm, then the nightmare he brought to the surface of those beautiful, blue eyes. Add to that the non-stop drama of their lives since the Princess arrived and the pounding headache proved his only constant companion of late. So much so he’d almost forgotten Clarisse had her physical check-up with Dr. Weston this afternoon. He gestured to the chair across his desk. “Please, sit down.”

She stepped inside his office and shut the door behind her. At the sound of the closing door, Joseph looked up and saw the worry lines creasing her eyes and adding strain to the normally serene face. Whatever she had to tell him was not going to be good.

A brief thirty minutes later, the door re-opened and she nodded her solemn good-bye. It had taken her less than ten minutes to fill him in on the latest antics of their future Queen and the man trying to steal the throne. He’d spent the remaining twenty asking questions that might help him justify the Princess’ actions. Neither he nor the head of housekeeping could find a viable explanation. Though she’d been married for many years now, Mrs. Kout had said she hadn’t forgotten what longing in someone’s eyes looked like. She’d seen it in her future queen’s eyes when she looked upon Sir Nicholas.

He was right…

This was not good.

And what was worse…

He had to tell Clarisse.

He put his hand under his chin and turned his head all the way to the right and then to the left, the resulting cracking sounds indicated the tension still keeping a tight hold on the muscles there. Though they’d had some hiccups lately, he knew Clarisse and if she sensed anyone or anything – including the wayward hormones of her granddaughter – threatening the Renaldi reign, she would intervene.

They’d come too far, went through too much to let this keep them from their ultimate goal. He stood and started to pace. He’d promised her they’d take their time…go at their own pace, but what was it Doc kept telling them? _“Your public life sometimes forces a time table onto your private lives.”_

That’s what was happening here. Fear over his future with Clarisse formed a solid lump in his stomach he knew would continue to grow until he was assured she would be by his side till death parted them. Even though they were far from ready for all that went with marriage vows, for once he needed to take steps to ensure his future – to ensure they had time to make it through all those steps.

Yes, that’s what he would do. He would find the right time and then do his duty to his country by telling her about Mia and Nicholas and then find the courage to perform the duty he had to himself by asking her to marry him.

^^C/J^^

**May 30- Saturday morning**

A walk with Joseph was the perfect way to alleviate some of the strain from her day. The grounds were so green this time of year and all the beautiful flowers and colors…Clarisse always found solace and comfort in her walks outside. The fact that Joseph still wanted to walk with her gave her hope that all was not lost with him either.

Her appointment and conversation with the doctor had left her unsettled. She hated keeping things from Joseph. He’d asked her time and time again to trust him. But this was different. Her time with Jason had affected her on a level she couldn’t even begin to understand herself, much less explain to him. And God knows she’d had a difficult time trying to explain anything to Joseph lately.

No. Her decision was final. She couldn’t tell him.

They’d walked for several minutes in companionable silence. She’d refrained from slipping her hand through his arm as there were many workers out and about today. Though he’d escorted her on walks before, he hadn’t offered his arm this time and she didn’t want to push it.

As a matter of fact, he’d appeared lost in thought for most of the walk. As they made the turn toward the gazebo, he’d shared information about the latest antics of her granddaughter. As the gazebo came in sight, he added. “I'm told this Lord Devereaux boy is a native Genovian. Recently graduated Cambridge, gourmet cook, plays polo and rugby, and is known as quite a ladies' man.”

  _This can’t be happening! We are so close…how could she do such a thing? Maybe I misunderstood._ “She was in a closet?”

Joseph’s eyes closed briefly with the admission. “With him. Yes.”

She’d asked him before, but she desperately needed reassurance. “Does she have the makings of a queen?”

“Well, she's young, but I've always believed in her.”

_I used to believe in so many things...a fairytale ending for myself and Joseph being chief amongst those desires._ Not wanting to turn the conversation to personal and possibly painful matters, she stated the obvious. “The wedding invitations have been sent out. She and Andrew make a fine pair, I think.”

Joseph guided her into the gazebo. One of her favorite places, besides the rose garden, on the grounds. “Yes, they do.”

_Why is he just agreeing with everything I say? Usually we have a wonderful conversation about anything…even after everything that happened we could always talk about Amelia or the monarchy._ “She's very set on it, you know.”

Joseph turned toward her and she couldn’t stop herself from thinking how handsome he was. Still adorned in his standard black attire, but the lines in his face appeared softer. Normally, this side was reserved for their private time alone. She quickly glanced around and realized they were alone. Had he planned this?

“Clarisse, my dear. Forget the wedding for a moment.”

_Forget? How can I possibly forget about such an important event? Nothing is more critical than securing the Renaldi reign for another generation._ Joseph clearing his throat brought her focus back to him.

“In less than a month, you will no longer be queen, and I will no longer be your head of security. I think it's time we bring our friendship out of the shadows.”

Time stood still for Clarisse as she contemplated Joseph’s words. Was he saying what she thought he was saying? Or, more importantly, asking… She needed to know. Her heart started beating rapidly in her chest. She’d never been proposed to before. Last time had been a negotiation. _Much like I’m forcing Amelia to do now…_ “Oh, Joseph, l...”

A tender smile. One that melted her heart and made her fall in love with him all over again. Oh how she wanted to spend forever with him. “Yes. Yes, my dear. I would kneel if it weren't for my knee replacement.”

He was proposing! For one brief moment she let herself feel the elation at being chosen by someone who loved her more than life itself. Someone who’d been a friend, confidant and…well, her everything. _Lover…don’t forget. He knows. Knows other men defiled you before and after he was with you._ Her fantasy crumbled as quickly as it had risen and she knew she needed to refocus him on their current goal. The duty to their country. “There's a wedding to be planned. Mia needs to win over the people of Genovia, all in less than thirty days.”

Those soulful eyes pierced her heart, perhaps even well into her soul. She could see the love, the pain, the fear. “Perhaps it's time to consider the duty you have to yourself.”

The last time she’d forgotten who she was and allowed the duty to herself to outweigh the duty to her country, she’d found herself kidnapped and tortured. If only she hadn’t agreed to go away that weekend… The doctor’s words from yesterday echoed in her mind. _If you expect to have a physical relationship with him, eventually he’s going to see them_.   _See the scars, both inside and out, she tried desperately to hide._ “Oh.”

“Clarisse... My darling, please think about it. Please.”

Think about it. That’s all she’d been doing lately was think about her future with Joseph. The woman in her wanted to move past all the pain of her past and fall asleep every night in Joseph’s arms. The ache and longing in her heart for such a life nearly suffocated her.

But…

The queen inside of her demanded she do her duty and reminded her of the high cost to her country should she fail. There was no doubt if Lord Devereaux became King, he would be nothing more than a puppet for Viscount Mabry.

The battle between her roles waged valiantly, but one look into the gentle blue eyes of the man she loved wouldn’t allow her to say no. But, she couldn’t say yes either. All she could ask for was time. Lifting her hand to his cheek, she offered a small smile. “I will.”

^^C/J^^

**May 31- Sunday**

  
Walking into the tack room, Joseph’s heart broke as he saw his princess fighting so hard to hold her emotions in check. Over the last four years Mia had become more like a granddaughter than his future queen and just like with her grandmother, he would go to hell and back to protect her. “Princess, excuse me. The queen has arrived.”

 “Yes.” Gathering her skirt, Amelia headed out of the barn dreading the look of disappointment that would be present on her grandmother’s face as she sat across from her in the limo.

On her way out Viscount Mabry was making his way down the path towards the tack room, in his usual manner yelling in search of his nephew. “Nicholas.”

Turning, Nicholas started towards the door to meet his uncle only to be stopped short by Joseph’s hand on his arm. “Am I going to be disappointed in you?”

He feared he was going to be disappointed in Clarisse’s answer to his desire to make their relationship public. If the situation with the princess didn’t improve soon, he wasn’t sure even he could rescue her from the chains of duty.

As if his day couldn’t get any worse, the Viscount stepped into the doorway, a smug grin on his face. “Unfortunate incident, that. I'm just leaving. You going to come and see me off?”

He’d directed the question to Nicholas, but Joseph had a few words to say to the man he loathed more and more each day. He released his hold on Nicholas. “I'd like to speak with your uncle alone, Nicholas. Please.”

As Nicholas stepped away, Joseph fought the urge to punch the smirk off Mabry’s face. Instead, he opted for diplomacy first. “Viscount. You may not be aware of what my job entails as the royal head of security. My job is to protect the crown, to make sure no harm comes to the crown. To step in when someone toys with the crown's emotions, you see.”

“I think the entire country understands how well you cater for the crown's emotions.” The smirk grew into a wide, knowing grin. He was baiting him! He wanted Joseph to say something that would confirm the speculation and rumors about his relationship with Clarisse. Not that the Viscount himself was above dabbling with the help. Joseph had it on good authority that he’d entered into a relationship with the maid the service had sent out before Gretchen. The sonofabitch had her replaced when she no longer wanted to share his bed.

No, his only reason was to use the knowledge to put Nicholas…ergo himself, into the highest position of power in Genovia. Well it would be a cold day in hell before he helped this smug bastard out. No, he’d rather put him in his place.

All emotion flowed from Joseph’s face straight into his clinched fist. “If you hurt my girl, you will answer directly to me. And whatever crimes I commit against you, remember…I have diplomatic immunity in forty six countries, including Puerto Rico.”

The smirk faded, replaced by a self-righteous anger. The viscount’s nostrils flared and his eyes hardened. “Sir, you will find that the word fear is not in my vocabulary.” 

Taking a step closer, Joseph’s eyes bore into the other man’s, seeing all he needed to see. “Perhaps. But it's in your eyes.” Ready to deliver the final blow and to let this snake know he was not going to succeed on his watch, He laid the rubber snake across his shoulder. “You forgot something.” 

The Viscount left in a huff and Joseph knew he’d hit his mark. The moment the Viscount left, Joseph slumped against the wall and tried to breathe. He still had to face Clarisse and he’d rather face an angry viscount any day than a disappointed queen.

Once again, feelings of failure and doubt seeped into his bones. “ _Why would she ever agree to marry me? All I do is constantly let her down. First, not protecting her at the beach and now this…could this week get any worse?”_

He knew the Doc would berate him for the negative thoughts and returning to the blame game for that weekend, but damn it all, they could color the picture however they wanted, he was still responsible. What had he just said to the Viscount? His job was to protect the Crown…to make sure no harm came to the crown… Well, he’d failed miserably in that regard and now he continued to pay the price.

Time to face the music and hope she would find it in her heart to forgive him for this time failing her granddaughter. With a heavy heart, he made his way back to the palace. The trip took longer than usual as his feet refused to move quickly. Once there, he knocked on her door and waited for permission to enter.

“Come.”

He entered the room to find her sitting on the sofa with her legs tucked under her. On a normal day, he would’ve found the pose adorable, but today it was accompanied by a weary expression. She looked up acknowledging his presence before returning her attention back to the fringe on the throw draped over the back of the sofa.

His feet refused to move as her disappointment filled the room and surrounded him with a blanket of guilt. “I’m sorry, Your Majesty. I’ve failed you once again.”

At his use of her title, her gaze snapped to his, the intensity almost knocking him over. She patted the cushion next to him. A gesture they’d used to symbolize _“I’m not mad, let’s talk.”_  The small overture gave him hope and a small sliver of the fear he entered the room with began to dissipate.

He closed the distance between them quickly and joined her on the seat right next to her. His lungs released the breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding when she cupped both of his cheeks with her hands and turned him to look in her eyes. “The matter of blame and failure for that weekend has been settled. I don’t blame you for what happened then and I don’t blame you for what happened today.”

His eyes closed as she leaned forward and brushed her lips gently across his before releasing him. Oh how he’d missed her touch, her lips. Since the night of the birthday ball and the ensuing disaster when his hand had wandered where it was not welcome, they’d had very little physical contact.

She offered him a sad smile as her lips separated from him.  “Of course, I wish today’s incident would have been avoided, but we have all been trying to juggle too much. From now on we must concentrate on what is important and nothing else.”

She hadn’t said the words directly, but she might as well have made it a royal decree. Until things with the Princess had settled down, there would be little to no time or attention given to their relationship. Too tired to argue or fight, he slipped her hand into his and rested his head against the back of the sofa. 

He feared that if things didn’t improve with Amelia situation soon….there might not be a relationship left for them to worry about. And that…worried him far more than anything else at the present moment.

_May 31 – The Garden Party_

Joseph stood in the Queen’s office, listening as his queen recited all the failures of his men today.

“This party was supposed to shine a new light on the princess, to make up for the incident during the review of the royal guard. Everything was going splendidly until she emerged from the maze soaking wet, Joseph! And if that didn’t complicate matters enough, a few moments later she was followed by Lord Devereaux. Did I mention he was soaking wet as well?! It doesn’t take much of an imagination to deduce what had taken place.”

Clarisse moved from behind the desk to level her queen glare at him. “Who was responsible for watching Amelia this afternoon?”

Never diverting his gaze, Joseph glared back with the same intensity. “As head of security, I’m responsible, ma’am.”

She waved his confession off with her hand. “That’s very honorable, but not what I asked.”

“Your Majesty, I assure you the issue has been dealt with.”

He watched as she circled around her desk, taking a seat in the leather chair. “Very well, however, let me be very clear. If your team fails to keep an eye on the Princess and keep her from harm’s way – which, in this case, refers to being alone with Lord Devereaux, I will expect someone’s resignation. Do I make myself clear?”

He managed not to flinch at her command. Apparently, when it came to matters of State, she had no problem making her wishes known and sharing her feelings on matters. “Crystal, ma’am.”

“You are excused, Joseph. Please send Charlotte in on your way out.”

“As you wish.”

 

*C&J*

Clarisse stared hard at the young woman curled up on her sofa. Amelia’s arms were crossed in defense of the wrath of her queen.

Between the closet incident, royal review fiasco and now this garden party mess, Clarisse was beginning to wonder if Amelia would ever take her role seriously. Pacing the floor, she finally unleashed a small portion of her frustration upon the young woman. “When are you going to start acting responsibly? Hiding in a closet with a man who is not your betrothed? Coming out of a fountain dripping wet with the same man, who is not your betrothed?” 

In true Amelia fashion, she hit the pillow her head rested on. “Do you think I plan for this kind of stuff to happen? I lost it. Sometimes you just lose it.”

Clarisse thought of all the times she “lost” it that weekend. Those were extreme circumstances and she’d managed to hold some modicum of composure… _at least until that last night._ She shuddered at the memory and brought her mind back to the present.  Moving to sit on the chaise, Clarisse poured herself a cup a tea hoping it would calm her nerves. “You can't afford to lose it. Other people lose it. We're supposed to find it. People look up to us, and we're held to higher standards of behavior. Can you try to grasp that concept?” Clarisse was desperate for Amelia to start acting responsible, the wolves were at the door and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep them away if her granddaughter didn’t behave in a manner befitting a future queen. 

Sitting up, Amelia glanced over her shoulder. The exasperation and, perhaps, annoyance, were clearly written across her face and directed squarely at her grandmother. “The concept is grasped. The execution is a little elusive.”

_A little elusive? She’s yet to manage one…ONE…public appearance without turning it into a media circus._ She sat her cup down on the side table. “Oh, I would say so. Try to get some sleep. You'll want to look fresh for the parade tomorrow. Good night.”

Climbing over the back of the sofa in a very un-queenly manner, she graced Clarisse with one final glare. “Good night, Grandmother.” 

Deciding she should turn in for the night, Clarisse stopped to look at Maurice. He’d been privy to the entire exchange from the comfort of his bed.  “Well, Maurice, it's just you and I. Or are you upset with me too?”

Standing, Maurice stretched his back before following Mia out the door, leaving Clarisse completely alone.  Today she had managed to upset the two most important people in her life, Joseph and Amelia and all for a simple four letter word…duty.


	27. I Will...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The situation continues to deteriorate at the palace...

**Chapter 27**

**June 6 – Parade Day**

Elation filled every fiber of Clarisse’s being. Finally, Amelia’s nature and instinct had paid off in a big way today at the parade. She smiled broadly at her granddaughter as they stepped inside the castle doors. “You were wonderful today, Amelia. Thank you for reminding Genovia…for reminding me, about the precious gift of our children.”

Amelia returned her smile, but her dark eyes were troubled. “There’s more I want to do for them Gramma. As the ruling family, we have an obligation to make sure these children have the best sense of family possible, whether they are adopted or not.”

Clarisse turned to Charlotte and smiled. “Yes, we want to make sure every child knows love and has a chance at a bright future. Don’t you agree, Charlotte?”

A blush crept up Charlotte’s cheeks at her question. She and Charlotte had formed a special bond the first time she’d visited the orphanage and each time thereafter. Even though she hadn’t been able to adopt her, Clarisse had always made sure she was provided for and, as soon as she became old enough, saw to her education. The fact she’d been chosen, without any undue pressure from Clarisse to be her personal assistant, had been extra jewels on top of the crown as far as she was concerned. In her heart, Clarisse considered Charlotte to be her daughter, even though she’d never been able to make it official.

“Yes ma’am. Those children deserve the very best we can give them.”

Amelia perked up, “Charlotte?”

“Yes, Princess?”

“Would you mind having dinner with Lilly and I tonight? Maybe between the three of us, we could come up with some ideas to share with Gramma?”

Clarisse’s heart filled with love and pride. Not only had Amelia went a long way to change public opinion of her today, but she was starting to think of the people of Genovia as _her_ people and wanting to care and provide for him. Perhaps she was the queen Joseph and she believed her to be. She glanced at Charlotte and saw her blinking back tears. The orphanage had always held a special place in her heart and being a part of a solution for them would allow her to give back.

“I would love to, Your Highness.” She turned to Clarisse. “If that’s alright?”

“Of course, Charlotte. I think it’s a brilliant idea. I’ll ask Chef to send something special up to your suite Amelia, enough for three with some extra dessert, just in case.” She winked at the three young women.

Mia’s smile broadened. “Thanks Gramma.” Then she paused and turned to Joseph. “Joe, would you mind keeping Gramma company for dinner? I’d hate for her to eat alone after such a great day.”

Clarisse’s breath held in her lungs as she waited for Joseph’s response. Knowing Joseph, he would agree for Amelia’s sake and then politely decline as she was certain he didn’t want her company at the moment.

Joseph smiled at Amelia. “Of course, Princess. It’s never good to eat alone.”

Amelia hugged Joseph and then the three younger women hurried off to change and begin their brainstorming session. Clarisse caught Joseph’s eye. “If you don’t want to share dinner with me, I understand. Things have been strained between us lately. I’m sure you have no desire to be around me right now, much less share a meal.” It hurt her heart to say the words, but guilting him into dinner with her would be even worse. There’d been enough pressure in their relationship, the blame for a large portion of which rested solely at her pointed-toe feet.

He stepped closer, the heat from his body surrounding her. He leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on her cheek. The warm breath of his whisper sent pleasant shivers down her spine. “I do not wish to dine with the queen, but would love to celebrate a successful day with Clarisse.”

She turned toward him, their faces only inches apart. “I shall ask her to refrain from joining us or to remain quiet throughout the meal.”

His fingers trailed along her cheek, prompting her to close her eyes. “Then I will join you in a half an hour. Is that acceptable?”

Clarisse nodded. “Yes, thank you.”

^^C/J^^

An hour later, they’d enjoyed a wonderful dinner and had settled on the couch for a night cap. Joseph noted she’d stuck with her wine and poured him a scotch. Unsure if that was a good sign or bad, he decided to stick with neutral conversation. “I was very proud of your granddaughter today.”

She smiled around the rim of her glass as she took another sip of the wine. “Yes, today gave me hope.”

Her choice of words concerned him and he reached over to take her hand. “Had you lost hope?”

The wine glass was set aside as she turned to face him. “You must admit, Joseph. Things have not been going well. I’d begun to fear she may never have a successful public appearance. So much is riding on her ability to learn quickly. Not only for Genovia, but…” Her eyes pled with his for understanding.

He reached across her front and set his glass on the table as well. The sound of her breath hitching at his nearness set the embers deep within his fire to blaze. He’d missed her so much. The desire to touch her overwhelmed him and he couldn’t resist. His hand cupped her cheek as his thumb gently caressed. “But for us as well.”

“Yes.” She whispered.

His thumb slid across her lips as her eyes closed in response. Dear God…how badly he needed her in his life.  “I think a celebration kiss is in order, don’t you? I saw a glimpse of my future queen today and am feeling very excited about the future she will bring to the children…to Genovia…to us.”

Her lips fused with his as her hand slid around his neck to pull him closer. And just like that…the pain of the past few days, the fear of her lack of answer about their future, his aggravation at life in general faded away into the background the moment her lips touched his.  Pulling her body closer to his, he let the other hand slide up down her arm and come to rest on her waist. As much as he’d like to explore, he wanted to kiss her more…wanted to drown in her affection. Drown in the woman—the essence—that was Clarisse.

His tongue slid across her lips and her mouth opened with a moan. Angling his head, he tasted, teased and suckled her bottom lip until they were both breathless. His forehead rested against hers as they fought to catch their breath. “I needed that.”

“Mmm, me too.” Clarisse’s hand cupped his cheek and pulled him into a gentler kiss. “Thank you for being with me tonight.”

 _I want to be with you every night…_ “Thank you for not getting angry at Amelia for inviting me.”

Her thumb returned the earlier gesture and slid across his well-kissed lips. “The moment she left, I had planned on doing the same. She just beat me to it.”

“Sometimes her impulsive nature pays off.” He smiled and moved away from her. They’d done well tonight. He had no desire to undo the pleasant evening. The level of intimacy wasn’t as much as he wanted, yet still more than he’d believed would happen.

“Let’s not tell her that, okay?” She smiled.

He leaned in to kiss her one more time and, feeling no resistance, moved his hand higher to graze the side of her breast. Another murmur or pleasure vibrated into the kiss and he breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn’t completely undone all of their progress with his recent actions. Knowing he needed to leave before he did cross some invisible border, he broke the kiss and smiled. “Okay.”

***

Clarisse watched as Joseph left her suite. The rise and fall of her chest along with the rapid beating of her heart indicated the lingering effects of his kiss. Her body responded to him as it never had another. She picked up her wine glass and sipped the remaining liquid.

Today had been good.

But it hadn’t…wouldn’t be enough.

Amelia needed her and she wouldn’t abandon her in her hour of need. She finally showed some real promise and it was her duty to her and to the people of Genovia to see this through. She gazed longingly at the door Joseph had stepped through just a short time ago.

The only question that remained: Would Joseph understand her “not yet” and be patient until she could exchange duty for love?

 

**June 18**

Joseph had been on his way to find Clarisse when he heard the soft melody coming from the ballroom. He turned toward the sound to find a breathtaking vision of Clarisse in pink. She danced with an invisible partner. Emotion surged through him at witnessing her in such a rare, unguarded moment. Entering the ballroom, his heart wide open, filled with hope and love for the woman who meant everything to him. He needed but one thing: To hear her utter the one word that would make him the happiest man alive.

Genovia was as good as possible with the Princess in residence. She’d secured a fiancée, received approval and support for her plans for a new orphanage and the wedding was only a few days away. It was time.

Time to ask for the answer to one simple question. He stepped into her arms in time with the music, the happiness on her face filling him with hope.

They moved on the dance floor and his heart threatened to burst through the confines of his chest as she laid her head on his shoulder. This was definitely the unguarded version of Clarisse. Middle of the day, public place, overt affection.

Finally, the music faded and he had to know. Desperately needed the answer he’d been waiting for his entire life. “Have you been thinking about us?”  

As quickly as the joy filled them, it deflated the moment her gazed locked with his. He’d looked into those breathtaking eyes enough times to know. He’d seen them light up with happiness and pleasure…seen the light extinguished from loss and pain. And the worst moments, the lifeless, empty way they’d resonated and burrowed into his soul when those men raped her.

Her gaze wasn’t that bad today, but sadness and guilt permeated every sapphire fleck. He had his answer.

Knew the answer was not the one his heart had begged for and, he admitted, desperately needed. Taking a step back, almost as if she had struck him, he vaguely heard her speaking but couldn’t process the words. He caught “responsibility”, “duty”, and “Amelia needs me…”

 _Dammit, I need you Clarisse._ Needed her more than life itself. Why couldn’t she understand that? Why couldn’t she allow herself to love him? After all they’d been through… _After everything…_

He should remind her of the promises she’d made to him during their many sessions, but instead he said all he could in four simple statements. "You were never just my queen, Clarisse. You were the someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But, if you prefer that I see you first and foremost as my queen... - I shall oblige." Turning, unable to be in her presence one moment longer and not either scream or cry, he left the ballroom as quickly and quietly as he’d entered. 

***

Again…

Again, my words failed me. Why can’t I find the right things to say to let Joseph know how much I love him? How I want to be with him. My answer wasn’t a no…more of a not yet. The music grated on her nerves and she moved quickly to silence the noise.

Her chest ached and she could feel the pressure rise with each ounce of fear filling her body. Her throat constricted, the pressure of Lester’s hands closing tighter and tighter until she could no longer breathe. The physical pain she’d endured under the cruel and torturous hands of Lester, Rich and Jason paled in comparison to the hole she alone had created in her heart. 

She stood, frozen in time, staring out the doors Joseph departed through leaving her all alone. The pain of their shared past and the absence of a shared future left her agitated, on edge and in need of time away from everyone and everything. As if to prove that wasn’t possible, she heard Charlotte’s voice calling to her from the top of the stairs. Something about Princess Mia and dinner. The insanity of it all bent her control too far and she lost it. Holding her hand up, she shouted. “No! I just want one second for myself.”

In the same moment, she regretted her harsh tone. Pleading eyes turned toward the woman—the daughter—the nurse who had come to mean so much to her over the years. Without saying too much, her eyes pled for understanding. Charlotte had always been able to read her, she prayed that she would hear all that she wasn’t saying. Some things were too painful to give voice. “Charlotte… I…I’m sorry. I’ll get something from the kitchen later.”

She had to fight back tears at the sympathetic look and understanding voice. “I understand, Your Majesty.”

They held each other’s gaze before she returned her attention to the exit…where he’d walked out on her…on their future. A moment later she sensed Charlotte’s presence next to her. She didn’t turn and look at her, but heard the care and concern and, most importantly, the understanding she’d promised.

“I know now is not the right time, but later…if you need me. Just ring my room.”

She nodded, unable to speak for fear she’d lose control again. She felt the pressure of Charlotte’s hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. Such a small gesture, but meant more to her in that moment than she could express.

A moment later…she was alone again.

****

Entering the bedchamber after Scott cleared her suite, Clarisse dismissed the maids for the evening. She intended to indulge herself in the emotions she’d managed to hold at bay all afternoon. Kicking off her shoes, she made one final call before giving into her heart’s desire to cry. Dialing the number, she waited.

“Hello?”

“Dr. Weston, I apologize for calling at such a late hour but this is the first moment of privacy I’ve been given.”

“It’s fine, Your Majesty. Is everything alright?”

No, everything was not alright. Nothing would be right again if she couldn’t find a way to fix this. “I’m calling to cancel our joint session for tomorrow. With the wedding and everything else…” her breath hitched.

“What happened, Clarisse? Did something more happen between you and Joseph?”

She inhaled and exhaled several times before finally mustering enough control of her emotions to speak. “Please consider our joint sessions on hold until further notice. I’ll contact you after the coronation if I feel any additional solo sessions are needed. Thank you for all you have done for the Crown and for me personally.”

Before he could say anything in response, she cut the connection and fell to the bed allowing the tears to come freely.  

She’d battled with herself all evening whether to go to him or not in an effort to make him understand…to throw her arms around him and tell him YES just like she had wanted to do in the gazebo the moment he’d asked her for forever. That’s what her heart wanted.

Her mind reminded her that Parliament wouldn’t approve, Amelia needed her, and the people of Genovia would never understand. All of those reasons didn’t matter every time she recalled the rich timbre of his voice as he shared his heart with her. “ _You were the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”_

Joseph was a complex man, not easy to know intimately but after a number of years of being with one another she knew in her heart and mind that he would never speak such words lightly. Dear Charlotte had tried to be of comfort, but even she was at a loss. Charlotte had embraced her and whispered her belief in the love they shared, and that love had conquered so much already. Charlotte was confident they’d work it out.

Clarisse had nodded and smiled for her benefit, but she knew… Knew the hurt in Joseph’s eyes. He was a proud man. He’d asked and she’d not answered yes—that was all he needed to know. Even though it was only half the story…

Hour after long hour throughout the night, she alternated between tears and fighting off the urge to just break down and call him. Eventually anger at the men responsible for loss of the one man she truly loved consumed her until she had nothing left to give. It was early morning before her sobs finally calmed.

Wanting to offer herself a small measure of comfort, she moved to a sitting position, resting against the headboard. She reached into the top drawer of her nightstand and pulled out a picture of her and Joseph that Philippe had taken the year before his accident at the beach house. 

Tracing her finger along the edge of his face in the picture, new tears clouded her vision. A candid shot of them sitting on the porch, engaged in conversation. To the untrained eye, you would see two friends sharing a laugh. But Philippe had smiled at her when he gave it to her and said, “You look happy, Mother. Perhaps happier than I’ve ever seen you.” He’d winked and given her a hug before walking away.

Turning she placed the picture on the bedside table next to the vase of shells he had given her. “No more hiding, my love.” _After the wedding, I’ll talk to him and keep the promises we made to one another._ Removing the wedding ring Rupert had given her, she wrapped it in the silk scarf she had been wearing earlier in the day and placed in the drawer, closing the chapter of one life and hopefully starting the first chapter to her new life very soon.      
   
**_Joseph’s suite…_**

As if hearing her say it wasn’t a nightmare in itself, those eyes… The eyes that sparkled like sapphires when happy, lost all their luster when in pain, the eyes that had looked into his soul and promised to love him… Those same eyes shattered his world and left it in pieces at his feet. He’d taken his leave before he could say anything he’d regret and put Scott in charge citing the need to do the last minute checks on the church and carriage route.

With nothing more to do, there were only a few words left to say. He knew it wasn’t duty alone that stood between them. No, she was hiding something about that weekend, something she wouldn’t trust him enough to share. She’d almost done it a couple of times, but backed out at the last minute. He’d promised her time, but that was a promise he could no longer keep, just as she hadn’t kept her promise to trust him not just with her life but with her heart as well.

He picked up his pen, found a piece of official letterhead on the top of his desk and wrote out his retirement letter. It was plain, simple and to the point.  He thanked her for the many years of enjoyable service to the crown and expressed his admiration and belief in Scott’s ability to provide the same level of protection to both the current and future queen of Genovia. Signing his name, he stuffed the letter into the envelope and sealed it.

Opening the bottom desk drawer, Joseph moved several things until he found his personal letterhead. Clarisse had given it to him as a gift one year for his birthday. Ironically, she was the only person to ever receive letters on it. The emotions that Joseph had been fighting to keep away broke free as he realized this would be the last letter he ever wrote to her. Picking up his pen he wrote the following words:

_My one true love,_

_Writing this letter to you is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I remember the first time I considered leaving and the look in your eyes, that look will haunt my dreams. After talking to you that day, I made you a promise… that I would never leave you unless you asked me to. Earlier today, in the ballroom when you rejected our love, was a clear message to me. You were asking me to leave._

_In my heart you will always be more than a sweet memory of the past or my great love that could never be. You are so much more than that. I may be walking away, but my heart is never letting you go.  You will always possess the power to fill the empty space in my soul._ _No one else in this world will ever hold a candle to you._

_I will always love the woman behind the crown. The woman you try so valiantly to hide: The sweet you, the sensitive you, the affectionate you. I will miss your eyes and the way you look at me through those fathomless depths of blue. I will miss your lips…the sweet words you say to me, the way they curl into a smile and, of course, the way those same lips feel against mine. I will miss your beautiful hands as they lift food to your mouth during our shared dinners, the way they fit perfectly into mine and, of course, the flames they fan in me every time you touch me._

_I will simply miss all of you._  
  
_I will always look back to the places we've been with that special joy in my heart. The time we spent together was the best moments of my life and I loved every minute of it and I will always cherish those moments forever._

_No matter where life takes us, remember you will always have someone who loves you, for it has always been and will always only be you, mi reina._

_Love Always,_

_Joseph_


	28. Ma'am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The situation continues to deteriorate as the wedding day draws near...

Chapter 28

With a heavy sigh, Joseph folded and sealed the envelope before turning it over to address both letters to her. Wiping the tears from his cheeks, he gathered both along with the key and made his way to her office, praying she hadn’t decided to bury herself in work. Slipping the key in the door, he realized he should’ve checked the cameras first. _Damn._

He moved quickly and quietly once inside the room. Though the area was dark, the small sliver of moonlight shining through the curtains along with the countless hours he’d spent in this room, allowed him to move without the aid of any additional lighting. With special care, he arranged the letters in his hands so that the one addressed to Her Majesty was on top. He placed them on the center of her desk before picking up the picture frame that contained a photo of Clarisse and her sons. The smile in that picture was one of pure joy. He would miss witnessing those rare moments, especially when he was part of the reason for her happiness.

The tears threatened yet again so he returned the picture to its designated spot and blinked rapidly. He had to get out here. Every minute he remained in her office was another minute closer to succumbing to a total breakdown.

Calling on the last of his famous self-control, he made his way to the door opening it just as Amelia was coming down the hallway. _Of all the people to bump into…_

Amelia spotted him and avoided bumping into him just in time. “Hey Joe.”

“I am so sorry Princess. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be out this late. You wouldn’t be sneaking out again would you?” _Dear God, don’t let her be sneaking out. I will hang every member of the security team by their toes in the courtyard if she is._

Mia twirled her hair and looked past him, adding an additional layer of worry onto his already troubled soul. “Of course not, Joe. I’m just trying to work off some nervous energy. I’m getting married in a couple days, remember.”

The sadness in her voice tore at his soul. He knew Clarisse had always done her duty, but the unhappiness that had caused her…was that something she truly wished on her granddaughter? “I know, Princess. You’re going to be make a beautiful bride and an amazing Queen. Of those two things, I have no doubt. You’ve made your grandmother and me very proud.”

“Thanks, Joe. I hope I don’t let either of you down. Speaking of Gramma, have you seen her?”

For a moment Clarisse’s face flashed his mind and threatened to shatter what little resolve he had remaining. “Not in the last several hours. Would you like me to check the camera for you?”

Amelia’s face morphed into concern as she studied his features. _Her grandmother has taught her well._ He prayed she didn’t see the dark circles, worry lines and haunted eyes he was trying diligently to protect her from. “No it’s fine. I’ll see her in the morning.”

Stepping closer, Amelia hugged him. “Thank you for always believing I could do this.”

Wiping a stray tear from the corner of his eye, he was thankful the hallway was poorly lit this time of night. “Our country is lucky to have you. You will make a wonderful Queen. Get some rest Princess, it’s almost the big day.”

“Goodnight, Joe.”

Amelia waited until Joseph rounded the corner before she turned and headed back toward her Gramma’s office.  _Joe was up to something and I want to find out what it is. He and Grandmother have been hiding things from me and, as the almost Queen, I don’t want to be on a need-to-know basis anymore. I need to know now._ Looking both ways, she confirmed no one was coming and tried the handle. Much to her surprise the door opened.  _Something really is bothering Joe if he didn’t lock Gramma’s door._ Stepping inside, she walked to the desk that in little over a week would be hers. The desk gleamed in the moonlight through the window. The only contents on the shiny surface were two envelopes.

Instantly, she recognized the bold strokes as Joe’s handwriting. A lump appeared in her throat, making it difficult to swallow. She could only think of one reason Joseph would be sneaking into her Grandmother’s office late at night and leaving her a letter…or two.

It was a split second decision, but she’d been making a lot of those lately. Unfortunately, most of them had ended up in disaster. But she knew in her heart of hearts, only pain would come from her grandmother seeing either of these letters. For once, she was going to try to protect her the way she’d been looking out for her since they met a little over five years ago. She hurried out of the office and up to her room. She needed to be ready _when_ her Prince Charming found a way for them to be together _._

_Later that_ _night_ _…_

After his encounter with Amelia, he was shaken but knew there was one more stop he had to make. One person who needed to know about the content of one of the letters he'd just left for Clarisse. He forced the tears back as he made his way to the private suite of his second in command. He hated to intrude, but dinner was over so now was as good of a time as any. Three solid raps on the door and he waited.

A few moments later, the door opened. "Boss, is everything alright?"

Joseph remained silent; he wasn’t going to have this discussion in the hallway. After another long moment, Shades stepped aside and motioned for him to enter.

_Joseph is here, in my suite, after hours. Add that to the little Charlotte has told me and this is not good._ "Please, have a seat."

Scott walked to the cabinet and retrieved two glasses and a bottle of scotch. He filled the glasses and resealed the bottle before placing it under his arm and carried it, along with the glasses, back to the seating area. Without a word, he lifted one of the glasses toward the older man who took it with a nod.

Joseph lifted the glass to his lips and took a small drink. He needed to be careful not to drown his sorrows too much. He was still head of security for the crown of Genovia and would not let personal misery affect his ability to do his job. He hadn’t let physical torture stop him, he sure as hell wouldn’t let emotional torture render him ineffective either.

A moment later, he noticed Charlotte sitting on the couch. Her tear-stained face told him the story. Clarisse had turned to Charlotte when she’d been upset. Or, God help him, had Charlotte witnessed the break-up herself? She had a knack for never being far from Clarisse and, after the weekend, they’d been closer than ever. Regardless of how she found out…

She knew.

He needed to have this conversation without her being there. "I'm sorry for the intrusion, but would you excuse us for a few minutes, Charlotte. Please?"

“Of course, I was just about to head out before you knocked.” She stood and thanked Scott for his hospitality before setting her sad eyes on Joseph. Walking around the coffee table, she pulled him into an embrace, whispering in his ear. "Don't give up on her…please." She stepped back and wished them both a good night before closing the door behind her.

"Everything alright, Boss? You look like hell."

Joseph collapsed onto the couch and took a long draw of the scotch. "That's because I feel like hell." Not wanting to share too much personal information, he turned toward the young man. "I need you to know that I'm leaving after the Princess is crowned. You'll be taking over. You're ready and I have complete faith in you."

Scott’s face registered surprise. "I appreciate the vote of confidence, I really do. But, this seems premature. You’ll be sticking around, right? I’ll operate as personal protection for the new queen while you provided security for the Dowager Queen. That was our plan, wasn’t it?”  Scott moved to sit on the edge of the chair, resting his elbows on his knee as he held the glass of amber in his hands. "You’re not leaving…leaving, are you?"

Joseph finished his drink and stood. He needed to move...too much pent up frustration and hurt to sit still for this conversation. "No one else knows this, but I left my resignation on the Queen's desk a few minutes ago. Once Amelia is crowned, I'm retiring."

He directed a pointed look at Scott. "I expect you'll keep that piece of information to yourself until it becomes public knowledge."

Scott had the decency to look abashed and fought the urge to sigh. "Of course." So much had happened tonight. First, Charlotte showed up in tears—never a good thing. Then the moment he thought the storm was calming, Joseph knocked on the door and delivered this hail storm. "Sir, if you are retiring then who will be the primary for the Queen...Lionel?"

Joseph shrugged. "That will be your call, son. You'll be in charge of personnel and will need to decide who to assign to the Dowager Queen." He knew Scott was baiting him, but he wasn’t going to have a heart-to-heart with him about the sad state of the relationship between he and Clarisse.

 "Surely, I can convince you to stay around to protect the queen."

Joseph shook his head, the sad look an ongoing feature on his face lately. "No, I'm afraid that's not possible. I just can't stay. I’m sorry."

Scott studied him for a long few minutes. They’d spent time together outside work, watching a game or having a drink, but never discussing feelings. And he certainly never initiated a conversation about Joseph’s relationship with the Queen. He knew it was there, but he would never give voice to the worst kept secret in the palace. “I'm not sure exactly what happened today, but I’m confident it's all been a misunderstanding. You can't really mean you'll be leaving the palace. This is your home."

After all they'd shared over the years, Joseph knew he owed Scott a better explanation. "Look, it's no secret to you that Clarisse and I are close, very close. It's been a difficult year for us, especially in light of everything that happened last October. We've been working hard to find our way back and I thought we were getting close, but she's chosen duty over love. I can't stay and play second fiddle to something I cannot even compete with. The Princess is going to be taking over in less than a week, but even then she can't let go." His gaze pierced the other man's trying to convey with his eyes what he couldn't voice out loud. Finally, he summarized the situation in as few words as possible. "She can't let go and I can't stay."

Scott moved to stand face-to-face with Joseph. "I suppose I’d always suspected, but after that weekend, I realized how deep the bond between the two of you ran. She’s just under a lot of pressure. Duty has been all she’s ever known, even from a little girl. Do you get that? She has not experienced one moment of personal freedom from the moment the ink dried on the marriage arrangement. Can you even imagine what that would be like?” He clamped his mouth shut, realizing he’d just been insubordinate.

Since Joseph didn’t fire him outright, he tried a different approach. “No disrespect intended, sir. She’s my Queen, I serve her and I care a great deal about the woman behind the crown as well.” He turned away and looked at a painting on the wall. “You’re not the only one willing to give your life for her, you know.”

Turning to look at his mentor and friend one more time, he added. “If you love her, and I believe with my whole heart you do, you’ll wait for her. She deserves it after all the sacrifice she’s endured for all of us.”

Joseph's resolve hardened at Scott's words. This young man didn't know the first thing about the relationship they shared, nor what Clarisse was like behind closed doors, nor of the secrets she kept from him. "If you're finished lecturing me, I'll take my leave. I just wanted you to start getting your house in order and be prepared to take over."

Joseph turned and walked toward the door, turning back for one moment. "Thank you for your friendship over the years and for all your hard work. I'll never be able to thank you enough for shooting those sons of bitches who hurt her. Thank you and take good care of our girls." With nothing more to say and certainly not wanting to hear anything more Scott had to say, he opened the door and left.

Sighing, Scott rubbed his face before looking longingly at his bed. He knew Joseph was hurting, he could understand that. If Charlotte ever left…

But, Joseph was being stubborn and living in denial if he thought either he or the Queen would survive long without the other. Gathering his jacket, he slipped it on before heading down the hall to Charlotte's room. They needed to come up with a plan to get them to talk again.

The walk to Charlotte’s suite was short since her room was only at the end of the hall. Knocking on the door repeatedly, Shades waited for her to answer, when the seconds turned to minutes he pulled out the key she had given him and entered the dimly lit room.

His heart melted a bit as he found her curled up in a ball on her sofa, sound asleep. Brushing his fingers lightly down her cheek, he was thankful the redness under her eyes had faded. He walked to the linen closet and found a blanket to drape over her. _We still have a week before he leaves so_ _Saturday_ _after the wedding we will formulate a plan for Operation: Unite Wolf and Eagle._  Leaning down he placed a kiss on her forehead, praying he never had to face the prospect a future without her in it. 

For now though, it was time to go to work. He was on security watch with Lionel tonight in the hub. This might be the longest day ever.

 ^^C/J^^

**June 19 – Day before the royal wedding is to take place**

Clarisse sat motionless, staring out the window into the darkness. Only one small light provided illumination and she was fine with that--it suited her mood. The tea that dear, sweet Charlotte had brought in sat cold next to her. The gesture had been very sweet, but it was the young woman's presence that kept her from going totally insane. They’d not spoken, but having her sitting next to her, staring out into the same darkness, somehow made Clarisse feel not so alone.

 

Her heart seized the moment she sensed his presence enter the room. She didn't even have to turn around to know it was him. They needed to talk, but truthfully, she had no idea what they would say to each other. So much had been said, and yet not nearly enough. Her inability to properly express herself of late made the decision for her. She would wait. Wait for him to set the tone of whatever this conversation would include.

 

The door to the library had been left ajar. Joseph could see her silhouette, sitting on the couch in front of the window—the same window he’d kissed her senseless in front of just last week. His lips tingled from the memory, but his heart continued pleading with him to think of anything but her.

 

Still, he knew today had been hard for her. A part of him was glad Charlotte was with her. Before, she would’ve cut herself off entirely from anyone and everyone. That weekend in October had changed that about her. _Something positive, I guess…_

Entering the room, he watched as Clarisse's body straightened, Without even seeing, he knew she was slipping her mask back into place.  He stood, quietly, waiting for her to acknowledge his presence.

 

 

When she made no effort to turn, he cleared his throat. "Ma'am, it's time for our scheduled briefing before the wedding tomorrow." The word wedding caught in his throat and he prayed that Clarisse didn't hear it.

 

She sighed. It really was impossible to have moments to herself to allow for extreme personal turmoil without a scheduled meeting or some other duty-bound requirement pulling her in every direction. She turned to Charlotte and clasped her hand. "Will you excuse us, please?"

"Of course. I'll be right outside if you need me, but I'll close the door on my way out."

Charlotte squeezed her hand, stood and left. The soft click of the door let Clarisse know she was alone with him. "You're welcome to join me on the couch, if you wish, to provide your report."

 

After not sleeping last night and then reporting to work with the princess' picture plastered all over the news this morning, his body was exhausted. But, not so exhausted that he could allow himself to be that close to her. "I think I'll stand, ma'am."

 

Her shoulders tensed at his continual use of the word ma'am. So it's going to be like that...fine. "As you wish. I have no fight left in me and certainly have no desire to argue with you. If you don't mind, I prefer to sit as exhaustion has claimed every muscle in my body. I haven't felt this poorly since... well in a long time. Are we at status ready for the ceremony and other activities tomorrow?"

 

Shifting on his feet, his knees disagreed vehemently with his choice to stand. Joseph focused on the lon, slender fingers playing with the fringe on the pillow—a nervous habit Clarisse had picked up since they started therapy. He focused on the fingers, because he couldn’t bear to see the heartache in her eyes.

 

"The team is ready. We reviewed protocols this morning and I assigned Shades to your detail. I will be with the Princess tomorrow since the security risk will be higher for her tomorrow. We do have a problem however... At the reception, you are to dance with the Prime Minister and then myself. How would you like to handle that?"

 

She hugged the pillow tighter and blinked back the tears. "I'm unsure. I suppose that depends on if you are still willing to dance with me."

 

There was a long silence as Joseph tossed the thought around. His heart was willing to risk the hurt for one more chance to hold her in his arms, but his mind was playing the movie reel of last night’s events through his mind. Unsure of what exactly Clarisse wanted, he placed the decision back on her. "If you require me as a dance partner then I shall perform my duty, ma'am."

 

Duty. That damned word guided everything apparently not only she did, but also Joseph. She was tired, so tired. And there would be no rest as Amelia was far from ready to go this solo. And she would be alone. That single thought threatened to destroy her more than anything else that had occurred in her life. Not loss of those she loved. Not loss of her control during the weekend in hell. For in none of those times had she ever been without Joseph. Her heart ached in her chest for the loss she was about to experience, but there was no choice. She couldn't move forward and he would no longer wait. "Then it's settled. We'll dance." If he wouldn't make the decision, she'd make it for both of them--just as she'd always done... "Since we're on the subject of duty, perhaps you can explain to me why those on duty last night failed in such a marvelous way and, as head of security, how you plan to rectify that?"

 

Joseph let a small breath escape as Clarisse changed the subject back to work. "After seeing the morning news, I went straight to the security hub and asked that very question. Apparently, Shades knew where the Princess was the entire time. He watched her on the security feed throughout the night. Since the Princess was still on the palace grounds, she was not required to have a guard present as long as they had eyes on her. It is unfortunate, however, he failed to notice the photographer in the boat this morning.

 

If you are looking for someone to blame then look no further than right here. I'm the one responsible for my men and they were only following the protocols I put in place."

 

Clarisse couldn't help herself, all of the misery of the past couple days bubbled to the surface. She turned and cast unbelieving eyes on Joseph. "So your men KNEW that Amelia was with Nicholas and it never once crossed his mind that this was a public relations nightmare?!! Honestly, Joseph I understand she might not have been in physical danger, but can you tell me, in all truthfulness, that your men didn't think it might be relevant to report that not so minor detail to you PRIOR to the morning fiasco? I've mentioned on at least two occasions that part of protecting the Princess meant keeping her away from Sir Nicholas. I..." It didn't matter. What was done was done. She turned to face the window and let her head fall back on the pillows along the top edge of the couch. "Perhaps we should look at rewriting some of those security protocols."

 

Joseph didn't want to fight but he had to stand up for his men and Amelia. "Perhaps they should be revised, but Shades saw no difference in letting Mia be out with Nicolas then he did when you and I would take a morning ride or walk before the King woke. Starting tomorrow, Mia will be married to her duty so perhaps last night wasn't quite as bad as the media made it to be. Surely her grandmother can relate and find understanding in that detail."

 

The tears would no longer be held at bay and quietly slipped from her tightly closed lids. "She understands how easy it is for duty to keep us from those we love." She couldn't talk to him anymore—not about this. She was going to completely lose it. She had to hold it together. "Is there anything else you need to report on?"

 

Though he could only see her face in profile, but it was enough. Even if he hadn’t been able to see, he heard the tearful pain in her voice. He couldn't help but wipe the moisture from the corner of his own eyes. "Nothing else, ma'am. Would you like me to walk you to your suite?"

 

She choked back a sob at the word ma'am - she hated that word slipping from his lips almost as much as she hated the word duty. "No, that won't be necessary. Thank you for offering, though. Please ask Charlotte to come back in when you leave."

 

"As you wish. I'll post Lionel at the end of the hallway and he will escort you when you are ready." Walking to the door, he paused and gave her one last look before exiting the room. Charlotte remained true to her word and stood just outside the door. "She wishes your presence." If the sadness reflected in Charlotte's eyes as she looked up at him were any indication of that reflected in Clarisse's, Joseph was grateful they never made eye contact as the pain would have killed him.


	29. Let The Healing Begin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarisse and Joseph find their way back to each other, but there is much healing to be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note this chapter contains adult material, references to torture, and a great deal of angst. Yet within the midst of the angst, we begin to see a glimmer of hope.
> 
> Please read responsibly.

**June 20- Wedding Day**

Joseph was confident he hadn’t slept more than a few minutes at a time. His head hurt and his heart ached along with every muscle in his body. A walk in the gardens should help clear his head. The cool morning air invigorated him and he walked at a fast clip, not even knowing what direction or where his final destination would be.

He stopped cold in his tracks at the sight of her playing with Maurice. _So beautiful. How am I ever going to live without her?_ Scott’s reprimand had played over and over in his mind last night. Had he pushed her too hard? Had he failed, once again, to let her adequately explain her position? His eyes drank in the sight of her and the pain knifed through his body. As though she could sense his eyes on her, she stopped her movement and stood very still.

He prayed she would turn around and look at him. Even from this distance, he knew they could communicate with nothing more than their eyes. Words had failed them repeatedly of late, but when he looked into her eyes or she into his, they knew. _Which is how I know she’s hiding something about her time with Jason from me._ The thought of her being tortured punched him in the gut. He’d witnessed so much cruelty, he couldn’t fathom what more they could’ve done to her to elicit such a fearful reaction. _You don’t want to think about that._

He waited several more moments, but when she didn’t look at him, he knew he needed to take his leave. He sighed at the voice inside of his head repeating Charlotte’s words over and over, _Don’t give up on her_. Gripping the balustrade of the balcony to keep his knees from buckling, he kept asking himself the same question:  “ _How can I possibly stay now?”_ The same smile that warmed my heart is tearing my soul apart.

Turning away from her, he prayed he could find strength to get through today and the next week. He headed back to the security hub to review the security protocol he knew by heart one last time. Seeing her every day and knowing they had no future might just kill him.

*C&J*

Clarisse found Amelia gasping for air as she hid on the patio behind some trees that provided shelter from the public’s glaring eye and curiosity. “Oh my dear, Mia.”

Hearing her grandmother’s voice, she stood up quickly. “Grandma, I’m so sorry…I’m sorry…I just need a minute to…”

Clarisse interrupted her. “No.”

“I can do this!”

“No!”

“I can’t do this…”

“I know.”

Joseph had been his customary two steps behind Clarisse when she went in search of Amelia. Taking his post just to the right of the patio entrance, he was close enough to hear their conversation but far enough away to give them at least the illusion of privacy.  At the question sounding in his ear, he touched his earpiece. “I’m with the Eagle and Sparrow now.”

Clarisse reached out and touched Amelia gently. “Darling, listen to me. I made my choice…duty to my country, over love. It’s what I’ve always done it seems. It’s been drummed into me my whole life. Now I’ve lost the only man I ever really loved.”

The words were but a mere whisper over the noise of the crowd and Joseph couldn’t believe what he heard. _She’s using our relationship as a learning tool for the Princess?  Lost the only man she ever really loved…_  Why couldn't she have said that in the ballroom, instead of spewing duty to him? Something--anything but damned duty.

Shifting on his feet, sadness soaked through his skin drenching his heart in pain the moment Clarisse’s gaze fell on him. Brief, yet enough. “Mia, I want you to make your choices as a woman. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Make your own mistakes. There’ll be plenty of them, believe me….whatever choice you make, let it come from your heart.”

*C&J*

Pride surged through Joseph lifting his spirit and his chest in one  triumphant moment. Amelia had just won her first victory with Parliament by securing a vote that would abolish the three hundred year old marriage law.  A law that would allow her to find true love, in her own time and on her own terms. What a beautiful gift she had just given herself.

He remained focused on Amelia, his mind swirling with a million thoughts—the majority of which centered on Clarisse. So caught up in his own internal ramblings, he was caught off guard when he heard Clarisse speak his name. And not in a professional manner. No, this was more of the tone she used when it was just the two of them. “Joseph… am I too late to ask for your hand in marriage?”

What?

His ears were definitely hearing things now. Maybe he was so caught up in his dreams of her that he imagined she proposed. Blinking a couple times to make sure this was real, he saw her face—her beautiful face watching him. Hopeful and expectant. Regardless of what transpired the past few days, weeks or months, this was what he’d been wanting.

Wasn’t it?

He offered her a small smile, still not one hundred percent that this wasn’t an elaborate dream. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Yes, that was good. If this was a dream, she’d smack him across the face and say she didn’t. Then he’d be back in the present. When nothing happened other than her smile widening, he removed his top hat, earpiece and handed them to Shades before extending his arm to her. He’d muttered something about Lionel, but after defending those two for the final time last night, they could figure it out.

The next minute or so passed by in a blur. He still couldn’t believe he was standing here—with her—doing this. Less than twenty-four hours ago, his world had fallen apart. And, the sad part was, other than Clarisse apparently having a change of heart about making their relationship public… nothing between them had changed. 

Just get through the motions. He slipped the ring on Clarisse’s finger. “With this ring, I thee… finally… wed.” And just like that, he was a married man.

“You may kiss your bride.”

Kiss her? In front of all these people? He had no idea what to do now. His emotions swirled as Clarisse leaned into him. The kiss was a mere brushing of lips, but it held the promise that maybe everything could be worked out.

Maybe…

They turned and smiled for their friends, family and colleagues before making the return trip down the aisle. Clarisse was holding it together for the audience, but inside, her nerves were twisting her insides into a painful mass. The arch bishop led them into his office. “This should give you a few moments of privacy before the media circus begins. Take as long as you need. I’ll send Charlotte in should the crowd grow too restless.”

Joseph nodded. “Thank you.”

With another warm smile, the Arch Bishop closed the door and left them alone. As soon as the door clicked shut, the smile on her new husband’s face faded, replaced by the familiar tortured expression she’d seen on and off for the past few months. “Why?”

The pain in his voice cut through any veil of happiness she’d been able to sew together in the past few minutes. Her eyes closed as she answered. “The thought of living without you was too much to bear.”

Fear lodged in her throat making it difficult to speak, but she had to know. “Why did you say yes?”

When silence was the only answer, she opened her eyes and found all she needed to know written clearly on his face. She saved him from answering. “To protect me from embarrassment. You were simply doing your job protecting the Crown’s emotions.” The tears threatened, but there was no time for such a shameless display of her humanity.

Joseph stepped closer, wanting to comfort her…needing to explain. His hand slid to her cheek. “Only in part. I’ve always wanted to be with you, Clarisse…you know that. But there are things we need to resolve before we can truly be a couple.  We can’t start our lives together with secrets between us…especially not secrets that can threaten our future happiness.”

Blue eyes shimmered with unshed tears. “Tonight, please.  Not now. Can you stand by me the next few hours and then we can sort this out?”

His lips brushed hers, the warmth sending a calming blanket over her jagged nerves. “I’m so sorry…” she whispered against his mouth. “So sorry…”

A light knock on the door forced them apart. They both drew in deep breaths and plastered smiles on their faces. It was going to be a long day…

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to interrupt but the crowd is growing restless. I also wanted to let you that Scott has the limo on standby should you prefer the car over the open carriage."

Clarisse exchanged looks with Joseph silently asking for them to take the carriage. His slight nod was all the approval she needed. "Thank you, dear. Joseph and I will be taking the carriage over to the palace for the reception. Please have the carriage waiting as we will only pause briefly for the press outside."

Charlotte nodded and closed the door. Clarisse turned to Joseph and extended her hand. “I promise…tonight we’ll talk.”

^^C/J^^

Princess Mia had escaped the media by leaving the church via the back door. Originally, that had been the plan for her grandmother, but it appeared that, for at least today, they’d changed roles. Once she’d arrived back at the palace, her ladies’ maids were waiting in the foyer to assist with the removal of her wedding gown. "Briget and Brigetta, I need to make a stop before returning to my suite but please hurry and find me a navy blue or at least a dark color—not black, gown to wear to the reception. I'll meet you there in a few."

Waiting in the foyer to ensure they would not follow her, Amelia turned, gathered the length of her gown and headed for the Queen's office only to be surprised when she found Charlotte standing inside. "Charlotte? How did you get back so soon?"

"After I saw the newlyweds out the front door of the church, I departed through the rear. I only stopped in here to switch out guest list since not everyone from the wedding will be at the reception."

Amelia walked over to a hidden panel in the wall behind her grandmother's desk. Depressing the secret knob, the lock clicked open and she retrieved the two envelopes she’d taken the night Joseph left them on the desk. Moving quickly to her own desk, she retrieved a blank envelope and stuffed both of the others inside. She turned to Charlotte. "May I ask a favor of you?"

"Anything, Princess."

This was another reason to love Charlotte. She didn’t ask questions. Or, maybe she already knew what they were. Either way, Amelia was glad for her discretion. "I need to give this to someone tonight, but clearly I can't arrive holding paper in my hand."

Charlotte bridged the distance between them and took the envelope from her before clamping it to the clipboard she held in her hand. "I'd be more than happy to hold on to them until you find a time to deliver them back to their rightful owner."

Amelia's browns furrowed "You know?"

"I recognize the handwriting. I can only assume the contents."

Just like Charlotte, she knows more than she’s telling. Her discretion, though, had been part of the reason her Grandmother trusted her with so much. "This has to stay between us."

"Of course, Princess. No good would be served by her ever knowing. Especially now that they’re married."

Gathering her dress to leave, Amelia stopped just inside the door. "Charlotte, I know you call grandma by her given name when you two are alone. Would you do the same for me?"

Smiling, Charlotte couldn't help but think of how much the young woman reminded her of the queen. "As you wish, Amelia."

Mia’s head shook. “It’s Mia, just Mia.”

Charlotte nodded. “As you wish…Mia.”

^^C&J^^

Amelia stood between Charlotte and Shelia Motaz. Everyone in the room watched as Joseph led Clarisse gracefully around the dance floor for the first time as husband and wife. She caught Charlotte brushing a stray tear from her face. "The look so happy together, don’t they?"

"I'm sure they will be happy, Princess." Pulling the envelope from under her papers, Charlotte handed it to Amelia. "When the song is over the Prime Minister will dance with your grandmother so that is the perfect opportunity for you to dance with Joe."

Taking the letter, Mia followed the Prime Minister onto the dance floor. He moved to the left to extend his hand to Clarisse, while Mia accepted Joe’s hand. With the other, she slipped the envelope into his inside jacket pocket. "I thought you might want these back."

His face registered surprise, but the music—the beginning chords of “The Wango”, filled the room. Mia stepped into the dancer’s pose with him and began to follow his lead. She smiled. "Do you remember the first time we danced to this? I think I almost broke your ribs."

Joseph smiled as he listened half-heartedly to Mia ramble on about what, he wasn't entirely sure. The moment the music started, his thoughts had returned to that fateful day in San Francisco. Not on his dance with Mia, but the dance he and Clarisse had shared. Back when their relationship was still so new. Long before things got complicated. Long before, he’d failed her and sent them spiraling down into the situation they now found themselves. Married, but not really.

He realized that Amelia had stopped dancing. Her smile was more of a smirk now. "Are you already planning a way to get Gramma alone without sitting through this whole affair?"

Forcing the smile back on his face, he winked. "Not exactly but close. Speaking of your grandmother." He turned around to find the dance floor full of people, but for the first he could remember…he had no idea where Clarisse was. His heart started pounding and the adrenalin surged.

Before full-blown panic set in, Mia looped her arm through his. "C’mon, I'll take you back to your bride."

Taking a few steps, Joe stopped and turned to face Mia. Patting the jacket pocket that now contained the letters he wrote to break the connection between he and Clarisse, he offered sincerely. "I don't know how you knew, but thank you."

Throwing her arms around his neck, Mia hugged him "No thanks are needed. I can't have my new grandpa getting into trouble on the first day of marriage now can I?"

He returned her embrace. "You may be crowned queen next week, but you will always be my Princess."

^^C/J^^

Six hours later, Clarisse found herself back within the protection of the palace walls. Charlotte had promised to keep Princess Mia occupied and, they hoped, keep her from asking too many questions. They’d said their good byes and, with Joseph’s hand still in hers, made their way toward her suite. With each step her heart grew heavier. The past few hours had been trying for both of them…the endless smiling, the required kisses, even the dancing proved difficult tonight as they both knew her secret remained wedged solidly between them. 

The moment the door closed, Joseph released her hand. The loss was immediate and a chill spread through her body. She watched silently as he removed his outer layers and tie until he’d reduced his wardrobe to the trademark black slacks and shirt. A few buttons were loosened before he moved to the area where the liquor was kept and retrieved a glass and some scotch.  “Would you care for something to drink? There’s champagne, but I feel it’s a little early to celebrate.”

His voice sounded tired, perhaps even defeated. Her heart both swelled and broke knowing she alone was responsible for his pain at the moment. “Some scotch, please. If you’re willing to share…”

Joseph poured the drinks and turned, extending the glass. “I’m not the one who’s unwilling to share, Clarisse. I’ve given you everything…my past, my present, my secrets and now…my future.”

She stepped further into the room and removed her jacket before taking the proffered glass. She sat on the couch and slowly sipped the amber liquid. “Will you promise to not push me to share this with Dr. Weston? I know he means well, but I never want to speak the horrors of that night out loud again. If I do this for you…for us…now, you must promise me you’ll support me in keeping the details only between us.”

Joseph sat on the couch, a lone cushion separating them. “You have my word.”

With painful courage, Clarisse began. “When they separated us, I was taken to the room where they’d been staying during our captivity. Forced to my knees, I was required to…” Heat crept up her face and forced her eyes to close from the humiliation. 

Joseph moved a little closer and interjected. ‘I understand, you don’t have to say it.”

She swallowed hard and allowed her mind to open the door she’d kept securely locked since the night of her rescue. “I was terrified Jason would… the thought of him… in my mouth… Anyway, I made a choice. I fought back. I pushed him away from me just as he was finishing. He fell to the ground and he got so angry. I’d never seen anyone that angry and he unleashed the full range of his rage against me”

Joseph’s hands clenched, but he kept quiet in an effort to let her tell the story she’d been protecting for months…the story that almost tore them apart. “His hands were on my throat before I could react and I could see the anger, perhaps even hatred in his eyes. Right before I blacked out, he released his hold and threw me on to the bed.”

The tears fell freely now and the horror threatened to seize her. Only Joseph’s hand in hers and the whispered words of reassurance kept her from totally losing it. “I was secured to the bar they mentioned in the beginning, in a very compromising position, completely vulnerable…completely out of control.” At her confession, she turned to Joseph to share with him the fear from that moment in time. “Jason used my vulnerable position and demonstrated to his father he was better at…” She swallowed hard. Guilt, shame, horror all vying for attention in her brain. “Better at pleasing a woman than Rich had been.”

Joseph’s eyes closed as memories of Rich’s assault on Clarisse washed over him. Thoughts of Jason being given the same access Rich had, turned the small amount of food he’d consumed at the reception into a heavy stone in the center of his stomach. He glanced at Clarisse and knew from the tormented look in her eyes, the worst was yet to come. He squeezed her hand tightly in reassurance. 

She stared off into space, the nightmare claiming her once again. “Each time my body would begin its final act of betrayal by succumbing to biological instinct, Jason would move away and… oh god…” Tears rolled down her cheeks and she damned her lack of control yet again.

He couldn’t fathom what Jason had done. “Clarisse, please tell me.” He wiped her cheek with the back of his hand. “Let me help you through this.”

She spoke the next two words in a low whisper edged with fear, horror, and pain. “Riding crop…”

In a flash, he put the pieces together. That bastard had beat her with a riding crop. The marks on his inner thighs burned as he remembered blow after blow landing on his body. As he considered Clarisse’s smooth, delicate skin…her admission of Jason’s activities along with her vulnerable position…the memories of her screams piercing the night, he understood why she wanted to forget…needed to forget.

_That explains her violent reaction when your hand slid between her legs. She was afraid you would feel the marks…_

He pulled her close into his embrace and held her tightly. Kissing her forehead and wiping her tears, he whispered. “Shhh, it’s alright. It’s over. That bastard will never hurt you again. Thank you for telling me, my love.” He repeated the mantra over and over again, willing her to hear.

He felt her tears soaking his shirt and did nothing to stop them. She needed to let everything out. For his part, he imagined a thousand ways he would’ve made those three men pay if Shades hadn’t already killed them, anger alone keeping his tears at bay.

Whether it was minutes or hours later, he didn’t know, but he sensed Clarisse give in to exhaustion. Her ragged breathing evened out and her fisted hand in his shirt eased and rested against his rapidly beating heart. He would let her sleep for a while, but wanted to put his bride to bed so she could rest.

After an hour of holding her, he adjusted her slightly so he could stand. Scooping her into his arms, he walked carefully to her bedroom. Lowering her to the bed, he made sure he had access to unzip her dress. He’d leave her undergarments on, but he couldn’t in good conscious let her sleep in her clothes. He was her husband now after all. 

With special care, he lowered the dress off her body and unsnapped the garter to remove her hosiery. As he moved her leg slightly to assist his efforts, he saw the evidence of Jason’s brutality. Marks matching his, but still tinted with color and far more in number…more than he cared to count. This time not even his anger could assuage the tears spilling out of his lids and onto her bare thighs. Grief, pain, remorse over the hell she endured consumed him. 

“Joseph…?” Clarisse’s mind fought to escape from sleep as her heart sensed Joseph’s pain. Her eyes opened and she immediately recognized her state of undress. Her gaze flitted to Joseph and followed his focus to her scars. Instinct demanded she move away and cover herself, but the anguished look on his face along with the gentle touch of his hand on her leg held her body in place. Her hand reached out to cup his cheek causing him to lift his gaze to hers. 

“So sorry, my love… So much pain…” The anguished whisper tore into her heart.

It had been painful…the most pain she’d ever endured until she considered the night she thought she might lose Joseph forever. “It’s all behind us now.”

He shook his head. “No, I want to see…all the scars…need to see them, touch them, do whatever possible to help them heal.”

She reached down and took his hand, pushing the sleeves back until his scarred wrists came into view. They truly needed the healing to start and she knew that couldn’t happen until they completely faced the pain of the past. Forcing her body to cooperate, she moved until she could reach the buttons on his shirt and slowly began to undo them. “Together,” she whispered.

Joseph’s eyes closed as she undressed him. He remembered the last time she’d performed the task and his heart broke yet again from the loss of innocence that weekend cost them. The thudding of his heart doubled when her hand slid over his chest. Most of the colorations mottling his skin had disappeared but the scars from the gashes the implements Rich used on him remained. 

Clarisse swallowed hard as she witnessed the scarring on his chest and abdomen. Hot tears ran down her cheek. She hadn’t seen Rich taking his anger out on Joseph’s body as she’d been in hell with Jason at that time. Remembering Jason’s cruel use of the whip on Joseph, she whispered. “Turn over.”

He rolled to the other side to give her the rare look at the white scars crisscrossing his back. Her gasp ignited shards of pain throughout his body. How could she ever love or want someone as damaged as him? The soft caress of her fingertips soothed over the imperfections. “I can still hear the whip falling across your back in my nightmares. You were so brave and I know you were staying quiet for me.”

His tears continued to fall. She was right, he’d endured a severe beating, never uttering a word to allow her to disconnect from the violations being done to her body right in front of him. He’d failed her in that regard the day before and had promised her he would not make the mistake again.

He rolled toward her. “I would have endured a thousand beatings if it would’ve kept them away from you.” His eyes drifted lower to the white scar on her front. “My turn.”

She closed her eyes as his fingers once again traced the scar on the front of her body. “I thought he was going to kill you right in the beginning.  You were only a few feet in front of me, yet I couldn’t get to you. When I saw the knife so close to your heart…and the blood.”

Clarisse licked her lips and searched for courage to be completely honest with Joseph. “I have no doubts that he would’ve killed me…after he’d finished playing his game with me. There were a few times that weekend fleeting thoughts…wishing I was dead…crossed my mind.”

His hand cupped her cheek, “You must never wish such a thing. Your life, your smile, your eyes, the world would miss you.” He ran a thumb across her wet cheek. “I would miss you.”

Her eyes closed at his confession and he leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “Turn over, let me see your back.”

She nodded and turned away from him, breathing in and out slowly to keep her anxiety at bay. “Mine aren’t as deep as yours.”

Her breath held as his fingers returned the caress across her back. “How did I miss these the night of Amelia’s birthday party? Your back appeared flawless.”

“Concealer and the beauty of makeup. Charlotte was a dear and assisted me. I…I needed to feel beautiful and normal.”

His hand on her shoulder returned her to the original position and their gazes locked on one another. “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, both on the inside and out. No scars are ever going to change the way I see you or feel about you.”

“Thank you. I’m so sorry I kept the truth from you. I wanted to tell you…”

“How far up do the marks go? May I see?”

At his request, her eyes widened and the fear crept into the blue, darkening the irises until they were almost black. “Joseph, please. I can barely stand for Dr. Weston to see or touch them. He has to make it an order and pull rank just as you do from time to time.”

He pulled her into his arms again, trying not to think about how little clothing she now wore. He’d upset his bride on their wedding night. “Shh, alright. We’ll save that for another time. Do they still hurt?”

She quieted again and whispered, “Only sometimes and only the ones higher on my thigh. The…damage there was more extensive.”

Joseph cursed the men yet again and wished he’d been able to save her from the worst of the nightmare. “We’ll take this one day at a time, Clarisse. I love you. No scars will ever change that.”

She saw the truth of his statements in his eyes and loved him even more than she thought possible. She cupped his cheek. “Will you stay with me tonight? I’m not ready for…” Her face heated as she realized what she was asking of him. She shook her head. “Never mind, I’m sorry.”

Leaning closer, he kissed her forehead. “I was afraid you would send me away. Of course, I’ll stay. As for the other things married couples do, as I said we’ll take that one step at a time.”

Clarisse lifted her head and kissed him gently. Perhaps tonight she could sleep without the nightmares invading her dreams….

Perhaps…


	30. New Firsts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, our couple makes a little progress...and creates a few new firsts for themselves.
> 
> Warning: This chapter contains adult material of a consensual nature between two adults. Please read responsibly.

Chapter 30: New Firsts

**June 21**

Joseph awoke as the first slivers of daylight filtered in through the small opening in the curtains. A pleasant warmth heated the other side of the bed and he thanked God they’d made it through the night with no nightmares.

His eyes raked over the form of his beautiful wife. During the night, they’d kicked the covers off and the long lines of her body called to him. She was asleep on her stomach and he absently wondered if she’d always been a stomach sleeper or if that had come about while recovering from the wounds on her back. He didn’t want to disturb her, but the need to touch her nearly overwhelmed him. He needed to reassure himself this was real.

The tremors in his hand spoke volumes of his nervousness as he grazed his fingertips along the exposed skin of her back. The ivory gown she’d changed into reminded him of the one she’d worn the night of the birthday ball. Having seen the scars now on her thighs, he realized that was what triggered the violent reaction. She’d been afraid he would feel the scars and demand answers. His fingers slid over the silk and he flattened his hand as it caressed the roundness of her hips.

“Mmmm….Joseph…”

A quick check revealed she was still asleep, but her throaty and uninhibited response sent an arrow of arousal straight to his groin. He needed to get out of bed or his action could traumatize her all over again.   


Caffeine. That’s what he needed. He leaned over and placed a gentle kiss between her shoulder blades and then slid out of bed to order his coffee and her tea. There might have been a wedding last night, but there was work to be done in the palace today—a new era and queen would be ushered in soon…less than seven days.

Besides, spending the day with Clarisse in bed…well, that would lead to nothing but trouble. He simply wasn’t that strong.

**

Clarisse had been having the most pleasant of dreams. Joseph’s gentle touch on her back sending pleasant tingles of sensation throughout her body and then his large hand sliding over her bottom centering the pleasure and causing a slow moan to slip unbidden from her lips. She’d wanted the dream to continue, but a small kiss on her back lifted her mind into awareness and Joseph leaving the bed landed her right back into reality.

 _Not much of a wedding night…perhaps the world’s worst, if the truth be told._ She knew he was respecting her wishes and she appreciated his consideration. Part of her wanted nothing more than to welcome him into her arms _and my body._ The other knew attempting something like that before she was certain she was ready could prove disastrous.

Sighing, she slid from bed and headed to the shower. There was work to be done, might as well get started.

**

Joseph had just hung up from ordering breakfast and settled in with the morning paper. The thought of the two envelopes burning a hole in his jacket pocket made it hard to focus. The phone rang and, without thought, he picked it up. “Speak.” Old habits die hard.

“Joseph?”

The male voice on the other end of the line quickly brought Joseph back into focus. “Pierre, Your Highness, I apologize. I thought the kitchen staff was calling back for clarification on the breakfast order.”

Pierre’s chuckle came through before his voice. “Joe, no one still calls me that and as my mother’s new husband, I certainly don’t want nor expect you to refer to me by any title. You aren’t still calling Mother, Your Majesty, are you?”

Joseph blushed at the young man’s teasing. “No, Pierre, not in private anyway.” He paused for a moment. “News must travel fast. I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to call you yet.”

“Charlotte called last night. News has not yet hit the papers.”

“Nevertheless, your Mother or I should have called. I’m sorry.”

“Joe, I wasn’t looking for an apology, simply to congratulate you both. I’m assuming this was a last minute decision?” His words weren’t accusatory, more curious.

Joseph sighed. How could he explain without explaining? “The relationship between your mother and I has been…complicated, as I’m sure you can appreciate.”

“Forbidden love, hidden in the shadows. While I may not have experienced such a situation myself, I understand enough about the monarchy and people’s expectations to know it couldn’t have been easy.”

His eyes closed…that alone would have been easy to deal with. Their weekend in hell…not as much. Still, close enough to the truth to be believable. “Yes, and your mother would never shirk on the duty to her country or her people.”

There was a long pause. Joseph couldn’t be sure what direction the young man’s thoughts were headed. He’d be patient and wait. Finally, after several long moments, Pierre spoke. “Joe, I sensed something was wrong with Mother during my visit at Christmas time. Is she well?”

Flashes of the scars on Clarisse’s body and those that ran even deeper than the eye could see panned through his memory on a continual loop. He shuddered as he considered the most recent scars he’d witnessed…those she still wouldn’t allow him to touch. “This last year has been difficult on her emotionally, but if you’re asking if she’s sick or her health is in serious jeopardy, the answer is no.”

A sigh of relief was heard. “Thank you, Joe. You know how private mother can be. I appreciate your breaking the confidence enough to share that with me. I don’t suppose you’d elaborate on the emotional difficulties you alluded to?”

Joseph rubbed his hand over his face. Even if he wanted to share, they’d agreed no one else would ever find out. “That’s not my story to tell. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Your devotion and loyalty to Mother has been a comfort to me when I’m away. I always knew she was in good hands and that you’d never let anything happen to her.”

Pierre’s words cut deep into Joseph’s heart. Though unintended, they’d opened the wounds wide open again. He answered the only way he could and still be truthful. “I would do anything to keep her alive and safe, including give my own life, if needed.” _Or staying alive so she wouldn’t be alone…or violating her beautiful body to keep others away from her…_

“I’m glad you two are together now. She deserves to be happy and you, my friend, have always given her happiness and joy. Thank you for that.”

Tears threatened and Joseph knew he needed to end the call before be broke down. Damn, if he wasn’t turning into a sentimental old man. “It has been my pleasure to serve the Renaldi family and my honor to be the recipient of your Mother’s love.”

“Speaking of Mother, is she around? I’d like to congratulate her as well.”

“She’s in the shower, I believe. Can she call you once she surfaces?”

Pierre laughed. “I’ll expect her call later today. As I recall, it takes her a minute or two to get ready and with the coronation near, her mind will be focused on her work. Although, being newly married, her attention may be divided. Either way, whenever she has a moment to call, it will be appreciated.”

“Can we expect you for the coronation?” Joseph knew Clarisse would love to see her son, even if it was a brief visit.

“I’m working on getting my responsibilities delegated for a couple of days so I can be there. I won’t be able to stay long, but hopefully enough to celebrate with Genovia and their new queen and take my mother and her new husband out for dinner.”

“Thank you, Your Highness. It will mean a lot to your mother.”

“Pierre. Please, call me Pierre.”

Joseph smiled. It had taken him years to call Clarisse by her given name, even in private. “I will try. Again, our apologies for not calling you ourselves. I’ll be sure to thank Charlotte for seeing to that detail.”

“Charlotte is a dear. Genovia is lucky to have her.”

Joseph thought of the hours Charlotte had managed the day to day affairs of Genovia while selflessly caring for Clarisse night after sleepless night. “Your mother and I are lucky to have her as well.”

“Give both of them a hug for me, will you?”

“I will, but you can give them one yourself soon.” Joseph hoped his words prompted the young man to do whatever necessary to be at the coronation. It would bring much joy to his new bride and that was definitely on his to-do list these days.

“Deal. Have a great day and kiss mother for me.”

“That I will be happy to do.”

Pierre’s laughter filled Joseph’s ear. “I’m certain that you are.”

**

A few minutes later, Clarisse appeared just as breakfast was being delivered. Joseph greeted her at the door from her bedroom with a gentle kiss on each cheek. “Those are from Pierre…” His lips came to rest on her full mouth as his arms surrounded her and pulled her close. Faintly, he tasted the fresh mint from her toothpaste and a clearer taste of the gloss she’d probably recently applied. He broke the kiss and whispered. “And that is from me. Are you hungry? Breakfast was just delivered.”

“Pierre called?” She blinked rapidly before following him into the main area and sat at the table, her lips still tingling slightly from Joseph’s kiss.

“Yes, to congratulate us on our marriage. Charlotte called him last night apparently. He asked that you call him when you have a moment today.”

She nodded and began to eat. “Thank you for ordering breakfast. You didn’t have to do that.”

His fingertips caressed her jaw and the small smile warmed her heart. “It’s my pleasure to take care of you.” He paused for a moment before adding, “You are even more beautiful as you sleep. I apologize if I took liberties I should not have this morning. I found I couldn’t resist the urge to touch you.”

Her eyes closed as she remembered the caresses. “I’m only sorry you left before I could wake and return the favor.”

There was a long pause and Clarisse opened her eyes to see the dark blue of Joseph’s eyes piercing her with longing and desire. She wished she could be certain of taking the next step with him. Finally, he spoke. “Perhaps tonight we can find a way to allow you to return the favor?”

Desire warred with lingering fear. Could she finally separate the why of their previous physical encounters? Her body remembered Joseph’s touch taking her higher and higher, remembered the way  his body responded to her touch, and even remembered the way she’d been drawn to him before that weekend. She turned her head slightly to kiss his palm. “Perhaps.”

He stood and extended his hand to her, helping her to her feet. His hand slid along her cheek and pulled her mouth to his for a kiss. She tasted the bold coffee blend he favored in the morning and a hint of the powdered sugar from his French toast.  Wanting to give back a small measure of the joy he’d given her, she angled her head and slid her tongue along the seam of his lips prompting him to open to her advances. His moan accompanied by his hands sliding lower to hold her close sent waves of pleasure crashing down around her. Oh, how she wanted to fully enjoy being with her husband.

A moment later they separated. He kissed her gently one more time before stepping away and smiling apologetically. “If you keep kissing me like that, I’m not going to let you go to work today.”

 _I shouldn’t be going to work today._ “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize, just hurry and finish your tasks today so we can start with that kiss tonight.”

The eager look on his face worried her slightly. “Joseph, I…”

His kiss cut off her response and the tug of longing pulled her along with him for a few more moments. “One step at a time, my love. Don’t worry. You have control, I promise.”

She nodded, slightly relieved. “I’ll see you here for dinner then?”

“It’s a date.”

^^C/J^^

Charlotte looked up when she entered the room. “Your Majesty…I wasn’t expecting you.”

Clarisse looked around the office. “Amelia’s not in yet?”

“No ma’am. She told me last night that after her almost wedding and then your surprise wedding, she felt that warranted a later start today and said she would be in by ten.”

A quick look at the clock revealed it to be barely nine. “Good, then we can get some things done before she arrives.” Clarisse walked over to Charlotte’s desk and placed her hand over the young woman’s. “Thank you for calling Pierre last night. It seems you are still taking care of and looking after me.”

Charlotte blushed. “You have looked after me for as long as I can remember. It’s my pleasure to be able to return the favor.”

Clarisse squeezed her hand, nodded then turned and moved to her desk. Her glasses went on and she focused on the coronation itinerary and task list. After a few minutes, she sensed Charlotte’s presence beside her. She turned in her direction, “Did you need something, my dear?”

“Why are you working? It's Sunday—your only day off and this is technically your honeymoon. While I know you wouldn’t take the whole week off, a day or two won’t hurt.” Her expression revealed curiosity mixed with sadness.

Clarisse removed her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Charlotte, you and I both know that time off right now is exactly what I don’t need.”

Charlotte pulled a footrest over and lowered herself so they could look eye to eye. “May I ask?”

She sighed and tried to find the right words to explain the situation to the only other person on earth she felt even had the right to ask. “If the question is has the marriage been consummated, the answer is no.”

The young woman’s hand covered hers. “I’m sorry.”

Clarisse smiled and squeezed her hand. “Don’t be. We found our way to this point, we’ll find our way beyond. It will just take time.”

The young woman nodded. “Good. I was worried. Things between the two of you felt tense and distant over the past several days.”

“Yes, well, we had some unresolved matters from that weekend which required resolution. We were able to work through that last night which was far more important than…well than anything else at the moment.”

“I’m glad to hear that. You both deserve happiness and to be free from the nightmares. The rest will come.”  Charlotte smiled sympathetically before her eyes brightened. “Perhaps the dance is the answer again. It helped you find your start on the path to healing, maybe it can help again.”

Clarisse smiled. “Thank you, Charlotte. You may be right. I promise to consider your words carefully.”

Charlotte nodded and returned to her seat just before Amelia bound in the room, cup of tea in hand. “Gramma! I didn’t expect to see you today. You and Joe should be…well, I don’t want to think about that.” She smiled.

This was not starting off well. Maybe a firm tone would do the trick...hopefully. “There’s work to be done, Amelia. You need not give one more second of thought to anything else except preparing yourself for your coronation.”

Clarisse caught the surprised look in her granddaughter’s face, but then lowered her head before anything in her eyes would give her away.  Today was going to be a long day.

_Later that night…_

Joseph’s eyes lit up as his bride walked into the suite. He nodded his thanks to Felix for the escort. The moment the door closed, he offered her a bright smile. “How was your day, dear?”

The rolling of her head as her hand went to her neck told him all he needed to know. “It was fine. Spending the day with Amelia and her, shall we call it good-natured teasing was quite taxing. Thanks to Charlotte’s guidance, we did manage to accomplish a great deal. How was yours?”

He closed the distance between them and assisted with the removal of her jacket, taking the opportunity to kiss her shoulder. “I suppose the saying boys will be boys applies even to the supposedly serious security types. Most of the men congratulated me along with the teasing. Scott had a little more to say.”

“Oh?” She turned and faced him, her hand cupping his cheek, intense blue eyes piercing his gaze. “Did he feel we’d made a mistake by being so hasty?”

Holding her hand to his face, he turned his head slightly and kissed her palm and then her wrist. “Quite the contrary, he berated me for making you ask me and threw in the old _I told you so_ lecture.”

She stepped away, a look of sadness on her face. “But you did ask me…”

“That may have been the worst proposal in history. I don’t blame you for saying no.”

Hurt flashed in her eyes. “I didn’t say no, it was simply a not yet.”

This conversation was not taking them down the path he wanted. He rubbed his neck before clasping her hand in his and lifting it to his lips. “You’re right, my dear. Please, let’s not spend one more moment than necessary on the past. We’re together now and that is what’s most important.”

Clarisse’s expression softened. “You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s been a trying day.”

“Chef sent up some dinner. Are you hungry?” He desperately wanted to reset the mood. Their second night together was starting off only marginally better than the first. _I long for a normal night. Perhaps our history together makes that too much to ask._

Her gaze turned toward the door to the bathroom. “I actually thought a nice soak in a hot tub would be a good way to relieve the day’s tension.”

Thoughts of Clarisse in fragrant oil, surrounded by thick bubbles did nothing to help calm the desire he’d barely kept in check all day. He wasn’t sure how he was going to keep his promise to take things slow when her body was next to him in bed tonight. He exhaled slowly. “Of course. Allow me to run your bath for you while you change?”

She shook her head, “I wouldn’t ask you to do that for me.”

His arms slid around her waist and pulled her close, his face buried in the curve of her neck. Slowly, he inhaled her scent and relished the warmth her body offered. “You aren’t asking, I’m offering.”

“Very well. Thank you.” She kissed him tenderly on the cheek and took her leave. Joseph stared after her retreating form, admiring her beautiful backside while denying himself the memory from that weekend when his hands had caressed and held those beautiful hips as another fantasy had been choreographed by a madman.

He blinked hard to clear the pictures from his mind and set about his task. They’d finally finished the repairs to her bathtub and the new one was truly fit for a queen:  Large enough to hold two people comfortably, there were steps up and down into the tub, jets for a gentle massage, room along the edges for candles or a glass or wine and a neck pillow attachment. Yes, the designer had taken into account her queen’s penchant for baths when creating the beautiful marbled tub.

He selected a lavender oil bubble bath and turned the faucets on, carefully adjusting the temperature until it was just on the perfect side of hot. He wanted to set out some candles, but didn’t want to take a chance at getting his shirt wet, so he peeled off the garment and set it aside. As he stretched across the tub to place the candles and light them, he could feel the tension and tightness in his muscles. Maybe he’d indulge in a hot bath after Clarisse to relax him. _I’m going to need a cold shower before I crawl into bed next to her. A cold shower and a stiff glass or two of scotch._

He swirled his hand through the bubbles one time to check the temperature before standing to survey his work. One more touch. The back panel, near the towel closet also contained a built-in music library. Carefully, scrolling through the selections, he found the perfect soundtrack and hit play. Music from the Phantom of the Opera softly filtered into the room. He selected a large towel and washcloth and turned to place it within Clarisse’s reach when he saw her.

He swallowed hard.

Staying in the same room with her and not touching her wasn’t going to be hard.

It was going to be impossible.

**

Clarisse quickly undressed and wrapped herself in her favorite silk robe. The dark blue garment had been a gift from her mother several years ago. She inhaled deeply, the scent comforting her and calming her frayed nerves. Between Charlotte’s sympathy, Amelia’s teasing, and the longing Joseph nurtured when they were together, she was a tense wreck in need of a reprieve. The side of her that wanted to lose herself in Joseph’s touch continued to gain momentum with each passing hour. The frightened woman inside of her feared the fallout should they be unsuccessful.

Her mind replayed the sessions with Dr. Weston and the advice he’d given them…given her along with the warnings. She tried to focus on some of their more pleasurable times together recently. Immediately she was drawn to their private Valentine’s Day celebration. Her heart raced as she remembered him reminding her of some of their firsts together as well as creating some new ones of their own. Charlotte’s words from today resonated in her thoughts as well. The dance had played a significant role the first time they’d needed to overcome a physical hurdle. Of course, there were all the haunted confessions in therapy about the firsts that were taken away from them.

She drew in a deep breath. The desire to break free from the vicious victim cycle those men had placed her in, the same one she’d been unable to break completely free of, overwhelmed her and she vowed to find a way soon to create some new firsts.

With renewed courage, she made her way into the bathroom. The sound of the water running masked her approach. This enabled her to watch from the doorway as Joseph set about his work. When he pulled his shirt off, desire laced adrenalin shot through her veins. This time she allowed herself to be pulled into the haze of arousal as her gaze focused on the rippling muscles of his back. Though she saw the scars initially, this time she saw past them and focused on the strong lines of his back and imagined what that would feel like under her palms. When he turned the music on, she stepped further into the room and waited for him to turn around.

She wasn’t disappointed. Even in the candle-lit room, the flames of desire danced in his eyes. The heat from his expression flooding her body with arousal and flushing her skin to a rosy hue. He hadn’t looked at her like that in so very long. She returned the gaze by allowing her eyes to sweep over his broad chest. A light sprinkling of greying hair tempted her finger tips with the urge to caress every inch of his taut body. Oh yes, the years had been so good to him. As her gaze drifted lower, the waistband of his pants were slung lower on his hips and instinctively she licked her lips as she contemplated the treasure she knew rested just a few inches lower.

“Your water is almost ready.” His words were strained and low, his eyes skimming her body as they stood less than five feet from each other.  “If there’s nothing else you need, I’ll leave you to it then.”

 _I don’t want him to leave. He is my husband and this night is ours to do with as we please…as I please._ “Joseph, wait.”

At his tortured look, she added. “Please. I don’t want you to go.”

He picked up his shirt. “Clarisse, you have no idea how much I want to stay. But, I’m only human and I can’t watch you take a bath and talk to you about your day while you’re naked and covered with bubbles and still keep myself in check. I promised you we’d go slow, but you have to understand how much I want you right now.”

“Joseph.” Somehow she found her command voice and spoke in a firm tone that caused him to look away from her body and into her eyes.

“I may not be ready for us to officially consummate our marriage, but that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to try other things that married couples would do. Now, before I lose my nerve, please get in the tub.”

His eyes widened, but she could tell by the change in his expression he understood. As his hands went to his belt and then the button and zipper on his black pants, her body responded. So very handsome, so very sexy and… her breath caught as the black disappeared into a pool on the floor and his lean, hard body stood before her for one long second before he turned and stepped in the tub.

_And, so very mine._

She waited until he settled, smiling as he moaned his approval for the hot water seeping into his weary limbs. After a moment, his eyes opened and he looked at her, a questioning look in his eyes. Her voice resonated quietly, but deeply. “When I imagined the first time you would see me…all of me—I imagined something like this.”

As she finished, her fingers untied the knot holding her robe in place and the silk slid from her body, joining his on the floor.

“Me reina,” he whispered and extended his hand to help her into the tub.

Carefully, she stepped into the steaming hot water. It was the perfect temperature. Joseph’s voice broke into her thoughts. “Where would you like to sit, my love?”

With pointed toes, she slid her foot along the inside of his leg and pushed outward before turning and sinking into the water, settling between his legs. “I think here is the best seat. Does this work for you?”

She’d heard his breath hitch as his hands settled on his thighs, mere inches away from hers. His breath was hot on her shoulder as he placed a kiss in the curve of her neck, “You always choose the best seats, my dear.”

“Mmmm…” Her eyes closed as she covered his hands with hers and let the lavender scent, the soft candlelight and the music infuse her body with a sense of calm. Her breathing fell into pace with his, the rise and fall of their chests as one.

After several minutes, the song changed and _Music of the Night_ began to play through the speakers. She remembered when they’d danced to the song several months ago, how the music had filled her with hope and the words with desire. Twisting slightly in his embrace, her lips moved closer to his. “I love you, Joseph. I have never loved another person like I love you.”

With light pressure, she offered gentle kisses which he returned. One…two…three…until her internal temperature started to rise. _I want to show him the only way I can how much I love him._ Arching her back and pressing her lips further onto his, the intensity deepened. A low moan trapped in her chest as their tongues entered the game. _So, so good._

Her body ached to receive the same attention as her mouth. She could feel Joseph’s hands clench his thighs tight. He’d made no move to escape from her grasp. She also knew he would do nothing without her express approval, so she lifted their joined right hands to cover her heart as she continued to kiss him. At the touch, the beating increased ten-fold and his mouth tore away from hers. He panted. “You have control, Clarisse. Show me what you want.”

She lifted his left hand and guided both until they were cupping her breasts. Her lips were on him as her hands guided his in how she wanted to be touch. After a moment or two, she released her hold and returned her hands to his thighs as he caressed the tender flesh.

Kisses intermingled with gasps and moans filled the room, providing passionate interludes to the music building to its crescendo. Joseph’s fingers caressed, teased, and pinched the enervated tips sending droplets of sensation through her nervous system and over her skin as her body moved under the water.

_Open up your mind…let your fantasies unwind. In this darkness, you know you cannot find…the darkness of the music of the night.  Close your eyes and let the music set you free…only then can you belong to me._

Once again the words of the song set her spirit in tune with her body and the need to be free overwhelmed her. Breaking the kiss, her hands covered his and stilled his movements.

“Too much?”

She shook her head gently and bent her legs, placing a foot on either side of Joseph’s knees giving him access to her lower body. Taking his hand, she guided it until it rested on the inside of her right thigh and repeated the gesture for the left. Inhaling and exhaling slowly for courage, she moved his hands lower until they encountered the damaged skin still healing from Jason’s assault and abuse. She released his hands, freeing him to touch the marks as he pleased. Her eyes closed as she whispered, “I don’t want there to be anything remaining between us.”

Her hands rested on his legs as gentle fingers searched the scarred area she hadn’t allowed him to touch last night. Echoes of that horrible night pressed on the boundaries of her composure. Desperately, she wanted a pleasant memory to replace this one. “Joseph?” She whispered as his questing fingers moved lower to where the ache had grown to the point it could no longer be denied.

The hairs from his goatee moved against the skin on her shoulder as his face was buried in the curve of her neck. “Yes?”

“I want to lose control with you.”

She knew he’d understand. Until the recent exceptions, he always knew instinctively what she wanted…exactly what she needed.  “Are you sure?” His fingers stopped as their chests moved together, inhaling the sweet smell of their rising passion.

Widening her knees, she nodded. “I’m sure. Give me a new memory to help erase the bad.”

A moment later, the ache deepened from desire to full-fledged need as his hand moved lower to comb through her curls, brushing against the focal point of her arousal. Her back arched as she leaned farther into him, a gasp slipping through her pursed lips.

“Okay?” He placed gentle kisses on the pulse point of her neck.

“Better than okay.”

One of his arms slid around her waist and held her steady in the water as he went to work. She tried to isolate only the positive parts from that weekend…the skillful way Joseph had sent her soaring higher than she’d ever been before. Small circles of friction, eased by the water and fragrant oils tightened the coil deep within her body tighter and tighter making it hard to remain still.

She could feel his hot breath against her ear, the sexual tension heated the water and charged the air with sparks of desire…each one lighting the flames of her need higher and higher. Joseph’s touch inflamed her while the lapping of the water against her thighs provided enough calm to prolong the experience. Music, candlelight and Joseph’s arms holding her close…this was how it’s supposed to be.

She moaned as the friction increased to an unbearable level as the world hung in the balance.

_Scream his name, Clarisse…let him know he has pleased his Queen._

Lester’s command filtered into her pleasure and she refused to give him back control. She would NOT let him dictate the terms of her intimacy with Joseph for one second more. As the pad of Joseph’s finger curled at the precise spot, her control shattered. “Yesssss…oh God…yes!”

Joseph’s hand stilled as the shifting waters subsided. His lips moved to her earlobe and the murmurs of his kisses resonated throughout her mind, easing the fragments of the mind-blowing pleasure he’d just delivered with the touch of his hand. “Thank you.” She turned to kiss him a moment before settling back into this embrace.

“Thank you for trusting me and giving me control.” Joseph’s smile was evident against her skin even though she couldn’t see it. He added, “I was right.”

“About?”

His hold on her tightened as he spoke, “You are breathtakingly beautiful when you lose control.”

She turned to look at him and smiled, “You couldn’t even see me.”

His hand caught her cheek and pulled her closer for a kiss, the connection ratcheting her passion once again. “I didn’t need to see to picture you in my mind and the body never lies. Your body told me what your voice could not.”

Evidence of Joseph’s desire, trapped between their bodies, told her his body was speaking loud and clear. Adjusting her legs until they were inside his again, she pressed against his thighs to lift her body in an effort to move into another position. Joseph’s hands went to her waist. “If you’re getting out, I’ll join you shortly.”

She adjusted her position until she was seated next to him. Turning so she could face him, her fingers took their turn to caress as they drifted over the broad muscles of his chest before disappearing under the water to capture the strong evidence of his desire with her hand. “Will you allow me to return the favor?”

At his surprised look, she offered a crooked smile. “Unless you’d rather take care of this yourself? That is what you were planning to do when I got out, isn’t it? But…if you’d rather I leave you to take matters into your own hand…?”

“Dios mio, no, my love. Only in my dreams, though, would you give me such a gift.”

As her fingers tightened around his manhood and began to slowly move up and down the shaft, her lips found his. “Tonight is a night for dreams coming true then.”

His eyes closed as she continued to play his body like an instrument…tuning and tightening until the perfect tension was achieved. She looked forward to the time when she could leisurely explore every facet of his beautiful body. She would kiss each scar--scars that represented his willingness to endure torture and pain to protect her.

A lesser man…a lesser love would have succumbed to the allure of death and left her all alone there at the mercy and whims of those mad men, but Joseph…

Joseph had stayed alive for her.

Her mouth captured his as the pace increased, her tongue pressing for entrance. The water sloshed, the bubbles disappearing from their activities. In the dim lighting she could see his hips rising and falling in counterpart to her strokes. She’d never done anything like this before, but for Joseph she wanted to give him this as it was the best she could do at the moment. Hopefully soon they would try to take the final step, but for now mutual pleasure would be achieved even if not in the most ideal of manners.

A moment later, Joseph’s hips thrust forward as he cried out, “Merde, Clarisse!”

She held tightly, ringing the final bit of pleasure from his body. She kissed his damp forehead. “Now, I believe I’m ready to get out.”

“Thank you, my love. I’m right behind you.”

At her questioning glance, he chuckled. “Any excuse to see that beautiful backside of yours.”

She blushed and her laughter joined his. “I should make you get out first for that reason alone.”

He lifted his hand to assist her. “Let’s go, my love. I’ve found my appetite and…”

“And a new love for baths.”

 

tbc


	31. Just to be Clear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their success in the bathtub, C/J continue to handle the affairs of country during the day and move forward with their personal relationship at night. Just to be clear...they know the battle for happily ever after still needed to be won.

 

Chapter 31

**The next morning – Monday, 5 days before the Coronation**

Clarisse opened her eyes to the early morning light filtering through the drawn, ivory curtains. Even this early, the bright rays of the sun cast a warm glow around the bedchamber. Summers in Genovia were usually mild and this summer didn’t appear to be any different.

Pulling the blanket over her exposed arm, Clarisse stretched her tired muscles as she rolled toward the center expecting to encounter the warm body of her newly wedded husband, only to find the space cold and empty. 

Sitting up, panic threatened to consume her. _What if...what if he changed his mind?_  Taking a moment to look around the room, Joseph's clothes from the night before were still draped over the chair on the other side of the room where they’d tossed them before climbing into bed last night. A small sigh of relief escaped her lips. _Calm down, Clarisse. He wouldn't leave without taking his clothes._

Gathering her dressing gown from the foot of the bed, she slipped it on and made her way to the sitting room. Stopping in the door way, she saw Joseph. A measure of relief filled her body. He was still here. Closer observation had him apparently lost in thought as he tapped an envelope against the table.

The sitting room was a stark contrast to her bedchamber as the only light in the room emanated from the bright orange flames in the fireplace. Their flickering created dancing shadows across furniture before being swallowed in the darkness.  

Wrapping her arms around herself, Clarisse closed the distance between them until she was standing behind the chair across from him. More than anything, she wanted to recapture the intimacy from the night before. They’d had a breakthrough in the bathtub and she was eager to continue to push boundaries in this area. "Thank you for starting the fire." She motioned towards the fireplace. "But, why are you up so early?" 

Looking up from the envelope he had been tapping, he explained. "It was starting to cool down and I didn't want you to catch one of those nasty summer colds." 

"That's very thoughtful, but I must admit that I was looking forward to waking up with you in my...our bed."  She’d really wanted to feel his arms around her, holding her close.

Her concern grew as he rubbed his hand over his face before he responded. "I'm sorry. I had every intention of returning so we could do just that but this," he lifted the envelope, "demanded my attention."

Clarisse's stomach knotted as the light revealed her title in all too familiar script across the envelope "May I ask what's inside?"

Separating the envelopes, Joseph seemed to be weighing both in his hands before extending the one addressed to the queen. "I suppose this letter is still needed. It's my formal resignation." 

Laying the envelope on the table, she smoothed the edges with her fingers offering a small smile "Yes, well... I suppose I can't have the prince consort acting as my head of security." Her attempt at humor did little to ease the fact she knew he had to have written these letters prior to the wedding. Clarisse's eyes locked onto the remaining letter which he still held. "And the other?"

Laying the envelope on the table, Joseph copied her earlier actions of smoothing the edges with his finger before picking it up and handing it over. 

Seeing her given name scrolled across the middle nearly caused her heart to stop beating. The contents of this small envelope would confirm just how close she came to losing her one true love once and for all. 

Joseph walked around the table and moved to stand in front of the fireplace, his back to her. It would make it easier to say the words he needed to say. "The day of our wedding, in the archbishop's office, I told you we couldn't start our lives together with secrets between us. That letter represents my last secret. I had left both letters on your desk the night before the wedding. On the way out of your office, I ran into Amelia. Yesterday, while she and I were dancing she slipped them both into my pocket. I had considered destroying them, acting as if they never existed but you deserve to know the truth." 

Clarisse walked over to stand next to him, turning his body so they faced one another. "I don't need to read this letter...I know how close I came to losing you." She gave one final cursory glance to the letter in her hand before tossing it in the fire. Her eyes never left Joseph’s. She needed him to see how much she believed in him…in them. "Will you answer one question for me?"

Gathering her hands in his, he nodded. "Anything."

The mere thought of Joseph walking away from their relationship....from her, caused tears to glisten like diamonds in her sapphire eyes. "If I had not asked you to marry me yesterday and you had left the palace...would you have ever given me another chance?"

"Oh, my darling." He pulled her against his chest, wrapping his arms tight around her waist. "I am a stubborn man who became impatient and instead of being the support you needed at the time, I became another issue to deal with. I would love to tell you I had no intentions of actually leaving but my packed suitcase tells another story."

She tensed at his admission prompting him to reassure her further by rubbing small circles on her back. “To answer your question, I'm certain I would have been begging you for another chance the moment I passed through the gate."

Clarisse reveled in the feel of his arms around her, his admission that he would’ve come back for her. Before she could say anything in response, he continued. "Do you remember the Valentine's Day after Philippe was born?" 

She lifted her head slightly from his chest. "Vaguely. Why?"

"Whatever plans you and the King had for the evening did not go well and you insisted I accompany you on a walk. We spoke of many things, but what I remember most is your asking if I believed in soulmates. I didn’t have an answer for you then, but now I know. You, Clarisse Renaldi- Romero are my soulmate, my one and only true love. You are my best friend and confidant. But most importantly, you are the love of my life and your love has made me a better person. Never doubt my love for a single minute, Clarisse. It's always been you...it will forever always be you."  

^^C/J^^

_Later that Evening_

Joseph hated that his marriage to the most complex, duty-bound, yet amazing woman happened to occur in what was most likely the busiest week in recent Genovian history. There were a million details to attend to by both the royal family and the security team. With an angry Viscount along with the normal disgruntled factions who would not be pleased that another Renaldi, a young one at that, was beginning her reign, he and his team had to be certain every detail was covered.

As such, other than lunch with his wife, who looked extra sexy while eating her salad and soup, he hadn’t laid eyes on her. He smiled as he admitted to himself that the time they’d spent together in the tub might have affected his thoughts on her body—not that he’d ever thought her less than the most magnificent angel to ever be born.  Wrapping up the day’s agenda had taken longer than usual and he was anxious to get back home. “Is everything finished, Shades?”

The younger man smiled knowingly. “Anxious to get back to the Mrs.?”

Joseph punched him good naturedly. “Her face is a helluva lot better to look at then your ugly mug, that’s for sure. What does Charlotte see in you?” Since it was only the two of them, he felt he could rib Shades a bit about the female in his life as well.

“She sees someone who can put up with you over half the hours in every day.”

He smiled, glad their camaraderie had been restored. A few days ago, Joseph wondered if he’d lost that as well. “Touché my friend. Speaking of Charlotte, when are you going to make an honest woman out of her?”

Shades shrugged. “She’s a career woman. You know the type.” He winked. “She’s been talking to the Princess about becoming a member of Parliament. If she does, and I have no doubt she can do anything she sets her mind to, then she’ll need to focus on that for a while before tending to personal matters.”

Joseph moved closer to his protégé and clasped his arm. “I think it’s great she’s living out her dreams, but don’t make the same mistakes I did. There’ll always be something. Talk to her, let her know what you want. Be clear, leave no misunderstanding and come to an agreement on the timing. Then, when the time is right, give her the fairytale and sweep her off her feet.”

Shades pulled him a bit closer and gave him the standard slap on the back men use to show affection. “I promise, Boss.” He pulled back. “Now go, be with your wife. Charlotte said they worked pretty hard today so hopefully she’ll still be awake.”

Joseph smiled as he made his way to Clarisse’s suite…to their suite. After the coronation, they’d sort out the living arrangements, but for now it was much easier for him to put a few changes of clothes and his toiletries in her suite than the other way around. Besides, her sheets were nicer.

Quietly he opened the door. The front room was lit only by a small lamp and he heard soft music coming from the bedroom. Stepping into the room, his heart melted at the sight that greeted him. His wife…his gorgeous wife, was lying on her stomach with her left knee at an angle. The rise and fall of her upper body indicated she was asleep. Quickly, he prepared for bed and slid in next to her. The midnight blue gown contrasted her pale skin and the way it fell to mid-thigh gave him a beautiful view of her long legs. Because her leg was bent, the gown had ridden up offering the smallest glimpse of her upper thigh.

_Merde, she’s beautiful._ His body responded to the vision she presented in sleep. The desire to touch her, to make love to her, to be one with her overwhelmed him. His hand moved of its own accord to slide along the satin material. When she didn’t wake, he debated whether to continue but decided it would be a wonderful way to rouse her and ask about her day… _and possibly kiss and touch her some more._

Availing himself of the entire length of her back, he stroked gently. The rise and fall of her chest increased with her breathing and drew him deeper and deeper into her web. The perfect roundness of her bottom drew his hand lower. _Like a moth to the flame…_

Years of walking behind her, watching the gentle sway of her hips demanded he not resist. The tips of his fingers traced the bottom of her gown before encountering the delicate lace of her undergarment. He traced along the curve, memorizing the delicate feel of her skin.

Her gasp stopped his movement immediately. He inhaled and exhaled slowly, the silky feel of her skin teasing him and making it almost impossible to stop his…

**

Caressing and warming her body forced her eyes wide open as panic and fear shot straight into her heart. Adrenaline filled her limbs with the urgent need for flight or fight.

She gasped sharply, inhaling the scent of the room. No sulfur…no smoke…no stale smell of beer.

Nothing but lavender and Joseph’s masculine scent.

At the thought of her husband, her racing heart slowed and the adrenaline slipped out of her limbs replaced by pin pricks of satisfaction as her body reminded her heart of the pleasure he’d been responsible for giving her last night. _He’s being so patient with me. I need to try to move forward. For him. For us._

Rolling toward him, she smiled as her hand reached out to touch his bare chest. She saw the concern in his eyes and leaned in to place a kiss on his lips to reassure him. Her hand glided over his chest to his strong biceps, lingering there for a moment. She felt them flex as he moved his arm over her waist to pull her closer. His tongue slid across the seam of her lips and parted, inviting him home. “Mmmm….” The moan slipped from her throat, unbidden as the need deep inside of her bubbled to the surface.

Her hand slid around to his back as she angled her head to deepen their connection and close the remaining distance between their bodies. The heat and passion steadily raised, her heart begging her to let go and fly with Joseph until they never came…

**

  1.   I need to calm this down. Somewhere in the back of Joseph’s lust-filled brain, the voice of reason called out reminding him Clarisse wasn’t ready. Breaking the kiss, he tried not to focus on her wet, swollen lips or the dark blue of her irises.  Instead, he remembered what had happened each time he’d pushed too hard…went too far.



He cupped her cheek with his hand and let his thumb slide along those luscious lips. “Just so we’re clear, I want you, Clarisse. Want to make love to you in this moment, perhaps more than anything else I’ve ever wanted to do. But, I love you too much to ask you to do this if you’re not ready. If so, we’ll kiss. I’ll hold you. We can even pleasure each other as we did last night.

Her eyes cleared some as she smiled and turned her head slightly to kiss his palm. “Just so we’re clear…” She whispered against his hand. “I want you as well and, more than anything else, I want to try this with you. Right here. Right now.”

Joseph silenced any other words she might speak by covering her mouth with his and threading his fingers through her short blonde hair. He burned with an intensity that frightened him. He felt as if this moment had taken a lifetime for them to reach and, he admitted, feared might never come.

His eyes closed and he lost himself in the feel of her satin covered body. Gentle swells and curves in all the right places. His hands and lips availed themselves of her soft, scented skin.  His ears heard the sweet sounds of her moans, the heated feel of her hands caressing his back, the soft curves of her body pressing against his.

He moved his body further onto hers. He felt as though he died and gone to…

**

Heaven…

And hell.

Clarisse’s body battled with her brain valiantly to minimize the rising panic. Everything started out well. Her desire for the man attentively loving her body outweighed all else. But her mind served as a worthy opponent reminding her of those unending hours she’s spent as an unwilling participant under the weight of another.

_Joseph is different!_

Her heart shouted over the pounding pulse thrumming in her ears.  She turned her head to the side as Joseph’s body moved over hers. His lips found the curve of her neck as he kissed and murmured his love.  Her legs parted to make room for him and she felt his silk covered hardness moving against her satin-clad center.

She blinked rapidly, her hands sliding from his body to grip the bed sheets. His weight on hers added to the feeling of restraint.  Though her hands weren’t cuffed to the bed, the pressure of his body against hers was no longer comforting. Inhaling sharply, she fought for composure.

Joseph deserved this.

_She_ deserved this.

Images of other men above her…taking their fill of her body flashed through her mind. The cries of her heart became nothing more than a mere whisper in the torrent of demons screaming in her head. Gasping for air, the pressure on her chest robbed her of her ability to…

**

He needed to slow down and breathe. Make sure they weren’t moving too fast. He stopped his activity for only a moment, but it was enough.

The beautiful woman under him was no longer holding him, no longer kissing and caressing him. No longer murmuring sounds of pleasure. Her chest heaved, but the sound reminded him of when she’d been gasping for oxygen at the hands of those mad men. His gaze fell to the profile of her beautiful face and he saw tears.

Tears!

Dear God. His gaze moved lower and he noticed her hands clenching the sheets. Immediately he moved off her body and resumed his position next to her. A second glance at her face revealed tightly closed eyes.

She’d retreated into her own shell. _Just like she’d done when those men raped her…._

The realization dumped a bucket of ice water on his ardor and he moved even farther away. “Clarisse?”

When she didn’t answer, his hand cupped her cheek as he wiped away the salty moisture. “Clarisse!”

Her eyes snapped open. “Oh Joseph…I’m so sorry. I wanted to. I truly did.”

At the fresh onslaught of tears, he pulled her into a loose embrace. “Shhh, it’s alright. Tonight isn’t the night, my love. One day--one night at a time. I’m so sorry if I hurt you.”

When her arms returned the embrace, he tightened his hold. His eyes closed as flashes of horror from that weekend and the assault on her beautiful body overwhelmed him. She’d been so brave, never letting them know how deep their vile behavior affected her. _Still affected her._

After several minutes, he sensed her body calm. “I’m sorry. I truly am. I thought I could.”

He kissed her forehead, cheeks and finally came to rest on her lips. The tenderness in the touch reached into his soul. Somewhere, somehow…he believed, deep down everything would…

**

_I have to find a way to make this work._ They’d made some progress, but it wasn’t enough. She knew it was unfair to ask him to stay with her tonight regardless of how deeply she needed him to. Finding her courage, she lifted her gaze to his. “I know this is unfair to you. I’ll understand if it would be easier for you to stay in your suite.” The words hurt her heart to say, but the love she felt for the man holding her demanded she be reasonable.

His lips grazed hers before he spoke. “You are my wife and this is my suite now. So, unless you send me away, by your side is where I shall remain. It is where I belong.”

The words comforted her and she exhaled slowly. “I will figure this out.”

“No, Clarisse. We…will figure this out. We’re in this together, remember.  You don’t have to do this alone. Not ever again.”

“I love you.” The words paled in comparison to the level of commitment and connection she shared with the man holding her.

“And I love you.”

She closed her eyes and prayed for sleep to come. Tomorrow. Tomorrow she would find a way.

^^C/J^^

 

 


	32. It's Always Been You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter brings our saga to a close (for now...I'm planning on writing an epilogue at some point in the near future, but with the publishing release of my first novel, time is a precious commodity right now :) )
> 
> I trust you've enjoyed the journey and thank you for sticking with us throughout all the angst.
> 
> (P.S. if you'd like info about the novel, visit www.nicoleleiren.com - thanks!)

Chapter 32

“It’s Always Been You”

**_The next morning – 4 days until the coronation_ **

Clarisse noticed both she and Joseph moved slower this morning. Lack of sleep, unresolved sexual tension and emotional distress taking their tolls on aging bodies. She looked away from her make-up mirror to notice him moving items around in a duffel bag. “Joseph?”

“Yes?”

“May I have Olivia and Felix move at least a week’s worth of clothes and other necessities from your room and organize them here in mine. I’m certain we can find room.” She smiled. “Women tend to take up all available room, even if it’s not truly needed. You shouldn’t have to keep your things in a bag.”

He walked over and kissed her on the temple. “It wasn’t my intention…there’s just been so little time.”

Her hand cupped his cheek. “I would say I’m sorry for the unplanned nature of our wedding and the timing, but…”

Soft lips on hers cut off the remaining admission. Once again, her heartrate tripled after skipping a beat. Oh how she loved kissing him, wanted to get lost in him. When he pulled away with a soft smile. “I’m not sorry either. And,” He winked. “Men care much less about such things than women. However, it would make getting ready in the morning a little easier. Thank you, my love.”

She pulled him into another kiss, determined to make him feel wanted…needed. Her tongue slid along his lips, he moaned his response as he settled next to her on the bench, pulling her closer. The kiss had barely started when he pulled away, a look of regret in his eyes. “I have to go to work, the safety of Genovia’s future queen is imperative.”

“Of course, I understand.” She understood it was difficult for him to kiss her and not be able to let the sensations take control. She had the same problem. “Please tell Charlotte and Amelia I’ll be down in a few minutes. I want to speak with Olivia and arrange for your things to be brought over.  After the coronation, we’ll figure out a more permanent solution.”

He kissed her one more time, a chaste kiss on the lips. Then he was gone. Clarisse sighed. She couldn’t blame him. Last night had been emotional for both for both of them. She simply was at a loss at how to fix it. She moved toward the phone to call Olivia when it rang. “Hello?”

“Your Majesty? It’s Doc Weston.”

Regret, embarrassment, and confusion surfaced after the way she’d handled their last conversation. “Yes. How can I help you?”

“I wanted to call and congratulate you and well…see if there was anything I could do to help you.”

Clarisse leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes, remembering the fear and panic she’d experienced. The doctor had warned her, countless times…yet she’d pushed forward by asking Joseph to marry her and then trying to make love to him before she’d properly prepared herself.

“Clarisse?”

The doctor’s questioning voice brought her back to the present. “Yes, I’m here. Sorry.”

“Are you alright? Is everything going well? After our last conversation and then the events that took place the next day, I thought perhaps we should talk.”

She sighed. “It seems as though all I’m able to do is talk.”

“Would you like to talk now?” The gentle, non-accusing tone of his voice soothed over her troubled nerves.

“I suppose it would be for the best as I could use your help.”

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”

Yes, well, his approach was sometimes more than she cared to follow, but his advice had always been sound. And, if nothing else, he was well versed in the art of listening. “Joseph and I have resolved all the secrets between us.”

“Wonderful! I’m so glad to hear that.”

“Yes, it was difficult. However, as you indicated it was imperative for our relationship to continue.” She hoped she could find the courage to continue to share with him. _For Joseph I can do this._

“And has your relationship…continued?”

Her cheeks heated at his question. A part of her was thankful this conversation was taking place over the phone rather than in the office with Joseph sitting next to her. She inhaled deeply. “We have been unable to fully consummate our relationship.”  There…she’d said it out loud.

“That’s understandable. Can you share with me at what point you were unable to continue?” His soft voice remained steady.

She fought to keep her voice as even as his. “Once his body moved over mine…the negative memories assaulted me and I tried to escape in my mind as I did that weekend.”

“And Joseph reacted how?”

A solitary tear slipped down her cheek. “The moment he noticed, he moved away and sought to comfort me. I…” She exhaled loudly. “I need to find a way to fix this. It’s unacceptable and unfair to Joseph.”

“And to you, Clarisse. You were a victim as well.”

She hated thinking of herself that way. She lifted her chin as she answered. “I understand your point, Doctor. But you and I both know that the challenges are within me…In my head.”

“Yes, it will be up to you to initiate the next steps, especially if there’s been a failed attempt. You need to continue to talk, but when it comes time again, making the experience different from anything that transpired that weekend will be critical to allowing your mind to be free to enjoy your time with Joseph rather than reliving the nightmare again.”

_Another first…_ “I believe I understand. Any other suggestions?” For the first time since she’d stood with Joseph in the Arch Bishop’s office after they exchanged vows, she felt a rather small glimmer of hope that maybe…just maybe…they could work through this.

“You must continue to talk to each other, continue sharing. He needs to understand what you’re feeling and experiencing so you can discover ways to break through the walls that weekend created between you.”

“We will continue to try. At least we’re communicating better than we have been over the past month or so.” A fact for which she was very grateful.

“I have all the confidence that you both will find your happily ever after. I do hope you’ll allow the continuing of our sessions for at least a little while. I’d appreciate seeing this through to the end.” Both his smile and light reproach could be heard through the connection.

Clarisse smiled. “Of course, Doctor. I’m sorry for the abrupt way I ended our last conversation. I was rather distraught.”

“No apology necessary. I’ll reach out to Charlotte after the coronation to get something scheduled.”

“Yes, that sounds like a wonderful plan. Thank you again.”

“My pleasure. Please call if you need to talk further.”

The red in her cheeks slipped lower to cover her neck and chest. “Let us hope that isn’t necessary.”

“I hope not either, Clarisse, but know that there’s not anything you could say that would embarrass me or make me think any less of you.”

Her eyes closed, knowing his words were spoken with the deepest respect. “I appreciate that, Doctor. This and everything you’ve done to help me and Joseph recover from this ordeal. While the country will never know, we will forever be in your debt.”

“Simply doing my duty, Your Majesty. Long live Queen Clarisse.”

Clarisse smiled. He’d said the words he knew would mean the most to her and convey the sense of shared duty they both felt. “And long live the wonderful Doctor Weston. Thank you. I’ll be in touch.”

She disconnected the call and dialed Olivia’s extension. She would take care of all the details the day required and then focus on finding perhaps the most important first yet to ensure her future happiness.

^^C/J^^

**_Wednesday-_ ** **_Three days before the Coronation_ **

Amelia’s head dropped from the hand she’d been propping it up on for the last hour. Clarisse smiled at Charlotte. “Darling, why don’t you take a break?”

The young woman sat up straight. “No, Gramma, I’m sorry. I’ll be fine.”

“You’ve been burning the candle at both ends. You’ll need to be refreshed and rested for all that is to come.” She turned to Charlotte. “Why don’t you ask Brigitte and Brigitta to assist Amelia with getting some much needed rest? A couple hours and you’ll feel like a new woman. Charlotte and I will see to the details while you’re gone.”

The look on Amelia’s face registered a cross between relief and embarrassment. “I’m sure you are tired as well, Gramma. I can’t leave you and Charlotte here to handle everything while I sleep.”

Clarisse stood and moved over to her granddaughter and pulled her into a hug. “In a few short days, the responsibility for governing Genovia will sit squarely on your beautiful shoulders. Rest will be a precious commodity and a luxury you will not often get. Take this time, rest up. Charlotte and I will be fine.”

She felt the strong return embrace and the whispered thanks. “I promise to not disappoint you.”

“I feel confident in the future of my beloved Genovia with you at the helm, my dear. Now go, rest.”

The moment Mia separated from her embrace, the ladies’ maids arrived. “I’ll see you in a few hours, Gramma.”

She and Charlotte settled back in to the unending details that needed to be completed in the few remaining days. “Are you resting, Your Majesty?” Charlotte’s quiet voice filled the room.

The glasses were removed and she turned toward her aide and friend. “I’m getting by, there is much to be done and I can rest once the transfer of power has been completed.”

Charlotte nodded then smiled. “How is married life?”

She cut the young woman a look and then smiled. “Unchanged, very little time for personal matters.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am. This is probably the busiest we’ve ever been. With everything else, I’m sure the timing hasn’t helped.”

Clarisse sighed. “Indeed.”

“Will you and Joseph be attending the pre-coronation reception and dance this evening?”

“I know I should. I fear my marriage to Joseph will take the spotlight away from Amelia.” What she really wanted was to find a way to spend more time in Joseph’s arms. The dance floor was a suitable substitute, but she longed for the real thing.

“After the introductions, I’ll make sure the focus remains on the Princess. You and Joseph can simply enjoy dancing.”

“You are a doll, Charlotte. Thank you for, once again, seeing to all the details. Perhaps when the coronation is over, you should take a few days and catch up on some rest as well.”

“I’ll look into that, ma’am. Perhaps you’ll be able to focus more on personal matters.”

Clarisse nodded. “Perhaps.”

^^C/J^^

_Later that Evening…_

Joseph twirled Clarisse, the smile on her face brightening his spirits and, he was certain, the entire room. He dipped her low as applause erupted throughout the ballroom. The heaving of her chest behind the lace in her gown fired the need resting just below the surface of his control. He wanted to lean into her and kiss the long, graceful line of her neck, but tonight was to be about Amelia and a picture of such an intimate moment between the reigning Queen and her new husband would surely take the headlines away from the well-deserving Princess.

He lifted Clarisse back to a standing position and, instead of the kiss he wished to bestow upon her, he lifted her hand and kissed the back before bowing to his dance partner. She curtsied in response and, hand in hand, they walked from the room.

Just outside the doors, Amelia waited her turn. Nicholas appeared a little pale as he stood behind her. “Lord Deveraux, are you ill?” Joseph asked even though he was in a hurry to get his wife back to their room. He had one more surprise for her tonight.

Mia turned to look at her escort for the evening. “Nick?”

He swallowed hard. “I’ll be fine. Not used to being the center of attention. I prefer to let Mia and Her Majesty have that honor.”

Joseph clasped the young man’s arm. “You do your job in leading her well and she will be the center of attention. Always remember that.”

His words seemed to be just what Nicholas needed to hear. “Thank you, Prince Joseph. I appreciate the words of wisdom.”

His face heated at the use of the formal title. “Just Joseph or Joe will be fine.”

“Then please call me Nicholas or Nick. Deal?” The young man extended his hand to shake.

Clarisse smiled broadly at the young man’s praise. “I’ve always found Joseph’s counsel to be very wise and helpful.”

_Announcing Her Royal Highness, Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi and her partner for the final dance, Lord Nicholas Deveraux._

“That’s our cue, Nick. Thank you Gramma, Joe. See you tomorrow morning.”

The double doors opened and the young couple moved forward with grace and a building sense of power. Clarisse leaned against Joseph, pulling his arms around her. “They are going to make a fine pair someday and be very good for the people and future of Genovia.”

He squeezed her tighter. “Indeed they are.” After a moment of listening to the music from inside the room, he leaned down and whispered in her ear. “Might I escort the current Queen and my beautiful wife to our room to retire for the evening?”

She turned in his embrace and kissed him gently on the lips. His arms tightened instinctively around her frame as his lips slid to the curve of her neck he’d been admiring earlier. Faint traces of perfume tickled his senses and heightened his desire for her. “Please take me home, my love.”

After bidding Charlotte goodbye and informing security of their departure, he slipped his arm around her waist and walked the short journey to their suite. Once inside, he guided her to the sofa and started to pour a glass of wine. “Might I have some scotch tonight? I prefer sharing in my husband’s favorite drink.”

His gaze cut to hers and he saw her eyes were dark as night as they moved up and down, drinking in his body. The bold move led to a tightening below his waist and a slight trembling in his hands. They’d had a very good night together. Perhaps she wanted to try again? He smiled. “Scotch it is.”

He handed her the crystal glass and they clinked them together. Clarisse offered the toast. “To Genovia’s future queen, long may she live.”

Joseph sipped the amber beverage and then added, “May her current queen live long as well.”

When her wet lips curled into a bright smile, he almost forgot the purpose for not taking her straight to bed. The corner of the small box resting in his pocket poking into his leg provided the necessary reminder. He set his drink down and grabbed a pillow from the sofa, tossing it to the floor before slipping from the couch to one knee in front of her.

“Joseph?”

He clasped her left hand in his and slipped the other inside his pocket to retrieve the box. Just as he practiced, he flipped the box open and lifted it up to her gaze. “Clarisse Renaldi Romero, will you wear this token of my love for you for as long as we both shall live?”

Tears filled his beloved’s eyes as they came to rest on the sapphire and diamond set he’d designed especially for her. “I will. Yes, I will!”

He released her long enough to remove the ring and slip it onto her hand alongside the gold band she’d been given on their wedding day. He planned on replacing the band later as well, but for now at least, she’d have a token of his love and affection to proudly display to the rest of Genovia and the world.

Pride filled his heart as the woman who owned the crown jewels of Genovia and more diamonds than he cared to count, lifted her hand, turning it several different ways, her eyes sparkling as the light shimmered and glinted off the jewels now resting on her finger. “It’s lovely, Joseph. When did you have time?”

“My boss is gracious and allows her employees a lunch break, even though she doesn’t take one herself regularly. A friend of mine is a jeweler and I called in a favor.”

Her jeweled hand cupped his cheek and pulled him closer, her knees separating to make room as she leaned forward to kiss him. His eyes closed as the pressure from her lips along with the warmth of her hand filled him with love. Sliding his hand along her thighs, he moved closer to her embrace relishing the feel of her strong legs on either side of his body. “Take me to bed, my husband.”

Rising in one smooth motion, he pulled her up with him and moved them into the bedroom. His eyes drank in the deep purple of her dress, the slit on the side adding a hint of cream to the dark gown. Merde, how he wanted her. “You take the lead, my love. Set the stage and I will follow you this time.”

**

Clarisse swallowed and licked her lips.  The doctor’s words… “ _Make the experience different from anything that transpired that weekend,”_ rang in her ears. Remembering the surge of power, confidence and desire she felt as Joseph knelt before her provided inspiration.

“For now, I’d like to undress you…slowly.” The final word was spoken with a deep, throaty whisper.

Her gaze locked on his as slightly trembling hands slid up his torso, under his jacket and around the shoulders until the garment fell to the floor behind him. Next, she started unbuttoning the shirt. A flash from that weekend, a time when she’d been forced to undress him under other men’s watchful eyes, lit up her memory banks.

_Make it different!_

She stepped closer and placed open-mouthed kisses on each inch of flesh revealed as she worked the buttons. This close to his chest, she could hear the sharp intake of breath each time her lips touched his body and the rapid pounding of his heart against his chest. Once all buttons were removed, her fingernails raked over his chest and then around to his back as her lips covered the tiny nubs standing proudly awaiting her touch.

“Clarisse…” he whispered her name as his hands came to rest on her hips.

Desire flooded her being, the tension in her body arcing even higher. The way he said her name, the reverence, the passion, the love… Anxious to see him, the shirt joined the jacket on the floor. Lifting his hands, she tenderly kissed the scarred area on his wrists. Focusing on the love those scars represented rather than the horror, her tongue anointed them before turning him so his back was to her.

_This has to be different._

Since she was forced to undress him from the front last time, she opted for another approach. Her lips anointed the rippling muscles of his back as her arms encircled him and caressed his chest before moving lower to the buckle of his belt. His chest stopped its movement as breathing ceased while she worked through the barriers which would allow his pants to be lowered to the growing pile on the floor. “Merde, Clarisse…so good, my love.”

She smiled against the damaged flesh of his back before slipping her hands into the waistband and pushing down. Her hands slid over his hips and across his thighs. _So very strong and powerful…_

As she resumed a standing position, her hands slid up the front of his legs and lovingly caressed the strong evidence of his arousal. Her lips nibbled at the earring as she whispered, “Much better.”

**

Joseph’s knees weakened at the bold caresses of his wife. She’d found a way to take a scene from their weekend and switch it around to prevent those negative feelings. He wanted to return the favor. Slowly turning in her embrace, his lips found hers and demonstrated his thanks at her beautiful gift. He moaned into her mouth as her nails scraped up and down his back. Finally, he needed a breath. “Let me return the gift you gave me.”

She smiled, but shook her head. “Tonight is my gift to you, my love. Please, let me do this for us.”

How could he argue with such a beautiful request? “As you wish, mi reina.”

He watched as her hands moved to her left side and under her arm. A moment later, he heard the release of metal as the zipper of her dress was lowered which prompted the gown to slide from her body in a whisper of silk. Before he could comment, one graceful leg was lifted until her foot rested comfortably on a chair. She unhooked the garter belt and rolled the stocking down slowly, her hands caressing the toned flesh.

Joseph’s boxers grew uncomfortably tight as she repeated her efforts on the other side. A few more clasps later and only her bra and underwear remained. Taking his hand, she led him to the bed and quickly lowered his boxers. Oddly, he was grateful her lips didn’t touch him anywhere on the journey as he might have had an embarrassing incident. He was barely controlling his body from the slow attention she’d been paying to every detail. “On the bed, please.” She whispered before leaning forward to give him another kiss.

Without hesitation, he followed her command. His eyes riveted to her hands as they lowered the deep purple lace panties before climbing onto the bed and moving over him. For several minutes, they engaged in a kiss. Tongues battling as hands soothed, quick breaths feeding the desperate need for oxygen…the heat in the room rising in tandem with their body temperatures.

Just when he thought he might literally burst from the feel of her body next to his, one of those long, lithe and lovely legs slid across his lower body as she straddled him. Her upper body lifted to a raised position and his eyes focused solely on the hands which disappeared behind her back. A moment later, the final piece of material joined the pile in the floor as her breasts came into full view.

“Dios mio, mi amore. Please let me touch you…”

_**_

Clarisse’s heart soared with joy. So far, so good. It may not be exactly the step she needed to completely overcome her fear of making love, but…for the moment…her body didn’t care. It deserved to feel Joseph’s body joined with hers, filling her with his love and pleasure.

_He wants to touch me and I desperately want his touch…on me, in me. I need him desperately; unlike I’ve ever needed another._ She took his hands and guided them in a caress along her thighs and her torso until they were given the task of holding the delicate, aching curves on her chest. Her back arched and lips parted, breaths escaping in small pants. Her lower body slowly began to rock against his as they neared the moment when they could truly be one.

_Different…_

Never during her weekend in hell had she ever been allowed in a position of power. Lester had made sure she was dominated every second from the moment her eyes had opened and the humiliation had begun. Tonight, she would take back a small piece of what he’d taken from her and she’d do it on her own terms.

As Joseph’s hardness glided along her slick folds, she was certain he didn’t mind the terms either. The pressure continued to build as hands, lips and bodies moved together and in counterpoint to escalate the heat rising between them.  Needing him as she’d never needed another soul, she leaned forward and whispered, “Are you ready, my love?”

In answer, his hands slid away from her breasts and to the curve of her waist. Lifting slowly, she positioned herself above him and a moment later the rest of the world faded away leaving only she and Joseph knocking on the doors to heaven as her body slowly joined with his.

Forcing breath in and out of her lungs, she waited for the discomfort to pass. She heard his voice as his hand smoothed along her thighs. “Clarisse? Are you okay?”

“Just a moment…please…”

It took more than a moment for her body to adjust. Slow, calming breaths as she willed her body to relax and accept the joining. _You are in control…no pain, no fear, nothing but love._

Finally she was ready to move forward. Lifting slightly, she began a slow and steady rhythm. As her true partner…in life and in the dance, a moment later, he picked up on the tempo and joined her. With each coordinated movement, her body’s resistance eased moving her from short strokes to longer and deeper. Her passion climbed as Joseph made the transition with her…their gasps and moans of pleasure taking them higher and higher until her eyes opened and caught his watching her face intently.

Leaning forward she kissed him gently and then nodded. Her movement ceased as his feet planted on the bed behind her. His knees bent and the tempo became his. Large hands held her in place as he drove them higher and higher.

“Oh Joseph…yes…mmmm…Yes!!” Her heart, mind and soul all joined in the chorus as he hurled her over the edge.

Finally…

Finally, she’d found a way past the nightmare to share love with the only other person who could understand what this moment meant. No voices. No flashbacks. Nothing but the love of the man who had been her everything.

She collapsed onto his chest, her lungs contracting and expanding in short fast breaths. His arms surrounded her and she knew in that moment that they were going to find their way back—to the way it should be. It may not be tomorrow, but soon they would be able to put the demons to rest.

Her lips found the pulse point in his neck, still thrumming wildly. She kissed it and anointed the rest of his neck with affection. “I love you, Joseph.”

His arms tightened and held her close. “And I love you.”

^^C/J^^

_Two days before Coronation_

Clarisse was pilfering around in the staff kitchen while she waited for the kettle to sound when she heard a soft knock on the door frame. Turning, she saw the dashing smile of Lord Nicholas.   
"May I join you ma'am? I would like to speak with you about an important matter." 

Clarisse believed in her heart that Nick was different than his snake of an uncle, but still she wasn't going to let that charming smile fool her in the event he was still trying to pull a fast one. Motioning to the table, she pulled out a chair to join him. "What is this important matter you wish to speak of?"   
  
"I was hoping..." the whistle from the tea kettle sounded cutting him off. Both Clarisse and Nick moved to get up. "Please allow me ma'am. Would you like milk and sugar, Your Majesty?"  
  
She returned to her seat. "Just milk, thank you." 

A minute or two later, Nicholas carefully set the china cup in front of her and took his seat across the table. "As I was saying, I'd like to discuss something with you. I'd like your opinion on a matter."   
  
Taking a sip of her tea, Clarisse nodded for him to continue. "As you already know, Mia and I have spent some valuable time together over the past month or so. Now that she is no longer engaged, I was hoping, with your blessing both as Queen and more importantly her grandmother, I could pursue a relationship with her."   
  
_The man who wanted to steal the crown, now wants to date the crown._ "What does Amelia have to say about this?"  
  
Shifting slightly, he averted his gaze until finally exhaling slowly and lifting intense blue eyes to seek her face. "To be honest, I'm asking you first. I think the feelings we share could be love, but I'm not willing to break her heart if the crown, country and you are not supportive."  
  
Clarisse couldn't help the smile forming on her face. "I think the country might need a little time to get use to the idea, especially given the coup your uncle initiated. As for the crown, that will have to be Amelia’s decision as she will be the one wearing it very soon. But as for her grandmother,” She paused and smiled at the nervous young man before reaching out to clasp his hand. “I'm very thankful she has the opportunity to find true love. I think it was very honorable of you to protect Amelia's feelings."

She took another sip of her tea. "Joseph and I believe the two of you make a lovely couple, so you have our approval…WHEN the time is right. You must be patient, Nicholas, both for Amelia and the country."   
  
He exhaled slowly, the air escaping his lungs in a long draw as though he’d been holding it as she answered. "Thank you, ma'am.”  
  
"Nicholas, if you are going to be dating my granddaughter, perhaps while we’re in private, you should call me Clarisse?"  
  
"I'll try, Clarisse. Thank you for everything." Standing, Nicholas pushed his chair up to the table. "I think I might try to find Mia."  
  
Smiling at the eagerness of young love, she offered direction. "She was in the office last I saw her."  
  
"Thank you."

Clarisse sat back and sipped her tea with a small smile. Perhaps they all would find their happy ending.

^^C/J^^

_The night before the coronation_

The missing warmth caused Joseph’s body to rouse from sleep. It had only been a few days and already he couldn’t sleep without her next to him. He blinked rapidly, fighting to keep his heartrate steady. She could simply have gone to the bathroom or even needed a drink of water. Flashes of their lovemaking from the previous evening pulsed through his veins and set his desire aflame once more. She’d been so breathtaking and so brave as they’d finally found a way to consummate their marriage. A huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

And…he owed it all to Clarisse. His heart swelled with love for the woman who now called him husband and lover.

Movement by the window caught his attention and he could barely make out Clarisse’s shadow. The moon was hiding behind clouds so the light from outside barely registered in in the darkness of the room. Slipping out of bed, he padded softly to a few feet behind where she stood. Not wanting to startle her, he whispered. “Clarisse, my love, is everything alright?”

At the sound of his voice, she turned and extended her hand to him. He clasped it and moved in closer, pulling her back to his chest and circling his arms around her. Automatically, his lips sought the gentle curve of her neck and shoulder. The scent of lavender filled his senses and flooded his body with an extra sense of calm. After a few minutes simply holding her, he kissed behind her earlobe, “Would you like to talk about it?”

“I’m torn.”

Two words, barely a sentence, yet conveyed her entire dilemma. He’d been surprised she hadn’t spoken of it before; but, in retrospect, sharing wasn’t always her forte. He hoped as they continued in their life together, she would be more open. “That’s to be expected. You’ve been queen for a very long time.”

“So long, I’m not sure I remember how to simply be Clarisse. Not even sure I remember who she is as the future queen or queen role has been a part of my life since I was twelve.”

His arms tightened around her, offering comfort and strength. “Shall I tell you what I know of Clarisse?”

The question prompted her to turn slightly in his embrace, a surprised look on her face. Before she could say anything, he continued. “Oh she hides quite often, but over the years, I’ve been fortunate enough to see glimpses of her. Enough that I knew that my life would never be complete without her in it.”

Clarisse smiled and turned back to face the window. Her arms covered his and she moved further into his embrace. “Please, tell me about her.”

Joseph closed his eyes, thankful that fate had not been cruel enough to keep them apart. He truly would be lost without her. He let his mind drift back to the first time he’d had the privilege of seeing Clarisse rather than the Queen. “The first time I met Clarisse, she was in the rose garden. I’d kept my distance to allow you some privacy as I knew how rare the privilege was for you. You held the most delicate flower to your nose and inhaled. Your eyes closed and the serenity on your face was angelic. The simple beauty and fragrance of nature melted away the protective layers you used to survive under the watchful eye of every citizen in the country. Alone, with your roses, I saw a glimpse of you.”

“Oh Joseph…” Clarisse whispered and held him tighter.

“Then there was the wonder and joy, the absolute sparkle in your eyes every time you saw or thought of one of your sons. I also saw the pain and heartache when Pierre chose duty to the church over duty to Genovia. The faraway look with the corners of those beautiful lips turned down is definitely Clarisse. She feels everything very intensely, just rarely let it shows.”

“The people want to believe their queen is above such human emotions, though if you ask them, they would say differently. That is why Clarisse rarely made a public appearance.” Her voice sounded sad as she shared a truth from her life.

“Well, the next time I saw Clarisse was in a much more public setting.”

“Oh?” Her voice registered her surprise that she’d allowed the woman behind the crown out where others could see.

“Yes, it was at the orphanage. The Queen remained present until a young girl, with bright blue eyes and Shirley Temple curls shyly smiled at her monarch from across the room. There was a change when the connection occurred. The same angelic smile you gave to your roses and to your sons, you gave to her.”

“Charlotte.”

“Yes, Charlotte. From the first moment you two laid eyes on each other, it was a match made in heaven.”

“She was…is the daughter I would never have.” Joseph sensed her smile even now as she considered the young woman who Clarisse, the woman, had cared for and given special attention to every month when she visited the orphanage. “I still can’t believe how fortunate I am she came to work in the palace. How fortunate we are that she knows me well enough to send the troops in early. My life would not be the same without her, not then…not now.”

Joseph kissed her temple and refrained from smiling. He knew the lengths the King had gone to in order to make sure Charlotte’s assignment was in the palace. He, too, had seen how much Clarisse loved Charlotte and though her role in life wouldn’t allow her to adopt, Rupert wanted to make sure the two could remain together as much as possible. He would be pleased to know how close they had become, even closer in the past several months. “We owe her much.”

She sighed heavily in his arms. “We owe her our lives.”

“Indeed we do. And I’m confident we’ll find ways over the upcoming years to show her our gratitude.”

“Indeed we shall.” Joseph waited a few minutes before continuing. “Do you know what moves me most about seeing Clarisse?”

She turned in his embrace, the tears glistening in her eyes. Finally, the moon peeked from behind the clouds and beams of light caressed the lines of her face. “Tell me.”

“What I love most is that the woman who, from the time she was twelve years old, never wanted for anything, lived in a palace, had her own personal seamstress, hair dresser, ladies’ maids and the crown jewels…this woman found life’s greatest pleasures in the simple things. The smell of a rose, the love of her sons, the innocence of a child in need…”

Clarisse’s hands slid over and up his arms until they clasped behind his neck. Her face moved closer, lips only inches from his. The air caught in his lungs as his entire world paused to hear whatever words were about to escape lips he desperately wanted to kiss right now. “She also takes pleasure in her husband’s touch and the way he knows exactly what to say to her.”

Restraining himself until he was sure the conversation was finished, he allowed his lips to grace her forehead, temple, and cheek. “He receives great pleasure from touching you as well.”

Her mouth was only a scant breath away from his. “You believe Clarisse will survive then without the Queen’s mask to hide behind?”

His hands moved slowly up and down her sides, memorizing the way the silk felt under his touch. “It will be an adjustment and will not happen overnight, but I believe Clarisse has been waiting a lifetime to experience all the simple pleasures life has to offer and to fully express the joy and wonder she has always felt, but hid in the past.”

She nodded slowly as her body pressed further into his. “And do you have any…simple pleasures with which to distract me tonight, my husband?”

Unable to deny himself any longer, he angled his head and brought his mouth onto hers with fierce passion. A deep groan, originating from deep within his core, slipped from his lips as her tongue engaged his and she returned the kiss with equal fervor. Every nerve ending became hyper aware as the pull of awareness blanketed him. The soft cushion of her breasts, the scrape of her nails, and the heat from her mouth branded him with all-consuming desire. He needed her more than he needed air to breathe.

He separated from her body only long enough to grasp the hem of her gown and pull it over her head. Returning to the embrace, skin against skin heated his arousal and pressed against the confines of his boxers. Dios mio, he needed to slow down.

Before he could step back, her hand slid lower to his neck and held him against her. Tongues vying for position, no longer leisurely exploring but seeking to possess and claim the other. He started to move to brace her against the wall, but a final rational thought sent the warning to his brain that confining her body would make this promising venture end poorly. Instead, he guided her until his body was sandwiched between hers and the wall.

The shift in movement prompted her to stop kissing and gaze at him through hooded lashes. “Joseph?” She leaned heavily onto his body, so close only the upturn of her face allowed them to make eye contact.

He smiled and brushed a thumb across her kiss-swollen lips. “You make my knees weak, just looking for a little support.”

**

Clarisse fought to calm her racing heart. Joseph’s kiss, his touch, his words enflamed her to heights she’d forgotten existed. At his answer to her question, she blinked rapidly to clear the haze from her eyes. There. She saw it. He’d been protecting her. Under normal circumstances, she was confident her body would be where his currently stood. Part of her appreciated he’d been able to think straight enough to offer the protection, the other hated it was necessary.

Tomorrow she would start a new chapter of her professional life. No longer Queen Clarisse Renaldi, but now Dowager Queen Clarisse Renaldi-Romero. Her recent success in the bedroom prompted the courage to try to finally close a chapter, if not the whole book, on the terrible weekend. Angling her head, she placed kisses along the pulse point of his neck, smiling against his skin as his hands slid lower to cup her bottom. She could feel the strength of his desire for her pressed firmly against her softness.

_The love I feel for this man must surpass any fears originating from those I hate._

Her lips hovered near his ear and she couldn’t resist allowing her tongue to toy with the small gold hoop Joseph had refused to remove when he first came into their employ. Then she found it mysterious, now she found it incredibly sexy. “Joseph, my love, take me to bed. Make love to me as only you can.”

Moments later, they were back in bed, his boxers joining her nightclothes on the floor. They faced each other as they resumed their ardent exploration. She simply couldn’t get enough of him. Moving to kiss him again, she pulled his bottom lip between hers and sucked gently. A low moan of satisfaction vibrated through his body and into hers, drawing the very breath from her lungs.

Need. Arousal. Desire.

All three swirling in her veins, making her forget everything and everyone else save the man lying next to her, wanting to offer him the embrace of a lover—wanting him over and inside of her all at once. Reaching for him she pulled him closer to her, rolling them so his body covered hers, her mouth claiming his once again.

He lifted slightly, concern marring the love and lust present in his gaze. “I want to try,” she whispered. “Banish more of the demons.”

Joseph nodded and his lips were on hers drowning her in his desire. His chest pressed firmly against hers, but his lower body remained only half-draped over her legs allowing his hand to roam freely against her soft curves. Tighter and tighter the coil wound, bringing everything into sharp focus. Could she really feel the ridges of his fingers on the smooth skin of her hip?

Close…so very close…

Sensing the urgency, he moved into the cradle of her thighs, the pressure exhilarating and debilitating at the same time. Echoes from the horror whispered in her ear, reminding her of the violations…of the abuse…of strange bodies insinuating themselves into hers.

_No…not again. Please…_

She clenched her eyes tight; her hands returning to the grounding feel of the sheets against her sweaty-soaked palms. The darkness pulled at her limbs, drawing away the pleasure, replacing it with pain. She had to escape, take her mind where they couldn’t have her, couldn’t find her…couldn’t hurt her.

A hand on her cheek and a hot breath of air whispered in her ear stopped the madness. “Clarisse, my love, open your eyes.”

The same voice that comforted her countless times in hell, called out to her from the black hole of building despair.

“Clarisse…look at me.”

The demons clawed at the edge of her consciousness, but the calm, reassuring voice of her husband steadily drew her back to the present. Forcing her eyes open, she found smoky blue orbs waiting patiently. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.

He smiled gently, “Shhh, stay with me. Keep your eyes open. Stay with me in this moment. Right here, right now. There’s no need to escape, no need to run to where they can find you. Just you, me and the memory we are about to make. Can you try?”

Sincere, overwhelming and heart-filling love spread throughout her body starting from the eyes which held Joseph’s gaze, through her chest and limbs…until she knew. Knew he was right. Unable to speak, she simply nodded her head.

This time she watched as his head lowered to reverently kiss her breasts. She moaned as his tongue laved the freckled flesh, followed by warm air. Her eyes captured the gooseflesh prickling her skin igniting tendrils of desire through her veins, swirling until finally coming to rest at her center.

Her eyes captured the strength and long lines of his body as he slowly began to move against her. Heightened awareness returned as the wiry hairs on his legs tickled the sensitive skin of her inner thighs. Her gaze followed the rise of his body as he prepared to join them as one. Fingertips reached out to caress his chest, relishing the feel of the muscled flesh barely being held in check. His body was lean and taut with need.

“Ready?”

Another nod, her voice no longer worked as every other one of her senses came alive than life itself. No words could adequately describe this feeling anyway. The urge to close her eyes as they joined tugged at her strongly and she lowered her lashes.

“With me, Clarisse. Please…stay with me.”

The love in his voice pulled her back and her eyelids fluttered open. She cupped his cheek with her hand as they began to dance. She remained focused on him as her body climbed higher and higher, moving in counterpoint to his. The music inside her swelled, the tempo increasing—matching the rapid beating of her heart. Her hand slid from his cheek to hold his arms, muscles bursting with effort to keep the rhythm.

This dance, though, was not meant for perfection. This particular dance, as old as time itself, found perfection in the imperfect movements of the partners. Success would only be achieved as the rhythm faltered, forms collapsed and pure feeling overrode any sense of order.

“Are you with me?” His question came in short pants as his efforts neared their end.

“Always.” She hardly recognized her voice, laced and heavy with the force of her own need.

A moment later, the music paused as the world stopped spinning. A thousand points of light filled her vision. Her back arched and, at last, she allowed her eyes to close long enough to be at one with her pleasure.

Joseph’s release followed hers to the heavens as he shouted her name. She echoed the cry, his name only on her lips.

His arms buckled and he crumpled onto her frame. Immediately her arms surrounded him, holding him tight, lips anointing the sweat-soaked skin of his shoulder and neck. “Thank you, my love. Thank you.” She whispered over and over again, wanting him to know how much his ability to pull her away from the darkness meant to her.

Once his heart rate slowed, he rolled and pulled her with him until she was half resting on this body, the gentle up and down movement of his hand on her back calming her. “You did it, Clarisse. I’m so proud of you.”

She lifted her head slightly and kissed him on the lips. “No, my love, WE did it. Thank you for knowing just what I needed to hear. You always seem to know exactly how to reach me. I love you.”

He returned the kiss and she felt the rekindling of the flame just recently extinguished. “I love you,” He whispered. “It’s always been you.”

^^C/J^^


End file.
